Oh Crap, Literally: Counting My Blessings

fortune-cookie

So it’s not exactly fortune cookie material…

Count your blessings, because in the blink of an eye you could be ankle deep in your own poo!

All right, I admit it wasn’t really ankle deep, but there was definitely poo involved.  It was definitely a crappy thing to have happen!

This past weekend we had a not so welcome gift from the sewage fairy.  Some roots from the tree outside our house got into our sewer line.  Our basement went from 0 to a lovely spread of muck on the floor on one side in a few hours.  I just happened to go downstairs for a loaf of bread and ended up playing a game of stepping stones to get to the freezer.  I more or less had to sit IN the freezer to get the bread out, and I hollered to Evil Genius to come look at the basement.

The next morning we had a quick visit from the city guy who simply said “Yup, you’re backed up.”  This was followed by waiting a few hours for our local Roto-Rooter guy to come out and snake the drain.

Yeah, this tree.  I like this tree...

Yeah, this tree. I like this tree… I’m sad about it.  It’s going to have to come down.

And by the way, he didn’t have to do it once.  Or twice. He had to run it FOUR times.

Lucky us!

Incidentally, I have discovered what the worst smell in the world is.  If you have kids, take their worst diaper or poop accident and multiply the smell by 1000.  That is the smell that will linger after Roto-Rooter has left your house.  I started smelling it about the time he was finished, and then he brought the weird drum shaped device through the upstairs he stopped and showed me the sewage covered tree roots.  I just about threw up, it smelled that bad. And remember, that stuff doesn’t usually bother me.  That means it was really, really bad.

As he often is, Evil Genius was amazing.  He came home from work while I was at my job and cleaned it all up.  By the time I came home my house was transformed from stinky mess to a lovely Lysol smell.  And I like the smell of that particular cleaner, so that’s quite all right.

Confession time:  I have to admit when it happened I went a little nuts.  I worried and I cried.  Because that’s what I do.  Having to shell out a large chunk of change ten days before Christmas when you’re not exactly rolling in the dough makes your wallet hurt.  Add to that fact that I had just had my hair colored for the first time in many years the Friday before. It was my Christmas gift from my husband.  While I loved how it looked and it wasn’t terribly expensive, the guilt of spending that money on myself instead of my kids just about killed me.

Moms do that.  We put our family first.  So it’s a natural mom reaction to feel bad in these situations.  Even though no one was dying and nothing really terrible was going to come of it, I still felt bad.

And I continued to feel bad about it.  I was so preoccupied that I ran into the side of the cart corral at Target.  While the car was fine other than a few scratches in the paint, my already wounded pride was aching.  And then I burst into tears in the store, because here I was surrounded by all of the things I would like to get for my kids, but couldn’t at the moment.  Not that my kids NEED anything, because they have plenty of toys.

So then I felt bad for feeling bad.  After all, we still had a house, food in our kitchen, heat, running water, clothing, and so forth.  Why was I fretting over the fact that we might have to postpone Christmas?  They would be spending time with their extended family and would get gifts from their grandparents the weekend before.

I guess because I don’t want my kids to know just yet that sometimes life just really sucks.

And we’ve had it worse.  Much, much worse. Three years ago we had a flood.  During this flood our sewer system got overwhelmed and backed up.  And kept backing up-all the way up our basement stairs.  It was one of the scariest moments of my life.  My husband was at work and couldn’t leave, and I thought we were going to float right out of our house.  We lost our furnace and thought we’d lost our freezer, which was floating around in the basement.

Weeks later miraculously our freezer came back to life.  And we got a new furnace through a local organization who happened to be helping winterize our house at the time.

I also have to keep in mind that this is the first Christmas in a long time that one of us hasn’t been out of work or in school.  My husband is working a job that while the commute is long and some aspects of it are stressful, he is doing what he loves at a company that is very supportive and truly appreciates him as an employee.  We have good health insurance.  We have great benefits.

So what the hell am I upset about?  Counting my blessings makes even the worst situation seem a lot better.

Speaking of blessings, I want to thank my blogging friends who had kind words to offer me as I was fretting about the whole thing.  It really meant the world just to hear that things will get better!  Sometimes it’s nice just to have someone listen. We don’t need any help, we will be fine!  It’s just another setback in a series of things that are getting better slowly but not quite fast enough to make me happy.  I just have to remember that sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back!

Oh, and by the way, I’ve got about a thousand crap references saved up since this whole mess started.  I bet you can’t wait!

crapNow before you go away thinking “Sheesh, I thought this lady is supposed to be funny!”  I want you to remember that even the funniest people have unfunny days.  But you can get your laugh on over at Moms Who Write and Blog, where they have a little shindig going on known as Mom For the Holidays!  You can read many great posts (but not ghosts) from Christmases pasts!

