Character Assassination Carousel: Bears on Wheels

It’s assassination time…

Huh?

Allow me to explain… the lovely and very funny Nicole Leigh Shaw, Tyop Aretist (formerly Ninja Mom, though she will always be a ninja in my heart) hosts a series of hired hitpeople to go out and destroy the kiddie lit that is the thorn in the butts of parents. I get to join that very prestigious group today.

Previously Meredith of From Meredith to Mommy, took a careful look at our nation’s political system using the book Duck for President.

I will be taking a bit of a different route and destroying the book Bears on Wheels by Stan and Jan Berenstein.  FYI-Bears on Wheels has nothing to do with Meals on Wheels.  That is something completely different.  Also, if you type “bears on wheels” into Google Image Search, you will see things that you cannot ever unsee.  I don’t recommend it.

I wanted to clarify that I’ve only waited this long to participate due to the fact that my Mom IS A LIBRARIAN.  Therefore I can find something valuable in most children’s books. However, after I had to read this book 3,292 1/3 times while I was subbing in a preschool classroom, I can honestly say it is not one of my favorite Berenstein works.  In order to be fair, it does teach counting.  But I’m not so sure any child needs to learn counting like this…

So without totally spoiling it for anyone who actually might WANT to read this book, I’ll give a vague summary:

It starts out rather simple.  One little bear who eerily resembles sister bear finds a unicycle standing up all by itself and rides it.  One bear=one wheel.  Easy enough.

Seems innocent enough, but then it all goes downhill from here.  Pun intended.

(Speaking of the Berenstein Bears, is anyone else besides me disturbed by the fact that Brother and Sister Bear have no names while other bears in the books do????  No?  Just me?)

Then this  poor girl is viciously attacked by rogue hitchhiking bears.  Three bears=one wheel.  I know that whenever I see someone riding a unicycle, that is what I do too-run after them and jump on their shoulders!

Might I point out that if that were me on the bottom, I would have totally fallen over.  But I don’t ride unicycles.  Be very, very thankful for that.

WHERE ARE THEIR HELMETS ANYWAY????

We also have singing and guitar playing bears riding a tricycle with their eyes closed.  Isn’t this just as bad as texting while driving?  No, I do believe that is worse!  Not to mention the one in back is LITTERING! Here is where we have three bears=three wheels.

Still with me?  Get it?  Are you keeping up on the whole bear to wheel ratio thing?  Would you like me to write a formula to go with it? Evil Genius is asleep or I would ask him for one.

Let’s skip ahead a bit because it just keeps getting worse…

Here we have a very tired looking bear supporting not one, not two, but nine other bears.  Ten bears=one wheel.  I think the laws of physics are seriously being violated here.

This book is certainly encouraging dangerous behavior. Where are all the disclaimers?  Every time I see an advertisement showing anything that seems remotely dangerous it shows some fine print at the bottom of the screen stating not to do it.  This book is screaming out for fine print:  These stunts were performed by professional cartoon bears on a closed course.  Do not attempt, unless of course you are a cartoon bear.

After every law of physics has been violated, chaos happens…

I really hope that these bears have good insurance coverage!

This was also the favorite part of the children in the preschool class.  Much like some NASCAR fans, they read the book just for the crashes.  They also loved the ninjas.  Yes there are ninja bears in this book too.

One bike is still going strong though:

Oops… wrong book.

I seriously have nothing against this book, but preschoolers seem to think it’s the most wonderful book on the face of this earth and want it read every day ALL DAY LONG.  Prior to taking down this book I read reviews on it online and people were raving about it because it teaches counting.  It can also be used for fractions, and supposedly you can have kids make up their own word problems to go with it (which sounds like SO MUCH FUN!).  I can think of about fifteen other books that are way more fun to read that are much better at teaching counting.  I can’t see how wonderful this book is, then maybe there’s just something wrong with me.  Oh yes, now I remember, there IS something wrong with me…

Oh, what happened to the bears?  Don’t worry, they’re just fine.  Though I wonder how many of them sue each other after that huge accident???

