Weekly Wrap-Up: The Lack of Funny Search Terms Edition

chex catWhere was I this week?  NOT in a box of Chex!  HA HA!

Monday The Road to Hell Is Paved With Sharpened #2 Pencils  My first post in awhile at The Epistolarians where I rant about school supply lists.  One major error occurred here-I have the wrong address in the pic I made!  Oops!

Tuesday  Twisted Mixtape Tuesday:  Movie Music  Do you know a song or two or more that you can’t help but associate with the movie?  I know a bit about that!

Wednesday  Go Ahead, Roll It Over  I guest posted at Menopausal Mother for her Wacky Wednesday Writers series.

Thursday  Priceless Mom Moments:  It’s Okay to Surrender to Big Sparkly Shoes  I’m never sure if my moments are more priceless or worthless.  Click on the link to see what the heck I’m talking about!

Friday  The Totally Tubular Story of Tie-Dye Girl and Her Amazing Rubber Chicken It’s that Secret Subject Swap again.  Hmmm… Sooner or later they are going to have to learn how to keep me out of this!

Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

I am sad to report that there really aren’t any that aren’t more funny than they are disturbing.  It’s a sad day!

Next Week

Make sure you go to Moms Who Write and Blog to see the link to our Laugh Til You Pee Your Pants Halloween Party! 

Monday-I make my debut on Raised on the Radio!

Tuesday-Twisted Mixtape Tuesday:  Uncomfortable songs.  I’m so sad I can’t find the clip of JD from Scrubs when he says “Uncomfortable”.  It would be so perfect for this!

Wednesday and/or Thursday-I hope to share my story of the week I went away!

Friday-Fly on the Wall.  Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

It’s another week of madness at the library (lots of programming stuff going on), so anything I post will be extra special!  I hope your week is filled with nothing but goodness and fun!

Mmmmmm.... leg...

Mmmmmm…. leg…

Priceless or Worthless Mom Moments? You Decide.

I was positively thrilled when I was asked by the one and only Dani Ryan of Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine to contribute to her Priceless Mom Moments series.  Then I started thinking “Oh crap, most of my mom moments are closer to worthless than priceless.  Nevertheless, something that happened recently pretty much cause the post to write itself.  Click on the image below to come over to Dani’s blog!

sparkle

Call Toll Free, Operators Are Standing By

Those who know me know very well that I’m a big fan of When Crazy Meets ExhaustionShe’s one of my blogging idols.  I’m especially fond of her Oversharing series, because we all know how little that I overshare…  The most recently documented embarrassing situation here was by another one of my favorite bloggers, Dani Ryan from Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine.  Without giving too much away, there was a phone call made to the toll free number on the the back of the tampon box.

firecracker tamponThat got the idea diarrhea going full force.  First I wondered this:  How does one get a job as a “tampon support person”? Obviously there is a need for such a position!  But just the thought…  How do they do that?  Is there an ad in the paper?  Do they just outright advertise for the position, or is it one of those “secret” jobs that they don’t actually indicate what it’s for?

Help Wanted:  Tampax Customer Service
Description:  We are looking for an person with knowledge and enthusiasm about menses!  Do you love tampons?  Do you approach periods with perkiness? Do you like vaginas?  Then you need to apply with us!  Come work in our period friendly environment.  One of our perks is that our operators work only seven days a month!
Minimum qualifications:  Must know what a tampon is and where it goes.
Preferred qualifications:  Bachelor’s degree.  Working knowledge of the vagina a plus.  Experience in search and retrieval helpful.

Then I wondered about the possible hierarchy of the organization.  Was tampon support something that people work up to?  Do they start out in pantiliners?  If you are in the Overnight Maxipad department have you hit the padded ceiling (which would be like a glass ceiling, but a little different)?

After all of these thoughts were done invading my mind, I started looking at the backs of all the products that we have.  Sure enough, almost every one of them has some sort of toll free number that you can call.  The thought of this rendered me incapable of doing pretty much anything the rest of the night, mainly because the conversations that could be happening on some of these hotlines.  Oh.My.Gawd.

Toothpaste Support

You can call the number on the back of your toothpaste.  I’m actually surprised that my kids haven’t done this, because toothpaste seems to be somewhat of a challenging thing in my house.  It’s all related to the squeezing.  Even if they can get it out, there’s a permanent giant toothpaste glob stuck on the end that all of the other toothpaste that has yet to come out either has to go around or through.  Beautiful toothpaste art.  It makes me think that maybe there is an online tutorial for squeezing your toothpaste.

Worst-JobToilet Paper Hotline

On the same token as the tampons, there is also a toll free number that you can dial if you’re having trouble with your toilet paper.  I imagine not only is this a shitty job, I doubt that many people call with positive things to say.  Really, who is going to call and say “I wanted someone to know that this is the best my butt has felt in YEARS!”