And to go right along with that, tomorrow is Fly on the Wall, The Holiday Edition, going live at 10 am EST/9 am CST!

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I Didn’t Go To BlogHer and Get Free Lubricant, But I Did Go To Jail

I know the feeling Spidey...

I know the feeling Spidey…

If you’re a gal that blogs, and you weren’t at BlogHer this past weekend AND you have a lot of blogging friends, you saw a lot of pictures that made you wonder why the hell you were missing out on what only could be the party of a lifetime.

From what I saw on Facebook, there were all kinds of things I missed out on. There was learning, there was bonding, there was a lot of alcohol, there was LUBRICANT.  Yes, apparently on top of everything else they gave away free lubricant and vibrators.  I am so sorry I missed it!

In case you hadn’t heard I wasn’t there.  Previously I blogged about what I thought was going to go down at the conference.  However I had a party of my own instead.  Here is what you missed out on this weekend at Not At BlogHer 2013:

I showered twice in three days (*GASP!*)
I stared in silence at a lot of pictures of people having fun at BlogHer.
My kids broke a broom among other things.
We almost ran out of cheese.
My husband worked all day Friday AND Saturday.
My kitten drew blood four times.

IMG_2224

Everyone looks like they’re having so much fun… Now I want wine and chocolate…

Actually I DID do something while this was all going on.  I cohosted a Twitter party with Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 just for the unlucky folks that didn’t get the opportunity to be at BlogHer.  It was dubbed Home Con 13 (#HomeCon13).  It was my first real experience at a Twitter party.  While I’ve been a part of #wineparty and #spikedpunch in the past, I seriously didn’t know what I was doing and really didn’t participate all that much.  But the difference is this time I had some people in my court that were able to help me figure it all out and get the proper tools to stay with it. And it was a hoot!  It was also so popular that it was the number one thing trending on Twitter!

(For those of you that are like me and don’t know what “trending” means, it means that it was the number one thing that users on Twitter were tweeting about!)  Jenn has a very nice visual on her weekly wrap-up if you would like to see.

As a matter of fact, Home Con 13 was such a big success that we have decided that we would like to make it more of a regular thing.  Perhaps even monthly!  If you missed it, don’t despair, it will happen again.  And I have some things to help you if you are one that is not well versed in the “Twitter party” avenue.

One thing you can do is download Tweetdeck.  I always assumed this was something that you paid for, but it’s not.  Here’s what I found out about Tweetdeck after using it:
The Pros-You can separate stuff into nice, neat columns so you can see what’s going on.
The Cons-There’s nothing in this program that puts the hashtag in there for you each time.  Due to this I erred and many times I typed in homcom13, homecone13… I had several people tell me to just copy and paste it, but between the fact that my computer just plain has issues I can’t do a lot because the mouse I’m using is stolen.  Yes, my mouse had issues so I “stole” the mouse from my kids’ computer.  Shame on me-this situation will be resolved on payday, I hope.

DO NOT allow your cat to handle your social media interactions for you. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrf#2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 is the kind of stuff you'll get.

DO NOT allow your cat to handle your social media interactions for you. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrf #2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222is the kind of stuff you’ll get.

Thanks to having the Tweetdeck, I was able to keep fairly good track of all that was happening.  It all went so fast-even with Tweetdeck there was a lot going on. So many people tweeting all at once!  But it was fun!  So many people from all over the world connecting and chatting and having a blast doing it.  Somehow I helped that happen!

Then chaos broke out.  Jenn got thrown in jail.  Then I got thrown in jail.  That’s because nothing says “party” like both of your hosts getting thrown in the slammer, right?  Not real jail of course, Twitter jail. Being thrown in Twitter jail happens when you send a certain number of texts within a certain amount of time, or follow too many people within a certain amount of time, or piss off the Twitter gods…

When it was all said and done, I may still have felt bummed for not going to Chicago and attending BlogHer, but I got to have a lot of fun without even leaving my house or having anyone come over to my place.  It’s nice to have people to talk to that understand the stuff you’ve been going through!  We know how to have a good time here!

Were you one of the lucky ducks who got to go to BlogHer?  Was there anything unusual and/or different that you would like to share from your experience?  Did you get to attend our little shindig on Friday night?  What did you think?  Did you miss out and think it sounded like fun?  Keep an eye out here on my blog or over at Jenn’s place. We’ll let you know when the next party will be held!

As close as we get to a wild and crazy conference at our house. Blogging NAKED! (Not me).

As close as we get to a wild and crazy conference at our house. Blogging NAKED! (Not me).

