My Life of Crime: Subliminal Criminal

It wasn't anything like this.

It wasn’t anything like this.

Part 1:  The Day I Went To Jail, Briefly

One of the requirements to work with children in the particular state I live in is that you have to be fingerprinted.

I vaguely remember this being discussed about the time I left the childcare business.  You have to jump through a lot of hoops to be certified in this state.  You have to be current in CPR and First Aid-which is easy for me, as I’m a certified instructor.  You have to have a ton of training.  You have to fill out so much paperwork.  I suppose it SHOULD be that way-you can never be too careful with children.

Anyhoo, since I am subbing I am therefore working with kids, thus needing to get my fingerprints done to be put in some sort of database.  You need to go to either the police station or the county sheriff to get yourself “printed”.  I opted for the sheriff since you don’t necessarily need to make an appointment.  I called and they said come on over.

The woman I talked to said, “Oh and by the way you have to go to the jail to do that.”

Weird, but ok.  So off I went, four year old in tow.

As it turns out you can’t take a four year old into the jail.  I guess that makes sense.  So they set her up with some books in the front area.  There was a woman behind the desk who said she would be happy to keep an eye on her.

The sheriff took me back to the jail area.  It was a bit disappointing.  There was nothing there but an area where they must check people in.  No shady people behind bars, no people sitting around asking “Hey, whatcha in for?” No one singing “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…”

I was expecting the classic inking of the fingers.  At least here they no longer do.  This was actually the cool part.  They scan your fingers now.  There is a pad that they put your fingers on that scans and shows the image of your fingerprints.  When you get done, they print it out and you take it with you.  I’m also assuming that it sends the prints to some sort of national registry.  I thought it was the neatest thing I had seen in a long time.  I was disappointed there was no retinal scan to go along with it, you know, just because.

So I was in and out of jail in less than ten minutes.  Meanwhile, The Princess was up front charming everyone in sight.  When I came out of jail to get her, she was sitting with one of the other sheriffs, playing Angry Birds on an Ipad with him.  They also gave her a stuffed animal.  Now she wants to go to jail every week.

Yes, jail is a terrible, terrible place.  I should have stayed there.

That afternoon I endured broken glasses, a crabby daughter, a food stealing dog, a horrible day at school for my son, and NO NAP!

Yes, I definitely should have stayed in jail.

innocent

I assure you this is not true in my case.

Part 2:  Smooth Criminal?

In addition to filling out a gazillion forms and getting fingerprinted, working with kids also requires a criminal record check.  This is whether you work in the public schools or a private preschool.  This is a good thing-you don’t want creepos working with your children.  They need to make sure you are not a child abuser!

As it turns out “something” showed up in the check.  They don’t know what.  Apparently they are not informed exactly what turns up.

But I was, of course, freaking out.  Of course this happens to the person with severe anxiety.

My first question  was this “Do unpaid bills count as a criminal act?”  I was quickly assured me they did not.  Phew!  The most likely scenario-someone else with the same name as me in a faraway state was a bad person who robbed a bank.  Or perhaps I had an old parking ticket?  If so I wouldn’t know when that happened.  To be safe, I texted Evil Genius and asked if he had paid all of the parking tickets he got at school-in MY car.  Of course, he couldn’t graduate until he paid them.  I got a speeding ticket awhile back when Satan’s truck was still running.  That had to be quite a while ago, since that truck hasn’t run for over a year.  Basically I wasn’t paying attention and got caught.  I paid it right away.

Then I started wondering-did someone steal my identity?  Evil Genius got a huge kick out of this “Who would want to be you?”  HA HA-you’re very funny.

If I had been part of a criminal act and convicted as so, don’t you think I would know about it??????  I’m ready for my polygraph.  Go ahead, ask me to tell a bunch of lies!

Maybe I did something terrible in my sleep.  I am on Ambien after all.  Maybe I got in my car, went to town, stole a whole bunch of stuff from Wal-Mart, then drove home and went back to bed.  Makes perfect sense!

So I must be a criminal and I didn’t even know it.  A subliminal criminal…

I have never even actually been to a real jail until I had to get fingerprinted.  I’ve never been to a courtroom.  The closest I have ever come has been being able to quote episodes of Night Court.  I lead a VERY uninteresting life.  Needless to say, I was horrified that anyone would even imply that I had any kind of record!

crime

And of course, please vote if you’re not totally sick of the contest!  Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms.

