Deck the Halls With Lots of Vomit, Fa La La La La…

Did you miss me the last few days?  Do you feel like I kind of left you hanging there?

Let’s review…

Previously on The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Protecting the earth from evil by dying them hideous shades of tie-dye!  Look up in the sky, it's a peacock, it's a rainbow, it's TIE-DYE GIRL!

Sewer grossness be gone!  (Because I have to put this picture in whenever I can…)

We last left our sort of heroine counting her blessings after the sewer backed up into her basement and left behind an odor similar to what one can only imagine the bog of eternal stench would smell like.

I was a little busy, but I managed to keep writing some stuff.

Enter the family Christmas this past weekend:  A little more than twenty four hours spent doing Christmas with two different families two and a half hours away from home.  Plus a visit to a third on the way home. Busy, busy, busy.

My stomach was rumbly.  I figured it was just all of the fish chowder I ate.  Or stress.  Or lack of sleep.  Or kids.  Or that I’m crazy.  I downed a Coke or two or seven and ignored it.

And while we were doing Christmas we received quite a few gifts.  However we got one additional one that we were not expecting.  A wonderful group of people in the blogging world got together to help us out in our time of stinkiness by making sure that we didn’t have to wait until after the fact to celebrate our Christmas day at home.  It’s something that I’ll never forget.

Again, for the zillionth time, thank you my friends.

Thanks to this thoughtful gift, the Monday after our weekend jaunt was spent at Target getting the presents that we had been putting off.  Even though I’d been up all night the night before with a stomachache, I was dead tired, and I felt like my food had been sitting at the bottom of my throat for two days, I was going to get my shopping finished!

As it turns out, I was pretty much spot on.  After I finished all of my shopping, I topped it off by puking for five minutes in the store bathroom.  Pretty much everything I had eaten the past day or two.  Isn’t that magical?  I’m sure that the people in the bathroom who heard me making sounds like I was dying thought so.

Then I came home and slept and puked and slept and puked in a vicious cycle that lasted through Christmas Eve.  I know there were things going on around me.  My kids played, they checked on me, they asked me for stuff.  At times I even responded with a half conscious “Honey I love you, I’m not being lazy I’m just really sick.”

I vaguely remember Evil Genius wrapping all the presents, doing the last minute grocery shopping, cooking all the meals, renting some movies, and even washing some dishes.  If there was a medal for that, I’m sure I’d dip it in chocolate and give it to him.

I said I wanted to rest and not gain any weight this Christmas, I didn’t mean it quite like that!

Luckily, I recovered enough to enjoy my kids opening their presents, and a wonderful dinner and dessert cooked by Evil Genius.  I was even conscious for most of it.

December 2013

See the tie-dyed shirt that Evil Genius is wearing? Is that not the coolest shirt ever in the history of geekdom. And sadly not in my size.

Now that Christmas is over, it’s back to the real world.  I’m still not feeling well *urp* but there are no more excuses and I have to work as well as attempt to do those things known as chores.  The kids are for the most part well entertained by their gifts, except when they’re not.  Yesterday as I attempted to do the working from home part of my job I heard my daughter yell at least once “Mommy I’m LONELY!”

Translation-she’s ready to go back to school already.  We’re only a little ways into the SIXTEEN day break that the kids have this year.  Wow.  They have it rough.  We may not survive this…

The Professor is good, because he has a lot of screens to look at and that makes him happy.  Except when he’s not.

Oh… and the Christmas card?  Remember that from last week’s Fly on the Wall post?  After all that had happened, I thought I had better be a good girl and take them with me while I was visiting family and work on them in the spare time I foolishly thought I would have.

Then I left them at my mom’s house, because apparently the flu which infected my gut had already seeped into my brain, I just didn’t know it.

Once my brain began comprehending things, I mentioned something to my mom and she immediately sent them to me, only they no longer can be considered Christmas cards.  We’re now in the beginning stages of turning them into New Year’s cards, with only a few days before I have to send them.  The beginning stages as in I bought stuff to make them with and have felt too lousy and had too little time to do anything with them.

We’ll see how long before I just give up and figure that this year Christmas has just officially kicked my butt.

I hope you are all having a joyous holiday thus far!  I hope you actually got your Christmas cards sent out, enjoyed a lovely time with your family, and are enjoying the stretch of time between the two holidays without any sort of poop or puke in your midst.  Let me know how your holiday went by telling me in the comments!

And I leave you with my absolute favorite picture from the holiday…

Where else do you play with catnip mice but in a Christmas kitty bag?

Where else do you play with catnip mice but in a Christmas kitty bag?

Limited Edition Cat Butt Christmas Cards

We've done a few, but we have many cards to go...

We’ve done a few, but we have many cards to go…

A picture is worth a thousand words, and since my son has been little, I have started making picture Christmas cards.  The first year it was simply a photo on nice Christmas cardstock with a little message in it.  Since then I’ve gotten a bit more elaborate, even shelling out the dough for the store bought ones you do online.

This year we’re going back to basics.  Princess Artistic is EXTREMELY interested in making cards for everyone, and since we are buried in a blizzard I figured this would be a prime opportunity for her to do just that.  And with her brother home to help this made it even better.  I figure at this point it’s pretty hopeless to get all of that done in time.  They will get there when they get there, and that’s ok.

Fortunately in the past I have way over bought on the card making supplies, and have inherited some as well through some relatives.  I took down the big box of cards from the shelf, dug out all of the Christmas stickers, punches, stamps, and Christmas colored ink and paints.  I let them create with some supervision.  They look pretty nice!  We have many more to make, though.

