Fly on the Wall June 2014: The Pants Party Edition

Some flies have all the fun… welcome to the June edition of Fly on the Wall, where you can spend time spying on us and hearing all those little conversations we’re having in our house that sometimes are even amusing. 

Each month I partake in this special group event.  All of the participants write their posts and they all go live at the same time!  It’s like a marathon of your favorite TV show just much, much better!

For those of you who know how prolific a writer I used to be, thanks to a busy schedule and a major depressive episode that has now dragged on for far too long I have not been able to write much of anything.  This is the one thing that I have been able to stay active in as a blogger, and I just wanted to give a shout out to Karen of Baking in a Tornado for being understanding and not telling me to go away.  Will I ever get back to writing on a regular basis?  Will I ever feel funny again?  That remains to be seen…

Now, read the nonsense and foolishness that goes on in my house and then be sure to see what goes on in my friend’s houses by clicking on the links at the bottom of the post!

 

We have entered the dreaded stage of childhood in my house where everything inappropriate is funny.  It does not matter, if it contains the word underwear or toilet in it, it is HILARIOUS to my children.  I’m talking rolling on the floor laughing because a song had underwear in it.  So the cuteness doesn’t exactly abound in my house because my children are too busy trying to make each other laugh by saying inappropriate words:  poop, butt, fart, you name it.

As a humor writer whose most famous posts involve peeing my own pants and being a poop detective, yeahhhh… not so funny.

I am easily amused by brand names. I truly think this is one of the best names ever. Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants…

Evil Genius: “FINALLY! I got turned into a vampire. Now all I have to do is make my imaginary friend real and turn him into a werewolf so I can marry him and get on with what I’ve been trying to do.”
He’s been playing the Sims.  What did you think he was talking about?

From the living room I can hear what sounds like screams of torture from the backyard.  I go outside to see both kids sitting on the swings, screaming at the top of their lungs.
“HEY!  Knock that off!”  I yell.
“But mom, we’re doing burps!”
I might want to rethink what kind of food I’m serving my family…

Evil Genius:  “Leave some milk for morning. I eat my Fruity Pebbles like a MAN! With milk!”

I told the kids for every minute that they played outside this afternoon, they could play Minecraft. It was tough, but they stuck it out and played for a whole HOUR in the great outdoors.  Guess what?  They didn’t die!

This is part of what I do for my paid job. These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval. All in the name of science, right?

Evil Genius:  “I hope we have enough sugar.”
Me:  “I just bought you a new thing of sugar, it’s sitting on the counter!”
Evil Genius:  “Yeah, but it’s only five pounds, and I’m making a cheesecake.”

Memorial Day weekend:  There was racing on all day and we were making fried food.  According to The Professor it was the best day ever.

Evil Genius:  “By the way, there’s an egg in the butter.”
The Professor: “Why is there an egg in the butter?”
Me: “Didn’t you know, it’s reproducing. Butter lays eggs.”
Just a little normal dinnertime conversation in our house…

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park. Priceless.

Take any noun and insert it in the blanks:

“Why did the guy put the _________ in the refrigerator?”
“Because he wanted a cool_________.”

Now, repeat 700,000 times in a row, inserting a different noun EVERY time you tell it. Make sure to laugh hysterically EVERY time.

My children. That’s right, they will never be comedians.

The Professor tried out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

I almost missed going to the gym because my husband was out shopping for shoes.  Then he came home and made a cheesecake… backwards?

Did you know I’m famous?  Good things happen when you share recipes with friends.  I’m sharing this on here, because my friend Amy is awesome and so is this recipe!  http://funnyisfamily.com/2014/06/crock-pot-chicken-and-noodles.html

Don’t forget to visit these other homes and buzz around a bit!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                  Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://dinoheromommy.com/                               Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com                         Black Sheep Mom

http://www.gomamao.com                                Go Mama O

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                            Battered Hope

http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes

http://elleroywashere.com                                      elleroy was here

I Got The (Insert Really Long Phrase Here) Blues

Oh yeahhhh… play those blues…

I got me a blog
Ain’t wrote in awhile
This thing called life
It cramps my style

Should I just give it up?
Should I stop for awhile?
Should I eat that bowl of frosting
And then go walk seventeen miles?

