Flaming Pillow Pets and Other Christmas List Nos

At the top of the cat's Christmas list?  A box?  And that's fine with me.

At the top of the cat’s Christmas list? A box. And that’s fine with me.  The kids are a little more complicated.

You know what is wonderful about programming on PBS for kids?  NO COMMERCIALS for toys!!!!!

Up until the last year or so, for the most part I kept my children blissfully ignorant of the hottest items out there, because the only thing I let them watch was PBS or movies rented from the kids section of Family Video (because they’re FREEEEEEEEEEEE!)

Occasionally, however, something would slip through my stronghold of noncommercialism.  My first experience with this were the Pillow Pets.  My kids saw these commercials and went nuts.  Because it’s a pillow AND it’s a pet!

OMG IT'S A PILLOW AND A PET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG IT’S A PILLOW AND A PET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, both of my children own three of them.  I like the original pillow pets when they were just a pillow and a pet and nothing else.Then apparently everything in the world had to transform from a pillow into something else, because who wants a pillow that’s just… a pillow.  Boring, right?  I got so annoyed by this last year that I had to write a whole rant about pillows that transform.

The latest annoyance by this company has got to be the “Dream Lites”.  Both of my children have wanted one since they came out.  Perhaps you’ve heard of these?  An animal pillow that lights up and projects stars on the ceiling.  Cool huh, NOT!  Every time we go to a Wal-Mart my kids have to stop and look at the Dream Lites. Both kids have picked out exactly which one they think they must have and exactly how they will use them.  I don’t get this-they’re not even soft, so I can’t understand why anyone would want a hard pillow that lights up.  Imagine my delight when I heard that one caught fire.  NO!  You can’t have one because they’re a FIRE HAZARD!  There, I said it.  Mean Mom…

Now that my children are watching things like Vortex (the current equivalent of our childhood Saturday morning cartoons) on Saturday mornings, they are inundated with all of the ridiculous things that are being marketed to kids.  And they want them.  This year they took the toy catalog long before we were even allowed to speak of Christmas and pretty much circled everything in it.  Apparently they thought they were being helpful by using different colored pens to denote who wanted what.  But when they both circle everything, does it really matter?

Then I came up with the brilliant idea of having them write Christmas lists.  The Professor didn’t really quite get that he had to ask for presents for himself.  When I pointed that out he scrapped the list.  The Princess took the idea and ran, except that when I got the list, I needed an interpreter.  Enter Grandma, the former second grade teacher, who was able to decipher the list in a jiffy.

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The Princess writes her first Christmas list. Impressive, but she is not a Jedi yet.

You’ve got to love a kid who asks for belts for Christmas, especially one like her whose butt is always hanging out of her pants! AND STILTS, she asked for STILTS for Christmas.  LOL!

And no, she’s not getting a bird.  Or a computer.

(If anyone knows what the second to last item is, please enlighten me, because even with the expert help, I couldn’t figure it out.)

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The Professor at Christmas. One toy or book is all he really needs. That is until we’re all done, then he wonders “That’s IT?????” (You only got 200 toys this year, what do you mean that’s it?)

The Professor is still thinking over his list.  I really hope I get one before Christmas…

Aside from the aforementioned flaming pillow pet nightlight things and the bird, here are some other things that my kids won’t be seeing under the tree this year.  Or any year.  Ever.

Furby-What the hell do kids see in those things?  I think they are CREEPY!
Easy Bake Oven-Refer to the whole Dream Lite thing above.
Robot Claw Grabber Thingie-Not because my kids would get in trouble with it, I’m talking about my husband.  No, no ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Barbie Dream House With Two Separate Elevators-Since our Barbie house has no stairs of any kind, Barbie has to teleport from floor to floor.  So much better than an elevator or even two, don’t you think?
Hello Kitty Pop Star-No!  NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ugglys Pug Electronic Pet-Nobody gets anything with the word “ugly” in it… especially this.
Back to the two elevators thing… WHY would Barbie need two elevators?  Is Barbie too good to share an elevator with anyone?  Do they have elevator races?  Inquiring minds WANT TO KNOW!

What ARE my kids getting for Christmas? Aside from visiting Gamestop for a used DS for The Princess, the verdict is still out.  I guess you’ll just have to come back and see.  I might even blog about it.

making list imageSome of my awesome blogging buddies also have things that they are not wanting to see under their trees.  Here are the links to check out their Christmas “NOS”!

Dear Santa, Please Don’t-Jen from My Skewed View

The Gift That JUST.KEEPS.ON.GIVING-Katia from I Am The Milk

My Child Models Deserve the Best at Christmas-Jean from Mama Schmama

Santa Employs Sweatshop Labor-Rachel from Tao of Poop

Three Things I Don’t Want My Son To Get For Christmas-Kristi from Finding Ninee

Holy Testosterone, Batman!  Why Are Superheroes So ANGRY These Days?-Sarah from Left Brain Buddha

Thanks for Nothing, “American Girls”.  Why I Hate American Girl Dolls-Stephanie from Mommy Is For Real

Is there something that you hope that your child does not receive this year?  Share, share, SHARE your thoughts in the comments!

My Christmas List, No Holds Barred

This really has nothing to do with my Christmas list but man did it make me laugh!

