My Life of Crime: Subliminal Criminal

It wasn't anything like this.

It wasn’t anything like this.

Part 1:  The Day I Went To Jail, Briefly

One of the requirements to work with children in the particular state I live in is that you have to be fingerprinted.

I vaguely remember this being discussed about the time I left the childcare business.  You have to jump through a lot of hoops to be certified in this state.  You have to be current in CPR and First Aid-which is easy for me, as I’m a certified instructor.  You have to have a ton of training.  You have to fill out so much paperwork.  I suppose it SHOULD be that way-you can never be too careful with children.

Anyhoo, since I am subbing I am therefore working with kids, thus needing to get my fingerprints done to be put in some sort of database.  You need to go to either the police station or the county sheriff to get yourself “printed”.  I opted for the sheriff since you don’t necessarily need to make an appointment.  I called and they said come on over.

The woman I talked to said, “Oh and by the way you have to go to the jail to do that.”

Weird, but ok.  So off I went, four year old in tow.

As it turns out you can’t take a four year old into the jail.  I guess that makes sense.  So they set her up with some books in the front area.  There was a woman behind the desk who said she would be happy to keep an eye on her.

The sheriff took me back to the jail area.  It was a bit disappointing.  There was nothing there but an area where they must check people in.  No shady people behind bars, no people sitting around asking “Hey, whatcha in for?” No one singing “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…”

I was expecting the classic inking of the fingers.  At least here they no longer do.  This was actually the cool part.  They scan your fingers now.  There is a pad that they put your fingers on that scans and shows the image of your fingerprints.  When you get done, they print it out and you take it with you.  I’m also assuming that it sends the prints to some sort of national registry.  I thought it was the neatest thing I had seen in a long time.  I was disappointed there was no retinal scan to go along with it, you know, just because.

So I was in and out of jail in less than ten minutes.  Meanwhile, The Princess was up front charming everyone in sight.  When I came out of jail to get her, she was sitting with one of the other sheriffs, playing Angry Birds on an Ipad with him.  They also gave her a stuffed animal.  Now she wants to go to jail every week.

Yes, jail is a terrible, terrible place.  I should have stayed there.

That afternoon I endured broken glasses, a crabby daughter, a food stealing dog, a horrible day at school for my son, and NO NAP!

Yes, I definitely should have stayed in jail.


I assure you this is not true in my case.

Part 2:  Smooth Criminal?

In addition to filling out a gazillion forms and getting fingerprinted, working with kids also requires a criminal record check.  This is whether you work in the public schools or a private preschool.  This is a good thing-you don’t want creepos working with your children.  They need to make sure you are not a child abuser!

As it turns out “something” showed up in the check.  They don’t know what.  Apparently they are not informed exactly what turns up.

But I was, of course, freaking out.  Of course this happens to the person with severe anxiety.

My first question  was this “Do unpaid bills count as a criminal act?”  I was quickly assured me they did not.  Phew!  The most likely scenario-someone else with the same name as me in a faraway state was a bad person who robbed a bank.  Or perhaps I had an old parking ticket?  If so I wouldn’t know when that happened.  To be safe, I texted Evil Genius and asked if he had paid all of the parking tickets he got at school-in MY car.  Of course, he couldn’t graduate until he paid them.  I got a speeding ticket awhile back when Satan’s truck was still running.  That had to be quite a while ago, since that truck hasn’t run for over a year.  Basically I wasn’t paying attention and got caught.  I paid it right away.

Then I started wondering-did someone steal my identity?  Evil Genius got a huge kick out of this “Who would want to be you?”  HA HA-you’re very funny.

If I had been part of a criminal act and convicted as so, don’t you think I would know about it??????  I’m ready for my polygraph.  Go ahead, ask me to tell a bunch of lies!

Maybe I did something terrible in my sleep.  I am on Ambien after all.  Maybe I got in my car, went to town, stole a whole bunch of stuff from Wal-Mart, then drove home and went back to bed.  Makes perfect sense!

So I must be a criminal and I didn’t even know it.  A subliminal criminal…

I have never even actually been to a real jail until I had to get fingerprinted.  I’ve never been to a courtroom.  The closest I have ever come has been being able to quote episodes of Night Court.  I lead a VERY uninteresting life.  Needless to say, I was horrified that anyone would even imply that I had any kind of record!


And of course, please vote if you’re not totally sick of the contest!  Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms.

14 thoughts on “My Life of Crime: Subliminal Criminal

  1. In my social worker days I had to get fingerprinted to teach parenting classes at the juvenile corrections facility. (Yes, parenting classes for incarcerated teen parents…) My husband and I had just gotten married and I also needed to get my new SS card and driver’s license. We lived in one of the bigger small towns of central Texas. The SS was in the mall. The DMV was in a trailer. The fingerprinting service only came through once a week and operated out of the Holiday Inn. No joke. It was a weird week.

  2. Wow, just like CSI! I think they scan your prints with their phones on that show, though. Let us know as soon as you find out what crime you committed!

  3. Love it…you’re a jail bird. You’re a tough mutha…because I would have fainted at the front door…just because I’m all soft like that.

  4. Pingback: 2013: A Year in Posts | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

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