Fly on the Wall April 2015: The Mutant Fly Edition

Fly on the WallHoly cow I think we have mutant flies. The biggest fly I’ve seen in a long time keeps landing on my screen. Heyyyyyyy wait a minute, I bet he wants to help me write my Fly on the Wall post!

Why would a fly want to help me write?  Let me explain a little about Fly on the Wall… In a nutshell, it’s snippets from life put together to make one post.  Participating bloggers then take said posts and all publish at the same time.  Magically at 10 am EST these posts all appear simultaneously once a month!  So read on to see what the fly and I wrote, then stick around and see what other bloggers wrote by clicking on one or two or ten of the links at the bottom of the post. 

So in other words, what fly WOULDN’T want to get in on that kind of awesomeness?  🙂

This is visual proof of why I get nothing accomplished often.  Cuddly animals and warm soft purple blankies.

This is visual proof of why I get nothing accomplished more often than not. Cuddly animals and warm soft purple blankies.

Me eating ice cream: “Oh ice cream how I love you! Why don’t I eat ice cream more often?”
Me two hours later: *In pain and crying* “Whyyyyyyy do I eat ice cream?????”

(Lactose intolerance, that’s why. It blows.)

That's about right... (From George Takei's Facebook page.)

That’s about right… (From George Takei’s Facebook page.)

Evil Genius to The Professor: “Did you learn anything at Baseball Camp today?”
The Professor: “Nothing that I can remember.”

Couldn’t find the library’s disposable silverware anywhere the other day at work. My choices to eat my mac and cheese were a big wooden spoon or a measuring spoon… I chose the measuring spoon.  It may have looked a little weird, but hey I was HUNGRY!

I'm the one in the purple hat.  I'm wearing three shirts and a jacket-it was COLD!  I finished 58th out of 78.  HEY I BEAT SOME PEOPLE!!!!

This is the 5K that we have in the spring in my town.  We literally can walk outside our door and participate.  I’m the one in the purple hat. It was so cold that I was wearing three shirts and a jacket! How’d I end up?  I finished 58th out of 78. HEY I BEAT SOME PEOPLE!!!!

Things not to do on the day of a 5K that you plan on actually running.
1) Drink orange juice beforehand
2) Eat blueberry waffles beforehand
3) Wear pants that won’t stay up
All bad things to do… trust me. *urp*

The Princess is learning to knit.  We have knitting needles and looms galore.  I'm still waiting for potholders.  Really, I seriously need her to make me some!

The Princess is learning to knit. We have knitting needles and looms galore. I’m still waiting for potholders. Really, I seriously need her to make me some!

*Stares at pair upon pair of black yoga pants in the laundry basket*  Is it possible to have an addiction to yoga pants?

IMG_3394The above picture is from Easter.  Why is my son wearing a button up shirt, tie, and vest?  Certainly not because we told him to. A friend gave us some of her son’s clothes that he had outgrown and he has been obsessed with that outfit ever since.  Every chance he’s got he’s tried to wear it.

The day before Easter… “Mom…”

Me without even hesitating:  “Yes you can wear the shirt and tie.”

He does look pretty cute, even though he started out wearing the shirt over a polo shirt.  He thought it would look extra nice.  We made him take it off.

Speaking of Easter, that bunny was definitely my favorite that weekend.

Speaking of Easter, that bunny was definitely my favorite that weekend.

Random things written on Facebook:

So apparently orange juice is not a viable alternative for milk in cream of chicken soup.

I really hate it when I find meat in my bra.

The Princess and I delivered cookies to my aunt and cousin in the Target parking lot recently. I’m now completely convinced that Girl Scout cookies are another form of crack. “You got the stuff?” “You got the cash?”

Yes those were my children walking to the bus stop in the pouring rain.  Brand new umbrella… Need I say more?

My pets... what a bunch of goofballs.

My pets… what a bunch of goofballs.

Me: “When I was a kid we used typewriters to type things because that was before they had computers for everyday use and things like ipads.”
The Princess: “Yeah. That was a long time before pencils too…”
Yes we etched everything on to a stone tablet…

IMG_3396

Both kids are on orange teams this year! What a coincidence!

My daughter wanted to clean for fun this past weekend.  I don’t think she’s really mine.