Now that we’re starting to get into the swing of the holiday season, I have something I want to share.  I know that Jesus is the reason for the season, and I know that I’m an adult and should be wishing for stuff like world peace and all that jazz for Christmas.  But I don’t want to.  I’m too broke to do much for Christmas.  My husband and I won’t be exchanging gifts and the kids will be getting precious little this year. So for now I just want to dream a little.  Today I want to be totally immature and selfish and think about all the stuff that I really wish I could get for Christmas. Then I’ll drown my sorrows in cheap wine.  So anyhoo, if you’re not offended by the fact that I’m not thinking about anyone but myself for the duration of this post, please read on. If you ARE offended, then, well… I got nothin.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST 2012

1)  A fake fireplace.  Really!  I AM DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT WANTING THIS!  I have always wanted a fireplace in my living room.  Insurance companies don’t really like them much and we really can’t afford to knock a wall out to put one in our living room.  But a fake one would work-all of the perks without the hassle, not to mention that we could mount our TV right above it.  They also have models with a place for all of your electronics.  I could bask in the warmth of the crackling fire while he watches… football.  Not a total win win, but I’d gladly take it.  Lowes sells them.  If anyone wants to donate one to me, I’ll point you in the right direction.  I’ll even drive you there.

Chestnuts not roasting on an open fire (because it’s faaaaaaake…)

2)  My gym membership paid in full for one year.  If I wanted to get really wild and crazy I’d also wish for someone to watch my kids while I went.  Of all the things I have had to give up in order to save money, this is the one I miss the most.  That and my newspaper subscription-but reading the news wasn’t really doing me much good. This was!  I have the flabby post gym membership booty to prove it, and that makes me sad.

3)  Wine of the week club.  Imagine the possibilities.  Wine delivered weekly to my front door.  So much more useful that a fruit of the month.  Add a chocolate of the week to go along with it and it would be way too perfect.  SIGN ME UP!  Oh yeah, I also need some wine glasses…

I want one. Or two. These are from a local winery here in Ioway.

4)  Mandatory Massages– This would go nicely with the wine.  A certain time each week set aside for a nice massage.  No exceptions.  Hold my calls, I’m relaxing.  These would be given by my husband.  Or a person of his choosing.

5)  A deeper bathtub– I love to take baths.  My problem is that even if I fill our bathtub all the way up and lay down as far as I can in the water, certain, um,  parts of me are barely submerged.  And I am not a big person.  If Matt Muenster and Bath Crashers ever come to my town, look out!

I could go for this too.  That’s neat.  But this bathtub isn’t deep enough.

6)  Drawers that are not baskets-Imagine if you will a bedroom set with many drawers.  You slide the drawers open to get clothes.  You slide them closed after you take the clothes out.  Slide out, slide in, slide out, slide in.  It’s a dream of mine.  My dresser drawers do not function as drawers, but rather baskets that stack on top of each other.  Except for one-the one that has been fixed.  There are five more.  Waiting…  Waiting to be fixed.

7)  Unlimited ITunes downloads (or access to your CD collection so I can steal music from you, which is much cheaper)-Music is my thang, yo!  I have quite a collection of ditties all on one IPOD nano. I’m just getting warmed up.  There is so much I want, yet so little that I can afford.

8)  Clothes Shopping Spree-Realize that a shopping spree for you may be waaaay different than a shopping spree for me.  I shop at Goodwill, consignment shops, and clearance racks.  This may very well be the cheapest shopping spree ever.  The catch?  You have to watch my kids.

9)  Unlimited Time To Peruse Scrapbook Stores Plus Store Credit– I always get slapped with a time limit and  mocked when I go to these places.  An ADD person let loose in a scrapbook store may never come out.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Too bad I can’t afford either of them right now. WAAAAAAAH!

10) Replacing the electronic things I keep putting off replacing to save money-A new printhead for my printer, and a memory card with tons of memory for my digital picture frame that does not cause my computer to crash when I attempt to add new images to it.  The whole purpose of the digital picture frame is to be able to ADD pictures to it, am I right?  My daughter hasn’t been two for a couple of years now.

11)  KITCHEN THINGS FIXED!!! Now I’m really stretching it (like I wasn’t before).  As I have shared recently, nothing in my kitchen really works right.  Last night I was trying to do the thing I hate most-DISHES of course.  I had the little sink plunger I had bought and was furiously plunging the sink I was rinsing dishes in because it backed up every time I ran water into it.  This is because my garbage disposal DOES NOT WORK.  Nor does my dishwasher.  You also take your life into your own hands every time you open my fridge because you just never know what’s going to come out of it at you.  That’s because there are multiple broken shelves and drawers in there.  Yeah, I could really use some appliance love right now.

That’s really, really nice. Now fix my dishwasher.

12) BLOG UPGRADE!  I got to thinking about this after I initially published it. Thought I’d throw it in here.  I’d love to be able to have my own domain and all of that fun stuff that you have to pay *GASP* money for.  I could do a whole lot more with more features and could customize it the way I wanted, not to mention would have unlimited space for images!   Just a thought.  Hint, hint.

That really IS it.  What would you ask for on your ultimate Christmas list?  I’ve seen some others around and I’m seeing some great ideas!  If you made your own list on your blog already I’d love for you to send me the link so I can read it too!