What I Learned in 2012: An Introverts Introspective Retrospective

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Hey it’s almost 2013!  Did you know I actually LEARNED stuff this year?  I honestly can say this year was an extremely valuable learning experience!  I’m gritting my teeth and grinning like an idiot as I say this, because some of the lessons weren’t so fun.  And they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  They are wrong.

1)  Never ever use the following words in your blog, lest ye have weirdos, pervs, and pornographic spam:  Penis, naked, sparkly boobs, poop, pee, Chad Knaus.  The others make sense, not so sure about the last one.  On a related note, any time I want a laugh, I just go look at the search engine terms that people used to find my blog.  Which ones were the best, well that’s another post (in other words, stay tuned)!

He probably reads my blog.  Must be a Chad Knaus fan.

He probably reads my blog. Must be a Chad Knaus fan.

2)  You can pour your heart and soul into a job, but in the end it don’t mean a thing.  Especially if it ain’t got that swing.  (Doo-wop doo-wop doo-wop…) We love you and all, but your position is being taken over by a taco.  It happened to me.  And I’m learning it’s not the end of the world.

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3)  You can lead a man to underwear, but you can’t make him find it.  Ok, so I was a LITTLE behind on the laundry, but I did manage to get a couple of pairs clean.  I then laid out some of the clean clothes.  I even made SIGNS!

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Some guys just don’t pay any attention!

4)  Twitter is where it’s at.  Mainly because Facebook is a total douche for the blogging population.  Pay for people to see my posts?  No thanks.

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Why cats don’t use social media.

5)  Need friends?  Blog.  The ladies I have met in the blogging universe are the most wonderful, supportive community one could ever ask to be a part of.  I get all verklempt just thinking about it.  There are too many to name, but you know who you are!

What would we do without the internets?

What would we do without the internets?

6)  Underwear and butt are the funniest words in the universe. At least in my house.  Knock knock!  Who’s there?  Underwear! Underwear who?  Underwear Pajama Butt Pants!  Funny stuff, man.

The book the kids had to get for their little cousin for his birthday?  They think it's the funniest book ever.

The book the kids had to get for their little cousin for his birthday? They think it’s the funniest book ever.

7)  Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you need medication.  I probably still need it, I just can’t afford it.  Blogging IS terrific therapy, however.

Crazy ideas, crazy lady.

Crazy ideas, crazy lady.

8)  Four year olds only appreciate chores that have an element of danger to them.  Combined with seven year olds and grumpy genius husbands, ideas for stories on here are always an imminent possibility.

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This chore did not have enough danger in it.  We put in her charge of cups, therefore she tried to make us rue the day.  You can see I’m REALLY upset about this.

9) Just like in everyday life, your blog will have ups and downs.  Some days people will make you feel like you’re on top of the world, other days you’re as popular as a booger.  You just have to roll with it, just like in real life.  Oh wait, this IS real life.  Or IS it???

Amen.

Amen.

I know I learned more than that, but these were the best and most interesting things I’ve learned this year.  (WHAT? Uninteresting things are in my head?  Believe it or not, I’m afraid so!)  I realize that we still have a handful of days left in 2012, but with it being almost the weekend and then a holiday, I’d rather assume that I’ve learned everything I’m going to learn this year.  Have you learned anything valuable this year?  Feel free to share!

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Family. They’re important!  But I already knew that…Isn’t my family good looking?

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If My Life Were A Movie, I’d Hire Better Writers

If my life were a movie… there’d be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

I keep thinking lately that if my life were a movie we should almost be at the point where something wonderful happens.  You know, things just seem like they are so bad and then that great thing happens that miraculously turns things around.  It of course results in a happy ending.  The “It’s always darkest before the dawn” type thing.

So obviously this is real life and although I’m sure there’s a plan for me somewhere, I don’t see it happening.  But this brought up a very good bunch of stuff for my blog.  What IF my life WERE like a movie?  What would happen?

I’d get some sort of anonymous donor all of a sudden paying to send me to school.  Then I could follow my dreams.  If this were a movie, I’d know what those dreams were…

I’d get to go back to school with really smart fun people…

I’d have a trainer preparing me for my first triathlon using ordinary things.  I’d be weightlifting family sized cans of vegetable beef soup and full containers of cat litter. I’d be running through an obstacle course made of hula hoops, carefully arranged dog poop, empty Cheerios boxes, and leftover siding.  I’d be pulling a wagon loaded with all of the uneaten food from my house, which would be REALLY heavy (great training potential).  I’d be forced to run up and down the playground equipment at the park over and over.

Just as I’d just given up forever on finding a job and threw myself into something else (most likely the chest high mountain of laundry on the back porch), the dream job would happen to come up on the job website.  I’d decide to apply for one last job and get an interview.  They wouldn’t offer me the job at first, but something miraculous would happen and I would end up getting an even better job because I impressed someone there… because they would think I’m awesome.

We’d break out into song at the most interesting moments.  My daughter going poop in the potty would rate a huge song and dance number.  I would finally get a job interview, and there would be dancers following me as I sang all the way there about how I was going to change my life.  Dinnertime-you bet there’d be some sort of production.  And everyone would like and eat the food too.

“Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!” Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

Somehow my schedule would miraculously allow me to do all kinds of work to prove the naysayers wrong.  I’d be out there, pounding the pavement, doing something to make everyone who ever doubted me have faith in me again.  Not sure what that would be, but I’d be proving them wrong.

My husband would be very romantic. You know, random flowers and stuff like that.  I bet he’d be conscious too, unless it was a comedy relief type of thing, because unconsciousness can be very funny.

I’d have a better wardrobe (does the HD camera also add ten pounds?)  And better hair.  Much better hair.

I have pretty cute children anyway.  I suppose they would be just as cute, and would say much of the same stuff they say in real life.  Except my daughter wouldn’t poop her pants at the most inopportune moments, and my son wouldn’t eat his boogers.

I’d be giving up my blog just about the time a famous editor would read it.  He would make great strides to try to find me and hire me to come to work for his company.  Also, my fans would rally around my house begging me to return to what inspired their life:  My blog.  Oh yes, and I would have a lot of fans.

I’d have a lightsaber.  I’d also have some sort of superpowers.  And I’d be able to do that slow motion floating and turning in the air thing like on The Matrix movies.  There’d be some sort of epic battle in my backyard.  I’d win.

It would have an awesome, though eclectic, soundtrack.

Yes my life is definitely not a movie.  If you’re willing to buy my story, however, we’ll talk.

Would my life story have the elements that Nicholas Cage looks for in a movie? Would he wonder how he wasn’t in my movie? I’m sure that 1) all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed and 2) food would be served in the movie.