Don’t mind me I got the I’m-a-mom-who-works-outside-of-the-home-and-has-a-house-to-clean-and-is-trying-to exercise-and-sleep-occasionally-and-maintain-a-blog-that-I-don’t-get-paid-anything-for blues

I’ve been writing a teensy bit, but sure not much.  I don’t just have the blahs, I have the blogging blues.  And maybe a bit of it’s just too damn cold blues.  I’ve been doing something besides just sitting on my couch.  Just what exactly have I been doing?  Pardon me while I do a sort of rant…

Damn you FACEBUTT!!!!

I’ve spent plenty of time being frustrated.  Like with Facebook, they keep changing the rules.  Yet that’s the only place I really see any interaction with the exception of a couple of private groups I’m in.  I love posting something and only getting 11 views out of 777 people that like my status.  I can share something that someone else posted and sometimes get lots of views, but it’s so inconsistent.  What a bummer!

Speaking of frustrated, I seem to get pretty much the same number of pageviews regardless of what I’m doing.  I’d like to thank the pervs looking for pictures of women peeing their pants.

The workplace: Where paper cutters roam and attack without warning.

There is work.  The PAID JOB.  While my job is interesting and flexible and all of that jazz, it does take a lot of my time.  AND some weeks I like it better than others.  This week, not so much (mostly due to the fact that it has been too cold for kids to go outside=loud noisy kids!)  I spend way too much time analyzing what I could have done differently or better after each session, while I should just jot down a little note and move the heck on!  So the brains?  Nowhere to be found!

To some of you this may not be that impressive.  But to me this is a new start.  I have a condition where my muscles get knots in them as well as having chronic back pain.  Exercising this past year has been very difficult.  Add to that the fact that I literally try to hibernate in the winter.  This getting out and to the gym when the weather is so darn cold is really a challenge.  So far, so good!  I’m sure it will get easier come spring because I really hate walking indoors.  Having a motivating playlist on my Iphone has helped make it easier, but I still want to be outside!

Magnum ran a 5K. I looked at pictures of him running a 5K…

Also, as you can see Evil Genius has been running.  He’s actually been training for a marathon.  His first 5K was the last day of January.  While I’m not moved to run any sort of marathon, I would like to at least compete in a 5K!  He has been doing really well with his training, and that is motivating me too!  While I’m still just walking, I’m walking further than I have in a long time and that is what counts.

And of course, kids.

And I’ve been trying to find the stuff in my kitchen.  I’ve been both blessed and cursed by this pantry.  The pantry is wonderful because not only does it give us space that we otherwise didn’t have to store our food, it also is the entrance to our “secret passage”.  However, the shelves are pretty deep and not very much space between them.  The containers I had would fall off the shelves and we’d be ankle deep in the mess!  So new containers that are long and skinny, new labels, and it’s looking pretty snazzy! It is close to completion now, at least that phase.  There are other things going on with the organizing too…

Behold the nicely organized spices!

So if you wonder why a) I haven’t been blogging my little heart out b) I haven’t been reading your blog b) I haven’t been sharing your blog c) on Facebook but don’t seem to do anything but post a bunch of silly Valentines that I have spent way too much time trying to find (like you see it, HA!), then hopefully this will give you an idea of why I’ve been so… bleh.

(I’m sure you probably haven’t even noticed… but I’ve got this thing called anxiety so I do…)

Have you had the blogging blues?  Have you had things that have been taking precedence over writing?  What is your kryptonite when it comes to blogging?

What I’m Really Still Doing Here Besides Staring At My Laptop

This week’s sentence for Finish the Sentence Friday is “My blogging goals for this year are…”

Goals? Where we’re going we don’t need goals…

Goals?  Perhaps one of them should be to include a Back To The Future reference in EVERY SINGLE POST THIS YEAR!

