Traveling at the Speed of Gossip

So71c78c054269449f0876050673549af0 my life is so interesting these days that apparently people come out of the woodwork when I do things.  Or rather, when I do things wrong.

*sarcasm*  My life is FAR from interesting.

Who hasn’t had something happen that they’ve just had to vent about?  It has nothing to with anyone else, just a crappy thing that happens.  And something crappy did happen.

So me, being human, posted about said crappy thing on Facebook.

You see, I can’t actually go into detail about the crappy thing, because later on I got called out for it.  I don’t want anymore hurt feelings or people thinking that I’m attacking their good name or anything like that.  BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!

I was simply venting about something that happened.  And later on told the tale of how it was resolved.  And my life went on.

But apparently other people’s lives stopped in their tracks.  They had to be sure to tell my tale of woe.  I wouldn’t be surprised if someone had written a sonnet about it.  Something happened, because a couple of weeks later I was told that if I posted negative things about my place of employment that I needed to follow it up with something positive.

I made sure I told this person I did indeed tell how the situation was resolved.  She said she didn’t see that part, and the damage was already done.


Naturally I had to go back and read my post… and then I deleted it.  I felt bad.  This had nothing to do with anything or anyone else, just a crappy day.

And then I started to overthink, because that’s what I’m very good at.  If people are watching my page, waiting for me to post the wrong thing so they can run and tell the person that they think I’m talking about the things that I’m actually not talking about, then maybe I need to not post anything remotely work oriented on my page at all.

So I simply announced that I wouldn’t be sharing work related items on my personal page anymore, and politely directed people to my organization’s work page where they can see all of the wonderful things going on.

By the way, I’m reiterating here that this is on MY PERSONAL PAGE.  My place of work has their own page.

Remember that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon and Amy conduct an experiment to see how fast gossip spreads?  This literally took minutes to reach my place of work.  Apparently I pissed some people off?  One person called my boss to tell her the shocking thing I had posted.  Another person took a screen shot of my post and sent it to her.  She confronted me and asked what was wrong…

I tried to explain the situation to her, who by the way is not on Facebook.  And that I am still maintaining the business page, I’m just NOT SHARING WORK STUFF ON MY OWN PERSONAL PAGE!!!

It didn’t matter.  I had to take it down.  So I did.  Done, right?

The next day I issued an apology for my actions.  I explained that I had simply had a bad day and didn’t mean to offend anyone with the original post.  I did this because it was the right thing to do.  I left it up for a day, then took it down.

And people were still pissed.  I had to just move on, because life is too short to worry about this shit.  I have other things to worry about, like my son learning to walk again and an upcoming MRI to see if he has more spinal tumors.

I’m still not sharing anything work related on my page.  As a matter of fact, I took down every darn tootin thing that even referenced where I work.  Because I can, because it’s my personal page and I can post anything I want!

So what is it about social media these days?  Why is it ok to post some things and not others?  It’s nitpicky stuff like this that makes me wonder why I’m even on social media.  Yes I have to maintain the page for work, but the thought of deleting my Facebook account at times makes me feel awesome.

I’m a social wreck.  I can pass as a normal person as long as I don’t open my mouth. So maybe that’s the ticket-I shouldn’t say anything?

Here’s the thing-I quit blogging because of stuff like this.  Either someone was constantly telling me how to phrase things differently, or didn’t get my weird humor, or something like that.  My husband poked a lot of fun at me.  And I was falling into a deep depression.

I started seeing a therapist recently.  I needed it-between the cancer stuff and the work stuff and my son’s rehab and doctor’s appointments I was going bonkers.  And as we’ve been working through things it came back to writing.  She thinks I need to start writing again.  Just anything, anonymous if I’d like.

So tonight I did.  And it felt pretty damn good.

When you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone it’s hard to escape from the gossip.  But gosh darn it I’m going to try to my best!

Do you work in a small town?  Do you have to deal with the fall out over people overreacting to something you might have posted online? This is just the tip of the iceberg for me these days, but I’m dying to hear who else deals with this bullcrap too!

So if you’re easily offended and read this post and think that I may have written it about you, trust me, I didn’t.  It’s not you, it’s me.  The end.Move-on-funny-quote

October Fly on the Wall: The Too Many Pictures Edition

Fly on the WallSo you think you wanna be a fly on my wall?  You want to know what goes on in my house?  Read on… then be sure to click on some of the blogs at the bottom of the post.  They need love too!  That’s because we all compiled these nice little snippets of our lives into posts and are sharing them simultaneously to give you the ultimate fly experience. It will be like traveling all over the world except different.  And less expensive.  Certainly less expensive.

