Kids Say the Weirdest Stuff…But It’s So FUNNY!

Kind of having a bleh day.  Spent all day trying to save money while spending money to feed my family.  So instead of blogging random nonsense that noone cares about, I give you the kid’s greatest hits:

KID STORIES

I’m sure the kids and animals in my house have had similar conversations.

This afternoon Princess Not Listening picked up the dog’s rawhide bone that he never chews on says “I want to go play with the dog in the yard. I’m going to take this suspicious bone”.
Me: “You mean delicious.”
Princess Not Listening: “Noooo, suspicious”.
I never did get it out of her what was so suspicious about it.

The Professor told me his stomach felt funny. Upon further questioning, he admitted he ate some of the unpopped kernels out of his popcorn yesterday.
Without thinking, I said that either they would pop inside of him or he’d poop them out.
I’m not sure what’s funnier: the kids’ detailed descriptions of just how, when, and where he’ll poop them out (I told his sister she COULD NOT watch) or his little sister worried that he is going to pop. She’s kept her hands over her ears, just in case.

The Professor’s Very Useful Advice for today: He informed me as I am putting sheets and clothes in the dryer “If you have laundry that has flammable gas on it, you’ll need to put it on the clothesline, not in the dryer.” Where does he get this stuff?

Princess Funny hasn’t quite got the knock knock joke thing down yet. Princess Funny: “Knock knock” Me: “Who’s there?” PF: “Pajamas”. Me: “Pajamas who?” PF (very enthusiastically): “PAJAMAS UNDERWEAR BUTT PANTS!” I try not to laugh, but I end up making a snorting sound-there’s just something about little kids who think the words underwear and butt are funny-I just can’t help laughing!

The Professor: “Mom I know you are a vegetarian”. Me: “I used to be.” The Professor: “Well I’m a vegetarian too because I eat lots of fruits and vegetables”. Me: “Oooooook. (thinking a lot of fruits and vegetables must be the occasional baby carrots and raisins) Actually a vegetarian is someone who doesn’t eat meat”. The Professor: “Oh, then I guess I’m an everythingatarian!”

Recent Quote from the Princess: “That’s not Woody, that’s Buzz Light Beer”.

My daughter announced this to me one morning: “Mommy, baby butterflies sleep in a special place called a cucumber.”

Me (to the kids): “It really helps me out when you put things away. There are other things I like to do instead of cleaning.” Princess Sarcasm (agreeing wholeheartedly): “Yes, like sleeping and sitting on the couch.”

My daughter (singing to the tune of Baa Baa Black Sheep): Capillary, capillary, capillary capillary, capillary capillary capillary capillary.” Me: “You’re singing about capillaries???” The Princess (sighs, disgusted with me): “No MOM, I’m singin ‘cabulary'” (Vocabulary) I swear she muttered “duh” under her breath just after that. I guess watching the Electric Company must be paying off.

Quote of the day- Princess Tantrum “A thousand years ago, my Mommy got married.”

Some kids read the backs of the cereal boxes. My son had to be asked to please stop reading the box of Maxi pads I bought. Never a dull moment…

In church recently. The Professor-“When’s Sunday School?” Me-“After Communion”. The Professor-“After Comedians?” Me-“No, Communion”. The Professor-“Oooooh, Chameleon”. I gave up after that.

Evil Genius to The Professor: “Hey you want to go see Iowa State play Texas?”
The Professor: (pause) “OK but it will take a LONG time to get there…” (We live in Iowa).

Overheard at my house: “Look, I’m a marsupial!” “We’re pretending to be TERMITES!” “I have a butt moustache”. “It’s like I have a robotic foot!” Oh my… my family is WEIRD!

You know your three year old watches too much TV when you comment that the cat feels smooth after being brushed and she says “Smooth, like Keith Stone! He’s always smooth.”

My daughter and I are petting the dog.  I tell her to feel his ears, and how soft they are compared to the rest of his fur.  Later on, she gives her brother the information:  “The ears are the softest part of a dog’s body.”  The Professor reaches up and feels his own ears:  “Mom, she’s right, my ears ARE the softest part of my body!”

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About Sarah Almond

Sarah Almond "The Sadder But Wiser Girl" is a mom of two children and is married to an evil genius. Suffering from ADD, Anxiety, and a phobia of washing dishes by hand, she blogs to save the world from boringness. Though she is college educated, she would gladly trade her degree in for something useful, like a cheese sandwich.

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