New followers-you have missed the insanity that really got this little blog out of the hangar and on to the runway. I Could So Be An Inventor was a hit with people who know me, anyway. Lucky you, I’ve been saving more of them up. Here’s Part Deux. These aren’t as good as the original set, but I certainly think I could use some of these!
1) Food expiration alarm-How many times have I bought a bag of spinach with lofty goals of eating salad and putting spinach on various sandwiches, only to forget the dang thing in the back of the crisper drawer (or the hole that used to be the crisper drawer in my fridge)? Such a waste of money. If there was an alarm that would sound a certain amount of time before food expired, it might encourage more people to use vegetables and leftovers BEFORE they expire. You know, saving money and stuff. In my house it would have to be a pretty shrill alarm.
2) Appliance Resuscitation Device or ARD– Your major appliance bit the dust? There may still be hope. You’ve heard of an AED? This is the version for appliances: a set of two paddles that you can attach and try to jolt it back to life. I could really use this right now on my dishwasher and garbage disposal!
3) Dead Rodent Detection Device-I believe I mentioned that we needed on of these in Living With An Evil Genius (Or Two). He hasn’t delivered. It would work much like a metal detector. Then once the dead body is located, it is incinerated by fancy technology that I can’t even begin to comprehend. This is because I REALLY don’t need any more holes in my walls.
4) Real Life Censor-This will take the frustration out of those naughty words that you accidentally mutter. It syncs into your brain waves and senses when you are about to cuss, and then bleeps you out. In some households I would be afraid of it getting overloaded… You can upgrade to the Austin Powers Model that covers up anything indecent by projecting an image of something else over it. Both models only work when children and elderly grandparents are in the room.
5) Brain Upgrade– Works much like the memory on computers. Plugs into your ear when you need more memory. I need about ten of these.
6) Fat Cloaking Device– Not your ordinary cloaking device, but what is? Feeling fat today? Turn this one and you are one slender hot mama. No discomfort necessary. Just as useful as the Mess Cloaking Device, ‘cept better.
7) Political Ad Replacer– Too late for this year, but could prove quite useful in the future. Detects whenever there is a political ad on your TV. Plays footage of animals doing funny things, because who doesn’t like cute animals being funny (and who actually likes political ads)? Can also be used to zap political mailings into pictures of Blake Shelton. You’re welcome. I could really like politics if that were the case.
8) Chocolate Powder-This isn’t your grandmother’s cocoa! Sprinkle it on any food and it will taste just like chocolate. It doesn’t add calories. Hate broccoli? Now it tastes like chocolate pudding. Despise liver? Now it’s chocolate cake. Doesn’t work on fruitcake. Nothing can alter fruitcake.
9) Useful Information Filter-This is exclusively for ADD folks only. This special filter attaches to your brain and screens out the crap you usually retain and keeps the important stuff in the right place. Don’t worry, you’ll still remember all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody”, but can also remember when to pay your water bill. Comes as a bonus item when you order the brain upgrade.
10) Idea Enhancer-Takes those great ideas that you always get that usually go nowhere and helps bring them to fruition. If your enhanced idea lasts more than four hours, contact your physician.
11) Child Tractor Beam-Tired of your toddler trying to get away? Kindergartener won’t come out of his room when you call? Can’t get your ten year old to come home from his friend’s house? Turn on this handy dandy tractor beam and they’ll be right there in a jiffy. Not the same as the toilet tractor beam, thank goodness!
And last but not least-
12) Nakedness Alarm Disarming System-New in January 2013, this remote provides all controls to disarm the Mom Nakedness Alarm. Simply plug in the code, and you can pee/get dressed/take a bath/poop/etc in peace without a child needing you to “Make the Bop-It listen” or any other nonsensical thing kids need the moment they know you are naked. This is because they won’t know…
That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m sure I’ll have more. Who can finish off a blog post about inventions without a Tony Stark reference… I can’t.