So one or two of you might recall my epic screw-up last month when I discovered that it was Fly on the Wall week too close to fake it.  Damn it.  Normally I’d stay up all night and finish it but that wasn’t happening this time.

And so thrilled about getting his picture taken.

As you can see my husband so thrilled about getting his picture taken.

You see, the Friday of last Fly on the Wall my husband and I were about to embark upon the celebration of our 15th wedding anniversary.  We got to stay overnight without children and got to eat really good food.  It was a good night!  So I apologize for the lack of fun (for you) as I got to have all the fun to myself (for me).

I also discovered a possible career that night.  Think Blogger Vs Fried Ice Cream?

I have decided to make it my life's work to travel to different Mexican restaurants around the world, trying to see which one has the best fried ice cream.  This one was pretty good.

I have decided to make it my life’s work to travel to different Mexican restaurants around the world, trying to see which one has the best fried ice cream. This one was pretty good.

We’ve also had a lot of other things going on this last couple of months…

New school year, new teachers…

Both kids are obviously back in school.

What a great idea, and extra ammunition for this little ham. Naturally the Professor demanded to know where his picture was. Sigh…

They are doing pretty well thus far.


Yep. She can read.

We’ve also had sports, as in the Professor started flag football and Evil Genius was his coach… Because I’m terrified of being sued for using the only good picture of The Professor in football which happened to be the one taken by the professional, here is a picture of The Princess at the football game instead…

The Princess at The Professor's football game: Wow it's chilly out here." Reaches into her bag. "It's a good thing I brought slippers to keep my hands warm!" Weirdo

The Princess at The Professor’s football game: Wow it’s chilly out here.” Reaches into her bag. “It’s a good thing I brought slippers to keep my hands warm!” Weirdo

The Princess started Girl Scouts this month. You know what that means, right?  Her father is actually quite addicted to Thin Mints.  Think I’m kidding?  I’m not.  It’s going to be like having a live in crack dealer come Spring.

Thank goodness she doesn’t sell this stuff… this would get me in trouble.

I got addicted to something new.

I got addicted to something new.  Mmmmmm.

The Princess spends a lot of time arguing with Daddy these days:

The Princess: “When I grow up, I’m going to be a princess!”
Evil Genius (jokingly):  “You’ll never be a princess. And if you are, I’ll burn your kingdom to the ground.”
The Princess (Not joking): “You’ll be dead by then!”

We a little tailgating recently:

Betcha can't tell what team we're rooting for.

Betcha can’t tell what team we’re rooting for.

I’ve spent a lot of time up late planning things.  Then I start thinking (I really need to stop doing that):

What I think of at 11:30 at night-How do stormtroopers go to the bathroom? I would think that wouldn’t be a good career choice for yours truly seeing as being able to pee quickly is very important to me.

Speaking of stormtroopers…

My children for Star Wars Reads Day.  1)  Princess Leia's braids are a family traditon-every photo of her mother at that age has braids just like hers, half in and half out! 2)  Yoda refused to let me finish the ears because he wanted to wear them so badly...

My children at Star Wars Reads Day.  Important things to note- 1) Princess Leia’s braids are a family tradition-every photo of her mother at that age has braids just like hers, half in and half out! 2) Yoda refused to let me finish the ears because he wanted to wear them so badly…

There’s been LOTS of work stuff, which is why I’m insane and have mashed potato brains:

I find it fascinating how much the Professor recalls for someone who barely seems to be paying attention most of the time!  Every program we have at the library he is quite the font of wisdom.  For example, he knew all about jousting when many other kids had no clue.  Guess I’m doing something right?

I'd like to say he was being knighted, but this gentleman was trying to prove a point of how armor protects your head!

I’d like to say he was being knighted, but this gentleman was trying to prove a point of how armor protects your head using The Professor as an example!

And we’ve generally been having fun…

When it's "Girls Night", that means that you watch girl movies, and you get to hold the baby unicorn and mommy gets to hold the mommy unicorn.  True story.

When it’s “Girls Night”, that means that you watch girl movies, and you get to hold the baby unicorn and mommy gets to hold the mommy unicorn. True story.

Well more often than not.  This was my Facebook status earlier this month:
Windows 8 should come with chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. *sob*
There’s also that whole writing thing, which reminds me…  I’m in a book.  Me and a bunch of other lovely bloggers.  Really!  I wouldn’t lie to you about this…

Believe it or not, someone let me be in a book. They’ll learn… Go to Amazon to find out all the juicy details of how to get your mitts on this book!

