Rant Against Soft Comfortable Things

This rant brought to you by me making the mistake of letting my kids watch the Sprout Channel the other day (it’s PBS reruns with commercials to make you buy stuff).

It’s a rainbow colored unicorn that lights up, What more could a little girl want? Thanks a lot, Pillow Pet People.

It’s a pillow… it’s a pet… it’s a pillow pet!  No wait… it’s a light.

Who decided that pets needed to turn into other things?  I mean, besides transformers, but they were machines like cars kids and trucks.  That was different.

I actually could handle the whole pets that were also pillows thing.  But now apparently they do other stuff. The one above projects stuff on the ceiling.  I’ve also seen pillows that kids can ride on, seriously they have wheels.  Why would a child need that anyway?  Does it protect their butt extra well in case it becomes airborn and lands too hard?  In case the kid needs to make a quick getaway they can jump on their pillow and ride off into the sunset?  Maybe if they were getting out of bed to rob a bank (which totally makes me question the origin of the transformable pillow inventors)

This is long overdue.  I realize the actual pillow pets have been out for years.  My kids were obsessed with them from day one as well.  They got them for Christmas.  Then they got more.  And I don’t hate them, they serve a purpose.  Each of my children is up to two large ones and one small one.  The Professor has one that is barely recognizable as a ladybug.  It looks more like something off of Futurama.  It has been chewed-no not by the dog.  My son is a chewer.  I have found things chewed in his room that I didn’t even think could be chewed (this is not the time to discuss it).  Princess Gimme has the “Mommy” Purple Unicorn and the “Baby” Purple Unicorn (that’s what she says, they are related to the purple donkey twins-more on those in future posts).  She claims they both have a very important feature-a horn that’s not “poky” (as in not sharp or able to poke her, rather than not slow).  Her brother has since made it even more not poky by chewing on it.  Now she wants MORE MORE MORE Pillow Pets!  She wants every single Pillow Pet toy there is. Which is never going to happen because there is barely room in her bed for her with all of those stuffed animals, let alone more pillow pets.

What made me decide to write this is the Dream Lite.  Every time the commercial comes on there is dead silence followed by squeals of glee and then excited chatter between the kids as to which Dream Lite they think they need.  The unicorn is not only a unicorn with what I’m sure is a non poky horn, but is also rainbow colored AND of course has the lights.  Therefore Princess Gimme thinks she MUST have it.  I personally don’t even think it’s even all that cute.   And would it even be soft?  Wal-Mart carries them now, right up by the checkout, so I suppose I could go up and squeeze one to see.  I dislike Wal-Mart anyway, and it has nothing to do with any sort of pillow or pet.

I went to the actual Pillow Pet Brand webpage before I wrote this to do a little research.  When you go to their page, they trap you.  You CAN’T leave their page without them trying to get you to commit to buying something!  I found that disturbing.

What they really need are Multipurpose Pets.  They haven’t invented those yet because the kids will have what they want and the company will quit making money.  You’ve heard of those 7 in 1 or 9 in 1 tools.  How about a 10 in 1 pet?  Try making a theme song for that one!  It is a 1) pillow 2) pet 3) light 4) blanket 5)numbchucks 6) helmet 7)  shield 8) medium sized bowl 9) body alarm  10) potty chair.  Not all at once, now that would be silly.

At least the pillow pets are cute.  I see no redeeming value in the Snuggie.  I love the commercials for those.  Whole families lounging around in their snuggies.  Don’t they know that most people wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those?  You know I own something like that, it’s called a robe.  But then, I’m also not a big fan of the grown-up footie pajamas.  I really don’t want to have to take off my pajamas to go to the bathroom in the winter.

I’m interested to see what the pillow pet people come up with next.  Or maybe I should just jump on the bandwagon.  How about a pillow that is also a tissue dispenser?  Come on, that’s useful!  After my recent nights of falling asleep at my laptop, perhaps they should make Laptop Pillows?  I would think that might go over real well!

I meant like an actual real laptop that works, not, oh never mind…



One thought on “Rant Against Soft Comfortable Things

  1. Pingback: Flaming Pillow Pets and Other Christmas List Nos | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

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