Call Toll Free, Operators Are Standing By

Those who know me know very well that I’m a big fan of When Crazy Meets ExhaustionShe’s one of my blogging idols.  I’m especially fond of her Oversharing series, because we all know how little that I overshare…  The most recently documented embarrassing situation here was by another one of my favorite bloggers, Dani Ryan from Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine.  Without giving too much away, there was a phone call made to the toll free number on the the back of the tampon box.

firecracker tamponThat got the idea diarrhea going full force.  First I wondered this:  How does one get a job as a “tampon support person”? Obviously there is a need for such a position!  But just the thought…  How do they do that?  Is there an ad in the paper?  Do they just outright advertise for the position, or is it one of those “secret” jobs that they don’t actually indicate what it’s for?

Help Wanted:  Tampax Customer Service
Description:  We are looking for an person with knowledge and enthusiasm about menses!  Do you love tampons?  Do you approach periods with perkiness? Do you like vaginas?  Then you need to apply with us!  Come work in our period friendly environment.  One of our perks is that our operators work only seven days a month!
Minimum qualifications:  Must know what a tampon is and where it goes.
Preferred qualifications:  Bachelor’s degree.  Working knowledge of the vagina a plus.  Experience in search and retrieval helpful.

Then I wondered about the possible hierarchy of the organization.  Was tampon support something that people work up to?  Do they start out in pantiliners?  If you are in the Overnight Maxipad department have you hit the padded ceiling (which would be like a glass ceiling, but a little different)?

After all of these thoughts were done invading my mind, I started looking at the backs of all the products that we have.  Sure enough, almost every one of them has some sort of toll free number that you can call.  The thought of this rendered me incapable of doing pretty much anything the rest of the night, mainly because the conversations that could be happening on some of these hotlines.  Oh.My.Gawd.

Toothpaste Support

You can call the number on the back of your toothpaste.  I’m actually surprised that my kids haven’t done this, because toothpaste seems to be somewhat of a challenging thing in my house.  It’s all related to the squeezing.  Even if they can get it out, there’s a permanent giant toothpaste glob stuck on the end that all of the other toothpaste that has yet to come out either has to go around or through.  Beautiful toothpaste art.  It makes me think that maybe there is an online tutorial for squeezing your toothpaste.

Worst-JobToilet Paper Hotline

On the same token as the tampons, there is also a toll free number that you can dial if you’re having trouble with your toilet paper.  I imagine not only is this a shitty job, I doubt that many people call with positive things to say.  Really, who is going to call and say “I wanted someone to know that this is the best my butt has felt in YEARS!”

It’s probably more like people calling to say things like “DAMN your toilet paper sucks!  I used sand paper yesterday and I couldn’t tell the difference..”

Or “I don’t understand this whole wiping thing.  Is there some kind of step by step process you can walk me through?”

Beer Assistance

On the back of Budweiser products there is 1-800-DIAL-BUD.  This I find extremely funny, and I’m not surprised that I know this because I’ve spent a reasonable amount of time reading the backs of alcohol bottles, especially the warnings, aloud to other people because I’m weird like that.  Somehow I think that people that choose to utilize this would not do it in the manner for which it was intended.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuude.  I can’t open my beer!  Help!”

“I dunno what to do, man.  My friend is passed out behind the toilet.  Yeah, BEHIND it!”

(True story. I wasn’t there, but according to my husband this is totally true.)

And for the record, there is no helpline on the back of underwear.  So if you can’t get your underwear on, you’re just screwed.  No help for you!

Just so you understand my case here, these are not necessarily original thoughts.  While all thoughts used in this article are my own, Ellen Degeneres did her own take on this stuff.  Because I love her and someday hope that she and I’ll get to hang out, I’m going to share it here:

Have you ever called a product support line? Is there something that you saw the number on the back of and it the possible scenarios made your life more interesting?  Please share with me-I’d love to hear it!

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75 thoughts on “Call Toll Free, Operators Are Standing By

  1. I wanna work for the toilet paper hotline! It would be my job to make sure that the male species learns how to wipe right and not leave skid marks in their underwear. This was hilarious, Sarah!

  2. You’re entirely too kind for the shout-out. I think you’re pretty groovy yourself. Especially for coming up with something for each of this HAR-larious hotlines!! “Umm, hi. I do believe I have wiped back to front and I’m wondering if you can walk me through the steps to rectify this.”

    Bahahahahhaha! Loved this!

  3. OMG, I’m DYING!!!! This is HILARIOUS!!!!!

    Thank you SO much for the shout out. It was totally unnecessary, but I’m glad my post got you laughing. 🙂

    “If you are in the Overnight Maxipad department have you hit the padded ceiling.” <<– BAHAHAHAHAHA!

