June Secret Subject Swap Pt 1-Star Wars: Return of Red Solo (Cups)

Welcome to Take One of June’s Secret Subject Swaps. This week, 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

George Lucas just called you–he knows you are a HUGE Star Wars fan, and he tells you he is tweaking one of his older movies. He wants to cast YOU in the film as a new character, and lets you choose the movie and the type of character you would be. Tell us your role and how it would change the movie.

It was submitted by: http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

Disclaimer:  I’ve been under a lot of stress due to neck, head, and back pain, therefore affecting my writing.  Read with caution.  I am not responsible for pants peed from laughing or followers running away and screaming and never coming back to my blog again.  There, you’ve been warned.  Now keep reading if you’re not too scared to do so…

What else do you do with the death star but make a death star bra?

What else do you do with the death star but make a death star bra?

It is with great pleasure that I write using this prompt, because 1)  I am a huge fan of the original movies.  2)  Marcia Doyle aka Menopausal Mother is a good friend of mine and
3)  Anyone could play the part of Anakin Skywalker better than Hayden Christiansen, including me.

Today I will be enacting the second subplot within Return of the Jedi, also known as the worst of the original trilogy and the movie “with all those teddy bear looking things.”  If you aren’t familiar with the Star Wars movies, or maybe you are, you might want to access this quick tutorial of the original movie before you read on…

Obviously I would have to be a shapely redhead with big blue eyes and mad typing skills.  I’d play Red Solo, Han Solo’s first cousin seventeen times removed.  But since it’s the Star Wars universe, and we can’t be too obvious that she’s a Solo we have to give her a pseudonym.  It can’t be anything normal, it would have to be something like Fon Doo, Lap Dans, or Shasta Windbreaker.  I like Shasta, we’ll go with that.

Shasta Windbreaker is the key to the entire Star Wars universe.  She’s the assistant to the Emperor’s assistant.  No one knows that she is a double agent.  She’s actually a member of PMS-a secret order of Jedi that Darth Vader did not find and destroy during the Clone Wars.  She organizes a resistance within the Empire luring Imperials over by bribing them with cookies.

the dark sideAlong with her droid 3M and her handsome but dumb companion Duh Mahn, she sets out to destroy the Empire from the inside out.

What she doesn’t know though is that her fellow PMSer Lady Vagisil has gone to the dark side and is planning on exposing their whole plan.  She and her accomplice, Saran Rapp, are secretly organizing the PMS army of jedis to strike against the good guys.  She also bakes better cookies, and therefore manages to lure the people that had just been lured to Shasta’s side back to her side.  So poor Shasta is left without anyone on her side other than Duh Mahn, who is just not a smart guy.

Determined to complete her mission, Shasta and Duh make plans to leave the Imperial Cruiser They attempt to leave by taking their ship, The Flatulent Penguin, but quickly realize that the ship is unable to fly very far.  Apparently Duh has a knack of picking bad spaceships.  Several previous ones that he has purchased, including The Fat Emu and The Frolicking Platypus, didn’t pan out either for some reason.  So instead they have to stow away on an Imperial Carnival Cruise Ship.

It's a TrampAs they quickly discover it’s a tramp… I mean trap!

Our heroes are quickly discovered by the PMSers.  Lady Vagisil decided to put an end to Shasta once for all by challenging her to a karoake sing off.  The songs?  “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” by REM, “Informer” by Snow, and “The Morning After” by Maureen McGovern.  As Shasta goes up to sing, Lady Vagisil tries to choke her death with her Sith chokehold.  It’s Duh to the rescue.  He runs onstage with a folding chair and knocks her off the stage with it.

A duel to the death with foot long corndogs ensues.  There is ketchup, there is mustard, but there is no mercy!

In the end, Shasta spares Lady Vagisil’s life.  But why?  WHY would she do such a thing?

Because Lady Vagisil is really… Princess Leia’s siamese twin sister, Lola Skywalker.  They were joined at the feet, but were separated at birth.  Shasta was able to sense this with her super force senses and underwear that glows whenever a member of the Skywalker family is present.  Of course what really gave it away was the croissants on her head.

sisterHaving decided to go to the lighter side, Lady Vagisil and Shasta join forces to help finish the Empire once and for all.  But before they can even leave the cruise ship, breaking news is broadcast on the Cruise News Channel.  The Emperor and Lord Vader are dead, the Death Star is destroyed, the Empire is defeated, and the whole galaxy is cordially invited to a weenie roast on the forest moon of Endor.