Yep that’s right.  Mom has been slacking in the cleaning department.  For whatever reason, my depression has reared its ugly head once again and I feel like doing nothing.  But I’m happy to say that we spent the day cleaning up our kitchen and not only has it stayed that way, I did some more organizing this week!  Now I can’t say much for the rest of the house, but by golly our kitchen looks great!

I always feel at home at Target.  This week I have proof that they really know me there.

I always feel at home at Target. This week I have proof that they really know me there.

Back to the running… there is kind of a happy ending here.  The next 5K was a couple of weeks later.  It was for my husband’s Live Healthy Iowa thingie.  I did decently-and I ran the whole way!  I’m not so sure where I actually finished, I have yet to see any race results.  However the hubby was so proud he got me flowers.  And they’re tie-dyed!

Now he can get flowers for me for when I’m done with the half marathon on May 30th.  He can put them on my grave, because I’ll probably die.

11149822_10204567797971835_579512764931082934_oThis weekend is Evil Genius’s birthday.  He turns the big 4-0.  We will be attempting to make Mountain Dew cupcakes.  I’m sure there will be a good story in there for next month’s Fly on the Wall.  We actually have three birthdays between now and then!  How about that?

So that’s it, short and sweet this month.  Thanks for stopping by and reading…  And how much help was the fly?  At some point the dog ate him.  How’s that for appreciation?  Don’t worry about him, there are plenty more flies out there.  Take a look at some of the blogs below.  They are just buzzing with things for you to read!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                          Follow me home

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                        Stacy Sews and Schools

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                                   Battered Hope

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                  Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                        The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                            Someone Else’s Genius

http://gndisney.wordpress.com                                Disneyland in Kentucky

http://singlemumplusone.blogspot.com                    Searching for Sanity

http://www.angelaweight.com                                Sanity Waiting to Happen

http://dinoheromommy.com/                                   Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                         Juicebox Confession

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Use Your Words: Color Me BAD!

Use Your WordsDo you remember when you were little and your mother told you to stop throwing that tantrum and USE YOUR WORDS?

This is nothing like that.

Welcome to the August edition of the Use Your Words blogging challenge, hosted by the lovely and ever so wordy queen of the baking universe Karen of Baking in a Tornado.  Today’s participants have carefully chosen 4-6 words that are then assigned to another blogger to weave into one entertaining post!  Check out the links below this post to see how other bloggers are using their words!

My words were:  Humidity ~ Frizz ~ smurf ~ Walk Like an Egyptian

They were submitted by the delightful and not really so villainous Joy of Evil Joy Speaks!

This year in an attempt to be physically fit I made a decision that I was going to run a 5K.  After all, my husband was training for a half marathon, and it only made sense that I would subject myself to bodily torture by signing up for something that I might actually have to do some running in.

After months of making excuses, I finally gave in and signed up for one.  Not just any 5K, The Color Run, otherwise known as the Happiest 5K on the Planet.  Not only did I sign up, I created a team.  And people even signed up to be on this team.

And then my husband said I needed to run it.  In July.  When it’s hot.  The good feeling?  Definitely gone, replaced by panic and fear.

Keep in mind that I don’t run, I walk.  And though I understand that many people that sign up to do these things actually do walk the whole thing, it really made sense that maybe I should push myself a little.  No I wasn’t going to Walk Like An Egyptian, I was going to try to run the damn thing.

This Spring I prepared by doing the 5K right here in town.  I literally had to open the door and walk a couple of blocks to be there.  I also had to take my children with me.  It turned out ok, don’t get me wrong, but I think it would have been better to have done it alone.  Kids think you are tormenting them when you make them do any physical activity, let alone walk 3.1 miles.  I chronicled the event here if you care to take a gander.

Time flew and before I knew it the weekend of the Color Run was upon us.  I had been home all summer with my kids, and let’s face it, physical fitness and training and all that stuff was not really happening. Because that would be active, and being active is silly.

And my team? Most of them chickened out.  They had excuses, but they still chickened out.  Luckily, my husband rose to the occasion and filled in.  After all, he ran a half marathon, this would be like the buzzing of flies to him, right?

Let me explain a little more about this race.  When you run the Color Run, you start out wearing all white, like below.

BEFORE...

BEFORE… see? White.

Then you walk or run and they throw colored powder at you at several places along he way.  That’s right, they THROW STUFF AT YOU!

What was I thinking?

But you know what?  I ran about half of it.  That’s a huge accomplishment for me.  Considering I didn’t really get to train, that’s pretty darn good.  And I didn’t die.