Weekly Wrap-Up: The Super Duper Edition

its the weekendThis week was busy!  We did some more nature hikes and I had my final day of physical therapy.   I also had a job interview, but I can’t tell you about it because then I’d have to kill you.  I even had my mom over for a couple of days, I can talk about that.  On top of that I  got to experience a company meeting where my husband works.  And of course I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to get a kitty and dog to coexist in the same general area of the house-that’s been interesting!

Monday  Songs From The Big Flake:  If My Life Was a Song I’d Need Back Up Dancers  I’ve always been really good at making my own versions of songs, but never the WHOLE song.  I did just that in this post, I tried to envision what my life would be like if it were a song.

Tuesday  Twisted Mixtape Tuesday Bathtub Time Machine: 80s Ear Worms and Eye Worms  I will not take responsibility for any ears or eyes rendered unuseable after attempting to read this post!

Wednesday No post, man.

Thursday  Theme Thursday:  Everybody Has Superpowers (Maybe Even YOU!)  If nothing else, I hope this post helps you find your hidden talents, otherwise known as superpowers!

Friday  July Secret Subject Swap:  If I Could Turn Back Ti-ime (Read it in a Cher voice)I received this prompt for the Secret Subject Swap two weeks ago.  This week it ironically was the prompt for Finish The Sentence Friday.  On a related note, feel free to click on my post about do-overs here.

bank laundryStuff I Really Dug This Week

Doctor, Can You Give Me A Lift? Vikki Claflin on humorwriters.org  I’m pretty sure Vikki gets the award for being featured on this Weekly Wrap-Up the most times!  I’ll have to make her something out of dryer lint…

The Secret Subject Swap Take One  These are all good, but my favorite is Michelle Marriot’s post at Follow Me Home.

And I found out that someone has a blog crush on me!

Blog CrushIt was so nice of her, and fun too. Naturally I had to respond:

Blog Crush 2Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

how to tell if someone is a werecat  Keep an eye on them when the moon is full!

synchronized swimming in toilets  I think that would be really hard to do.

i pooped in the laundry  There’s something called a toilet you can use for that.

glitter that comes from your mouth  Would that be a glitter burp?

homemade personal boob cakes  Is that like a personal pizza???

Don’t ever go away  Ok.

Next week

There are many ideas, there are many things started, but I will make no promises.  Maybe it’s more fun to keep everyone guessing.  I hope you are having a super duper weekend!  Or a duper super weekend.  Or something like that…

flip side

Songs From The Big Flake: If My Life Was a Song I’d Need Back Up Dancers

Recently I shared an oldie but a goodie, a post speculating about what my life would be like if it was a movie.  But then I got to thinking-what if my life were more like a song?  What songs would be most likely to describe me?  “People are Strange” by The Doors?  “Last Dollar” by Tim McGraw? “Livin’ in the Fridge” by Weird Al?

thinking catAfter a lot of thinking about this way too much, I decided I’d just write my own songs.  Writing your own ditty to the tune of other songs is not as easy as it sounds. My genetic condition enables me to make songs out of virtually anything, but not an entire song.  This was a challenge.  My hat is off to Weird Al!

So get ready.  I’m breaking out the autoharp (because I’m not talented enough to sing and play the flute at the same time).  My backup dancers are prepared to go at a moment’s notice  Here’s my life these days summed up in not one, but three songs:

Brain (To the tune of Girl by Beck)

I saw them yeah I saw them
I think I left them on the back of the toilet
Or maybe out by the vending machines
Or on the top of the underwear rack
With my phone I can try to call
My husband but he’s playing video games
So I’m walking through the aisles of Target
Waiting for someone to turn in my keys

Oh I think I’m gonna need a ride
Because my keys are lost and gone
Oh I know I’m gonna need a ride
Nothing that I could have done
Oh please give me a ride
Nothing that I could have tried

Hey, my fuzzy brain
Hey, my fuzzy brain

Then I dropped it, yeah I dropped it
Dropped my phone while I was using the bathroom
Didn’t flush it, didn’t flush it
Thirty seconds later and I can’t use the speaker
Fell out my pocket, my pants pocket
I’m pretty sure the toilet has a tractor beam
Gotta fix it, can’t replace it
Didn’t get insurance with US Cellular

Yeah I think I’m gonna need some rice
To try to dry out my phone
Brown, basmati, jasmine or white
I’ve never felt so alone
I’d better put it in some rice
Guess it’s really worth a try

Hey, my fuzzy brain
Hey, my fuzzy brain

*************************************************************************************

meanest momMean Mom  (To the tune of Mean by Taylor Swift)

You, with your genius brains
And your facts and your ‘tude that you use against me
You, have forgotten what I’ve said again(It’s like I never said anything)
You, you’re standing on your head in the chair
With the tv on watching Big Bang Theory
You just knocked stuff on the floor again

Well I can yell real loud
With just one single “NO”
But you won’t hear, no you won’t hear me

Someday, you’ll be thinking up a brand new theory
And I’ll all ever be to you is mean
Someday you’ll be making scientific history
And all I’ll ever be to you is mean
All I ever am is mean

You, with your unbrushed hair and your blankie and your fits and your bad constipation
You’ve pooped in your underwear again
(I really didn’t need this)
I fill you full of fiber
Trying to get it all out so you won’t be miserable
I just want you to feel ok again.