Insomnia: It’s Nothing to Lose Sleep Over

insomnia cat

Welcome to everybody’s hated game show:  The Insomnia Show!  Filled with all kinds of interesting things like watching infomercials on TV and reading up on disturbing stuff on Google!   Stay up all night and be tired all day!  This has been the story of my life for quite some time, and it’s not necessarily a very interesting one.  Heading into the SADD season and coupled with my rampant ADD and Anxiety it’s all just a big old party in my messed up little head.

Oh don’t get me wrong, Insomnia CAN be interesting.  I have a fellow blogger who even put it in the name of her blog.  Go check out the Insomniac’s Dream sometime.  She is one cool lady.

The other day I drove to the town that my husband works in, daughter in tow.  I went to get my eyes checked for new glasses and then got to go out to lunch with my husband and his boss.  Somehow we got onto the subject of insomnia and I interjected that I had not had an unmedicated night’s sleep in years.  It’s not something I’m proud of.

I’ve tried a lot of different things and some things work for awhile, other things don’t work at all.  Not drinking caffeine (HA HA-right), valerian root (which to me sounds sexual and I don’t know why), soothing tea, wine (my personal favorite), melatonin (which sounds too much like melanoma), and Ambien.  Not all at the same time now, I’m not nuts!

It's not THAT bad.

It’s not THAT bad.

Why do I not sleep?  There are soooo many reasons.  A lot of it is a combination of ADD and Anxiety.  All that time to lay awake and think about all of those anxious thoughts randomly for hours without interruption.  My brain welcomes this opportunity and takes it and runs with it.  I think some of it has to do with the fact that I am just not active enough these days.  When I do go and lay in my bed without assistance from any sort of foreign substance, I do this weird half awake half asleep thing. It’s bizarre.

ADD

Back to the assistance with sleep-these days I take an Ambien most nights.  When I go to bed I have a little sound machine that I turn on and sometimes I even light incense  Unfortunately, it’s all for naught-sometimes it seems to not even help.  Even if I take the other half I’m just up.  If I do fall asleep it’s odd and only for a few minutes. This isn’t every night.  Every night is different.  I am thrilled to sleep seven hours, which something that can definitely be obtained on a good night.

Incidentally, did you know there are whole websites dedicated to the stuff that people do when they are on Ambien?  That’s pretty freaky.  I do stuff like… fall asleep at my computer after taking it.  Isn’t that exciting? Oh once I typed letters that did not form words.  Call the police, that’s pretty racy stuff.

Falling asleep at the computer is the best I do.  I’m surprised I don’t pass out somewhere like my kids have done in the past.  How do they do that?

No insomnia here, just sheer stubborness.

No insomnia here, just sheer princess stubborness.

These days I could just go and go and go and pray to just get tired enough to go to bed.  Which is just plain weird because I’m tired all day. I wait, and I wait to get tired enough to sleep.  I do stuff online.  I freak myself up because I start looking up all of the symptoms that I imagine I’m having. There have been some nights I have even started seeing things I’m up so late.  The other night I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye.  I finally concluded that maybe it was just my mind…

Ironically, I suppose I could take an antihistamine or a Xanax and sleep for DAYS. As wonderful as that sounds, I think there’d be some people upset with me.

For now, I take my half Ambien, and if the stuff is not cooperating then I take the other half.  Most nights some combination of this works in some way.  The ones that don’t, well, aren’t good nights.

I’m hoping that once we can get our finances better understood and where we were going to be at, then I could try a different method to help me sleep.  Some different herbs, burn that incense, maybe even a massage.  That would be a nice night.

Do you suffer from insomnia?  Any weird stories to share?

She just couldn't fight it anymore...

She just couldn’t fight it anymore…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz: A Poem About Slumber

IT’S WITLESS WEDNESDAY!

Time to read another awful poem by the Sadder but Wiser Girl, unless you fall asleep first…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:  A Poem About Slumber

When I lie upon the bed

And anxious things race through my head

I silently pray to go to sleep

But in my slumber I cannot keep

I cannot seem to count the days

I’ve wandered in a tired haze

One child stays up into the night

And still gets up before the light

I’ve wondered often in such sorrow

Why her energy I cannot borrow

I try to lay down for a nap

And cannot due to all her crap

So long I whined and moaned and cried

Ambien my doctor has prescribed

I now sleep once I take the pill

Now seven hours I sleep so still

I worry not to depend on this

All that matters is sleeping bliss

The ADD Mom Is Bored

I’ve been there.

It’s a typical weekday night. A little before 9 pm. Everyone is in bed.  I’m a little bored.  It’s not that there aren’t things I could do, I just don’t have the motivation or brainpower to do them.