Now don’t run away just yet.  Click on these blogs for more shenanigans…                          Baking In A Tornado                                  The Rowdy Baker                                Just A Little Nutty                                          The Momisodes                          Spatulas on Parade                          Follow me home                 Stacy Sews and Schools                          Menopausal Mother                             Battered Hope                         Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                 Someone Else’s Genius               Crumpets and Bollocks

Fly on the Wall September 2014: The Stupidity Edition

Fly on the WallTwo weeks ago I got an email reminding me about the Fly on the Wall just like I get every month.

I sent a reply to Karen letting her know that I had received the email and knew that it was coming up.

I had a busy week.  An insanely busy week.  Like an I wasn’t even here type of week.

And then I thought it was next Friday, not this Friday.  Why?  I know how to check a calendar.  I know how to read.  But my brain failed me.

Stupid brain.

Normally I would stay up and write and write and write until it was done, even if it meant staying up all night.  But this weekend my mother is coming to watch our children so that my husband and I can go out and celebrate 15 years of marriage.  I need my sleep, even though at this point it will not be much sleep.

So instead of subjecting you to a poorly written last minute post, I will direct you to visit these wonderful bloggers so that you can see what it’s like to be a fly on the wall in their houses. PLEASE go check them out and let them know just how wonderful they are.  🙂                           Baking In A Tornado                                The Rowdy Baker                                Just A Little Nutty                                         The Momisodes                       Spatulas on Parade                          Follow me home . . .                  Stacy Sews and Schools                             Menopausal Mother                                        Go Momma O                                     Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                           Juicebox Confession                         Someone Else’s Genius                               Battered Hope

Beneath the Clearance Rack: A Tale of Unresolved Writer’s Block

Use Your WordsDid you know that every month you can be a part of something truly unique?  Karen of Baking in a Tornado regularly allows me to participate in the various writing challenges that she hosts and doesn’t tell me to hit the road.  At least she hasn’t yet.  If she’ll let me do it, by golly she’ll let anyone in. 

Use Your Words is one such challenge where participating bloggers provide four to six words or phrases.  These are then assigned to another blogger who can then tear his or her hair out trying to figure out how to use them in a coherent post.  These posts are simultaneously published at the same time so that you, the reader, can take in their amazingness like smelling apple pie right out of the oven.  I’m also tired and haven’t slept so I am using analogies very poorly.

That’s right.  It ain’t easy.  But yet I keep coming back every month…

This month my words were big ~ fast ~ ink ~ teddy bear ~Rumpelstiltskin ~ fart.  Oh that’s right.  One of my words was fart.  And I used it correctly in a sentence.

They were submitted by:


Can’t.Write.Anything.  Nope.  Not a thing.

Once upon a time in a land not so far away there was a problem.  Not just a big problem, but a huge, gigantic enormous problem.

No matter how fast she scribbled, no matter how fast she typed,  the writer could not get the words to come out right.

She tried different kinds of ink, she tried different kinds of paper.  She even tried drinking different kinds of alcohol. No matter what she did her writing was all in vain.

She spent her nights sobbing, clutching her teddy bear, and drinking copious amounts of caffeine, hoping and praying that the words would somehow return.

“Why, why me?  Why must I be a victim of this horrible brain constipation?  Could I at least be lucky enough to have one giant word fart to relieve myself?”

All at once there was a deafening noise and a little man appeared on her keyboard.

“Who are you, Rumplestiltskin?”

Apparently this angered the little man so much he punched her in the nose and disappeared.

Later on that same evening after a binge of pretzels and various caffeinated beverages another person appeared to her.  This time she decided to keep her mouth shut, which was fine because it was actually full of pretzels.

“Follow the light.  You know the one. The red and white light in a perfect circle.  This holds the key to all that you know or think you know.”

(And she may or may not have been watching Willow earlier that evening.)

So she got in her car and went to Target.

So yeah.  Target holds all of life's secrets.

So yeah. Target holds all of life’s secrets.

The writer may not have found the words she was looking for.  But she did find underwear for $1.74, chocolate for 30% off, and a package of brightly colored lined paper which she never did use.  But that’s ok, because it was on clearance.

The moral of the story is that you may not be able to find the words you’re looking for, but you can certainly find something that you’re not looking for.  Just go to Target.  You’ll see.