Luckily, we got done before it got too hot and the humidity caused my hair to frizz too badly.  I was pretty colorful when we got done, luckily I didn’t end up looking like a smurf like so many pictures I’ve seen from this race!

This is okay because purple is my favorite color.

… And after. This is okay because purple is my favorite color.  I even had color in my teeth!

I had color in my hair, in my teeth, in my snot, and in places all over my body that I am not even going to begin to mention.  But it was fun. And you know what?  I’m definitely going to do it again next year!

Next 5K is the Glow Run in October.  That will be fun.  And maybe, just maybe, I might get to train for this one with the kids back in school!

What words are my peeps using today on their blogs?  Check it out by clicking on the links below!!!!!

http://Bakinginatornado.com                                       Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/               Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com                             Juicebox Confession

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com                 Evil Joy Speaks

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                   Follow me home . . .

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                       Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com                       Crumpets and Bollocks

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com              The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

Fly on the Wall June 2014: The Pants Party Edition

Fly on the Wall

Some flies have all the fun… welcome to the June edition of Fly on the Wall, where you can spend time spying on us and hearing all those little conversations we’re having in our house that sometimes are even amusing. 

Each month I partake in this special group event.  All of the participants write their posts and they all go live at the same time!  It’s like a marathon of your favorite TV show just much, much better!

For those of you who know how prolific a writer I used to be, thanks to a busy schedule and a major depressive episode that has now dragged on for far too long I have not been able to write much of anything.  This is the one thing that I have been able to stay active in as a blogger, and I just wanted to give a shout out to Karen of Baking in a Tornado for being understanding and not telling me to go away.  Will I ever get back to writing on a regular basis?  Will I ever feel funny again?  That remains to be seen…

Now, read the nonsense and foolishness that goes on in my house and then be sure to see what goes on in my friend’s houses by clicking on the links at the bottom of the post!

 

We have entered the dreaded stage of childhood in my house where everything inappropriate is funny.  It does not matter, if it contains the word underwear or toilet in it, it is HILARIOUS to my children.  I’m talking rolling on the floor laughing because a song had underwear in it.  So the cuteness doesn’t exactly abound in my house because my children are too busy trying to make each other laugh by saying inappropriate words:  poop, butt, fart, you name it.

As a humor writer whose most famous posts involve peeing my own pants and being a poop detective, yeahhhh… not so funny.

I am easily amused by brand names.  I truly think this is one of the best names ever.  Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants...

I am easily amused by brand names. I truly think this is one of the best names ever. Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants…

Evil Genius: “FINALLY! I got turned into a vampire. Now all I have to do is make my imaginary friend real and turn him into a werewolf so I can marry him and get on with what I’ve been trying to do.”
He’s been playing the Sims.  What did you think he was talking about?

From the living room I can hear what sounds like screams of torture from the backyard.  I go outside to see both kids sitting on the swings, screaming at the top of their lungs.
“HEY!  Knock that off!”  I yell.
“But mom, we’re doing burps!”
I might want to rethink what kind of food I’m serving my family…

Evil Genius:  “Leave some milk for morning. I eat my Fruity Pebbles like a MAN! With milk!”

I told the kids for every minute that they played outside this afternoon, they could play Minecraft. It was tough, but they stuck it out and played for a whole HOUR in the great outdoors.  Guess what?  They didn’t die!

This is part of what I do for my paid job.  These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval.  All in the name of science, right?

This is part of what I do for my paid job. These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval. All in the name of science, right?

Evil Genius:  “I hope we have enough sugar.”
Me:  “I just bought you a new thing of sugar, it’s sitting on the counter!”
Evil Genius:  “Yeah, but it’s only five pounds, and I’m making a cheesecake.”

Memorial Day weekend:  There was racing on all day and we were making fried food.  According to The Professor it was the best day ever.

Evil Genius:  “By the way, there’s an egg in the butter.”
The Professor: “Why is there an egg in the butter?”
Me: “Didn’t you know, it’s reproducing. Butter lays eggs.”
Just a little normal dinnertime conversation in our house…

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park.  Priceless.

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park. Priceless.

Take any noun and insert it in the blanks:

“Why did the guy put the _________ in the refrigerator?”
“Because he wanted a cool_________.”

Now, repeat 700,000 times in a row, inserting a different noun EVERY time you tell it. Make sure to laugh hysterically EVERY time.

My children. That’s right, they will never be comedians.