You think I push you around
Because I want you to go
In the potty instead of your pants
You really don’t think so
Then you don’t go, yeah you don’t go

Someday, you’ll be taking over some big country
And all I’ll ever be to you is mean
Someday you’ll be in the animal rights industry
And all I’ll ever be to you is mean
Why I gotta be so mean?

You’ll appreciate it years from now
All the pasta I made you try
When I told you to go and play
And all you did was cry
Only some TV and gave you chores and all those bizarre things
Grumbling on about how we don’t help keep the household clean…

But mom is just so mean
Oh she is so mean
But I love her, she’s my mommy, she gives me chocolate
And she’s mean, and mean, and mean…

Someday you’ll see eating vegetables doesn’t cause injury
And mom won’t really seem all that mean, YEAH
Someday we’ll be better people because of mom’s scrutiny
And she won’t really seem all that mean
Why’s she gotta be so?
Someday she’ll be old and living in a cardboard box you see
And she won’t really seem all that mean…
Why’d she have to be so mean?

How They Remind Me  (To the tune of How You Remind Me by Nickelback)

Never made it as a salesgirl
Couldn’t cut it as a music teacher
Tired of applying for the same old jobs
I’m sick of being this pathetic creature

And this is how they remind me
How broke I really am
This is how they remind me
That I should not buy ham

It’s not like I’m not trying
To make a living off of all this writing
This time I’m mistaken
Bout all the money that I thought I’d be makin
And I’ve been mad, I’ve been down
Bout all the rules that I’m supposed to follow
These six words in my head
Scream “Have I found a job yet?”
No, no, no, no no.

Sometimes I smell so bad
There’s some days when I just don’t get clean
I could so use a nap
My two children have almost killed me

This is how they remind me
How old I really am
This is how they remind me
I’m not a miss I’m a ma’am

I’m not like you I’m so boring
Always here trying to write a story
This meal that I’m makin’
Won’t have any meat or bacon
And I’ve been starved, I’ve been down
Down to the bottom of a jar of nutella
These four words that you’ve said
“IS IT SUPPERTIME YET?”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no…

**************************************************************************************

So what do you think?  Do I have it in me to be a rock star? Does my life make an almost interesting song?  Would you like to be one of my backup dancers?  What would the songs describing YOUR life be like?

Proof that you can rock out with an autoharp.

Proof that you can rock out with an autoharp.

Happy 4th!

firecracker tamponIt’s the 4th of July and the last thing most people want to be doing is sitting around reading blog posts, right?  I’m starting it off with a bang with a monster headache.  With it being the holiday but it happening to be on a Thursday, Theme Thursday is still going on.  We’re all rerunning old posts that we’re proud of.  So in this case, Reruns=Good.  I’m sharing my magnum opus *snort* about my unemployment and potential jobs that I could do… it’s worth at least a half a laugh.  I included the Theme Thursday button at the top of the post so just in case you have more than fifteen seconds that you can check them all out.

The Sadder But Wiser Girl…Poop Detective

I’m not letting you get away that easily.  My bestie Amy over at Funny is Family saves the world from starvation each week with her Crockpot Thursdays.  I shared a recipe that we love here at our house but sadly cannot take the credit for it.  Her blog is wonderfully funny, and she is famous since the bestselling book that she is featured in,  I Just Want To Pee Alone, took the nation by flush storm.  I’m asking you nicely to go check out her blog and the recipes.  It’s certainly worth your time! 🙂

Crock Pot Thursday: Slow Cooked Whole Chicken

firecracker squirrelI hope you have a fun and safe 4th of July!  🙂

Ding Dong, The Flake Is Back…

January 2013-Self Awarded, because I'm a flake!Remember when I was a flake?

That hasn’t changed… not one bit.  I’ve had a few things going on, and I realize that some love has been shown to me that I have been (not purposely) withholding my response.  I wouldn’t be surprised one little bit if there were a few people out there thinking that I’m a real (insert bad name here).