On Endor she crosses paths with her distantly related cousin.  She sees him and nods.  He says, “Wassup?” (The Solos have never been known for being very affectionate.)

However, after a long talk, she and Han decide to go into the disposable cup business together so that Leia can stay home and take care of all of the Ewoks they ended up adopting.  Now you know where Solo Cups really come from.

HanSoloCupHere are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://BakingInATornado.com                                 Baking In A Tornado

http://themomisodes.com/                                    The Momisodes

http://dinoheromommy.com/                                  Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                              Just A Little Nutty

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                       Follow me home . . .

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/           Moore Organized Mayhem

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/                           The Insomniac’s Dream

https://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/                     The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/             Stacy Sews and Schools

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/                  Menopausal Mother

http://www.noteveryonecanbeamermaid.com           Not Everyone Can Be A Mermaid

50 thoughts on “June Secret Subject Swap Pt 1-Star Wars: Return of Red Solo (Cups)

  1. Oh. My. God. This is freakin’ BRILLIANT!!! Sarah, you have outdone yourself here. The crazy names and puns—you never cease to amaze me. You obviously put a lot of thought into this post—I’m going to have to read it again because there is so much good stuff here—corn dog duels and Solo cups–you nailed this prompt!!!! LOVE IT!

  2. That was AWESOME! I’ve never seen Star Wars (except for Episode 1), but I’d TOTALLY watch if it were like this. Pure brilliance. If someone doesn’t feature this post or publish it or make a freaking movie out of it, then I will stop blogging and find a cave to live out my days, because I’ll have lost faith….

  3. Best. Secret. Subject. Swap. EVAR. Sarah, today you have won the Internets. We can all go home it’s over.

    I’m jealous of you for getting this prompt as a fellow Star Wars nerd, but you fucking rocked it like I doubt I could.

    I fucking heart this so hard.

  4. I want to be Lady Vagisil! For the bragging right only. You did an amazing job with this prompt, Sarah. I now have to share this with the man, who I’m certain will be dreaming of Lola Skywalker in no time.
    I will never look at Star Wars or Red Solo cups the same way…

  5. O M G. No one but you could write such a hilarious and imaginative post. Insomniac is right, we all bow down to you today. You win. {slinks away . . .]

  6. Sarah, I love this. Shasta Windbreaker is the best addition to the Star Wars trilogy; too bad Lucas didn’t realize your talents soon enough and instead created Jar-Jar Binks, which was the worst decision in the history of mankind. Also, I will never be able to look at a red Solo cup the same way again.

    Have fun babysitting all those adopted Ewok nieces and nephews. 😉

  7. Seriously, George Lucas so should have hired you, because this is so what those last few movies needed and so lacked. And so good to know where the Red Solo Cup actually originated from!! 🙂

  8. Pingback: June Secret Subject Swap Pt 1-Star Wars: Return...

  9. Hmmm…are you sure you wanna get rid of the neck pain? It seems to be adding to your usually high level of creativity! And MM is my sista too!

    • I tore my hair out for almost a week because nothing was coming to me, other than my mom had suggested writing that I was going to play Princess Leia’s siamese twin. Thank goodness the thought process kicked in!

  10. HOLY SHIT BALLS woman, this is fantastic! WOW! I mean WOW! seriously awesome writing. I can’t wait to share this with hubby he is a huge star walls fan and I know he will enjoy this.

  11. OMG this was holy shit balls* epically hilarious! I think I’ve met Duh Mahn – I may have worked with him once. And I love the death star bra! You are so freaking funny!! Love it.
    *I saw the above and wanted you to know I am giving extra complimentary compliments too.

  12. I want to be Lap Dans! This is brilliant. I cannot wait to read it aloud to the boys. I need to mop the floor anyway.
    Thanks! I needed that laugh therapy.

  13. So you’re NOT responsible for peed pants?? Shoot, need more laundry detergent then…
    Awesome job, Sarah, so creative and funny!

  14. Girl, you’re either completely genius or completely cracked. Either way, this post is ridiculously fantastic. I always wondered about the origin of Solo cups. 🙂 And I knew there was an Imperial Carnival Cruise Ship. How else do they fund everything?

  15. Pingback: Weekly Wrap-Up: The Couch Channeling Edition | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

  16. Hi, this reminds me of a song that would make a great sound track for your movie. “Red Solo Cup, I fill you up. Let’s have a party. Red Solo Cup. I think I love you.” Funny and I laughed so hard well that is all.

  17. Dude you have so not lost your mojo. I don’t know if you have too much time on your hands, or you’re just brilliant. I am thinking the latter 🙂

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