Buzzing in to DeBie Hive

writer'I am pleased to say that I am participating in DeBie Hive’s Writer’s Workshop Wednesday this week!  This is thrilling to me because Kelly is somewhat of a blogging idol of mine-her blog is one of the first I followed when I got into the blogging game.  It’s a little scary too, because she is Wonder Woman, so she can totally kick my butt.

Keep in mind that this post is not my usual fare.  It’s less funny and more true to real life than a lot of my writing that I post on this blog!  Read with the understanding that I’m quite a bit worn down from being with kids 24/7 and my husband working extremely long hours this summer!  We can’t be all sweet 100% of the time…

Read by clicking the link below…



I’m Tired

TMT Bathtub Time Machine: Y2K and Yet Another Humor Me Blog Hop

Jen Kehl

What is Twisted Mixtape Tuesday?  It’s the totally cool musical blog hop hosted by Jen of My Skewed View and Kristi of Finding Ninee.  We’re wrapping up the decades of music these next couple of weeks-we’ve arrived in the 2000s.

Enter the millenium. Did you spend time preparing for Y2K? I was a little disappointed that nothing happened.  I was hoping for at least a little glitch in electricity or something.  Nope, nothing.

I wish I could say that the arrival of the 2000s was that simple for me.  Not so much.  Some pretty dark stuff had happened to me by this era, and the music I listened to was subsequently darker.  If I had a bathtub that would actually cover my ladybits when I got in, I might have taken a few baths to deal with the stress…

We only have one more trip in our bathtub before our musical voyage through time is done.  Tell Chandler to move over and climb in.  Chicken and Diet Coke optional.

No Leaf Clover (2000) Metallica  S&M

I surrender.  Metallica and a symphony orchestra.  I swear they made this CD just for me. This is my favorite song from this work of art.  Agree or agree to disagree with love for this song, it’s a masterpiece.

Crawling (2001) Linkin Park  Hybrid Theory

One of my very favorite bands.  They’ve had what I would call more “experimental” music the last couple of years, but I still really like most of what they do.  This is the first song I ever heard from them and it absolutely blew my socks off.

Prayer (2002) Disturbed  Believe

A coworker of mine went to a Disturbed concert and got to go backstage and touch the lead singer.  I had more of a story to go with this and now just can’t remember it…

Send the Pain Below-Chevelle (2003) Wonder What’s Next

Chevelle.  There’s a band.

Bring Me To Life-Evanescence (2003)  Fallen

This duet, like most of what you hear from Evanescence is amazing.

Seven Nation Army (2003) The White Stripes Elephant

Can’t stop watching, can you?

I Miss You (2004) Blink 182 Blink 182

Originally this song was written about The Nightmare Before Christmas.  That’s pretty deep for a band that spent more time naked than clothed in their music videos.

A Message-Coldplay (2005) X&Y

Sooooo… Coldplay.  There is something strangely addictive about this group.  I have all of their CDs.  I put one in and I just can’t stop listening… Everybody knows Coldplay, but not everyone knows this song.

Original Fire-Audioslave (2006)  Revelations

Chris Cornell.  Rock on.  Nuff said.

Tarantula-Smashing Pumpkins (2007)  Zeitgeist

Oh look, Sarah likes a Smashing Pumpkins song.  Who would have guessed that?

The Crow and the Butterfly (2008) Shinedown The Sound of Madness

I’m not sure what it is about this song.  It might be the minor key, or the vivid story that it paints.  Whatevs, Shinedown is another one of those groups that could write a song about cardboard and I’d probably listen to it.

Had enough dark stuff?  Hang on because we’re going to transition to laughs…

Misplaced Alaskan

Welcome to the Humor Me Blog Hop where the fun is just beginning…

And you know what? I didn’t cohost last week, even though everyone thought I was, and I won! Well, it was a three way tie between three of us-me, Brian from MooGeek, and Rich from That’s Life…Sometimes!  I got a fun button for it that I’ll try to get up somewhere lickety split!

Now for the rules.  Rules?  HA HA that’s funny!  No, really, we have rules.  They’re like directions. Yes males, you have to keep reading even though I called them directions!

1)  Please only link up funny things.  If you link up serious stuff we might put a “Kick Me” sign on your back.