So yeah, I totally feel like a heel for not doing something sooner.  Reading through these blog posts really make me smile.  I’ve been a bit down on myself the last few days when it comes to my writing and blogging, this has given me a little boost.

So let me do my best to try to give a reply to some of the awards that have been bestowed upon me recently:

January 2013-Awarded by momtimes4 February 2013-Awarded by Menopausal Mother and Mom's WorldThe Very Inspiring Blogger Award  Awarded to me by The Wild and Wonderful World of Gingerssnaps.

February 2013-Awarded by Just A Little NuttyThe Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness  Lovingly presented to me by CHill Thoughts, The Wild and Wonderful World of Gingerssnaps, Mom Rants and Comfy Pants.

May 2013-Awarded by Mommy Has IssuesThe Liebster Award Graciously Given to me by Mommy Has Issues.

March 2013-Awarded by AtlantamomofthreeBeautiful Mama Blog Award  Bestowed upon me by The Wild and Wonderful World of Gingerssnaps.

TriumphTriumph Trophy  A new one given to me by Menopausal Mother.

The sad thing is that I’m sure there are others.  I was able to find all of the ones posted on my blog’s Facebook wall, but my history on Twitter would only go back so far.  So if you’re reading this and thinking “That little (bleep)!  I gave her an award and she totally blew me off!”  then please let me know and I will quickly whip something up!

Just The Facts Ma’am

Since I’m trying to accept all of these awards at once, I’m going to have to break the rules.  Yes, each one had certain things that went along with it-most involved sharing some facts.  I think I can share some facts.

1)  I will have been unemployed for a year today.
2)  I’m trying to get started as a freelance writer and it’s not easy.
3) I started two other private blogs before I started this one.  This is the only one I’ve kept up with.
4) My favorite color is purple.
5) I do not eat red meat, unless it is from The Canteen restaurant.
6) I moved to Iowa in 1990 and have only left the state a handful of times since.
7) I can’t think of any more facts.

SPEECH!  SPEECH!

You see, no award acceptance is complete without the speech.  So I’m going to try to name some of my biggest supporters that I couldn’t have gotten this far without their help, cheerleading, and just being great people in general!
The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan
Atlanta Mom of Three
Baking in a Tornado

Can I Get Another Bottle of Wine With My Morning Quiet Time?
Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine
DeBie Hive
Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Evil Joy Speaks
Finding Ninee
Funny Is Family
The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears
Indian American Mom
Janine’s Confession of a Mommyholic
Julie DeNeen 2.0
Laugh Lines
Lisa Newlin…Seriously?
Mom Rants And Comfy Pants
Mom’s World
Motherhood Is An Art
A Mother Life
My Life As Lucille
My Skewed View
Nicole Leigh Shaw, Tyop Aretist
An Old and Cranky Gamer
PenPaperPad
Something Clever 2.0
The Tao of Poop
When Crazy Meets Exhaustion
The Wild and Wonderful World of Gingerssnaps

And I’m painfully aware that I probably need to get my blogroll updated again!  So many blogs, so little time!

I'd like to thank the little people...

I’d like to thank the little people…

Somehow I find time to look at other blogs.  Here are some blogs that I’ve recently discovered:
All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something
Bad Parenting Moments
Crazy As Normal
The Herstories Project
Home on Deranged
I Am The Milk
Mama, Schmama
Mommy For Real
Nothing By the Book
Sarah’s Brand New Chapter
School of Smock
The Science of Parenthood
Smack of Ham Presents
Urban Moo Cow

And there are many others.  I always feel bad when I do these posts because I’m scared to death of leaving someone out!  I have a lot of blogging friends and I try to read their blogs whenever possible.  So thank you everyone for being such great people!

If My Life Were A Movie, I’d Hire Better Writers

Recent events have had me thinking about this post that I wrote awhile back and reblogged once before..  Naturally, WordPress won’t let you reblog something more than once.  So I have copied and pasted it all into a nice shiny new post!  So think of it as a rerun that you didn’t see the first time if it’s new to you.

If my life were a movie... there'd be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

If my life were a movie… there’d be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

I keep thinking lately that if my life were a movie we should almost be at the point where something wonderful happens.  You know, things just seem like they are so bad and then that great thing happens that miraculously turns things around.  It of course results in a happy ending.  The “It’s always darkest before the dawn” type thing.

So obviously this is real life and although I’m sure there’s a plan for me somewhere, I don’t see it happening.  But this brought up a very good bunch of stuff for my blog.  What IF my life WERE like a movie?  What would happen?

I’d get some sort of anonymous donor all of a sudden paying to send me to school.  Then I could follow my dreams.  If this were a movie, I’d know what those dreams were…

I'd get to go back to school with really smart fun people...

