I’m Not Going to BlogHer (And I Feel Fine…)

Is this a BlogHer ticket?

Is this a BlogHer ticket?

So apparently every female who is anyone in the blogging world shells out money to go to the wonderful, exciting, once in a lifetime every year BlogHer convention. This year (or maybe every year, I really never cared until this year) it’s in Chicago.  While not a trip I could make quickly, it’s not all that far from my neck of the woods.  I even had one of the coolest people in the world offer me a place to stay (you know who you are, admit it if you want to.)

So you ask, Ms Sarah, what is the problem?  What’s wrong with you?

Are you MENTAL?

Are you MENTAL?

Well, it is only a mere $400 a ticket.

$400!!!!!!!!!! What the hell does that do?  Does it buy you a solid gold ticket?

If I had $400 just laying around, there are so many things that I could do with it.  Fixing my dishwasher, replacing my son’s broken beyond repair glasses, and perhaps even pay for a few good nights of sleep are just a few things that come to mind.

I figure that people that go to BlogHer are all going to get really amazing t-shirts that glow in the dark or connect to the internet or something cool like that.  I thought I should make my own t-shirt that says “93% of the bloggers I know went to BlogHer, and all I did was make this stupid t-shirt.”

I imagine there will probably be gift baskets for every blogger laden with such things as solid gold “BlogHer” underwear, Godiva chocolates, diamond infused sparkly moisturizers, and silver shake weights.  Desserts are probably served for meals, complete with your choice of wine, cocktail, or an IV filled with caffeine.  A massive muscled male masseuse with a name like Sven or Antonio will lurk behind every plush velvety seat, ready to massage those worries about how that underwear is giving a solid gold wedgie right into nonexistence.

And one of these, because everyone needs one of these...

And one of these, because everyone needs one of these…

I bet there will be hot tub sessions.  Everyone will sit in a hot tub while learning how to be a better, more inspiring blogger.  There will be laundry service so good that not only will the attendees laundry be clean, their laundry back home will be washed, dried, and put away by email.

And everyone will leave with perkier breasts, because well, why not?

But no one will actually know all of this, because like Vegas, what happens at BlogHer probably stays at BlogHer.  There most likely are those devices that erase your memories (think Men in Black) positioned at every exit at the end.  All attendees will only retain the knowledge that they have gained, returning home to wonder “Where the hell did I get this USB powered toaster?”

Are you going to BlogHer?  I expect a full report if they don’t erase your memory, one full page typed single spaced.  And those little shampoos and conditioners and lotions that they give you, I’ll take some of those too.  Are you NOT going to BlogHer?  What do you think you’re missing out on?  In honor of those of us NOT going to BlogHer, there is a special event being hosted on Twitter by Jenn Rose and myself on Friday JULY 26th from 9 to 11 pm EST.  The link to the event on Facebook is HERE.  Otherwise, be sure to follow Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 (@JennSmthngClvr) and me (@sadderbutwiser) on Twitter, and find us using #HomeCon13!

My friend Terrye from The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan has some thoughts about BlogHer too.  Don’t hesitate to go over to her blog to fill your brain full of more BlogHer craziness.  Good times… Read 101 Excuses for not going to Blogger 2013

DISCLAIMER:  I am pleased as punch that some people that I know and love actually get to attend this.  Some people I know are even some of the Voices of the Year winners!  That is so exciting. I hope they really enjoy their drunken relaxing dessert and toast filled weekend!  😉

No hard feelings.  My cat, however, will fart in your general direction.

No hard feelings. My cat, however, will fart in your general direction.


133 thoughts on “I’m Not Going to BlogHer (And I Feel Fine…)

  1. Wow, lady, you really knocked it out of the park with this one! And all I can say is, if I don’t return with a USB-powered toaster, I’m going to be pissed! And speaking of, I’m actually kind of pissed that I can’t attend your (and Jenn’s) fabulous #HomeCon event. Guess you can’t have it all. Thanks for the levity- my attendance at BlogHer is a much debated and likely impractical turn of events, and I hope I get my money’s worth!

  2. Love it. I’m not going, either. For a multitude of reasons, but mostly because I’d likely end up hiding in a toilet stall somewhere, chewing on my hair, and humming to myself like the weirdo I am. I’m not built for real-life interaction.

  3. I thought I commented on this the other day, but apparently I only read it. I’m losing it. Ya know I was just thinking about that exact scene of Charlie Bucket last night when I was writing my post about how I won that giveaway. I wanted to include something about the golden ticket, but everything I wrote sounded stupid. Anyway, I wish you were going to BlogHer bc I would LOVE to meet you. I might crash the #HomeCon13 party. Just sayin.

    • I think we’re all losing it! Don’t feel bad. I don’t live too far from you (further than a little drive but not too terribly far), maybe someday we can meet up for a glass (or a box) of wine!

  4. Pingback: Blogging: Work or Hobby? « littlemisswordy

  5. That is one gorgeous cat! Love that cat. Psst: I am going. But I swear I won’t let them erase my memory and I’ll share all I learn. I hope you’re right about the hot tubs and the perkier boobs … and Sven. Please, please, please be right about Sven! 😉 I tweet you!

  6. Ha ha! I Totally, want to go! But like you I could spend $400 bucks on something else. If I spent $400 bucks to go to a blogging convention my husband would kill me. But I really really would love a USB toaster! 😉 Or a USB coffee warmer! There ya go, heck I’d just go for a T-shirt that says I’m one of the cool girls. Oh well, maybe if it ever hits Phoenix or Vegas again I’ll go.

    Loved your post!

  7. Pingback: I Didn’t Go To BlogHer and Get Free Lubricant, But I Did Go To Jail | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

  8. Dammit. I totally missed out on the perkier breasts swag!! I love that you and Jenn did your own non-BlogHer-bound Twitter event! I would have totally gone to that…you know, if I weren’t all drunk in a hot tub making toast and getting my toes massaged. (Sign me up for THAT conference next year!) Also, great post! AND wait, there’s more: sign up for the early bird BlogHer ticket this year. It was only $204. They also have “BlogHerships” (i.e. scholarships) where you can volunteer to work at the conference a few hours a day and they’ll pay your way or discount your ticket. So I hear.

  9. Pingback: If It Wasn’t For Her I’d Be That Chick With That Blog | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

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