(Or to not use so many capitals.  And parentheses).

I could aim to use not so many references to bodily functions, but what fun would that be?

Last year I thought I might be on my way to making a living writing.  How’s that working out for me these days?  Not like I had expected.  While it has provided some very unique opportunities for me, now it’s something I do when I can do it.  Which sometimes is nearly impossible with two young kids, a husband, a house to maintain, and oh yes the paying job.  The job which just increased my hours and is about to give me a raise, because I’m almost off of probation, yo!

(That is the probationary period when you start a job, not as in ankle bracelet check in with your parole officer type of probation.  Hey look, more parentheses!)

And to be a “blogger” these days one is expected to maintain all sorts of crazy online presence giving and sharing on various forms of social media.  Some of that like Facebook that would rather show my stuff to one person than the almost 800 people who have signed up to follow it.  Frustrating…

So what the hell am I still doing here?

1)  Connecting  Because the online community is fabulous with a capital “F”.  This past month was definitely evidence that you don’t necessarily need to hang out with someone face to face every day to have a great support network.

2)  Venting  Because I certainly need that.  Even if I have to speak in clever code that no one but me understands.

3)  Creativity However weird it may turn out, I need a way to get that creativity out of me and into something tangible.

4)  Sharing  Because if I can share the weirdness that makes my family unique and make someone laugh in the process, it’s worth it.

So while I don’t have any goals, I think it’s good to have some concrete reasons as to why I keep hanging round these parts when I can.  As long as you are willing to read my crazy randomness occasionally and maybe get a laugh or two out of it, then I guess my job here is done.

This has been a Finish The Sentence Friday post, hosted by the delightful ladies of the FTSF universe-

Kristi of Finding Ninee

Kate of Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine With My Quiet Time?

Stephanie of Mommy, For Real

Janine from Janine’s of Confessions of a Mommyholic

Weekly Wrap-Up: The Lack of Funny Search Terms Edition

Where was I this week?  NOT in a box of Chex!  HA HA!

Monday The Road to Hell Is Paved With Sharpened #2 Pencils  My first post in awhile at The Epistolarians where I rant about school supply lists.  One major error occurred here-I have the wrong address in the pic I made!  Oops!

Tuesday  Twisted Mixtape Tuesday:  Movie Music  Do you know a song or two or more that you can’t help but associate with the movie?  I know a bit about that!

Wednesday  Go Ahead, Roll It Over  I guest posted at Menopausal Mother for her Wacky Wednesday Writers series.

Thursday  Priceless Mom Moments:  It’s Okay to Surrender to Big Sparkly Shoes  I’m never sure if my moments are more priceless or worthless.  Click on the link to see what the heck I’m talking about!

Friday  The Totally Tubular Story of Tie-Dye Girl and Her Amazing Rubber Chicken It’s that Secret Subject Swap again.  Hmmm… Sooner or later they are going to have to learn how to keep me out of this!

Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

I am sad to report that there really aren’t any that aren’t more funny than they are disturbing.  It’s a sad day!

Next Week

Make sure you go to Moms Who Write and Blog to see the link to our Laugh Til You Pee Your Pants Halloween Party! 

Monday-I make my debut on Raised on the Radio!

Tuesday-Twisted Mixtape Tuesday:  Uncomfortable songs.  I’m so sad I can’t find the clip of JD from Scrubs when he says “Uncomfortable”.  It would be so perfect for this!

Wednesday and/or Thursday-I hope to share my story of the week I went away!

Friday-Fly on the Wall.  Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

It’s another week of madness at the library (lots of programming stuff going on), so anything I post will be extra special!  I hope your week is filled with nothing but goodness and fun!

Mmmmmm…. leg…

#&^;!*#@( My Dog Eats And Refrigerated Cats

My kids on the first day of school in “the secret passageway”.