I’d get to go back to school with really smart fun people…

I’d have a trainer preparing me for my first triathlon using ordinary things.  I’d be weightlifting family sized cans of vegetable beef soup and full containers of cat litter. I’d be running through an obstacle course made of hula hoops, carefully arranged dog poop, empty Cheerios boxes, and leftover siding.  I’d be pulling a wagon loaded with all of the uneaten food from my house, which would be REALLY heavy (great training potential).  I’d be forced to run up and down the playground equipment at the park over and over.

Just as I’d just given up forever on finding a job and threw myself into something else (most likely the chest high mountain of laundry on the back porch), the dream job would happen to come up on the job website.  I’d decide to apply for one last job and get an interview.  They wouldn’t offer me the job at first, but something miraculous would happen and I would end up getting an even better job because I impressed someone there… because they would think I’m awesome.

We’d break out into song at the most interesting moments.  My daughter going poop in the potty would rate a huge song and dance number.  I would finally get a job interview, and there would be dancers following me as I sang all the way there about how I was going to change my life.  Dinnertime-you bet there’d be some sort of production.  And everyone would like and eat the food too.

"Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!"  Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

“Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!” Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

Somehow my schedule would miraculously allow me to do all kinds of work to prove the naysayers wrong.  I’d be out there, pounding the pavement, doing something to make everyone who ever doubted me have faith in me again.  Not sure what that would be, but I’d be proving them wrong.

My husband would be very romantic. You know, random flowers and stuff like that.  I bet he’d be conscious too, unless it was a comedy relief type of thing, because unconsciousness can be very funny.

I’d have a better wardrobe (does the HD camera also add ten pounds?)  And better hair.  Much better hair.

I have pretty cute children anyway.  I suppose they would be just as cute, and would say much of the same stuff they say in real life.  Except my daughter wouldn’t poop her pants at the most inopportune moments, and my son wouldn’t eat his boogers.

I’d be giving up my blog just about the time a famous editor would read it.  He would make great strides to try to find me and hire me to come to work for his company.  Also, my fans would rally around my house begging me to return to what inspired their life:  My blog.  Oh yes, and I would have a lot of fans.

I’d have a lightsaber.  I’d also have some sort of superpowers.  And I’d be able to do that slow motion floating and turning in the air thing like on The Matrix movies.  There’d be some sort of epic battle in my backyard.  I’d win.

It would have an awesome, though eclectic, soundtrack.

Yes my life is definitely not a movie.  If you’re willing to buy my story, however, we’ll talk.

Would my life story have all the elements of a Nicholas Cage movie? Would he wonder why he wasn't in the movie?  I'm sure all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed.

Would my life story have all the elements of a Nicholas Cage movie? Would he wonder why he wasn’t in the movie? I’m sure all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed.

Let’s Get Physical (In a Non Olivia Newton John Sort of Way)

She definitely looks better in a headband than I do.

She definitely looks better in a headband than I do.

While many of you were out enjoying the great weather earlier this week, I was lying face down on a table.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?

It was actually means to an end.  The beginning of finally getting some relief for the literal pain in my neck. Since nothing that I have been prescribed has worked thus far, I ended up getting sent to get physical with the physical therapist.

Ironically, I started physical therapy this time exactly five years ago to the day I first had physical therapy at that same facility.  I had my tiny baby little girl in her carrier and an adorable three year old boy accompanying me back then. This was when I could barely walk without excruciating pain and had a horrible pain in the neck.  Now I have two adorable and curious elementary school aged children who asked a lot of questions with me, and a neck and head that throbbed when I blinked.

deep tissue massageI filled out paperwork. I squeezed stuff.  I got smacked with one of those things they test your reflexes with. I got pushed and prodded and got my head almost yanked off of my body.  I got some great deep tissue massage.

Meanwhile, my children were so good they were practically little angels.  This may have something to do with the fact that they thought I was going to have electroshock therapy or something like that.  No, dear children, the TENS machine does NOT deliver electric shocks.  Apparently that is what my son took from the conversation we had the previous night about what physical therapy actually was.

Both children stared at me with wide eyes the whole session, whispering to one another and looked quite a bit worried.  At the end when she hooked up the electrodes to me The Professor started jabbering a billion miles a minute.  He wanted to know what exactly was going to come out of those things.  The therapist was great, explaining everything that she was doing and how it all worked.  Even then, they didn’t relax until she turned it on and I didn’t even react, or started smoking or anything interesting like that.

static electric chairThey got tootsie rolls in exchange for all of the stress that my session put them through.  I’m probably in for it on Thursday when I go back, now that they realize what I’m really having done.