This post has been brought to you by a severe case of writer’s block brought on by severe insomnia, too many pretzels, and perhaps one too many trips to Target in one week.  But you can also read posts by people who can actually produce coherent sentences when they try to write a blog post by clicking on one of the links below.

Seriously.  You just gonna sit there or are you going to click on one or two or all of those links?  Sheesh.  And I thought I procrastinated…                              Baking In A Tornado                          Spatulas on Parade                     Stacy Sews and Schools                                   Sparkly Poetic Weirdo                       Evil Joy Speaks                            Someone Else’s Genius        Confessions of a part-time working mom                            Follow me home . . .               The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                                Battered Hope   

Use Your Words: Color Me BAD!

Use Your WordsDo you remember when you were little and your mother told you to stop throwing that tantrum and USE YOUR WORDS?

This is nothing like that.

Welcome to the August edition of the Use Your Words blogging challenge, hosted by the lovely and ever so wordy queen of the baking universe Karen of Baking in a Tornado.  Today’s participants have carefully chosen 4-6 words that are then assigned to another blogger to weave into one entertaining post!  Check out the links below this post to see how other bloggers are using their words!

My words were:  Humidity ~ Frizz ~ smurf ~ Walk Like an Egyptian

They were submitted by the delightful and not really so villainous Joy of Evil Joy Speaks!

This year in an attempt to be physically fit I made a decision that I was going to run a 5K.  After all, my husband was training for a half marathon, and it only made sense that I would subject myself to bodily torture by signing up for something that I might actually have to do some running in.

After months of making excuses, I finally gave in and signed up for one.  Not just any 5K, The Color Run, otherwise known as the Happiest 5K on the Planet.  Not only did I sign up, I created a team.  And people even signed up to be on this team.

And then my husband said I needed to run it.  In July.  When it’s hot.  The good feeling?  Definitely gone, replaced by panic and fear.

Keep in mind that I don’t run, I walk.  And though I understand that many people that sign up to do these things actually do walk the whole thing, it really made sense that maybe I should push myself a little.  No I wasn’t going to Walk Like An Egyptian, I was going to try to run the damn thing.

This Spring I prepared by doing the 5K right here in town.  I literally had to open the door and walk a couple of blocks to be there.  I also had to take my children with me.  It turned out ok, don’t get me wrong, but I think it would have been better to have done it alone.  Kids think you are tormenting them when you make them do any physical activity, let alone walk 3.1 miles.  I chronicled the event here if you care to take a gander.

Time flew and before I knew it the weekend of the Color Run was upon us.  I had been home all summer with my kids, and let’s face it, physical fitness and training and all that stuff was not really happening. Because that would be active, and being active is silly.

And my team? Most of them chickened out.  They had excuses, but they still chickened out.  Luckily, my husband rose to the occasion and filled in.  After all, he ran a half marathon, this would be like the buzzing of flies to him, right?

Let me explain a little more about this race.  When you run the Color Run, you start out wearing all white, like below.


BEFORE… see? White.

Then you walk or run and they throw colored powder at you at several places along he way.  That’s right, they THROW STUFF AT YOU!

What was I thinking?

But you know what?  I ran about half of it.  That’s a huge accomplishment for me.  Considering I didn’t really get to train, that’s pretty darn good.  And I didn’t die.

Luckily, we got done before it got too hot and the humidity caused my hair to frizz too badly.  I was pretty colorful when we got done, luckily I didn’t end up looking like a smurf like so many pictures I’ve seen from this race!

This is okay because purple is my favorite color.

… And after. This is okay because purple is my favorite color.  I even had color in my teeth!

I had color in my hair, in my teeth, in my snot, and in places all over my body that I am not even going to begin to mention.  But it was fun. And you know what?  I’m definitely going to do it again next year!

Next 5K is the Glow Run in October.  That will be fun.  And maybe, just maybe, I might get to train for this one with the kids back in school!

What words are my peeps using today on their blogs?  Check it out by clicking on the links below!!!!!                                       Baking In A Tornado                          Spatulas on Parade                                      The Momisodes               Confessions of a part-time working mom                             Juicebox Confession                 Evil Joy Speaks                   Follow me home . . .                       Someone Else’s Genius                       Crumpets and Bollocks              The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

Cheesecake Murdered My Oven and Other Ridiculous Theories

It was Captain Cheesecake in the kitchen that did it.

It was Captain Cheesecake in the kitchen with the raspberry goodness that did it.

Perhaps you too felt the disturbance in the force on Monday, June 23rd, 2014.  When a thousand voices cried out and were suddenly silenced.  What were those voices saying?