The Professor tries out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

The Professor tried out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

I almost missed going to the gym because my husband was out shopping for shoes.  Then he came home and made a cheesecake… backwards?

Did you know I’m famous?  Good things happen when you share recipes with friends.  I’m sharing this on here, because my friend Amy is awesome and so is this recipe!  http://funnyisfamily.com/2014/06/crock-pot-chicken-and-noodles.html

Don’t forget to visit these other homes and buzz around a bit!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                  Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://dinoheromommy.com/                               Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com                         Black Sheep Mom

http://www.gomamao.com                                Go Mama O

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                            Battered Hope

http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes

http://elleroywashere.com                                      elleroy was here

The Bog of Undetermined Stench: Tight Pants Not Included

baking in a tornadoThis month in an effort to get my butt back to writing, I took part in a new challenge hosted by the brilliant mistress of mouthwatering recipes Karen of Baking in a Tornado.  The peeps involved in this group post picked 4-6 words or short phrases for someone else to turn into a masterpiece.  Each word is used at least once, and each blogger receives their own unique set of words submitted by another blogger.

Fun?  Of course! I received the following words to use in this post:  unexplained phenomena ~ beastly ~ evidence ~ hair ~ investigative journalist ~ backwoods

They were submitted by the lovely Robin at Someone Else’s Genius!

In my house these days there is this unexplained phenomena known as the “undetermined stench”.  This is not to be confused with the bog of eternal stench, believe me there is no David Bowie in tight pants dancing around singing about it.

And that is such a pity.  This smell just may very well merit a song or two in tight pants.  However since we don’t have actually own any such things in our house, you’ll have to settle for me typing this in yoga pants.

Being the mother of two children with questionable toileting habits as well as working in child care for more than ten years, you would think that I would have built up considerable tolerance to all things stinky.

As it turns out not so much.

You see, much like the piles of laundry and the legos that seem to breed in the playroom, I seem to be the only one who even takes note of this foul fetor.  I notice it most when I first return to my house after being gone.  I come inside and start running around the house, smelling everything in my quest to figure out what the heck that beastly stench is and where it’s coming from!  Despite all the evidence that my nose seems to be gathering, I’m at a loss.

I can’t say it’s my power of super smell, because if that’s the case don’t you think I’d already have located it?

I shouldn’t be surprised, after all my abode seems to be the breeding ground for all kinds of hair-cat hair, dog hair, human hair.  Why not add a bit of funky smell to the mix as well?

At one point this week I attacked my couch, convinced that there was some sort of evil stanky force at work.  I washed everything that was washable, vacuumed and febrezed what was left.  While it gave my mind a little rest, the next time I came downstairs, there was that icky smell!

Nooooooooooo!

The sink with its neverending pile of dishes doesn’t always smell so wonderful, it would certainly help if Evil Genius would replace the leaky garbage disposal with the brand new one in the box.  The one sitting next to the cupboard that the cat uses as a perch to stare at us from.

But I figured that’s not where the stench is coming from either.

The basement has its own brand of special scent.  Yucky icky smelly we’ve had a little too much rain at a time loveliness.  And cat box.  Yet that is not the source of the p.u.

I’m quite close to throwing in the towel and hiring some sort of private eye or investigative journalist to sniff it out and expose this thing wide open.

I don’t know why I should be concerned.  After all, it was only this past Christmas that we were up to our ankles in our own deep doo doo in the aforementioned basement, thanks to the tree in the front yard and a few too many doses of miralax.  What smells worse than that?  My nose should have long thrown in the towel, er, kleenex, after inhaling that particular odor.  It was enough to make me want to live like they do in the backwoods… nothing to flush, just a hole in the ground.

Yes folks it’s a good mystery. One that may continue to confound me for the rest of my days before I simply run from the house screaming.  At least I’ll be out in the fresh air!

Do you have stink in your sink?  A smell where you dwell?  Is it simply your loo that smells like poo?  Or an undetermined stench in your bench?  I’d love to know.

I’d like the record to note that I came up with multiple synonyms for something that stinks.  Now, unplug your nose and read on to see what words my fellow writers utilized so splendiferously.

http://bakinginatornado.com                                Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/                      The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                    Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                      Battered Hope

http://www.healingtomato.com                         Healing Tomato

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com             Evil Joy Speaks

Fly on the Wall April 2014: The Lame Edition

Fly on the WallBuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

What’s that infernal racket?  Oh, that is the sound you’d be making if you were a fly on a wall in my house.  At least that’s what the flies sound like that are currently here.  Maybe YOU would be extra quiet.