I have to go for at least a few more times.  Next time I need to take a notebook, because I forgot pretty much everything she told me by the time I got home.  Something about C1 and C2 (which disappointingly has nothing to do with cookies).  Use cold instead of heat. Something about a something something muscle in my back.  I was given three exercises to do every day at home.

Oh-and I was told no more blogging on the couch.

NOT THE COUCH!

NOT THE COUCH!

In other words I need to stop being so lazy.  I need to sit in a chair at a table or desk with the computer at a certain height.  While sitting on my couch with my laptop most likely did not cause the problem, it certainly isn’t helping!

So I carried the desk from the bedroom down the stairs and set myself up for blogging in the living room where I could keep an eye on both kids.  I found the fold up chair with the padded seat and back, but since I have to keep my elbows at a 90 degree angle I also have to sit on pillows.

Guess what?  I hate it.

I can’t concentrate.  I’m certainly not comfortable.  I’m not inspired.  My back hurts.  Add the pounding headache that I’ve had all day and it’s SUCH a good time.  I have posts scheduled for other people that I need to write.  This with the realization that I haven’t written much that can be considered actual humorous writing lately makes me a bit frantic.

Who knew that I was really that lazy?  I’ve always known that desk work isn’t my thing, but it’s necessary.  I need to channel my inner couch so I can have some inspiration to write funny things.

What do you do when you need inspiration?  How do you make the best of a situation that isn’t ideal for you?

uninspired1

Doggone Weekly Wrap-Up

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I’m calling this the “Doggone Weekly Wrap-Up” because my dog has been gone this week more than he has been here.  He bolts every chance he gets, and he WILL NOT come to us until he is wet, miserable, and hungry.  He got out so much that on Thursday he had to hang out overnight in the puppy clinker.  When I went to retrieve him, I put the words “Bail for the Escape Artist” on the check.  Hopefully he’ll figure it out that it’s not cool to run away all the time from the place where he has shelter, food, and lots of love.  Yeah, right, I won’t hold my breath.

But I digress…other stuff happened this week too.

Monday EXTREME GREEN!  My efforts at trying to be more healthy…

Tuesday  This Mom’s Birthday List  I have a birthday coming up, so for fun I made a list.  This is one that’s a bit more realistic than my Christmas list was. At least I hope so.

I also dumped out my purse over on the Kelley’s Breakroom Facebook page.  It’s ok, I really needed to clean it out anyway!

whats in her bag

Wednesday Wordless Wednesday: Just Chillin’ (And A Link To My Guest Post)  I thought it would be fun to do both the picture as well as plug my guest post over at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion.  So I did.  Be sure to stick around and show some love to Stephanie’s blog when you’re done!

Thursday  Theme Thursday: Do-Overs  What would you do over if you had the chance?  My answers may or may not surprise people.  Complete with scenes from Star Trek IV, because I cover all the bases.

Friday  Help, HELP!  I’m Trapped At Target!  A tale for Finish the Sentence Friday for all to behold and laugh at my expense.

Cool Stuff That I Know About That I’m Not Sure That You Know About But Should And Favorite Stuff I Found This Week And This Is A Run On Sentence And I Don’t Care

Twisted Mixtape Tuesday-Here’s some fun every Tuesday that you can come over and put your two cents in.  Jen Kehl  spends some time each week making lists of songs according to whatever theme they have in mind.  This week’s list was breakup songs.  Who else breaks out into Paul Anka when they think of breaking up?

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion-Trouble Making Me-I was here this week guest blogging, and this is one of her posts that shows the awesomeness that is Stephanie.

Living on the Spectrum:The Connor Chronicles-POOP This has nothing to do with what you think it has to do with. It has everything to do with a real mom’s version of Gwyneth Paltrow’s website “GOOP”

vader no tp

Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

Withdrawal  Who’s withdrawing what??? 

Moose yodeling  A moose that can yodel?  Or people yodeling for mooses?  Here moosey moosey moose yoh-deh-lay-hee-hooooo.

Exercise machine won’t make eye contact Do you really want your exercise machine to stare at you?  That’s weird man.

I don’t get the funny waldo post  You should because it was freaking AWESOME!  Missed it last month?  Read Where’s Waldo?  Answer: Creepytown here.

Renaissance fair cleavage  I defer this one to Menopausal Mother.  Missed this post too?  What is wrong with you people?  Read Cleavage and Kilts here.

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My lovely friend Marcia The Menopausal Mother at Renfest.

Next week

Our trip to the eye doctor, my review of I Just Want to Pee Alone (for reals this time, I promise!), a special birthday Wordless Wednesday, unusual parenting for Theme Thursday, and what I want on a desert island for FTSF (this is gonna be fun…)

Oh, and just one more thing…

I did this thing, y’all.  I’m terrible at self promotion and at asking for votes.  I submitted two of my posts to the BlogHer Voices of the Year.  If you’re a member of BlogHer and want to help little old me out, please follow the linky-dinks and vote for the posts.  I don’t know if it makes a difference, but it would be nice to be recognized!