Cheesecake killed my oven.

That’s right, you read correctly.  My oven was put to an untimely demise by evil food.

It started with sweet potato fries that wouldn’t cook.  An oven that took way too long to heat.  When I gave up and said screw it because I couldn’t wait any longer.  We ate sweet potato fries that were not quite done.  Disgusting?  A little bit.

(On a side note, I give up pretty easily on most activities in the kitchen, especially if it involves washing dishes, so that’s no surprise there.)

Then there were other signs that I continued to ignore following the chewy and slightly squashy sweet potato fries.  Finally, upon smelling a weird but not quite traditional “gas that might kill us all” smell during cooking our Sunday dinner, I decided to call the utility company Monday morning to check it out ‘just in case”, and took off for work.

By the time I came back home for lunch, I was greeted with this attached to my stove:

That's bad.  Very very bad.

That’s bad. Very very bad.

Apparently my oven is so dangerous it must be put to death.  The guy from the power company talked to me at length about how I shouldn’t try to cook anything because I could blow up.  He seemed really, really concerned about me blowing myself up.  He kept reiterating it, because it must have seemed like I enjoyed living dangerously, suggesting that we might want to turn off our gas as a precaution.

Ha!  My utility company really doesn’t know me all that well.  I’m kind of sad about that.

The one saving grace was that we are at least permitted to use the stovetop.  That’s good news, considering I just wrote about boxed macaroni and cheese for a friend  (Note:  Click on that link with caution… the inmates there are a little rowdy and might not be for the faint of heart, lol.)

I thought about that fact that my house has it out for appliances.  Most that enter it don’t last too long.  But the oven?  While not beautiful or fancy it certainly lasted a long time.  Ten years.  It was the only appliance that made the ten mile journey from trailer to house.  The trip that included casualties such as a computer desk flying out of the back of the truck and shattering all over the county road and a vacuum cleaner that decided it no longer wanted to suck.

This oven, it was a survivor.  And after a whole ten minutes of thinking about it, I got to thinking that all those cheesecakes that Evil Genius has been making surely contributed to its demise.

You delicious evil cheesecakes you.  YOU did this.

But moving on, one can survive without an oven, right?  Is it so bad not having the option of chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, or enchiladas whenever we want?  It’s nothing the world’s smallest toaster oven can’t handle, correct?

Or cheesecake…

Ironically enough, the same week as the oven’s death was proclaimed loudly from the rooftops Evil Genius’s workplace decided to have a cook-off.  Employees were instructed to bring what they made best.

Coincidence?  Perhaps.  Conspiracy to make sure that the Cheesecake King didn’t get to continue his reign?  Well you just never know.

Not to be defeated, Evil Genius decided to pull out the long banned recipe.  The thing that is forbidden in our household that is rarely spoken of: The Evil Peanut Butter Bars.  He carefully crafted these spectacles of sin while I sat in the living room, crying over a laptop that wouldn’t start.  Lost photos, work lesson plans, and an 800 page work of fiction that I had been working on since early this year.

I blame the cheesecake.

On Saturday we will attempt to go pick out a new oven that we both agree upon and hopefully won’t have the word Chefmate or Hotpoint anywhere in the name.  And additionally I will hope to find that a new power cord will revive my poor little laptop, or you might be hearing another voice crying out in agony.  That would be me, being strangled by my husband…

Just in case you wanted your pants not to fit, here's the recipe that will make that happen.  No baking required.

Just in case you wanted your pants not to fit, here’s the recipe that will make that happen. No baking required.

Touring the World One Word At A Time

If I only could write something...

If I only could write something…

Struggling to write something amusing is tough when you’ve got the blues, yo.

I’ve been dealing with a major depressive episode for months.  It’s not going away, it’s not getting better, and there are some days when I pretty much hate myself.  And blah blah blah.

But enough about me.  I got a chance to tour the world, and I think it’s pretty cool.

Marcia from Menopausal Mother tagged me in this fun little blogging game.  So maybe I DO have to tell a little more about me.  I had to answer these four simple questions and then choose three bloggers I love who will hopefully jump in and also answer the four questions and tag three bloggers they love and things of that nature.

If you’re a blogger, you know that there is no such thing as four simple questions…

1.  What am I working on?

Trying to find material that is interesting, relevant, and does not simply contain the words fart, butt, pee, poop… you see where this is going.  I live with two elementary schoolers who think that stuff is to die for.  Kids, they’re funny creatures, except when they’re not.