I hope you enjoyed my destruction of this book.  Coming soon to an assassination near you is my very funny friend Lisa Newlin!

The “Lucky Ninja” has completed her assassination.

This Mom’s Birthday List

On May 1st I will turn the ripe old age of 39.  I know, don’t I look young for my age?

I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I believe I will go the extra mile and think really hard about what I want for my birthday.  I know it’s not about the gifts, but I’ve been extra good this year.  I have even kept my house clean for almost a week straight.  I am kind beyond belief, even when I want to strangle other people that I live with.  I bathe the dog.  I spend hours planning out and then executing my plan of attack for grocery shopping to maximize what we get for the money.  I make lunch AND coffee every morning for my husband.  I send him thoughtful messages.  Although I am not a fabulous cook, I don’t let my family starve.  Did I mention I have two children???

1) Permission To Be An Adult  A night out where we have a sitter and my husband is not on the verge of falling asleep, where there is a movie on that we actually WANT to see and enough funds to catch dinner somewhere beforehand (a place where we could make *gasp* reservations??  Do they DO that in Iowa?) Not having to rush home, and maybe even some grown up fun when we GET home.  Hmmmm…I don’t ask for much, do I?

2)  BOOKS.  Not just any books.  Books by my favorite people.

I told a huge lie.  I didn’t mean to.  I told Amber Dusick that I had just bought her book. Technically I had.  It was sitting in my cart on Amazon. I was GOING to buy it.  Twice.  I wanted the free bookplate, because she’s my hero. And I said ‘penis’ on her blog comments.  Therefore it was the least I could do, right?  But then real life intervened and decided that groceries and gasoline were more important than me getting to read her book.  Sigh… For those of you living under a rock, I’m talking about the Parenting, Illustrated With Crappy Pictures book.  I’d also take any of the books from the Life Well Blogged series, because I like to support other fellow bloggers!

3)  Complaint Free Shopping. A shopping day alone or with a willing companion (who is not four years old).  I’m no shop-a-holic.  I do, however, like to have time to actually browse in stores that don’t have a toy or a dollar section.

It’s fun to go to stores without an eight year old declaring that it is the worst day of his life because I made him put the DS down and get out of the car.  To leave the house just once without Evil Genius declaring “Let’s get this over with before I vomit!” To go eat at a place that doesn’t have fries or chicken nuggets on the menu.  To be able to try on clothes without a child licking the mirror.  To go to a scrapbook store without a time limit or a little one dismembering a whole rack of stickers.  To not have to scramble to get back home to make supper.  To go to any place that sells anything without a little voice begging “Can I have that, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease????”  (For the record, Evil Genius does that too-he still won’t forgive me for telling him he couldn’t have a Lego Death Star). To have a highly caffeinated beverage without someone pouting.

Evil Genius at the Lego Store at the Mall of America. He dreams of a Lego Death Star. His mean wife keeps telling him no.

(Truth:  I love my family, but sometimes I just need a day away.)

4)  Recharge  A massage or something relaxing…HA HA HA!  I DID actually get a certificate for a massage once.  It was very, very nice.

For the record, my husband has informed me multiple times that he does NOT do subtle.  I have to flat out tell him or smack him.  So honey, here’s my list…  I want to see Iron Man 3 and Star Trek: Into Darkness, for when you take me out.  Maybe we can even hold hands in public or something.  Ooooooooooooooo…

I’d be happy with a bottle of wine and a nice homecooked dinner, but let’s pretend for a minute that I could have those other things I want, k?

Today I also dumped my purse out for Kelley’s Breakroom on her Facebook page.  My husband thought that was really weird, but I thought it was kind of fun!  So come over and check it out!  Tomorrow catch me over at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion, where I’ll be rambling about that special place where people understand me.  Also, don’t forget if you have a crazy question for Evil Genius, send it to me at thesadderbutwisergirlisme at gmail dot com with “Dear Dr Genius” in the subject line.