Google Has the Questions, Jenn Has the Answers

This is how I view many of today’s lady bloggers. They are the cool kids. I’m more like an Amy Farrah Fowler.

I kept seeing it over and over.  People talking about this thing called Theme Thursday.  I wondered to myself what on earth it was, and I wondered how to get involved with it.  As it turned out, it was where the cool kids hung out.  And I got to sit at their table.

Oh what is it REALLY?  It’s a link up.  Every Thursday Jenn at Something Clever 2.0 picks a theme and the people that participate have a week to roll out a post for it.  It’s something I look forward to every week.  And Jenn puts up with me writing my plug for Theme Thursday each week featuring stuff like:

Theme Thursday was created by Jenn at Something Clever 2.0 to bring peace and harmony to the blogging world on Thursdays… and a place for a few of us to complain. Something Clever 2.0 assumes full responsibility if you are entertained by this post.

Theme Thursday:  Kid tested, mother approved, or something like that.

And my favorite thus far:  Theme Thursday is not filmed before a live studio audience.

Yet somehow she allows me to come back each week.  Imagine my delight when she agreed to guest post for me!  Again, I get to run with the cool kids!

This is me reacting to Jenn offering to guest post…

A little bit about Jenn (She wrote this.  She doesn’t complain as much as she thinks she does…):

Something Clever 2.0 is not so much a mommy blog as it is a humor blog written by someone who has a kid. Jenn likes TV and wine and hates most other things. She is excellent at complaining.

Here is her guest post, with no complaining involved:

My favorite part of any magazine or newspaper has always been the advice columns. It’s so fun to read about what’s going wrong in other people’s lives! I always thought I could do a better job than the writers. The problem was that nobody ever wrote to me for advice.

So imagine how thrilled I was when I hopped on Google the other day and was bombarded with all sorts of questions!  Every time I tried to type something into the search bar, another question would appear below it. Sometimes there were up to five questions! I didn’t see a way to answer them on Google, but I figured that if these people were smart enough to contact me through a search engine, surely they’d have no trouble finding my replies if I published them on someone else’s blog. I mean, my fans are clearly internet geniuses.

Here are the answers you’ve been waiting for!

Where is Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris lives in the hearts and minds of good little boys and girls everywhere.

I can’t figure out my face shape. This is hard to guess, without a picture. Please include one next time. For now, I’ll have to generalize… Are you a robot? If so, chances are your face is either square or rectangular. Are you a cat? If you are, and you happened to be looking down right now (say, at a keyboard), your face is kind of like a triangle. Are you a little girl on Nick Jr. who teaches children a foreign language? Then your head is probably a very wide, oversized oval.

What does YOLO mean? “Young’uns Often Lack Originality.”

What are the bases? The things that belong to us.

How do you get mono? By kissing popular girls. You should only kiss nerdy girls or you will get very, very sick.

How do I live without you? I’ve only been doing this advice gig for a few minutes, so it’s sort of soon for you to be that dependent on me. I feel confident that you’ll be okay without me. You’re strong. You can do it.

Who does the bachelor pick? The bachelorette.

How can you mend a broken heart? That depends on if it’s porous or not. If your heart is made out of a non-porous material like plastic, simply apply a thin layer of super glue to one edge, then hold the pieces together for at least one minute. Let the glue set overnight. If your heart is metal or porcelain, I’d recommend Gorilla Glue. Follow the instructions on the package.

How can I keep from singing? Why would you want to? Life’s a cabaret, or so I’m told. Oh, wait, are you a bad singer? That makes a difference. If you’re a bad singer, you can still sing; just roll up your car windows first.

Help, I have a headache. Take off your headband. It’s too tight.

Why do cats knead? When kittens nurse, they knead the momma cat to make the milk come out. When a grown cat kneads you, it means they are very calm and content, and they love you. If the cat is kneading dough, they are probably making bread or a pizza. I highly recommend that you record it and upload the video to YouTube.

What is love? I assume from your question that you are either a fan of “A Night at the Roxbury,” or a sentient robot. Or maybe Mitt Romney. If you’re one of the first two, please send me a private message; we should hang out.

Who can it be now? Colin Hay.

When do you ovulate? Well, thanks for asking! Actually, I use Mirena, so I don’t do that anymore. But I appreciate your concern.

When does Lent start? The Wednesday after McDonald’s starts running ads for Filet O’ Fish sandwiches.

Let me know if you have any more questions!