What I Think Prospective Employers Are REALLY Saying About Me

I had two things happen to me that were kind of interesting this past week.

My husband read one of my blog posts.  He liked it.  He liked it so much he shared it with people at work.  And they loved it.  This was nice.

The other thing was a conversation I had with our librarian.  Somehow we got on the subject of preschool and the fact that I used to teach it.  She asked if I had ever considered starting my own.  Why yes I have, but I don’t have any space in my house for such a thing.  When I shared this with her, she motioned to the empty building across the street and said, “There’s a whole empty building over there.  You should look into it.”

For the first time in quite a while I was actually a little excited.  Might be something worth looking into.  I loved teaching preschool.  Then I opened my mouth to my husband, who shot me down.  He was just being his usual, honest self.  But I felt a little like I’d been shot in the heart.  I crawled back into my hopeless hole of despair and unemployment.

Oh come on, you gotta know the song. “Gloom, despair, and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it ain’t for bad luck I got no luck at all. Gloom, despair, and agony on me. They just don’t make good quality shows like Hee Haw anymore…

A couple of nights ago I basically tried to sell my soul for a job at a major bank.  It was a teller position.  After I applied I was told I had to take a test.  I was told I had to take it in a quiet place, and have pen and paper handy.  So I did what they said.  It was ridiculous.  There was ONE question on it that had anything to do with money.  The rest were questions about how comfortable I felt selling products to people, and what kind of sales awards I had received, etcetera.  Needless to say, I’m sure they won’t be calling me.  What ever happened to just dealing with money?  Why does everything have to be SALES?  Why DID I spend five years in college again?

I am forming a theory about some of the places that I have applied and who looks at the stuff that comes in.  I have to, because if I don’t laugh at it I really am going to start to cry.  Queen Bavmorda is out today in a baaaaaaad way.  I think she may have killed my cheerleaders, or they are just very, very sick.

This is who I think might be reading my resumes…

I think that Statler and Waldorf are in charge at some of the places I apply at.  Or somebody like that.  I have this whole imagined scenario in my head of each place I have applied of what happens when they receive my stuff.

The Clinic-There is one particular medical clinic n my area that I have applied for several positions now.  Here’s what I think went down recently:

Person #1:  “Hey, this person has applied for close to twenty jobs with us now.  We’re running out of people to fill all of these positions that we always have open, should we give her a call for an interview?”

Person #2:  “Nah, I am really, really liking this monkey.  He can fling his poo and everything.”

Maybe the monkey is the one reading the resume?

The University-The Lab School

University Hiring Person:  “This girl is perfectly qualified for this substitute preschool position we have open!”

Unpaid Intern Person:  “There’s purple on her resume.  I HATE PURPLE!”  Then he tosses the resume into the incinerator.

The University-Secretary and Coordinator Positions

Resume Reader Person: “BWAH HA HA!  How dare this person think she is even worthy of applying to our sacred school of perfection.  She is like a flaming bag of dog poop!”  Then he tosses my resume into the, well, flaming pile of dog poop that just happens to be there.

Why thank you, I rather liked that one myself.

The Library-There was a wonderful position open at, yes, a public library.  I really thought I might have had a shot at this one.

Librarian:  “I sense a disturbance in the force.  I feel…yes, this person has a blog.  I hate blogs.”  Makes a paper airplane out of my resume and flies it into the chandelier.

The City-I admit this one was stretching it a bit, but I really was qualified for the position.

City Person A:  “It says here in several previous positions she worked with children.”

City Person B:  “Ewww!  I bet she smells like children!  Into the shredder!”

The Community College-There were two very interesting jobs here.  I’m sad.

Resume Expert:  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  My eyes!  My eyes!”   Eyes catch on fire as she looks at my resume.  Medical attention is required.  As she receives medical help, the resume is dropped on the floor and swept up by the janitor.

The Place Where My Husband Works

Human Resources Person:  “As impressive as this resume is, I can’t hire this person because we have already hired her husband.  If we hire her, the degree of awesomeness this company will experience will cause the END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.”  Puts my resume far, far, far back into the drawer of the file cabinet.