Currently I am working on getting to bed before 2 am most nights.  So far I am not successful.  I also might get published in something sometime soon… stay tuned for that.

2.  How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I am a mom who blogs, but I don’t feel that I really fall under the mommy blogger category.  I have a child who has some special needs (ADD, sensory issues, other stuff that may never be diagnosed), but I don’t really belong in that category either.  I do believe that we geek moms who like NASCAR are a rather unique social subgroup, don’t you?

The Sadder But Wiser Girl as Tie-Dye Girl!  Saving the world from dullness, one color at a time.

Yeah I’m unique all right…

In other words, I don’t really belong anywhere, right?  Who’s with me?  Bloggers With No Niche, UNITE!

(I really like acronyms.  That’s totally a thing.)

3.  Why do I write what I do?

I originally started blogging as a way to write down my thoughts.  The thoughts weren’t so nice at first.  But as time went on I started writing with my own warped sense of humor.  And my humor is definitely not one size fits all, as I rediscover daily whenever I share something on Facebook.

Like this picture.  I was rolling, dying when I saw this.  I shared it on Facebook. Crickets. Do you get it?????

Like this picture. I was rolling, dying when I saw this. I shared it on Facebook. Crickets. Do you get it????? Source unknown

So when I actually do write, I do it because something motivated me to write, or because someone made me do it.  You know who you are.  😉  I really do hope to get to a point where I will be able to write regularly again.  Because no brains.

4.  How does your writing process work?

I get an idea.  I find my phone.  I put that idea on the notes on my phone.  I forget I have an app for that.  Then I remember I have an app for that, and I stare at something I wrote and cannot fathom for the life of me what that was.

So my process isn’t exactly yielding a lot of product right now.  Maybe someday…

sweet baboo

Who do I love?

Three bloggers that I love… This part was so hard because there are so many blogs that I love.  I wanted to choose three from that long list that are not as well known writers that I think deserve some extra attention from all of the famous people that I’m sure are going to come read this.

All The Everydays (the blog formerly known as Mama Schmama).  Jean and I share a similar sense of humor, not to mention that she is one of the nicest people on the planet.  I do really think that we are long lost sisters.  She claims that she is a stay-at-home mom and a former teacher in the about section of her blog,but I can tell you that as a mom you are also a teacher all day long every day.  She’s not fooling anyone!  🙂  Please go over and check her out!

Sarah’s Brand New Chapter The one and only Miss Sarah Balding is a fellow Sarah, librarian, and geek.  She is definitely on the list of bloggers I want to meet someday!  I love her writing and feel that if we lived closer to each other, we’d hang out regularly.  Maybe even at the library.  Stop over, say hi, and read some of her awesomeness!

The Regular Guy NYC I don’t live anywhere near NYC, but I can live vicariously through Phil.  He visits some great places to eat, and he always posts stuff that makes me giggle.  If you live in the area, or even if you don’t, he deserves a peek or two!

So that’s all she wrote.  Really, that’s all I wrote!


Fly on the Wall June 2014: The Pants Party Edition

Fly on the Wall

Some flies have all the fun… welcome to the June edition of Fly on the Wall, where you can spend time spying on us and hearing all those little conversations we’re having in our house that sometimes are even amusing. 

Each month I partake in this special group event.  All of the participants write their posts and they all go live at the same time!  It’s like a marathon of your favorite TV show just much, much better!

For those of you who know how prolific a writer I used to be, thanks to a busy schedule and a major depressive episode that has now dragged on for far too long I have not been able to write much of anything.  This is the one thing that I have been able to stay active in as a blogger, and I just wanted to give a shout out to Karen of Baking in a Tornado for being understanding and not telling me to go away.  Will I ever get back to writing on a regular basis?  Will I ever feel funny again?  That remains to be seen…

Now, read the nonsense and foolishness that goes on in my house and then be sure to see what goes on in my friend’s houses by clicking on the links at the bottom of the post!


We have entered the dreaded stage of childhood in my house where everything inappropriate is funny.  It does not matter, if it contains the word underwear or toilet in it, it is HILARIOUS to my children.  I’m talking rolling on the floor laughing because a song had underwear in it.  So the cuteness doesn’t exactly abound in my house because my children are too busy trying to make each other laugh by saying inappropriate words:  poop, butt, fart, you name it.

As a humor writer whose most famous posts involve peeing my own pants and being a poop detective, yeahhhh… not so funny.

I am easily amused by brand names.  I truly think this is one of the best names ever.  Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants...