Here are the links if you are interested in voting:

http://www.blogher.com/lessons-kids-life-short-play-naked

http://www.blogher.com/i-peed-my-pants-wal-mart-and-other-tales-mommy-incontinence

Have a great rest of your weekend and a FABULOUS week this next week!

How Antisocial kitty reacted to the dog running away (a reenactment of course).

How Antisocial kitty reacted to the dog running away (a reenactment of course).

Theme Thursday: Do-Overs

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is an opportunity to mind meld with the most amazing people online.  Today’s topic is Do-Overs.  After you read my mind blowing post, please click on the link at the top to view other even more mind blowing posts about doing stuff over.

This post is a bit off from my usual clean fun.  I may pepper it with some colorful metaphors.  If you do not like colorful metaphors, then please please just do not read. 

What, do you ask, is a colorful metaphor?  Oh please allow me…

star trek metaphor

Colorful Metaphors, Star Trek Style:  You Tube Video Link Here

Yes, only I could work Star Trek into a post like that, because that’s how I roll.

*Ahem*

It’s tempting to write a bunch of baloney this evening as reality is starting to rear its ugly head here in the land of cornfields and wind turbines.  The sub job is over, and we’re quickly getting back to living paycheck to paycheck.  I’m spending waaaaaay more time than I should looking at job postings.  Gee, it’s the SAME jobs over and over.  How many more rejection letters can I receive from McFarland Clinic?  Is Iowa State ever even going to look at my resume before setting it aflame?  And part-time stuff in the evenings and weekends?  HA!  It’s positively abysmal.  I really hope that this writing thing takes off pretty soon, but I’m not holding my breath.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m very happy with how some things turned out.  I’m crazy about my husband and kids. While life hasn’t always dealt us the greatest hand we are pretty awesome, dammit.

But there are some things in my life that I just wish I could go back and DO OVER, mainly because they were STUPID.

The following is a list of “Do-Over” Opportunities.  Please note that these are different from Photo Opportunities…  Each scenario in itself would negate the other opportunities, because it would create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe!  Or something like that.

OH NO!  Not the fabric of time!

OH NO! Not the fabric of time!

Do-Over Opportunities

Do-Over Opportunity:  In high school you will be presented with many opportunities that for some reason or other, someone will try to talk you out of.  Do me a favor and do this over-ignore the naysayers and do what the hell you want to.  This could possibly lead to a more interesting life and fewer regrets.

Do-Over Opportunity:  That really super hot guy with the motorcycle, the really tall one with the blue eyes, the one you spent an entire semester staring at in math class, avoid at all costs.  Yes, do this over the right away.  When he walks up to you the following semester after chorus, WALK AWAY.  When he comes to your house, tell him to GO AWAY!  When he calls, hang up.  As a matter of fact, maybe do that with every guy that approaches you between the years of 1990-1997.  It will be so much better and so much less complicated.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When the Student Ambassadors at Lord Voldemort College approach you about majoring in Music Education, tell them thanks but no thanks, and then run and hide amongst the Elementary/Early Childhood majors. They’ll protect you.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you realize how much the department you’re in at Lord Voldemort College is not doing you any good, you’ll try to transfer your buns out of there.  They’ll call you in to threaten you with all kinds of bullshit.  Here’s when your do-over comes in.  DON’T BELIEVE THEM.  It’s all lies.  Transfer and get the “h” out.  Go to a different school and go on with your life.  It’s much better than having student loans the rest of your life that you can’t pay.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you’re called into your boss’s office and handed a paper with the word “failure”on it seven times and told to either resign or be terminated, don’t retreat into anonyminity.  Fight.  Get a lawyer.  SUE THEIR ARSES!

But Wait, Hold the phone…

You know there is the stuff I did right too, like making some of the friends I did in high school and college.  Like holding out for the hot smart guy with the weird but awesome sense of humor who actually can hold a conversation with me and likes many of the same things I do.  Yes, the one who proposed to me on a playground and I said “Yes!”  And those two kids, they’re pretty neat too.  The blogging thing, while as of yet it hasn’t paid out anything other than self satisfaction and some great friends, I think I did well to stick it out with that as well.

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother.  She gets me...

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother. She gets me…

Don’t forget to go see what all the fuss is about-check out all the other Theme Thursday posts and all of the other awesomeness over at Something Clever 2.0

metaphors

I couldn’t resist one more thing about those damn colorful metaphors…YouTube Video Link Here.