2) For every post you read, an flying monkey gets wings.  So be sure to read at least a couple of the other posts that look fun!

3)  Choose your favorite post and click the “like” by it to show that you loved it.

4) And have fun, k?

Check out the peeps that are a part of this hilarious moment in time:

The Mastermind

SweetaprilsThe Entertainer
Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine With My Morning Quiet Time?
The Pretty Boy

The one that won’t let me get the formatting right to give her a title…the woman who defies everything, including WordPress

Julie DeNeen 2.0

And of course ME, the person that wandered into this room and was told I had to cohost this blog hop or else…

So please, link up your funnies down below-you’ll have to click to actually see everything.  Free WordPress won’t show you the good stuff!  I can’t wait to see you there…

Powered by Linky Tools

Click here to enter your link and view this Linky Tools list…

I Didn’t Go To BlogHer and Get Free Lubricant, But I Did Go To Jail

I know the feeling Spidey...

I know the feeling Spidey…

If you’re a gal that blogs, and you weren’t at BlogHer this past weekend AND you have a lot of blogging friends, you saw a lot of pictures that made you wonder why the hell you were missing out on what only could be the party of a lifetime.

From what I saw on Facebook, there were all kinds of things I missed out on. There was learning, there was bonding, there was a lot of alcohol, there was LUBRICANT.  Yes, apparently on top of everything else they gave away free lubricant and vibrators.  I am so sorry I missed it!

In case you hadn’t heard I wasn’t there.  Previously I blogged about what I thought was going to go down at the conference.  However I had a party of my own instead.  Here is what you missed out on this weekend at Not At BlogHer 2013:

I showered twice in three days (*GASP!*)
I stared in silence at a lot of pictures of people having fun at BlogHer.
My kids broke a broom among other things.
We almost ran out of cheese.
My husband worked all day Friday AND Saturday.
My kitten drew blood four times.


Everyone looks like they’re having so much fun… Now I want wine and chocolate…

Actually I DID do something while this was all going on.  I cohosted a Twitter party with Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 just for the unlucky folks that didn’t get the opportunity to be at BlogHer.  It was dubbed Home Con 13 (#HomeCon13).  It was my first real experience at a Twitter party.  While I’ve been a part of #wineparty and #spikedpunch in the past, I seriously didn’t know what I was doing and really didn’t participate all that much.  But the difference is this time I had some people in my court that were able to help me figure it all out and get the proper tools to stay with it. And it was a hoot!  It was also so popular that it was the number one thing trending on Twitter!

(For those of you that are like me and don’t know what “trending” means, it means that it was the number one thing that users on Twitter were tweeting about!)  Jenn has a very nice visual on her weekly wrap-up if you would like to see.

As a matter of fact, Home Con 13 was such a big success that we have decided that we would like to make it more of a regular thing.  Perhaps even monthly!  If you missed it, don’t despair, it will happen again.  And I have some things to help you if you are one that is not well versed in the “Twitter party” avenue.

One thing you can do is download Tweetdeck.  I always assumed this was something that you paid for, but it’s not.  Here’s what I found out about Tweetdeck after using it:
The Pros-You can separate stuff into nice, neat columns so you can see what’s going on.
The Cons-There’s nothing in this program that puts the hashtag in there for you each time.  Due to this I erred and many times I typed in homcom13, homecone13… I had several people tell me to just copy and paste it, but between the fact that my computer just plain has issues I can’t do a lot because the mouse I’m using is stolen.  Yes, my mouse had issues so I “stole” the mouse from my kids’ computer.  Shame on me-this situation will be resolved on payday, I hope.

DO NOT allow your cat to handle your social media interactions for you. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrf#2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 is the kind of stuff you'll get.

DO NOT allow your cat to handle your social media interactions for you. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrf #2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222is the kind of stuff you’ll get.

Thanks to having the Tweetdeck, I was able to keep fairly good track of all that was happening.  It all went so fast-even with Tweetdeck there was a lot going on. So many people tweeting all at once!  But it was fun!  So many people from all over the world connecting and chatting and having a blast doing it.  Somehow I helped that happen!