I am easily amused by brand names. I truly think this is one of the best names ever. Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants…

Evil Genius: “FINALLY! I got turned into a vampire. Now all I have to do is make my imaginary friend real and turn him into a werewolf so I can marry him and get on with what I’ve been trying to do.”
He’s been playing the Sims.  What did you think he was talking about?

From the living room I can hear what sounds like screams of torture from the backyard.  I go outside to see both kids sitting on the swings, screaming at the top of their lungs.
“HEY!  Knock that off!”  I yell.
“But mom, we’re doing burps!”
I might want to rethink what kind of food I’m serving my family…

Evil Genius:  “Leave some milk for morning. I eat my Fruity Pebbles like a MAN! With milk!”

I told the kids for every minute that they played outside this afternoon, they could play Minecraft. It was tough, but they stuck it out and played for a whole HOUR in the great outdoors.  Guess what?  They didn’t die!

This is part of what I do for my paid job.  These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval.  All in the name of science, right?

This is part of what I do for my paid job. These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval. All in the name of science, right?

Evil Genius:  “I hope we have enough sugar.”
Me:  “I just bought you a new thing of sugar, it’s sitting on the counter!”
Evil Genius:  “Yeah, but it’s only five pounds, and I’m making a cheesecake.”

Memorial Day weekend:  There was racing on all day and we were making fried food.  According to The Professor it was the best day ever.

Evil Genius:  “By the way, there’s an egg in the butter.”
The Professor: “Why is there an egg in the butter?”
Me: “Didn’t you know, it’s reproducing. Butter lays eggs.”
Just a little normal dinnertime conversation in our house…

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park.  Priceless.

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park. Priceless.

Take any noun and insert it in the blanks:

“Why did the guy put the _________ in the refrigerator?”
“Because he wanted a cool_________.”

Now, repeat 700,000 times in a row, inserting a different noun EVERY time you tell it. Make sure to laugh hysterically EVERY time.

My children. That’s right, they will never be comedians.

The Professor tries out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

The Professor tried out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

I almost missed going to the gym because my husband was out shopping for shoes.  Then he came home and made a cheesecake… backwards?

Did you know I’m famous?  Good things happen when you share recipes with friends.  I’m sharing this on here, because my friend Amy is awesome and so is this recipe!

Don’t forget to visit these other homes and buzz around a bit!                          Baking In A Tornado                                  The Rowdy Baker                                Just A Little Nutty                          Spatulas on Parade                  Stacy Sews and Schools                          Menopausal Mother                               Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                      Juicebox Confession                     Someone Else’s Genius                         Black Sheep Mom                                Go Mama O                            Battered Hope                                      The Momisodes                                      elleroy was here

Fabulous 5Ks With Kids and Other Far-Fetched Fiction

Once upon a time I had a notion that I would simply let my children come with me while I ran a 5K.

It will be fun.  We will be active AND spend time together.  After all, I’ve seen the pictures of smiling, happy families exercising together.


At this point everyone was still smiling.

Guess what?  As it turns out, my family is NOT one of those families!

I should have seen the signs.  After all, getting my kids to venture outdoors is something I liken to having teeth pulled.  Getting outdoors AND doing something active is even worse.  A prime example:  I forcibly signed my children up for soccer this Spring.  I bribed the younger one with pink shin guards, the older one with shin guards that you can insert different colors into.  Hopefully the shin guards will provide wonderful attitudes too!  Right?

For the last few years our little town has held a 5K in March.  It literally starts two blocks from our house and goes past our house.  How convenient.  We only had to walk out the front door to participate.

Evil Genius is training for a marathon.  Since he is actually one who runs the whole way, he decided to run the race as training.  I also wanted to do the race, since I am doing one in July and need the experience.  Therefore this meant I got to walk with the kids.  We used up our babysitter points the weekend before (remember the wine bar?)

There were serious runners too, like Evil Genius.

There were serious runners too, like Evil Genius.

So no big deal, right?  HA!

To help you envision what exactly my race was like, I have painstakingly prepared this little visual for you so you can see just what happened where!  As you can see, I have very advanced skills when it comes to this stuff.  Go ahead, offer me a job…


As you can see, once dad took the kids it was a breeze…

Afterwards we met up for pancakes.  They were delicious.

She has her pancakes.  Mission accomplished.

She has her pancakes. She is now happy.  Mission accomplished.

And there was sausage too.  Now happiness abounded.

To the victors go the spoils, and in this case, the sausage.