  4. I think you’ve figured it out, maybe we should do a toothpaste art linky! Now for your next post, you need to call all of those numbers and see what they do!

  5. Sarah, ya done good. LOL!
    1-800-Plunger for those that plugged up their toilets and need help figuring out how to unplug it.
    1-888-Unplugs for laxative help; especially the suppository ones.
    1-800-MyMeats a helpline for those addicted to lunch meat.
    1-800-Gargled for questions about mouthwash.
    1-800-UpLiftd help for those that are bra-challenged.

    ok, I’ll stop. 😀

  6. OMG…didn’t even have to watch the video…I know exactly what Ellen says…so flipping funny. There is an ecard that I love…”Let’s remove all the warning labels on products and let the stupid people die.” or something like that…I know it’s bad…but too funny.

  7. It’s a shame that there is no help line for underwear. Thongs in particular really need instructions – they look the same from every angle and I end up thinking my legs have gotten thinner before I realize I put one in the hole for my waist.

  8. Hahaha! Too funny. Now I just have to call some of these hotlines and mess with the people who answer them. Toilet paper hotline will be a crappy experience! Har-Har!

  9. Damn funny piece! I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be a ball point pen tester. Would that include jamming it through telephone books to see if it would shatter in the hands of a six year old with a hammer, or would it simply be sitting in a room writing, “I’ve got an extremely boring job” 46,002 times with a retired English teacher watching. Loved it!

  10. Funny!! I actually called M&M’s for defective packaging (a zipper close that broke off of a big bag), and they were so wonderful, sending coupons for M&M’s. My dad is retired, and he’s a fan of calling customer service when he is not happy with the product – not for any of the lines you mentioned above, but maybe he’ll get to these someday!

  11. This is hilarious Sarah! I once called the number on the back of sweetened condensed milk because there was a hard pink thing in the middle that looked like a severed finger. When I asked the lady on the other line if sweetened condensed milk clumps up and turns pink or if it is possible there is a severed finger in the can she said, “I don’t know but I can send you a coupon for a free can!” I really don’t think you need a bachelor’s degree to work at a hotline!

  12. I’ve always assumed those phone numbers on the simple products were fake, maybe leading to a phone in an empty cubicle in the farthest corner at Proctor and Gamble. Or, they all lead to the same call center where the operator answering Butterball questions also handles Charmin catastrophes. Enjoyed!

  13. First of all OMG you got 55 comments! I don’t think I have that on ALL of my posts combined, kudos to you, my friend!

    Secondly – Brilliant!!! I laughed out loud reading these scenarios and contemplating other possible toilet paper/tampon/beer emergencies. And your line of though, does one work UP to tampon support? Hilarious!

    I feel like I may have placed a call for product support, but can’t for the life of me remember! I know it wasn’t t/p or tampons. Pretty sure I’d remember that.

    • I have a lot of GREAT readers who make AWESOME comments, Katia! I’m very lucky! A friend pointed out to me this evening that I had 124 comments on my BlogHer post. I had to go check, because I didn’t believe her!

      I’m so glad you liked this post-I had a ball writing it!

  14. So glad I happened upon your site. What a riot! What other ridiculous things can there be 800 #’s for?

    Paper towels: “Oh, use only one at a time?”

    Condoms: “It goes where?”

    Deodorant: “But I’m right handed. Oh, hold in other hand.”

    Soap: “But if I wet it, it slips out of my hands!”

    Then again, are there theme songs at these places to keep the employees in good cheer?

    Band-aids: “I’m stuck on you.”

    Light bulbs: “You light up my life.”

    Metal cleaner: “Shine. Shine Shine. Reflections of you … so divine”

    Thank you for a delightful cheer-me-up.

  15. So glad I happened upon your site. What a riot! What other ridiculous things can there be 800 #’s for?

    Paper towels: “Oh, use only one at a time?”

    Condoms: “It goes where?”

    Deodorant: “But I’m right handed. Oh, hold in other hand.”

    Soap: “But if I wet it, it slips out of my hands!”

    Then again, are there theme songs at these places to keep the employees in good cheer?

    Band-aids: “I’m stuck on you.”

    Light bulbs: “You light up my life.”

    Metal cleaner: “Shine. Shine Shine. Reflections of you … so divine”

    Thank you for a delightful cheer-me-up.

      • I was ecstatic to tell you, as your post was a delight! (However I do think once would have sufficed. *smiles*)

        That fact is, it was one of those “Okay, why is this still on the screen? No I don’t see the comment on her site. Must not have hit the right button.” Scenarios. Of course, once I hit the button the second time, I saw the first posting. *sigh*

        Thank you for the duplicate answer. Made me feel a bit better about being technologically-challenged.

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