Then chaos broke out.  Jenn got thrown in jail.  Then I got thrown in jail.  That’s because nothing says “party” like both of your hosts getting thrown in the slammer, right?  Not real jail of course, Twitter jail. Being thrown in Twitter jail happens when you send a certain number of texts within a certain amount of time, or follow too many people within a certain amount of time, or piss off the Twitter gods…

When it was all said and done, I may still have felt bummed for not going to Chicago and attending BlogHer, but I got to have a lot of fun without even leaving my house or having anyone come over to my place.  It’s nice to have people to talk to that understand the stuff you’ve been going through!  We know how to have a good time here!

Were you one of the lucky ducks who got to go to BlogHer?  Was there anything unusual and/or different that you would like to share from your experience?  Did you get to attend our little shindig on Friday night?  What did you think?  Did you miss out and think it sounded like fun?  Keep an eye out here on my blog or over at Jenn’s place. We’ll let you know when the next party will be held!

As close as we get to a wild and crazy conference at our house. Blogging NAKED! (Not me).

As close as we get to a wild and crazy conference at our house. Blogging NAKED! (Not me).

Weekly Wrap-Up: The I Forgot to Add Anything Funny to the Title Edition

thumb wars

I think that I can call this week a success.  For the first time in a very long time, I got over 200 views, and more than once this week!  I also cohosted my very first Twitter party with Jenn of Something Clever 2.0, #homecon13, and was so bad I got thrown in Twitter jail!  How do you like that?

And BlogHer weekend is partway over and I haven’t died of jealousy, though my Facebook feed is overloaded with pictures of people having fun.  Damn them! 😉

So here’s what happened here in my world this week on this here blog:

Monday  Call Toll Free, Operators Are Standing By  I really think I should start basing all my posts from comments I have made on other blogs. This is my third or fourth that came from something I read. Hmmm…

Tuesday Twisted Mixtape Tuesday Bathtub Time Machine: 90s Ear Worms and Eye Worms (Shut Up Beavis!)  Some of the most “sticky” stuff from the 90s.  You listen and see if some of it doesn’t get stuck in there.  Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more…

Wednesday  Here I Go Again…  The self proclaimed blog whore that I am, here I go giving my stuff away for free.  I hung out with Roshni at Indian American Mom all day.

Thursday  Theme Thursday: Where’s the Genie in My Bottle?  In my opinion, infinite wishes has to be one of the best themes we’ve had. I mean, come on, take a look at my genie!

Friday  Fly on the Wall July 2013: The Knee Licker Edition  I really should just rename this feature “Weird Stuff My Kids Say”.

Stuff I Loved This Week

Are You A-BRA-sive? Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess  Here is a blogger that I just don’t read enough, and it’s too bad because she’s hysterical!

Don’t Be A Facehooker The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears  If you are on Facebook you’ll most likely find this too funny and too true!

I Vant To Suck Your Tomato Tracy Winslow Momaical  Speaking of hysterical, Tracy’s kids are somehow related to mine.  This is something that I swear could have been said in my house.

The Royal Birth Vs My First Birth Leslie Marinelli at In the Powder Room  Chances are if you have birthed your babies that there’s something you have in common with the royal birth, but I bet it’s not as funny!

Blogs I’m Loving Right Now

In addition to my favorite posts, now and then I might choose a blog that I really enjoy.  One of my favorites as of late is Mommy Has Issues.  Oli is a beautiful six year little girl who happens to have been born with disabilities.  Her Mommy is a beautiful lady who shares her story.  This is a very special blog, and I want you to go check it out.  If you follow her on Facebook, you’ll get to see some very neat videos of Oli that will make you smile!

Things I DID NOT Like This Week

My Blog Has Been Stolen and Here’s How I’m Handling ItFunny is Family  Why would anyone want to steal a blog?  Especially from someone as cool as my friend Amy? Apparently it does happen.  If you have a blog, I encourage you to read this.  She tells her story and includes some excellent links.

But on a related and much better note-I made the Cheesy Chicken Tater Tot Casserole that Mere from Does This Match? contributed for Amy’s Crockpot Thursday-and IT IS TO DIE FOR! It’s probably a zillion calories, but one bite and you won’t care because you will have achieved crockpot nirvana…

If I had one of these to follow it up I probably would have died.  And that would have been fine with me.

If I had one of these to follow it up I probably would have died. And that would have been fine with me.

Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

carol kane vacation Just how does Carol Kane go on vacation, and why are people looking it up on my blog?