To the victors go the spoils, and in this case, the sausage.

Great… huh?  Below I model my cool free t-shirt.  Sexy, huh?


The Princess took this picture for me. Her horrified reaction after she took it and saw it on my computer: “Mommy, where are your FEET????”

So yes, I did a 5K.  So I didn’t run it the whole time but I did make it to the the end.  I beat nine people.  I think there should be a handicap for bringing two children with you during a race!

Have you ever run a 5K?  Walked a 5K?  Dragged one or two or more children along with you?

FTSF: The Most Unexpected Part of Being A Grown-Up

Finish the Sentence Friday

This is an updated version of a post that I shared in September of 2012. Things have changed quite a bit since then, but I thought it would be fun to rework this for Finish the Sentence Friday!

A couple of times recently the Princess has announced, “When I grow up, I will get to do whatever I want!”

I replied to this, “Ok honey, you just keep thinking that.”

And maybe she will, being the confident little thing that she is.

I can’t say that’s necessarily true for me.  In the last few years, as I have gone from preschool teacher to school associate to red cross flunkie to writer/librarian,  I have had several people ask me what I really want to do someday.  The truth is I don’t know.  I have no idea what I really want to do when I grow up!

That’s right.  I’m almost at the big 4-0, and let’s face it, I don’t feel like a grown-up.

As a child and a teen I wanted to be a teacher.  That didn’t pan out well, now did it?  I guess being a published writer is my next goal…  In time grasshopper, in good time.

The Princess has told me on several occasions that she wants to be a doctor when she grows up.  Or a cowgirl.  They’re so close, don’t you think?

The Professor thinks he wants to be a baseball player.  This is new, because up until this announcement he has wanted to be a race car driver like Jeff Gordon.  But then again, he has also informed me that he will take over for one of the school’s fourth grade teachers when she gets too old to teach.  Hmmmm… that easy, huh?

I must admit that I admire my husband for the fact that he has always known he wanted to be an engineer, even though it took him a long time to get there.  I guess that’s how you know you’re a grown up, you know what you want to do?

Therefore maybe I’m not really a true grown-up?

Hmmmm… A lot of grown-ups have bucket lists.  Someone recently asked me about my bucket list.  I guess I really don’t have one.  I have joked about taking pictures of different buckets and putting them on here.  I guess I don’t really have one because the things that I really want to do seem so out of reach.  I’m horribly, horribly practical.  Lack of money can really do that to a person.  If you can’t have dreams, then what is worth reaching for?

Isn’t the bucket list what you want to do before you kick the bucket?  Well I don’t necessarily have a bucket list.  I just have some things that I would someday would like to do.  Horribly impractical and probably will never happen.  But perhaps if I am to be “real” grown-up then I need to have this list!

  • I would like to learn to play the cello.  And the guitar.  I’ve tried to play the guitar on my own, but I really need lessons for a grown-up.
  • I would like to see another Broadway musical.  Or two.
  • There are so many places I want to go.  I want to see mountains.  I just want to drive to see mountains.  I don’t have to stay.  I just want to see them.  But then again there are so many places I want to go.  I want to see Seattle.  I just want to go there.  I think it would be cool.  For that matter, I have never been west of Nebraska, and I have been in a lot of places!  I would like to go back to Maine (where I am from) with my husband so he can see it too.  I want to go back to Chicago (where I lived nearby for a short while as a child) and see all of the museums and Shedd Aquarium.  I would love to go back to Disneyworld, but this time with the kids.  I’ve been there several time, I just want to take them once.  And the biggie-I want to go overseas.  I have never been out of the country except for Canada.  I want to go to Australia and China.  I WANT TO LEAVE IOWA.
  • I want to go back to school.  But of course, I have to figure out what I really want to do.  Therein lies my problem…

So that’s really it.  I don’t want much, do I?  🙂

Or perhaps I shall just not be a grown-up at all.

Well said, Mr Depp, well said.

Well said, Mr Depp, well said.
(This is one of many nice quotes and images from Quotes Factory, click on the image to take you to the website.)

The most unexpected part of being a grown-up is… not being able to do whatever I want when I want.

This post is part of Finish The Sentence Friday, cohosted by these very lovely ladies:

Mommy, For Real

Finding Ninee

Can I Get A Bottle of Whine With My Morning Quiet Time?

Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyholic

and special guest host Left Brain Buddha

Please visit one of the wonderful co-hosts.  Maybe you have something you’d like to share just for the occasion?  If so, LINK IT UP!  🙂