Why am I talking about flies? Don’t they just fly around and buzz in your ear and get in your garbage?  Au contraire-flies could very well be little spies, hanging around on your wall and getting an earful of your biznizz.

Fly on the Wall is a monthly good time, the brainchild of the lovely and very wise guardian of the baked goods Karen from Baking in a Tornado.  We participants are all posting at the same time, ensuring that you will get the pleasure of seeing what goes on at not just one, but MANY houses each time.  After you’re done reading my post, please click on some of the links to see what is going on in other houses around the blogosphere.

I have entitled this one “The Lame Edition”, because this last month stands to be the lamest one yet as far as fly content!  Where is the funny?  Where is the cuteness?  What is wrong with us?

But hey flies-you’ll be loving my house this month.  Thanks to an extended winter season and the destruction of our garbage receptacle by the D-O-G we have plenty of delightful things to offer our larval and adult fly population alike in our yard this month.  Get your kicks in now, because by next week we should have all the trash outta here and taken to the curb.  Sorry doggie, NO TRASH FOR YOU!

He's in my spot.

He’s in my spot.

I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time taking those silly quizzes on Facebook.  Let me give you a quick rundown of what I have learned about myself:  I’m Katherine Janeway, Captain of Voyager.  I’m Bill Hader.  I should join the X-Men.  I’m Captain America.  I’m Rainbow Brite.  I’m Bambi.  I’m a Lawful Neutral type person.  And I should be a lifeguard at a nude beach.

Did we mention the part where I really just need to get a life?  Where’s that quiz?

Oh myyyy... so young to be so grumpy so often...

Oh myyyy… so young to be so grumpy so often…

I’m a terrible, horrible parent.The Professor was conflict manager at recess recently and apparently was royally p.o.’d that there was no conflict. He announced that recess “sucked” because of that fact. I get why he was in trouble for it, and we talked about it, but I still found it funny. I at least waited until he was out of earshot to snicker.

Isn’t that kind of like the morale officer being mad because everyone is already happy?

Look out world, the real Sheldon Cooper is coming.

 ****

It’s a good weekend to be the Evil Genius.  His birthday is Saturday.  He has Good Friday off.  And had part of the day before as well.  And what did we spend the evening doing?  Watching beer commercials on the internet.  Be jealous, be very jealous of my exciting life.

She had her first official music concert this month.  It was a farm theme.  I think we pulled it off rather nicely!

She had her first official music concert this month. It was a farm theme. I think we pulled it off rather nicely!

I bought my first superhero shirt this week, the first one I’ve owned as an adult.  I think the last one I owned was a pair of Underoos back in the 1980s.  I’m finally publicly embracing my inner geek.  It has the Captain America shield on it and it is AWESOME!  (And if you want to embrace YOUR inner geek, I highly recommend going to see The Winter Soldier.)

*****

The Professor:  “It almost blew up my whole house! But it created some beautiful scenery!”  

Ah yes, Minecraft.  Everyone in my house is addicted to this game but me.  Am I mental?  I just do not see what’s so great about building stuff with blocks.  Maybe we need to just GET SOME BLOCKS?

No, not really.

No, not really.  Maybe she REALLY likes cheese?  My friend Teri at Snarkfest gets the finder’s fee for this one.

Where have I been these days?  I’ve been writing fiction.  Fiction that as of yet no one else has seen.  And may never.  What is so cool about fiction? The fact that you can totally control the storyline.  People never grow old and never die.  Oh wait, that’s the tagline for the movie Cocoon.  While I love my family dearly, now that my daughter is in school all day and I am working, and they’re all playing Minecraft, the funniness does not flow like I would like it to!

The OTHER reason why I'm not blogging so much...

The OTHER reason why I’m not blogging so much… Hi.

So what are you waiting for?  You’re just getting started getting your fill of fun, right??? Don’t forget to check out at least a couple of these lovely ladies!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                          The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                          Follow me home . . .

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                 Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                            Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.impoverishedvegan.com                                Impoverished Vegan

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                             Juicebox Confession

http://www.gomamao.com                                         Go Mama O

Ode to The Baking Queen

advent_catsI got invited to contribute to an Advent calendar.  Not just any old Advent Calendar.  This is one for a very special person, Karen from Baking in a Tornado.  Every day until Christmas a different blogger is doing something special for her.  Me the superstitious one has been asked to contribute on Friday the 13th.  I guess I had better make this one count, huh?

