Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My…Purse (At Target)

This weekend I have been busily preparing for a library event that will occur on Monday afternoon.  There is no school in our district tomorrow, and since we are trying to hold more programs when there are early outs and no school, I devised this idea of having a day of “fall fun”.  I told kids to BYOP-Bring Your Own Pumpkin-to decorate.  There will also be hot apple cider in my crockpot, some crafts, some little games, and kids are allowed to wear their costumes.  Fun, right?

I am freaking out.

I have no idea what kind of turn out there will be and whether or not we will be able to keep them occupied.  When I obsess over things, I tend to a) Not sleep at all b) Have bizarre dreams c)  Sleep some and have bizarre dreams when I do sleep.

I have a feeling I’ll be having some sort of weird dream or two tonight.  And in anticipation of that I started putting together a post of dreams.  After I have weird dreams I write down what I remember in a draft here on WordPress.  As I looked through my site, I saw I had quite a few drafts.  I figured that I hadn’t written about any of my weirdo dreams in quite a while.  Those of you who have followed my blog for quite some time may recall that yeah, I have had some dreams that are pretty freaky!

What kind of dreams?  Well, for example, earlier this year in an obvious attempt by my psyche to prepare for the CMT Awards (which I didn’t watch) I had a dream about Blake Shelton.

Ok you horndogs, not THAT kind of dream…

For those of you who are new to my blog, this is the part where you will probably want to stop following me and run and hide lest you let people know that you follow a weirdo like me.

So for you who are not too afraid to keep reading here is a brief synopsis of the dream:

I dreamed that Blake Shelton was married to Sandra Bullock.  They moved here and bought a farm near me. Then they adopted a girl from China and enrolled her at the preschool that I worked at. Only it wasn’t a preschool, yet it WAS a preschool, in a Kmart.

I only hesitated to share this previously because I am deathly afraid of Miranda Lambert coming here and bashing my head in with her guitar.  She could totally do that because I’m convinced that she’s somehow related to Christopher Lambert…

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed that I had to go to my child’s elementary school with my husband. In my pajamas. When I returned home, I saw that my cat was missing part of her tail.  It was gone-chopped off.  I started bawling.  “My poor cat!”  I cried as a stepped into my living room group shower. All the while tornado sirens were going off.  The sky was black.  But you know I had to take that shower RIGHT THEN.

(You’d really think that whole living room shower thing would have made me realize that “Hey, this is a DREAM!”  Nope.  I never realize it until I wake up.)

I’ve also had dreams that involved me traveling around with a cat in my purse and going to someone’s house and leaving with one of their shoes and one of my shoes on my feet.

If my psyche really does have something to say, here are some facts according to my dreams:

All roads lead to Target (I really do have a lot of dreams about Target, it’s kind of disturbing when you think about it.)

Tony Stark is an excellent dancer.  We also volunteer together on a regular basis (Don’t ask, I don’t get it either.)

Toilets are only in the middle of rooms.

School and work are places that I am always going but never actually get to.  However, a lot of times I wind up at Target.  Shocker.

Random celebrities help me break into buildings.

Veterinarians drive “veterinarian vans” that are fully furnished on the inside.  Yes, at Target.

Hidden trap doors are common escape routes in your house.

My husband is going to find out that deep dark secret that apparently I keep under the pillow in my bedroom.

Nudity is not the exception to the rule, even at Target.

What kind of weird dreams do YOU have?  Are celebrities involved?  I’d love to hear all about it…

Is she going to have bizarre dreams like me when she grows up?

More Inventions I Could Really Use

Great Scott!  We’re talking about inventions again!  Now that I think about it, I guess I could use a time machine too…

New followers-you have missed the insanity that really got this little blog out of the hangar and on to the runway.  I Could So Be An Inventor was a hit with people who know me, anyway.  Lucky you, I’ve been saving more of them up.  Here’s Part Deux.  These aren’t as good as the original set, but I certainly think I could use some of these!

