If My Life Were A Movie, I’d Hire Better Writers

Recent events have had me thinking about this post that I wrote awhile back and reblogged once before..  Naturally, WordPress won’t let you reblog something more than once.  So I have copied and pasted it all into a nice shiny new post!  So think of it as a rerun that you didn’t see the first time if it’s new to you.

If my life were a movie... there'd be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

If my life were a movie… there’d be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

I keep thinking lately that if my life were a movie we should almost be at the point where something wonderful happens.  You know, things just seem like they are so bad and then that great thing happens that miraculously turns things around.  It of course results in a happy ending.  The “It’s always darkest before the dawn” type thing.

So obviously this is real life and although I’m sure there’s a plan for me somewhere, I don’t see it happening.  But this brought up a very good bunch of stuff for my blog.  What IF my life WERE like a movie?  What would happen?

I’d get some sort of anonymous donor all of a sudden paying to send me to school.  Then I could follow my dreams.  If this were a movie, I’d know what those dreams were…

I'd get to go back to school with really smart fun people...

I’d get to go back to school with really smart fun people…

I’d have a trainer preparing me for my first triathlon using ordinary things.  I’d be weightlifting family sized cans of vegetable beef soup and full containers of cat litter. I’d be running through an obstacle course made of hula hoops, carefully arranged dog poop, empty Cheerios boxes, and leftover siding.  I’d be pulling a wagon loaded with all of the uneaten food from my house, which would be REALLY heavy (great training potential).  I’d be forced to run up and down the playground equipment at the park over and over.

Just as I’d just given up forever on finding a job and threw myself into something else (most likely the chest high mountain of laundry on the back porch), the dream job would happen to come up on the job website.  I’d decide to apply for one last job and get an interview.  They wouldn’t offer me the job at first, but something miraculous would happen and I would end up getting an even better job because I impressed someone there… because they would think I’m awesome.

We’d break out into song at the most interesting moments.  My daughter going poop in the potty would rate a huge song and dance number.  I would finally get a job interview, and there would be dancers following me as I sang all the way there about how I was going to change my life.  Dinnertime-you bet there’d be some sort of production.  And everyone would like and eat the food too.

"Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!"  Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

“Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!” Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

Somehow my schedule would miraculously allow me to do all kinds of work to prove the naysayers wrong.  I’d be out there, pounding the pavement, doing something to make everyone who ever doubted me have faith in me again.  Not sure what that would be, but I’d be proving them wrong.

My husband would be very romantic. You know, random flowers and stuff like that.  I bet he’d be conscious too, unless it was a comedy relief type of thing, because unconsciousness can be very funny.

I’d have a better wardrobe (does the HD camera also add ten pounds?)  And better hair.  Much better hair.

I have pretty cute children anyway.  I suppose they would be just as cute, and would say much of the same stuff they say in real life.  Except my daughter wouldn’t poop her pants at the most inopportune moments, and my son wouldn’t eat his boogers.

I’d be giving up my blog just about the time a famous editor would read it.  He would make great strides to try to find me and hire me to come to work for his company.  Also, my fans would rally around my house begging me to return to what inspired their life:  My blog.  Oh yes, and I would have a lot of fans.

I’d have a lightsaber.  I’d also have some sort of superpowers.  And I’d be able to do that slow motion floating and turning in the air thing like on The Matrix movies.  There’d be some sort of epic battle in my backyard.  I’d win.

It would have an awesome, though eclectic, soundtrack.

Yes my life is definitely not a movie.  If you’re willing to buy my story, however, we’ll talk.

Would my life story have all the elements of a Nicholas Cage movie? Would he wonder why he wasn't in the movie?  I'm sure all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed.

Would my life story have all the elements of a Nicholas Cage movie? Would he wonder why he wasn’t in the movie? I’m sure all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed.

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30 thoughts on “If My Life Were A Movie, I’d Hire Better Writers

  1. Wait, you don’t have a light saber, superpowers, and the Matrix slow-mo ability? I always imagined you that way minus the scary all-black leather look. (Not comfortable sounding at ALL) ;).

    In seriousness, I am hardly movie material either, but I love my life nonetheless. If your life does get made into a movie, I would love to be played by Kate Winslet please. I just love the mental image of her stalking you on the Internet and comisserating over ADD minds together.

    • The scary all black leather look? I think of it more like Black Widow in Avengers.

      Some aspects of my life are really bringing me down right now. I hope that this too shall pass soon!

      I should seriously think about who should play me. I’ll alert Kate Winslet to the opportunity to play the one and only Sarah Balding!

  2. That is a movie I would definitely watch Sarah! “Myyyyy husband mowed the lawwwwwn”. Love it!!

  3. OKAY. I would totally go to see this movie and dance during the moments when you burst out into song. I think my life is a movie and someone is going to pop out and yell…just kidding…here’s all the things we hid on you as a joke.

  4. I love how vividly you write. You made me see you and your daughter on the potty break into song and I haven’t had that much fun since spontaneous breakings into songs on Ally McBeal! I can identify with the feeling you describe here (not just the hair, although hell yeah to the hair thing) the longing for that great big thing to happen. I really hope that at least one of those wishes is covered, once that happens everything else will become easier. 🙂

  5. Pingback: Weekly Wrap-Up: The Uninspired Edition | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

  6. You totally crack me up. It was all so normal, well if you can call it normal, and then the lightsaber Matrix thing. It would be like you were Lucy Lu. Have you ever seen Everyone Says I Love You by Woody Allen? It’s a musical, I pictured you dancing down the streets ala Woody. Great visual, thanks for making me smile 🙂

  7. Love this post! And I never caught it before, so it’s new to me.

    Except your daughter would poop her pants AND your son would eat his boogers while at the interview with that editor because your sitter would have cancelled on you at the last minute because you had this super important meeting and the kids provide an obstacle/comic relief for the scene. But none of it would be gross because they’re so darned cute and you’d STILL get the job.

  8. What a great post…sad part is I don’t know many who wouldn’t totally identify with it…except me cuz I have super powers and a light saber…yeah, Im livin the dream all right!

  9. OMG! Am I psychic? Remember I just tweeted your other post with a Julie Andrews reference? Girl, we are on the same wavelength…If I had the money, I’d buy your story! Now, the important question: who’s playing you?

  10. I’m so there with all of the ‘breaking-into-song’ bits. And the super powers. And the editor discovering you. And the new job. I think if my life were a movie, it would be ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ or something like that. Sigh.

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