So what could I give Karen? I’ve known her for most of my short blogging career, which in blogging years is a long time! After a lot of contemplation, I decided to write her a song.  More specifically, a song parody, because she has a fabulous sense of humor.  But what song????  Then it hit me…

Karen has been referred to as many things, because she’s awesome.  Fairy Blogmother is one thing that I distinctly remember.  But to me she is “The Baking Queen”.

Now she is much too young to remember disco, but she may have heard this song before on a Time-Life commercial. You know, the ones where you get 1000 songs on two CDs?

Now, there are a few things you need to do before you actually finish this post.

Remember this guy?

Ike_2

IKE! (Don’t kick the baby.)

Humor me, k?  It will make sense in a minute.

1.  Now, print out this picture…

IMG_1872 (2)

Print me out! (Pretend I’m saying that in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. Why Arnold? I don’t know, what voice do you want me to use?)

2.  Take a pair of scissors and cut across my mouth. Like Ike.  Really.

3.  Find Dancing Queen.  Here, use this.

Don’t actually look at the lyrics on the screen.  Just play the music.  Don’t know the song well?  Well then you’d better use this.  Just sing REALLY loud over the real lyrics.  K?

4.  Sing the following lyrics in the place of the actual lyrics.  Move the top part of my picture up and down so it looks like I’m singing as you do this.  Better yet, get someone to do that part for you.  You know, just in case you’re like me and totally can’t multitask (yes this counts as multitasking, believe it or not!)

This is as close as you’re going to get to seeing me perform this… though I do play a mean autoharp.

Still with me?  Good… carry on…

Baking Queen
My parody of Dancing Queen by Abba
written just for Karen!

You can bake, you can blog
Having the time of your liiiiiife
Oooo, read that blog, write that theme,
You are the baking queen!

Friday morn and you got the most
In a secret swap that you have to post
Always with some great food, getting in the mood
For crab pockets and pie
She is the mistress of the fly
With tales to make you laugh and crrrrryyyyy
With a bit of cream cheese, and everything to please
Now I really want a snack
And when she gets the knack

She is the baking queen, food that’s sweet, lots of tasty treats
Baking queen, feel the heat from your oven scene, oh yeah
You can bake, you can blog, having the time of your liiiiife
Oooooo, Read that blog, write that theme, add a little heavy cream

You come home and turn the oven on
Don’t burn the cookies when you’re gone
She makes up the best drinks I’ll never pour down my sinks
I’m in the mood to bake
And when she makes a cake…

She is the baking queen, treats so sweet, she bakes like a dream
Baking queen, she has helped with my blog esteem, oh yeah
You can bake, you can blog, having the time of your liiiiife
Read that blog, write that theme, diggin’ the online scene

*****************************************************************

I know, I know, don’t quit my day job.  That’s good, because I can’t afford to quit.

I hope you enjoy my gift to you for today.  Happy Advent Holiday Calendar Friday the 13th to you, Karen!

say-jason

Gerard Butler Has Nice Abs…Oh, Here’s The Weekly Wrap-Up

300 Likes On Facebook

300 Likes On Facebook!

I only fell one short of my goal to have 300 Likes on Facebook by Valentine’s Day.  Saturday evening I got online and saw that I finally reached 300!  Yay!  So that means that 300 people follow me on Facebook, and 225 follow me on Twitter, and 176 people follow my blog, but some of them are the same people… Um, I don’t want to do the math to figure out how many followers I actually have.  I’m very grateful for all of the fans that I can get!

Monday  They Don’t Know That We Know They Know We Know About The Sadder But Wiser Girl  I was challenged by Menopausal Mother to answer a bunch of questions.  So I did.  This is the result.

Tuesday  Phones Behaving Badly, and The Armadillo Fairy Princess Rides Again  My phone is so smart that it runs itself down by thinking too much…

Wednesday  Wordless Wednesday:  The Real World  

Thursday Theme Thursday: Pet Peeves  It’s Valentines Day, and I celebrate by complaining about stuff that bothers me.

Friday  Fly on the Wall February 2013: The Professor Edition  Last month the princess got her fifteen minutes.  This month it’s the Professor’s turn to be quoted.  If you haven’t read the posts by other bloggers yet, you really should!  Follow the links at the bottom of the post and check them out.  Want to participate or just want to know more?  Click on the s Fly on the Wall button on my sidebar.