1)  Food expiration alarm-How many times have I bought a bag of spinach with lofty goals of eating salad and putting spinach on various sandwiches, only to forget the dang thing in the back of the crisper drawer (or the hole that used to be the crisper drawer in my fridge)?  Such a waste of money.  If there was an alarm that would sound a certain amount of time before food expired, it might encourage more people to use vegetables and leftovers BEFORE they expire.  You know, saving money and stuff.  In my house it would have to be a pretty shrill alarm.

2)  Appliance Resuscitation Device or ARD–  Your major appliance bit the dust?  There may still be hope.  You’ve heard of an AED?  This is the version for appliances:  a set of two paddles that you can attach and try to jolt it back to life.  I could really use this right now on my dishwasher and garbage disposal!

Looks like this appliance could use an ARD. It’s fallen and it can’t get up.

3)  Dead Rodent Detection Device-I believe I mentioned that we needed on of these in Living With An Evil Genius (Or Two).  He hasn’t delivered.  It would work much like a metal detector.  Then once the dead body is located, it is incinerated by fancy technology that I can’t even begin to comprehend.  This is because I REALLY don’t need any more holes in my walls.

4)  Real Life Censor-This will take the frustration out of those naughty words that you accidentally mutter. It syncs into your brain waves and senses when you are about to cuss, and then bleeps you out.  In some households I would be afraid of it getting overloaded…  You can upgrade to the Austin Powers Model that covers up anything indecent by projecting an image of something else over it.  Both models only work when children and elderly grandparents are in the room.

Having a real life censor for some people would be like being R2D2. Bleep.

5)  Brain Upgrade– Works much like the memory on computers.  Plugs into your ear when you need more memory.  I need about ten of these.

I just wanted an excuse to use this picture! I doubt it would look like that. Maybe more like a unicorn horn? Nah, that would just be silly. You don’t WANT people to know you have a brain upgrade, right?

6)  Fat Cloaking Device– Not your ordinary cloaking device, but what is?  Feeling fat today?  Turn this one and you are one slender hot mama.  No discomfort necessary.  Just as useful as the Mess Cloaking Device, ‘cept better.

7)  Political Ad Replacer– Too late for this year, but could prove quite useful in the future.  Detects whenever there is a political ad on your TV.  Plays footage of animals doing funny things, because who doesn’t like cute animals being funny (and who actually likes political ads)?  Can also be used to zap political mailings into pictures of Blake Shelton.  You’re welcome.  I could really like politics if that were the case.

No Politics here. Just Blake Shelton.

8)  Chocolate Powder-This isn’t your grandmother’s cocoa!  Sprinkle it on any food and it will taste just like chocolate.  It doesn’t add calories.  Hate broccoli?  Now it tastes like chocolate pudding.  Despise liver?  Now it’s chocolate cake.  Doesn’t work on fruitcake.  Nothing can alter fruitcake.

9)  Useful Information Filter-This is exclusively for ADD folks only.  This special filter attaches to your brain and screens out the crap you usually retain and keeps the important stuff in the right place.  Don’t worry, you’ll still remember all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody”, but can also remember when to pay your water bill.  Comes as a bonus item when you order the brain upgrade.

Don’t worry, it really wouldn’t look like this. I’m just messing with ya.

10)  Idea Enhancer-Takes those great ideas that you always get that usually go nowhere and helps bring them to fruition.  If your enhanced idea lasts more than four hours, contact your physician.

11)  Child Tractor Beam-Tired of your toddler trying to get away?  Kindergartener won’t come out of his room when you call?  Can’t get your ten year old to come home from his friend’s house?  Turn on this handy dandy tractor beam and they’ll be right there in a jiffy.  Not the same as the toilet tractor beam, thank goodness!

And last but not least-

12) Nakedness Alarm Disarming System-New in January 2013, this remote provides all controls to disarm the Mom Nakedness Alarm.  Simply plug in the code, and you can pee/get dressed/take a bath/poop/etc in peace without a child needing you to “Make the Bop-It listen” or any other nonsensical thing kids need the moment they know you are naked.  This is because they won’t know…

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’m sure I’ll have more.  Who can finish off a blog post about inventions without a Tony Stark reference… I can’t.

Oh come on, you know we all could use one. I’m talking about the GLOVE LIGHT people!