Hello people of blogland!  I’m still here!  It just happens that the month of August has been a busy one for me.  All at once it seems that my life has been turned all cobblewonky.  I got a job, my husband got thrown on a team at work, and then both kids went to school.

You know just when I thought I had it all together, I put my cat in the fridge and my dog ate a spatula.

Maybe I really don’t have it “all together”.  As a matter of fact, maybe it’s quite the opposite.  By looking at what was on the surface you’d think all the planets were aligning.  After all, I’m earning some income for the first time in over a year, income that half is not going towards childcare.  It’s part-time, which means theoretically I should be able to write as well.

Yet there I sat this afternoon. I was sitting on the floor in a small room surrounded by assorted sizes of pom poms, box upon box of fabric, and 1000 plus pieces of craft wood. I had to go through all of this stuff gathered and donated from years and years past trying to figure out just what I had to work with.  After the foam stickers that did not stick debacle, I wondered how the heck I was ever going to do this?  How was I going to find the time to get through all of this stuff, keep my act together, entertain droves of children each week, take care of my own children, maintain my house, AND blog?  Let’s face it. I haven’t exactly written much of anything worth mentioning lately.  The few little ideas that trickle their way out of my brain go down into print, but I can’t get the words right to convey what I want.

Add to that it’s been 100 degrees for days.  I’m sure my brain has been sizzling right along with the proverbial eggs frying on the sidewalk.  (Side note:  I may have to try that this weekend, The Professor has asked every stinking day about it.  “Mom can you REALLY fry an egg on the sidewalk????  I’d REALLY love to find out!!”).

It may be hot, but not too hot to poke fun at the weather:

I also have been falling asleep sitting up at my computer at the time of night when I should really be writing.  It’s the perfect storm for nonproduction.

So what was that about the animals?  Oh yes…

The dog has been pretty good, and we have had to leave him in the house during the day lest he melt into a puddle of pooch.  Each day I have lectured him before I walked out of the house, giving him the standard “Don’t pee/poop/chew on anything or hold wild doggie parties” speech.  I’ve stopped in once during the middle of the day just to be sure he didn’t eat the cat.  No really, I have actually told my boss that I need to go make sure there was no cat snacking of any kind going on.  So far, so good.

Although the cat was intact, I started finding chewed up pieces of black plastic.  What the heck had he chewed up NOW?  It’s not real smart you know.  If I were to chew anything up while Evil Genius was gone I would at least dispose of the evidence.  Regardless of what  was left, I was really dumbfounded about what he had destroyed.  Obviously nothing too important was missing.

Then I pulled out a spatula to cook dinner with and realized what he had done.  He’d eaten one of my frickin spatulas.  Not just ANY spatula-the cute little Pampered Chef one that I use for brownies.  Noooo!  Not my brownie spatula!

Must be time to go to get a new spatula:

After my minus one spatula food preparation experience, I went to put leftovers away.  I put the containers in the refrigerator, closed the door, and proceeded to grab a bag to put my husband’s lunch for the next day.  There was the kitten, sitting on the bottom shelf of the fridge, looking at me like I had rudely interrupted his fun.

Upon relaying this information to Evil Genius, we both came to the conclusion that we really need to watch that little thing a bit more closely.

Don’t think I don’t have theories about this.  I bet he was probably trying to figure out if the light really DID turn out when the refrigerator closes as well as just trying to stay cool.  And the dog?  He probably needed to internally flip something that he had eaten previously.  Makes sense to me!

I’ll eat kitchen utensils and you climb into appliances, deal?

Needless to say, I’d like to thank these two for helping me eek out a post that wasn’t a sobby essay about my daughter going to kindergarten.  I’ll spare you all that for at least a few more days.  Hopefully the mojo will return and I will be happily tapping away at my keyboard in no time…

I hope you have a fabulous Labor Day weekend.  I’m not sure if there will be a wrap-up this week or not.  As I stated last week, we’re making the switch to a new internet provider.  If all goes well, I’ll be around as usual this next week.  If not, well, it was nice knowing you!