Chad Knaus Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  Huh? It doesn’t even fit into the song.  I know because I tried it!

girl baking a cake with her boobs Sounds really hard to do.  The only thing my boobs do are hang out and look pretty.

pooping in a cornfield Does anyone else have Motley Crue come to mind? It fits!  Or Peter, Paul, and Mary.  Time to get the autoharp out.  Perhaps a new segment here on The Sadder but Wiser Girl-Musical Search Terms!

I have a writer all ready to step in, just in case I need a break...

I have a writer all ready to step in, just in case I need a break this next week…

Next Week

Monday-It’s Old School Blogging Fun!  Jen Kehl tagged me in this too fun post and I can’t wait to share it!

Tuesday-Twisted Mixtape Tuesday visits the 00s and the Humor Me Blog Hop!

Wednesday-I’ll be over guest posting at DeBie Hive.  I’m really nervous about this, because she’s like a blogging goddess in my eyes. You know she’s Wonder Woman.  If it sucks she can totally kick my arse!

Thursday-Theme Thursday is all about rivalries. What will I write about? I have an idea, and those who know me well probably know exactly what I’m thinking!

Friday-Friday may be a day off for me, but we shall see what comes out of the old noggin before then!

Have a great weekend.  I leave you with this, because this is so me…


July 2013 Fly on the Wall: The Knee Licker Edition

flyWelcome to a Fly on the Wall group post. Today 12 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my house.  Don’t be scared, I promise we don’t bite very hard!  


We did crafts. He thinks he needs to wear this everywhere now!

On a recent visit to my sister’s house, I mentioned that The Professor thinks that having a mohawk would be pretty cool.  My brother in law turns and hollers across the room to him “Hey, do you want a mohawk?”
The Professor:  “No thank you.  My mom says I can’t have one.”

The Princess to the Professor: “Have you ever had a blood transformation?”
The Professor: “Yeah, but it wasn’t blood, it was just liquid.”
(It took me a minute to realize what he was talking about-he was referring to when he was in the hospital for dehydration and had to have an IV!)

We returned from our travels to find that the dog had destroyed an eraser, an ink pen, and part of my beloved yoga mat.  Upon thinking the situation over, we decided that he had done some yoga, then got hungry and ate the yoga mat.  Afterwards he made a pro con list and must have decided to destroy the evidence.  Makes sense, right?

We were watching the clouds getting darker and darker as a thunderstorm rolled in.
The Professor:  “According to my research, those are stratus clouds.”
Where was he doing research?

The Princess sat on the couch, making a weird face.  I asked her what was wrong.
“Every time I lick my knee it hurts.”

The Princess and her sparkly visor.

The Princess and her sparkly visor.

I was worrying about the fact that I couldn’t find the kitten’s little blanket to put in the bathroom with him at night.  Evil Genius replied: “That’s ok, he sleeps on your bra.”

The other day my daughter went upstairs and started having a pillow fight.
With herself.
Should I have been concerned?

At the park, other children are playing on the equipment.  But not my son, he’s analyzing it.  I hear him say to one of the other children “My knowledge of engineering is not great, but I’m pretty sure this was built in the 1950s or 60s.”

Out on one of our nature walks, the Princess asked me “Mommy, what does a dick look like?”
Me (hoping I’d heard her wrong):  A what?
The Princess:  “A dick.  You know, you saw one when we were walking to the park.”
Me:  “Ummmmm… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
What the hell was she talking about???? I saw no dicks of any kind yesterday.
Finally it dawned on me:  “OHHHH, you mean a DITCH!”
Thank goodness that was what she meant…

One of the unfortunate victims of our latest round of storms was our neighbor’s tree.  We had some pretty big branches in our yard and on our roof.
Me:  “The neighbor guy hauled off the tree branches, except for the ones still on the roof of course.”
Evil Genius: “That’s ok, the grass in our yard will cover it up before the end of the week.”

Eating dinner at a Chinese restaurant, The Professor explains to us that “Eating fish makes you a good swimmer.”


Mommy this does not work. It must be BROKEN!

The Princess was having a little play time before her T-ball game at the park.  She sat on the merry go round.  And sat.  And sat.  Finally she starts yelling to me: “Mommy, this thing doesn’t work.  It must be broken!”

The Professor is wearing a blue shirt, red shorts, and yellow socks.  When I asked him about it, he replied “MOM, I’m wearing the primary colors!”

