We’ve all heard about the stages of grief. Thankfully, I’m not going through any grief, but what I AM going through is having to do the dishes by hand. Anyone who has been reading my blog for more than a few days knows how much I looooooooooove to do the dishes. Thanks to a comatose dishwasher, it’s a necessary evil. Through careful research and lots of avoidance, I have managed to come up with what I think are the five stages of dishes. It may be different in your house, but this is pretty much how it goes down in mine.
Stage 1: The Denial or The Procrastination or I Don’t Feel Like Doing the Dishes Phase
We just have a few dishes to wash. Supper is over and I just want to veg a little with the family and watch Phineas and Ferb. That’s cool (the coolest show ever), I’ll do dishes in a little bit.-OR- I have nothing to do. I could wash the dishes but boy is the back of this cereal box interesting. -OR- I really should be doing those dishes but what I really need is a good root canal.
Stage 2: The Gathering Stage
Oh look! The dishes look so happy in there. They’re gathering. It’s like a little party just for dishes. Must be kind of a wild party, because they are really dirty. That’s it, it’s a birthday party! There is no way I could go in there and spoil their fun. If I washed some of them, then the rest would be lonely. What kind of a person would I be if I stepped in there and took some now?
Stage 3: The Squirt and Rinse Stage
I really need that big pan that’s in the middle of the mountain in the sink. I’ll just move these dishes to the side so I can use the faucet, and squirt a teensy amount of dishsoap and put some hot water in it. I’ll let it soak, and then rinse it out. Need another pan? Nope. We’ll make something that only requires ONE pan.
Stage 4: The Paper Plate and Jack’s Pizza Stage
Oh man the dishes are starting to take over. If I start dishes now then I’ll be there for hours. I have nothing to cook with, and very little to eat off of. Ah-ha! We’ll do Jack’s Pizzas for supper. Nothing needed to cook them, just that big round piece of cardboard that it comes with. We’ll use paper plates and cups. BRILLIANT!
Stage 5: The Why The &$#^&*(@ Did I Put These Off For So Long Phase?
I am out of Jack’s Pizza and paper plates. I have to wash dishes, and this makes me ANGRY! Think of the Hulk, but with reverse colors (purple with green clothing), crazier hair, and more coordinated. I furiously try to move the giant stacks of dishes like Moses parting the Red Sea. I scrub out the sink and fill it with hot soapy water. Then I spend the next hour arranging the dishes by size, because by doing this I can maximize my clean dish output and minimize the space needed for those clean dishes. This results in a bunch of clean plates in the dish drainer and a bunch of stuff piled around it as high as it will go. Then we have towels spread out on the table for the overflow. 3/4 of the dishes may or may not be done. The rest stay and the whole process starts over…
Did I mention that I hate washing the dishes?
Attention dishes and spoons: You know any time you want to run away together, that’s ok by me. That’s just less for me to wash.