We’ve all been there at one time or another. It’s October, it’s almost Halloween, and somebody is having a party that you HAVE to dress up for. This actually happened to me when I was younger. I was working at a daycare center, and they were having a Halloween party. Everyone was required to dress in costume, or else have horrible things befall them. I was flat broke, I seriously couldn’t even afford a McDonald’s cheeseburger. I was also really uninspired, and this was that time in our lives when we didn’t have internet.
So I made my costume. I decided to be a ladybug. At the time, my sewing skills were about as horrible as you can get. I went to Hobby Lobby and spent a whole dollar on posterboard. I made ladybug wings out of the red posterboard and some black construction paper I had at home, attaching them at the top using one of those brass fasteners. I dressed in head to toe black, and then I used some yarn to tie them on. I made antennae out of black pipe cleaners. While in theory the costume would have been cute, it certainly was cumbersome and wouldn’t behave like it should have. I wish I had been more creative, and inspired.
Fast forward to today. We’ve come a long way since then. I’m low on funds once again, but at least I’ve got creativity oozing out of me like pus. I keep having all of these ideas for Halloween costumes for people like me-no money and not wanting to invest much time or effort into a costume. These are one step above cutting holes in your white sheet and being a ghost (or a kleenex). Aren’t you glad you have me to help you out?
1. Nudist-Take off all your clothes. You can also do a variation of this and yell “We’re going streaking!” over and over like in Old School, and be a streaker. Note: This probably isn’t such a good idea in colder climates. Or places where police will be patrolling. Or places where children will be present. Or other people will be present, period.
2. Jack of All Trades-Find a bunch of hats. Put them all on at once. Get it?
3. Person Who Just Got Up-Get out of bed. Don’t comb your hair. Stay in your pjs. May not work well for people who sleep in their undies or in the nude (then a different costume may be for you-see #1 or #6).
4. Poop-Dress in head to toe brown. Try to get people to guess who you are, like telling them you really stink. I don’t advise trying to make it smell authentic, because that’s just gross. Oh yeah, I guess you could be chocolate, too. Feel free to add scent to that.
5. Laundry-If you have one of those cheap round laundry baskets sitting around, cut a hole in the bottom just big enough to wiggle yourself in. Stuff some laundry around yourself. Now here’s the dilemna-are you clean laundry or dirty laundry? Clean laundry is nice-you could add dryer sheets and smell extra good. I think it would work especially well if you happen to have a fever, because it would be just like the laundry came out of the dryer, right?
6. Superhero-If you have a blanket that can be a cape, tie it around your neck. What you wear with it and use as props determines what superhero you are. Don an apron and rubber gloves-you’re Super Dishwasher! I personally like Captain Undergarments myself. A mask just adds to the effect…
7. Clean Person-Wrap a towel around yourself and put a shower cap on. Carry a bottle of shower gel, a loofah, a shower poof, you get the picture. Wearing stuff under the towel is optional, but make sure that towel is secure! I just happen to have a new shower head that we haven’t installed yet-oh the possibilities are endless with this one!
8. Bag Lady-We all seem to have those reusable grocery bags laying around (if you don’t, I’m sending the environment police after you!) Get a bunch. Carry them.
9. Mom Like Me-Don’t sleep the night before. Don’t do your hair. Wear a wrinkled top and yoga pants. Carry a coffee cup. Talk in incoherent sentences. Bonus if you can get a child to wrap themself around your leg. (No offense to most parents who actually have their act together, this is just me on a normal day.)
10. Target Employee-Have a red shirt? Khaki pants? You could probably find a nametag template somewhere, but again, remember that this may require a little work. You’ll have to be really nice and helpful, because remember you work at Target, not Walmart.
11. Art-Find a big picture frame. Take out the glass and backing so you just have the frame. Carry it with you and hold it up so you’re like someone in a painting. It’s art, so you can do whatever you want.
12. Fan Club-Find two small fans. Make a sign that says something positive like “We’re you’re biggest fans” and attach it to yourself. What would be even better? Have a partner and you can follow them around as his or her very own fan club. Unless it’s someone dressed as Charlie Sheen, I don’t think he has any fans anymore.
13. Fashion Police-Find a whistle. Dress in what you consider fashionable. Make a badge of some sort. Blow your whistle whenever you see things like people wearing white shoes after Labor Day.
So what am I going to do for Halloween? Probably nothing, because I don’t get to go do fun stuff like that anymore. But if a rare opportunity presents itself perhaps I’ll do this: Faster than a speeding toddler, able to tie-dye clothes in a single bound. Look, look up in the sky. It’s a peacock, it’s a rainbow…
So see, you’ll never be without ideas for costumes as long as I am around. I sure wish I had the now me when I was uninspired me years ago…