The Princess sits next to Evil Genius and says “I like doing things for you, because doing things for someone you love is making love.”
Evil Genius: “Um, nooooooo… not exactly.”

I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse around the little world that I call home.  Now check out some other people’s lives:                                     Baking In A Tornado                                Just a Little Nutty                          Follow me home . . .                Stacy Sews and Schools                   Menopausal Mother            Moore Organized Mayhem                            The Insomniac’s Dream                                      The Momisodes                      Spatulas on Parade                              The Rowdy Baker                  Sorry kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others


Theme Thursday: Where’s the Genie in My Bottle?

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday.  It’s better than a litter of kittens, a box of wine, and McDonald’s french fries all put together!  Each week a theme is chosen via a very scientific method-most likely Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 pulling a piece of paper out of a hat.  Then we all get to work and come back with what we want to write about it.  No rules.  Ok, a few rules, but not TOO many for you rebels out there, because we like rebels.  This week’s theme is wishes. 

Does that sound like fun?  Why yes, it is.

When we were kids we always said that if we found a genie in a bottle we’d do the whole wishing thing the right way.  We’d wish for a million wishes instead of the three wishes that people always seemed to screw up in the stories we read!

And me with my problems with indecision, would definitely need more then three wishes!


One of my husband’s coworkers brought this back from Italy. He went there because he is 100% born and raised Italian. I thought this was cool, it looks like something a genie would live in, does it not?

Needless to say, when I found out that this week’s theme was wishes, I was ready to jump right on that bandwagon.  I could use a few wishes.  Even more importantly, I could use a good genie!  Therefore, before the wishes, we must address the question:  What would my genie look like????

The Aladdin genie, while very funny, doesn’t really do it for me.  Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie?  No thanks.  Kazaam?  Think I’ll pass. How about an Iron Genie?  Think about it…

Make me some coffee!

Make my wishes come true!

If I really did find a genie, I would have to make sure to ask the genie if the genie bra was really that magical…  And then I would make sure that instead of three wishes, that I would be granted infinite wishes.  It would be like having my very own fairy godparents, except BETTER (because you saw my genie, right?)

So what would I use my infinite wishes on?  Oh boy… so many possibilities.

Very first and foremost, I would wish for financial security for my family for the rest of our lives.  Not rich beyond our wildest dreams, just enough so that we wouldn’t have to (barely) live paycheck to paycheck.  This worrying constantly about whether we will have enough each pay period is for the birds.

I’d wish for some of those shirtless superheroes to come hang out at my house.  I can look, I just can’t touch, right?  And they would do all the things I need done, like clean my gutters and fix my appliances.

That's really, really nice.  Now fix my dishwasher.

That’s really, really nice. Now fix my dishwasher.

I would wish for success.  I’m not talking rich and famous success.  I mean being successful at something.  Like my writing to garner a bit more readership.  Perhaps get a book published… Or to just be able to go back to school without going bankrupt would be nice.  I know, I’ll keep dreaming…

A new laptop, with infinite memory, lightning fast internet browsing, and don’t forget the port to plug right into my brain, just like my friend Starr at The Insomniac’s Dream blogged about awhile back when we were doing “Useful Inventions” as our theme.  Oh yes, and no overheating issues, so I could actually be online for more than a little bit at a time!

I would wish for transporter technology so that we could go visit our friends and family in an instant.  Think about it-you’re getting married in Florida?  No big deal, I’ll just beam right down there.  Then I could meet Menopausal Mother for a drink in her backyard! Aw heck, I could do that every weekend!

Meno Mom backyard

Can’t you picture me having a pina colada here?

I’d wish for a better brain.  One that works regularly and doesn’t have holes in it like mine does.  Or maybe I just need to wish for some plugs for the holes!

I would wish for more empathy in the world.  And common sense.  Gosh, wouldn’t that be lovely?

How about a faucet that distributes a little bit of vino? Of course you’d think that if my genie came out of a wine bottle that would be a no-brainer…

I would wish for more talent in the kitchen.  Right now I can’t get an ounce of inventiveness (outside of what Amy at Funny is Family dishes up for her super duper Crockpot Thursdays there’s very little to add to my repertoire these days.)

cat cora

How I feel in the kitchen on a good day…

Bork bork bork!