Saturday A well deserved day off, sort of.  I got to hang out with my Mom and had some great Chinese food.  Then she went home and I went grocery shopping.  I lead a pretty exciting life.

Besides these posts, I can’t say that I did too much with my blog this week.  It was a full week at work for me and Evil Genius.  Since The Professor had a no school day this week, Grandma came up to stay with him.  She kicked the adults out of the house on Friday so that Evil Genius and I could celebrate Valentine’s Day a day late.  We spent a lot of time driving around trying to find a place that didn’t have an hour long wait.  Apparently EVERYONE was celebrating VDay a day late!

My Valentines.

My Valentines.

Best search terms this week

Chad Knaus shirtless People, there are no naked or shirtless pictures of Chad on my blog!!!  Sheesh…

Pictures of little tornadoes in your hair  ?????

Don’t touch my elf girl  Remember that episode of Spongebob with the guy named Kevin?  “Touch!”  “Don’t touch!”  I am so, so very pathetic…

The cheapest iron man suit on the internet  You’re not going to find it here.

The five stages of pizza  There are stages?

I have no idea what’s to come this next week… you’ll just have to keep checking back to find out.  Bring some of your friends!  I may have gained more followers, but I’m sure not getting the page views!

Auntie Shrew, Auntie Shrew, Mommy’s Sick!

I wish there was someone to fill in for me today!

I wish there was someone to fill in for me today!

I’m pretty sure that Santa is sitting on my chest and there’s a reindeer up my nose.  Yup, I’ve been sick, and apparently it has to get worse before it gets better.  My brain is full of something that is not brains.  Due to this, I can’t even think straight and therefore am forced to take a day off.  Sort of, because Moms really don’t get a day off.

The princess has made sure I have good company for the five minutes that she allows me to lay down.

The princess has made sure I have good company for the five minutes that she allows me to lay down.

I know that I’d like to invest in one of these babies, but considering I can’t even use the bathroom alone I doubt I’d be allowed to use it properly.

Borg regenerator.  I'd like the Mommy model, please.

Borg regenerator. I’d like the Mommy model, please.

I have a million and one unfinished craft and baking projects to do, because remember, I’m making all of my own stuff this year.  Our family Christmas is this coming weekend and I have sooooo much to do.  I’d take some elves to help out about now, not including the one walking around my house with my camera, taking pictures of her feet, the walls, and other random stuff.  She keeps trying to take my picture, and I’m about ready go all Hollywood on her.

Since I am almost always blogging a day ahead, this means that unless I make a rapid recovery that there may or may not be a blog post tomorrow…or the next day…  But I am also a big liar a lot of the time.  Maybe my daughter or son or husband will do a guest post.  HA HA.  I hope to be back soon-renewed, fresh, and full of something other than whatever my head is full of.

Oh-and stay tuned on Friday.  I’m participating in the Secret Subject Swap through Baking in a Tornado.  I can’t tell you any more, because if I told you I’d have to kill you.  It will be good fun!  Hopefully I’ll be able to focus enough to enjoy it.

I said I wanted elves.  Wrong elves.

I said I wanted elves. Wrong elves.

SuperintendentHalopedia: The Superintendent is a second generation “dumb” Artificial Intelligence.

The ADD Kitchen Chapter 2: Cooking Calamities

I often disable this before I even start.  There is a good reason for this.

I often disable this before I even start. There is a good reason for this.

There’s a reason why I don’t bake stuff for people during the holidays.  Or any time of the year.  It’s because with the exception of the apple crisp I made once that turned out awesome and the banana bread I make, I suck at it.  I’m not much better at cooking regular stuff, you know, like dinner.

When you are ADD, there are things that just happen because we people miss stuff.  Important stuff.  Ok, often REALLY important stuff.  Certain things go wrong due to:

1)  Ingredients-Either a) I had it the last time I looked (in April) b)  Didn’t look to see if we had it at all or c) Missed something entirely (Oh, I needed THAT for the recipe?)  This sometimes calls for interesting substitutions, or a phone call to Mom for help.

Aw dang it, this recipe is for TIGER soup!  I only have leopards.

Aw dang it, this recipe is for TIGER soup! I only have leopards.