We’ve done some card making before.  We’ve always sent the photo cards in the mail and sometimes make homemade ones for people we see often (in other words, they already know what my kids look like.)  One year my cat even tried to get into the whole Christmas card making thing.  One year my son wanted to make cards for everyone at school, from the principal to the lunch ladies (and we all know with what they put up with, they deserve them most of all).  I gathered Christmas shaped sponges, Christmas colored paint, construction paper, and glitter.  He sat and stamped for quite awhile.  Once done we proudly laid them out to dry in the game room.  Not even five minutes after we finished the cat decided that the cards would be an excellent place-for him to sit on.  He proudly turned the sparkly green Christmas tree prints into sparkly green cat butt prints.  He had a green sparkly butt for a bit after that, and we ended up making different cards to replace the three that he sat upon.  Now that he is gone, I kind of wish I had saved those butt print cards!

Ah sweet kitty, he was always willing to lend a hand, or rather a butt.

Ah sweet kitty, he was always willing to lend a hand, or rather a butt.

TSBWG Exclusive Guide to Getting Ready for the Holidays

Some Christmas trees will just stand there and stare at you if you don’t decorate them in a timely manner. This is kind of creepy.

I lied to all of my readers.  I said we always decorate the day after Thanksgiving.  As it turned out, we got busy doing other things and did not get around to it.  However, Saturday morning rolled around and it was obviously time to prepare for another holiday.  Time to decorate!  Princess Christmas made sure that Evil Genius was aware that it was time to set up the tree.  She marched upstairs, went into the bedroom where he had just awakened (because we are very nice to him and let him sleep sometimes) and informed him that he needed to “Go downstairs and get the Christmas!”

In our house there is a certain way that you need to prepare for the upcoming holiday.  It’s very important to follow the steps.  I thought I’d publish this very important guide to getting ready.  You know, just in case you need some guidance.  As you read this, just imagine you’re hearing a little four year old voice saying “Let the Christmas Tree decorating COMMENCE!” (She really did say that…)

 

 

 

1)  Getting Started:  Say the words “Christmas”.  That’s all you have to do.  When you have little kids and you say the word, it causes planets to align and sets everything in to motion.

 

Christmas!

2)  Decide where the tree is going to go this year.  If your house is like ours this changes from year to year.  Make sure that you choose the most inconvenient location in the house.  This year Evil Genius chose to put it in the living room.  This is fine, but we had to move a half dozen pieces of furniture that we don’t have any place for.  That’s ok, do we really need to get out our front door or go into the adjoining room?  Nah.

3) Bring the tree and decorations up out of the basement, or wherever you store them.  Try not to kill yourself doing so.  If you’re one of those people who isn’t deathly allergic to pine like I am (my eyes swell shut and everything) then go chop down a tree.  THEN try not to kill yourself bringing decorations out.

4) Inspect containers for stowaways.  Last year I went down to the basement to get the wreath hanger.  I opened up one of the Christmas containers, and a little mouse peeked out through the Christmas lights at me, as if to say “HEY I’m SLEEPING in here!”  I made my husband go through the container looking for mousies after the fact.  He didn’t find any, but he did throw something small and mouse sized at me and made me FREAK OUT!

It was not this cute.

5)  Restrain the four year old.  Duct tape works well.  If you don’t, every decoration that you own will be taken out and inspected, and then left on the floor.

6)  Put up the tree.  Realize you put it together wrong.  Undo.  Redo correctly.

7)  Put the lights on the tree.  See how many bulbs are burnt out.  Take the lights back off.  Replace with lights that work.  Our lights would not light up on one side.  The Grinch would have had a perfectly good reason to steal our tree.

He could have so taken our tree. Then we fixed it.

8)  Decorate.  We start with “the big necklace” (which normal people refer to as the garland).  Then add the ornaments.  Half will be dropped.  Some will be broken.  There will be yelling.  This year at one point Princess Christmas tried to hang just hooks on the tree.  No ornaments on them.  Because they were there, of course.

This one turned out pretty sweet. The picture, I mean. She’s pretty sweet too sometimes.

9)  Take pictures of the decorating.  Because you can.  I took 57 pictures and had not one shot that I would consider Christmas card material.  Yet.  My children will be forced to pose for at least 28 more times before I let them off the hook.  I AM GOING TO GET GOOD CHRISTMAS CARD PICTURES THIS YEAR IF IT KILLS ME!  I can’t order a card with different shots on it from Target this year.  I can’t afford it.  I must make them myself.

10)  Booby trap the area.  Do this so that no one can actually approach the tree and contaminate it.  Use ornaments, hooks, and decorations.

11) Rearrange The kids do this to the ornaments about every 36 minutes or so.

12) Turn off the overhead lights.   Stand back and admire your tree.  Remember what the room looked like in the light, because for the next month you will not be allowed to turn on any lights in there except for the ones on the tree.  Your children may or may not have vision problems as a direct result of sitting in front of the tree and staring at it.

Ooooooooooooooooooo….

13)  Now, go decorate the rest of the house.  Like that matters!  The tree is up, my kids care about nothing else except that and the stockings!  Spend the rest of the weekend on Pinterest, trying to find ideas to accomplish this feat.  I’m trying to find ideas to make a wreath.  I’m thinking shiny and noisy-jingle bells and Christmas balls.  Stay tuned.