What’s more realistic.  Bork bork bork!

I would wish for a cure, or at least a better understanding of autism.

Of course I’d wish for Calorie free desserts that taste like the real thing…

And a good night’s sleep, or two, or ten.  Heck it’s infinite wishes, right?

Most importantly, I’d wish for happiness for my children, for them to be able to attain their hopes and dreams, and eventual success.

Now dammit, it’s in my head and I have to play it…

Thought this looked like fun?  Want to participate in a future Theme Thursday?  The theme is listed for the following week in each week’s Theme Thursday post.  See what we’ve got going on, write to your little heart’s content, then come back and link er up.  In the meantime, please read some of this week’s posts to get some inspiration, because we are always inspiring, at least 92% of the time…

No I meant without the suits.  I mean they'd be wearing clothes.  I mean, oh never mind...

Oh boys, fighting over me are we?  This could happen, except they’d be without the suits. I mean they’d be wearing clothes. I mean, oh never mind…

Here I Go Again…

Indian American Mom

Here I go again, throwing my guest posts all around the internets!  Today I am guesting at my friend Roshni’s blog, Indian American Mom.  I am very excited about this, because I think she is a fascinating person. I don’t know a lot about Indian culture, so I feel like I learn a lot from reading her blog.  You can’t get better than that, reading friend’s writing AND learning stuff, right?

I’m also sharing her button up at the top, because I think it is so neat!

I hope that her readers (and you) will enjoy reading my thoughts that come after losing so much sweat and blood (from mosquito bites, not being injured in any way) on the ball field!
Here’s the link:

Random Thoughts from The T-Ball Diamond

Oh the humanityI call this one “Oh the HUMANITY!”

Twisted Mixtape Tuesday Bathtub Time Machine: 90s Ear Worms and Eye Worms (Shut Up, Beavis!)

Jen Kehl

What is Twisted Mixtape Tuesday? ALL MUSIC.  ALL OF THE TIME.  And a few words to go along with it…  Join our lovely hostesses Jen from My Skewed View and Kristi from Finding Ninee in discovering all kind of different music to make your next mixtape with!

Sooooooo… the 90s…  We’ve moved from my list of favorites last week to songs that won’t leave your upper body alone.  Speaking of, what would the 90s be without a clip from this award winning show that changed the world as we know it…

So hop back in my bathtub and let’s ruin our auditory nerves together.  We start in the early 90s.  As a matter of fact, there were so many ear worms in that time period that apparently my ears had a difficult time moving on…

I’m Too Sexy-Right Said Fred (1991) Up

I’m too sexy for my cat, what do ya think about that?

Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover-Sophie B Hawkins (1992)  Tongues and Tails

DAMN!  I used to love this song.  The story behind it will remain mine and only mine forever and ever…

Baby Got Back-Sir Mixalot (1992)  Mack Daddy

“Oh my GAWD Becky, look at her butt.  It’s SO BIG!”  A man sings about butts, while standing on a butt.  Sounds like we need to watch some more Beavis and Butthead.

What is Love-Haddaway (1993) Haddaway

Anyone who watched SNL had this song stuck in their head pretty much for eternity… One of the dumbest skits in the history of the show, but for some reason it was pretty damn funny!

Loser-Beck (1993) Mellow Gold

You don’t find lyrics any better than this: “My time is a piece of wax, falling on a termite, it’s choking on the splinters…”

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm-Crash Test Dummies (1993) God Shuffled His Feet

This song gets all kinds of awards for uniqueness, among them is the only song title I know that is all the same letters.

Two Princes-Spin Doctors (1993)  Pocket Full of Kryptonite

This song has the same tune as Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind, but it’s more tolerable.  Right?  RIGHT????

Come Out and Play-The Offspring (1994) Smash

Just try.  Try really hard to get that one out of your brain!

One of Us-Joan Osborne (1995) Relish

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah… A song that I really love, but not quite enough to put on my favorites list.  So I put it here, because it does get stuck up in there with all of those rocks.

Lump-The Presidents of the United States of America (1995) The Presidents of the United States of America

But this video isn’t actually Lump, because I don’t actually remember the words of the “real” song.  Once again, thank you Weird Al.

Song 2-Blur (1997) Blur

WOO-HOO!  A song that makes absolutely no sense that you can’t get out of your noggin.