2)  Directions-Inevitably I will miss some really important part of the recipe.  Case in point-Mexican Stuffed Shells.  This is a very favorite in our house.  For some reason, we haven’t made it in a very long time.  Since we had leftover french fried onions from Thanksgiving, this is a great recipe to use the rest in.  I’ve personally never made it, because the one with the talent in the kitchen department is my husband.  I attempted it this time and as usual, only paid attention to part of the directions.  I mixed up the ingredients and just threw them all together.  Then I read the instructions again.  I was only supposed to mix a HALF cup of the stuff together.  Oops.  So to fix it, I just added extra of everything.  That works, right?  I threw in what was left of the salsa in the fridge, I opened another can of tomato sauce.  It came out ok.  Of course, you really can’t screw up that kind of cooking.  By all means try it though, just because I can’t follow directions doesn’t mean it’s not awesome.  We use ground turkey in ours, because I don’t eat red meat.

3)  Containers-I don’t often look at whether or not there is an insert in spices and extracts.  I just dump, assuming that there are a whole lot of holes to keep the whole container from going in there.  I was making a new recipe the other night, Turkey Pasta Soup.  First let me point out that I had already met criteria #1 because I needed the Italian stewed tomatoes, and I only had regular diced.  Damn Fareway, why do all of their cans look alike?  I figured I would just add extra “Italian” spices.  It needed basil.  I took the spice container and just started shaking it in there.  PLOOP!  A half container of basil.  Yup, I have no idea where the little shaker hole thing went.  “Man, that is a LOT of basil,” Evil Genius remarked in passing.

Today we attempted some holiday treats. Mostly because I want to do stuff for people so I don’t look like a total douche this holiday.  And also because Princess Christmas has been begging me since the day after Thanksgiving to do it.

So first we spent part of the day making sure we had everything we needed.  Then I settled on doing white chocolate covered pretzels with crushed candy cane and holiday sprinkles.  Easy, right?  I read online that “Chocolate covered pretzels are one of the easiest treats to make on the face of the earth.”  Whoever said that LIED!

This is what I was TRYING to make.  Something tells me they wouldn't look this pretty.  Image from BakedPerfection.com

This is what I was TRYING to make. Something tells me they wouldn’t look this pretty. Image from BakedPerfection.com

I try to be all organized and whatnot.  First I lay out everything I need.  While I do this, I set my daughter loose on the floor working on making graham cracker crumbs for another project.  I give her a bag of broken graham crackers and a hammer.  She loved this task almost too much.

Then I tried to melt the chocolate.  As I was gathering my recipes, on one website it said it was easier and better to melt the chocolate in the microwave than on the stove.  Since I’m always looking for ways to make stuff go faster (mainly because I lose interest quickly) I pour half the package of white chocolate in the microwave and started to zap it.  Meanwhile, I switch my daughter to saltine cracker crumbs.  My we will have plenty of crumbs to make stuff with!

All of a sudden I smell something NOT GOOD.  I look in the microwave and see a big black spot in the middle of the white chocolate.  I burned it!  Noooo!  I stop the microwave and try to yank the bowl out.  OUCH!  The bowl is hot.  A hot, stinky gooey mess.

I could very well go on a spree after some of the calamaties I've had.

I could very well go on a spree after some of the calamaties I’ve had.

I go back to the computer and google it.  Ohhhhh, you should do it in twenty second intervals until it’s almost all melted.  And stir, and all of that stuff.  In other words I have to monitor it.  Sigh… Ok, at least I have a half package left.  So I pour that into another bowl and stick it back in for the first of probably a million twenty second intervals.  While this is going, I eat what didn’t burn of the other chocolate (and I wonder why I’ve gained weight??)

If only I could say it turned out perfectly and the pretzels were awesome.  Oh no, you’re talking about something I’m cooking.  While I did earn the title “She Who Microwaves” from a coworker because of my love for taking shortcuts with a microwave any way I could, this does not make me an expert in any way.  l After microwaving several times at 20 second intervals, I wound up with a hard lump of white chocolate.

After consulting Google again, I discover that apparently you can overcook the stuff.  This is when I gave up for the day.  Not because I give up easily, but because I had a 2nd grade Christmas concert that evening and had to move on to other things…

In summary, research your desserts completely, because you never know when they’re going to turn on you!  If you want good baking, go over and visit my friend Karen at Baking In A Tornado.  She bakes great stuff!

Oh, and burnt white chocolate doesn’t taste bad at all.

I always do...

I always do…