Target-Yes I applied at Target.  Don’t judge me.  I’m desperate.

Professional resume reader with a large target tattooed on her head:  “Oh look, another Target shopper thinks she can work here.  WRONG!”  Hits delete.

I think I’m going to be like Noah Wyle on “The Librarian”.  I am going to go back to school and major in every possible thing I can.  At least maybe someday I’ll have a shot at a job!

DISCLAIMER:  I have a wonderful cousin who works in Human Resources for her job.  She is nothing like these people.  I’m sure she doesn’t keep a pile of flaming dog poo in her office, either.

13 thoughts on “What I Think Prospective Employers Are REALLY Saying About Me

  1. I think that applying online makes getting a job a matter of luck instead of impressing somebody in person. If you could apply in person, you would have a much greater chance of actually getting a job. What about taking your scrap booking knowledge and teaching classes? Have projects lined up that sound like fun to do. Then you are not “applying” for a job but seeking self employment, a much better option in my mind. Or something else you like to do. Most of us will work way harder to succeed in our own business. Just a thought, cuz. I love your blog and want you to succeed. And – be happy! I found being busy suited my ADD way better than not so I nearly always have goals to work towards. That keeps me happy! Although, it has not made it so that I can always find my way home….lol! One of my biggest issues with ADD is that the concentration to actually arrive at my house is, ummm…somewhat lacking. But I do know the cities where I have lived exceedingly well.

    • I agree-the online applying is hit or miss. I’ve noticed that most places refer you to the online application regardless-probably due to staffing cuts in their own organizations! Unfortunately having my daughter at home hinders my job search a bit as far as the in person part goes. I need to have someone watch her for a day while I pound the pavement in search of employment! I like the idea of teaching scrapbooking classes-I wonder how you do that? We do have a JoAnn Fabrics and a Hobby Lobby here. I guess I should ask how they find people to teach their classes! Thanks for commenting-it’s so good to have family-similarly nutty people that understand me!

      • Do you have a community college where you are? The ones here are always looking for people to teach “Community Education” courses. These are classes that are just for fun for adults and can be about anything like scrapbooking, cooking, photography, etc…

  2. I work part time (very part time) at a big box clothing retailer and our company requires an online application, which is spit through a program that determines your hirablility before deciding to send you on for a real life person to person interview. I’ll bet Target does something similar.

    Job interviews are just like going on dates. They both suck unless you get a callback.

    Good for you to attempt to get a job! I’m considering having another baby just so I don’t have to. JK. Sort of.

    • Yup, I agree. Job interviews are a lot like dating. That’s good to know about the big companies-that would make sense. I probably don’t make any sense to a computer anyway! 😀 If we can just get our income tax return and get somewhat caught up on our bills I can relax a little. It’s not the end of the world, but it still makes me feel like poop! I’m hoping that someone in Internetland will decide my writing is worth paying for someday. Ah, dreams…

  3. OMG- I feel like this too…even the temp agency- they LOVE me. I can walk into any place and do whatever they ask and friendly, etc. I can’t even get them to return my calls. (except 1 place- that gives me 1 job/month) I worked a few months as independent consultant and that task ended…now I’m back looking. Ugh. Just to get an interview, at least you have a degree…apparently, they require those now for file clerk positions! WTF?

    first time visitor. clicking the follow button…feel free to visit my end of the blog-o-sphere!
    Lake Forest, CA

  4. Looking for a job truly is the hardest most stressful most emotional thing in the world. I still have nightmares about it and I haven’t had to look for over 5 years…god I hope I don’t have to go through it again unless it’s by choice. All my fingers and toes are crossed for you that you get something soon that is perfect for you and makes you happy!

    • Oh I think I have PTSD as it is from the bad experiences I’ve had! Funny thing, the place that I loved working at so much actually had an ad up today. I called, there’s no job yet, but I’m hoping if there is that maybe they would consider me. Things are way different now due to having two kids and one of them being in school!

      • That would be great to get a job somewhere you already know you like! I don’t have kids but I know enough to know they certainly change everything. lol

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