Dizzy? Sick to your stomach? I hope not, but if you are, the toilet is right over there…

I totally lost a ton of time that should have been spent on more productive things, simply because I kept coming back to watch the videos on here!  It’s so disturbing… But if you’re not totally scared away, tune in again next week, when we depart the 90s and enter the final leg of our Bathtub Time Machine journey.  *Sniff*  Don’t forget to click on the cassette tapes at the top of the post to see what other amazing stuff that people actually listened to way back then!

Call Toll Free, Operators Are Standing By

Those who know me know very well that I’m a big fan of When Crazy Meets ExhaustionShe’s one of my blogging idols.  I’m especially fond of her Oversharing series, because we all know how little that I overshare…  The most recently documented embarrassing situation here was by another one of my favorite bloggers, Dani Ryan from Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine.  Without giving too much away, there was a phone call made to the toll free number on the the back of the tampon box.

firecracker tamponThat got the idea diarrhea going full force.  First I wondered this:  How does one get a job as a “tampon support person”? Obviously there is a need for such a position!  But just the thought…  How do they do that?  Is there an ad in the paper?  Do they just outright advertise for the position, or is it one of those “secret” jobs that they don’t actually indicate what it’s for?

Help Wanted:  Tampax Customer Service
Description:  We are looking for an person with knowledge and enthusiasm about menses!  Do you love tampons?  Do you approach periods with perkiness? Do you like vaginas?  Then you need to apply with us!  Come work in our period friendly environment.  One of our perks is that our operators work only seven days a month!
Minimum qualifications:  Must know what a tampon is and where it goes.
Preferred qualifications:  Bachelor’s degree.  Working knowledge of the vagina a plus.  Experience in search and retrieval helpful.

Then I wondered about the possible hierarchy of the organization.  Was tampon support something that people work up to?  Do they start out in pantiliners?  If you are in the Overnight Maxipad department have you hit the padded ceiling (which would be like a glass ceiling, but a little different)?

After all of these thoughts were done invading my mind, I started looking at the backs of all the products that we have.  Sure enough, almost every one of them has some sort of toll free number that you can call.  The thought of this rendered me incapable of doing pretty much anything the rest of the night, mainly because the conversations that could be happening on some of these hotlines.  Oh.My.Gawd.

Toothpaste Support

You can call the number on the back of your toothpaste.  I’m actually surprised that my kids haven’t done this, because toothpaste seems to be somewhat of a challenging thing in my house.  It’s all related to the squeezing.  Even if they can get it out, there’s a permanent giant toothpaste glob stuck on the end that all of the other toothpaste that has yet to come out either has to go around or through.  Beautiful toothpaste art.  It makes me think that maybe there is an online tutorial for squeezing your toothpaste.

Worst-JobToilet Paper Hotline

On the same token as the tampons, there is also a toll free number that you can dial if you’re having trouble with your toilet paper.  I imagine not only is this a shitty job, I doubt that many people call with positive things to say.  Really, who is going to call and say “I wanted someone to know that this is the best my butt has felt in YEARS!”

It’s probably more like people calling to say things like “DAMN your toilet paper sucks!  I used sand paper yesterday and I couldn’t tell the difference..”

Or “I don’t understand this whole wiping thing.  Is there some kind of step by step process you can walk me through?”

Beer Assistance

On the back of Budweiser products there is 1-800-DIAL-BUD.  This I find extremely funny, and I’m not surprised that I know this because I’ve spent a reasonable amount of time reading the backs of alcohol bottles, especially the warnings, aloud to other people because I’m weird like that.  Somehow I think that people that choose to utilize this would not do it in the manner for which it was intended.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuude.  I can’t open my beer!  Help!”

“I dunno what to do, man.  My friend is passed out behind the toilet.  Yeah, BEHIND it!”

(True story. I wasn’t there, but according to my husband this is totally true.)

And for the record, there is no helpline on the back of underwear.  So if you can’t get your underwear on, you’re just screwed.  No help for you!

Just so you understand my case here, these are not necessarily original thoughts.  While all thoughts used in this article are my own, Ellen Degeneres did her own take on this stuff.  Because I love her and someday hope that she and I’ll get to hang out, I’m going to share it here:

Have you ever called a product support line? Is there something that you saw the number on the back of and it the possible scenarios made your life more interesting?  Please share with me-I’d love to hear it!

