Toilet Tales: The Scoop on the Poop

Now hear this!

Now hear this!

Is it one of Murphy’s laws that when you need to go and want privacy that your kids will make sure you have anything but, but if you need another roll of toilet paper those little darlings will be somehow completely out of earshot?

When you’re a Mom let’s face it, there are NO secrets.  The world will inevitably know what you’re doing whether you want it known or what.  Recently I had one of those moments when I wished I could throw on a cloak of invisibility and hide away.

The children and I were literally up at the crack of dawn to deliver dear daddy to work.  We got up, threw some granola bars at them and were on the road at 6 am.  After a stop for my transportation fee of one large McDonald’s iced coffee, a little bit more than an hour passed and we arrived to deliver him to his destination problem free.

On the hour trip back home it was obvious that I was not going to make it home without a pit stop.  Last night’s supper combined with my ingestion of said coffee wasn’t going to let me off easy.  I was going to have to stop at a rest stop before I got back on the interstate.  I literally flew from the car right into the women’s restroom, daughter in tow and son ordered to use the men’s bathroom.

My daughter is scared of self flushing toilets.  Therefore I have to be in the stall with her when she does her business.  So of course she must come right into the stall with me as I barely make it to the throne to do business of my very own.

HA HA-there's no toilet paper!

HA HA-there’s no toilet paper!

I should have known better.  I’m not sure what that happened immediately after that was more embarrassing:

It could have been my daughter in the bathroom proclaiming to the whole world “YAY Mommy you’re pooping!  Ohhhhhh…. your little poops are so cute!”

(Damn self flushing toilets anyway.  Why do they only flush when you DON’T want them to-usually while you’re sitting on them, and not when you get up before your daughter can admire what you just made!)

Or it could have been my son standing outside of the women’s bathroom yelling “Mom are you done in there?  Mom?  Mom?  WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?  Are you pooping?”  I kept yelling back “I will be out in a minute.  I’m not finished.”  To which he would just keep yelling because he wasn’t actually listening to what I was yelling to him…

At that moment I really wished the toilet was a portal to the Ministry of Magic.  I bet they let you use the restroom in peace there…

My apologies to everyone at the Flying J rest stop that particular morning.  So sorry you had to hear all about my poop…


I might as well have been using this toilet. It would have been just as private.

44 thoughts on “Toilet Tales: The Scoop on the Poop

  1. OMG OMG OMG…LAUGHING SO FLIPPING HARD WOMAN…I can’t breathe…that is just too funny…
    Dino has to show me his poops…he is SO PROUD OF THEIR SHAPE AND SIZE. While pooping he needs is privacy, when I poop he wants to know answers to all sorts of questions *SIGH*

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it-this was another post that got some weird reactions. I giggled when I wrote it but once again I forget that those with our sense of humor are few and far between!

      • seriously???? I can proudly say I have a twisted and sick sense of humor long before Dino came…and now it’s even worse. I am the one making fart noises on long trips.. 🙂

  2. Oh man, that’s so embarrassing!!!! I’ve been so looking forward to the day my daughter is talking in full sentences and saying crazy funny things, but now I’m not so sure about the whole thing. 🙂 BUT…the blog fodder is pretty awesome. HA!!!

    • HEE HEE… just wait Dani! I’m sure I’ll be reading all about your very own mortifying moments before long. Not that I’d wish that one you, I just know you’re so great about sharing that kind of stuff! -)

  3. That is too funny! My daughter was terrified of thos self flushing toilets forever! She’s just barely getting over it now, and it is a major inconvenience when you travel nonstop! Thanks for sharing your humbling experience 😉

  4. Yay!!! You wrote about poop–my favorite blog subject! Nothing is sacred around kids. I was cracking up over your son yelling through the door to you for everyone to hear. I think I would have died on the spot. I’d like to tell you your children will outgrow this but they won’t . My grown kids still yell loud enough in a public restroom, “Mom!!! What are doing in there? Taking a duke??” THAT’S what happens when you raise kids in a poop-obsessed household!

  5. I thought it was bad that my daughter says “GOOD GIRL!” when I do something well, like remember to say thank you to our bank teller. This is just another level of embarrassment. Although I’m sure your poops are very cute 😉

  6. After reading that, I want to go to the Ministry of Magic with you! Oh, wait, I always want to go to the Ministry of Magic!…So complicated, all of this mothering stuff. Even the everyday, ordinary details are fraught! I agree with your daughter about the self-flusing toilets. Some sadistic childless person invented those.

  7. Yup- been there! And as a sidenote, I had some of that McD’s iced coffee the other day, caramel (one of four McDonald’s stops on our vacation- argh!) and I thought it was the foulest coffee I had ever consumed. If I hadn’t stopped after my first sip, I would have been in your situation x 10!

  8. What the heck?! Have we not taught our children any decorum? My son would have done the exact same thing. On our trip he had to come with me in the stall and man, he was basically giving everyone a blow by blow. I can’t wait to do that to him when he turns 16!

    • My son has no patience whatsoever. That’s not the first time he’s stood outside the bathroom and yelled, but the first time I couldn’t get out of there quick enough to shush him!

  9. HAHA to the self flushing toilets and I snorted snot, visibly with the “your poops are so cute.” (do you really say that and should I be? because my son refuses to poo in the potty)

  10. Your daughter was obviously very proud of you ~ poop perfection! And those pictures were hysterically funny!

  11. That’s hilarious! One time Emma, my 7 year old, was pooping in a public stall and Kate, my 4 year old, and I were waiting for her near the sinks. After every woman came out of the stall, Kate would ask them if they pooped or peed. LOL

  12. Pingback: Weekly Wrap-Up: The Uninspired Edition | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

  13. Oh lord … that’s hysterical. Reagan thankfully doesn’t comment on that but she isn’t shy about when it is my time of the month insisting that she gets my tampons for me! It’s a little weird.

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
    Please come back Friday to see if you were featured. 🙂

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  14. Yes, kids can be so loud and unembarrassed about such things can’t they? My daughter did the same thing to me when she was 2 and 3. She also went in the stall and yelled how bad it stunk when the woman who came out was washing her hands. I felt embarrassed then too.

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  16. I remember driving home from the military in my new, fully customized van. Somewhere along the Penn State Turnpike, there’s a T-shirt that sufficed for paper after I had to hang my butt out the passenger side sliding door in a similar emergency session. For some reason, I still have a picture of some homeless person picking up this new T-shirt … and then quickly dropping it. Funny post!

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