So what exactly do I do to pass the time?  Read on:

The first thing I do after everyone goes to bed is get my big soft comfy blanket.  Then I have a snack that I don’t have to share.  I eat cinnamon graham crackers along with my Diet Sunkist Lemonade.  I agree the tastes aren’t exactly complimentary, but I like it.  I fight with the dog, who is trying to steal my cinnamon graham crackers.  He can’t have any, like I said I don’t share!  No wine tonight, that’s only on the weekend.

I go and check to make sure my son has remembered to not read past 9 pm.  He’s out cold.  Books are dangling out of his loft.  At least he remembered to turn his light out.

I sit back down and check the DVR.  There’s nothing on here I want to watch.  Parenthood gave the Mom cancer.  Not fair.  I’m not watching that.  Realize that I have a lot of hostility directed towards TV shows choices for their characters.

My laptop has been open this whole time-this is when I check on Facebook.  Comment on posts commenting on posts.  Realize that everyone has a more exciting life than me, sitting here all by myself with my Diet Sunkist Lemonade.

I find some stuff to read.  I go to Confessions on ScaryMommy.com. Some of these moms I can relate to.  Others-like Moms that smoke pot and cuss about their husbands and kids?  Oooooooh, I feel like a really, really good Mom now!  My Mom license is not in jeopardy tonight!

I check my email.  Uh-huh, I really must be on the school’s blacklist.  How about you guys just email me back and tell me you don’t need subs?  Grrrr!

Suddenly a stuffed animal comes flying down the stairway.  I calmly usher my daughter back to bed.

I read fellow bloggers blogs.  I comment on posts I like.  This is National Pork Awareness Month?  I never realized just how important it is to recognize pork.

I then go to look at job boards.  I sob quietly to myself.  I will never find a job…  Oh look, there’s a part-time opening for a “Floating Teller”.

I go up and check on my daughter.  She is sound asleep as well.  There’s no room for her in the bed between the stuffed animals and all of her books.  I want to take a picture but my camera battery is dead.  I really should charge that.

I read up on legitimate ways to make extra money.  I don’t want to sell stuff like Tupperware (how many consultants can an area have, seriously?)  I can’t donate sperm for money.  It has a disclaimer that you must be a guy.  Duh.  The online stuff looks interesting, but is it legit?

Back to Facebook.  Snicker at stuff I shouldn’t find funny.  Look at people’s timelines…

I just now realize that football has been on the TV for over an hour.  WHY?????  I turn it over to Conan.  A bit of self-deprecating humor for my night.

I’m so bored I Google myself. Wow!  I didn’t know there was someone with the same name as me!  A golfer.  How cool.  There’s also lots of references to my LinkedIn page.  You’d think that would help in the job search!  I also look at the images-I didn’t realize there were so many of me that look so different.

I come back to my blog and mess around on my dashboard. Oh look, here are the search terms people have used to get to my site.  Hmmmm… some of those are a bit disturbing.  Note to self, never put the word “penis” in a blog post title again.

I go back to Google to try to figure out how to become a freelance writer.  I need my own website?  I have to advertise myself?  Can’t I just be awesome?

I work on a blog post.  I also look for pictures to go with it.  Hey there’s going to be a Wayne’s World 3?  Oh it’s a joke.  Now I’m sad.  I work on different blog post.  I have seven of them I’m working on at a time, you know.  I work on my other blog.  I briefly contemplate having a third blog.  No… let’s not disturb a whole new set of people just yet.

Back to Facebook.  No one loves me.  I repost something funny yet disturbing.

Out of desperation, I look at jobs on Craigslist.  How many of these are real?  How many of them are actually murderers advertising for help?  How desperate am I for a job?

Someone commented on my blog! I read the comment. I then realize this isn’t Facebook, so I can’t “like” the comment.  I comment on the comment.

I let the dog out to pee.  I try to get him to come right back in.  He’s chasing moths, imagine that.

I turn off the TV and turn on the Ambient music on Itunes to help me wind down to sleep.  I google “ways to get out of the house when you are broke”.  I don’t find what I am looking for.

I take half an Ambien.  I have to feel sleepy SOMETIME!  Hey I just got that, “Ambient” and “Ambien” must have a connection!!  After this revelation, I let the dog back in.

I go back to Facebook.  It’s the last time, really.  I type things I probably won’t remember in the morning.  Then I realize I’ve been asleep at my computer for 15 minutes.  Off to bed.  It’s 1 am.

And THAT is a typical evening for me… exciting, huh?