Weekly Wrap-Up: The Winner Winner Chicken Dinner Edition

I hope your weekend has been so awesome that you're farting rainbows!

I hope your weekend has been so awesome that you’re farting rainbows!

My husband is working 60 plus hour weeks (I wish I was exaggerating) and it’s THAT time of the summer where I really need to rent my children out for a couple hours a day.  I’m not sure it would be a good deal for the person on the receiving end unless it’s someone looking for some entertainment and don’t need to get anything else done but pay attention to two adorable children…

Despite all of this, I actually managed to do write some stuff this week…

Monday  The Canine-Feline Paradigm: Who Ate My Poop?  We had this great idea to get a kitten…

Tuesday  Twisted Mixtape Tuesday Bathtub Time Machine 2Fer: 90s Music + Funny  I’m that good that I can do two things at the same time!

Wednesday Wordless Wednesday:  In Memory of the Tree  Poor, poor tree… At least we have good memories!

Thursday Beware She Who Writes With Flaming Laptop  Things are HOT at my house and I’m not talking about the weather.

Friday I’m Not Going to BlogHer (And I Feel Fine)  Ever not get to do something and wonder what the heck it would be like?  I let my imagination get a little out of control about this year’s BlogHer conference and the results were all kind of crazy.

I was surprised at how many people AREN’T going to BlogHer.  While I think it would be cool to go, I think I’m going to enjoy the alternative created by my friend Jenn.  Come over to Twitter next Friday night at 9 pm EST to attend Home Con 2013.  Use the hashtag #HomeCon13 and be sure to follow Jenn at @SmthingClvr and me at @sadderbutwiser!

blogherStuff I Really Liked This Week

The Truth Behind the SPF Myth  Robyn Welling Hollow Tree Ventures  Sunscreen myths, debunked in hilarious fashion.

Move Over Kitty: Chickens are the New Black  Suzanne Lucas Times Squared  One of the best things about cohosting a humor blog hop is that you get to find all kinds of new blogs to read.  This is both good and bad in that I wish I could get paid to read blogs!  This was my favorite this week.

101 Excuses For Not Going to BlogHer 2013 Terrye Toombs The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan  This was too funny!  Just in case you didn’t see why other people aren’t going to BlogHer…

Red Green or Pepto Bismol Melissa Vigil Motherhood is an Art And… I was a winner!  I entered my friend Melissa’s giveway celebrating her One Year Blogiversary.  Read about yummy food AND her daughter’s unique selection process

Mom Times Four And one more thing.  I meant to mention this last week-one of my favorite people is back!  If you like cute illustrations and short funny family stories, check out her blog.  Tell her I sent you!


Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

Kind of a slow week for interesting search terms. Come on, I can only make fun of people looking for nakedness and pants peeing so much… There were two or three this week but that’s about it!

bats eating chocolate  Because who doesn’t love chocolate?

poopy black Friday toilets Ummmmmm… I’m not cleaning them!

what does a girl mean when she says where’s waldo?  Is that kind of like “Where’s the Beef?”

I also got spam simply entitled “Buy Xanax” and another spam telling me I’m the worst writer ever. Interesting…  So I need to relax and stop writing?

somedayNext week

Monday:  Ever look at  the back of boxes and bottles of stuff that you buy?  Ever wonder 1) Who answers those toll free numbers and 2) What conversations might ensue when these numbers are called.

Tuesday:  90s Ear Worms and Eye Worms.  Pray that I don’t include hours of Beavis and Butthead laughing…  I’m not cohosting the Humor Me Blog Hop this week but I will be there with my colorful flags trying to draw attention, because I’m so cool like that!

Wednesday: I will be guesting over at my friend Roshni’s blog, Indian American Mom

Thursday: Theme Thursday is Infinite Wishes. I’m totally rubbing my hands together in anticipation of this one.  I can’t not write a post about that one!

Friday:  It’s a big day!   Fly on the Wall July 2013:  The Knee Licker Edition goes live at 10 am EST!  And of course, Home Con 2013 starts on Twitter at 9 pm EST.  Details above…

I hope you have a good weekend, a great week next week, and hopefully I won’t go crazy before Friday!

crazy kitteh