It’s probably more like people calling to say things like “DAMN your toilet paper sucks!  I used sand paper yesterday and I couldn’t tell the difference..”

Or “I don’t understand this whole wiping thing.  Is there some kind of step by step process you can walk me through?”

Beer Assistance

On the back of Budweiser products there is 1-800-DIAL-BUD.  This I find extremely funny, and I’m not surprised that I know this because I’ve spent a reasonable amount of time reading the backs of alcohol bottles, especially the warnings, aloud to other people because I’m weird like that.  Somehow I think that people that choose to utilize this would not do it in the manner for which it was intended.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuude.  I can’t open my beer!  Help!”

“I dunno what to do, man.  My friend is passed out behind the toilet.  Yeah, BEHIND it!”

(True story. I wasn’t there, but according to my husband this is totally true.)

And for the record, there is no helpline on the back of underwear.  So if you can’t get your underwear on, you’re just screwed.  No help for you!

Just so you understand my case here, these are not necessarily original thoughts.  While all thoughts used in this article are my own, Ellen Degeneres did her own take on this stuff.  Because I love her and someday hope that she and I’ll get to hang out, I’m going to share it here:

Have you ever called a product support line? Is there something that you saw the number on the back of and it the possible scenarios made your life more interesting?  Please share with me-I’d love to hear it!

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Stuff That Happened This Week!

Previously on The Sadder But Wiser Girl…

MONDAYResuscitation Successful!  Items That Didn’t Work That Now Do.  Wheee!  I did a little dance, but didn’t make a little love over my resuscitated garbage disposal and shiny new (cheap) faucet!  The new faucet is 100 times better than the old one, which doesn’t say much about the one it replaced considering it was the cheapest Lowes made (that wasn’t an ugly plastic one).

TUESDAYThe 80s Child Thinks of Christmas:  Movies on Betamax and VHS Tapes.  We paid a little visit over to Memory Lane, reminiscing about all of those Christmas specials and movies that we used to watch, on VHS and BETAMAX!!!!!

WEDNESDAYThe ADD Kitchen:  Making Christmas Play-doh (And Other Random Artsy Fartsy Stuff).  We made glittery play-doh, and I considered burning my “I ♥ WordPress” t-shirt over them making it hard to put images on your page…

THURSDAY-Dude, Where’s My Love?  Oh THERE It Is…  A thoughtful post, sort of, all about supporting your fellow blogger when they are having a great big mountain of crap in their lives.

FRIDAY-The ADD Kitchen Chapter Two:  Cooking Calamities   I attempt to make things, and why it rarely works…

SATURDAY- In the spirit of Christmas, why not share Things I Love So Much I Want To Marry Them (Sorry Honey).  I was also tagged to write a Christmas post by Rachel at the Tao of Poop-check out her post and blog, IF YOU DARE!  I love anyone who has the word poop in the title of their blog!  Watch for that post  next week.

OTHER NEWS FROM THE WEEK:  I also made arrangements to do some guest posts on different blogs here soon, and a late development on the “ME” front is that I am being featured on “The Sunday Sip” going live at 8 am Sunday.  This wasn’t supposed to happen until next year so I am SUPER excited!  Here is the link if you want to check it out!

http://www.morethanmommies.net/2012/12/sunday-sip-fill-your-cup-with-sarah.html

NOTEWORTHY POSTS OF THE WEEK!

The Menopausal Mother-Caveman Twitter.  What if Cavemen had Twitter?  Complete with a not horrible reenactment.  What does she ploy her husband with to play along and can I have some to make my husband play along?  I have just started following her recently and she ROCKS!  I’m guest posting for her in January, so watch out for that!

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom-1-800-HOT-ELVZ.  As near as I can tell, this is lines taken from Christmas movies and used grossly out of context.  I came close to peeing my pants here, not that it’s that hard to do…  Take a look-see!  Another new blog to me that I am thoroughly enjoying!

Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine50 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter. Having to update your will is never fun stuff, but I love this list she made for her daughter. I love this blog, and I hope you will check it out!  I love that she starts this list with scented tampons.

Mostly True Stuff-I’m Jealous of You.  I am just full of love tonight.  Yes I love this blog.  She is just so honest! Please check out this blog.  If you are a parent of a child who has special needs of any sort, you’ll be able to relate.

Front Range ScribblesQuestions that make you go Hmmm?   Hee hee!  Funny stuff!

The Domestic GoddessLaughing At Farts, And Other Ways To Stay Young At Heart.  Somehow I feel like Marj is a kindred spirit.  I can always relate to her writing!  This is no exception.  It’s so bad that I have had to assure her that I’m not a stalker, I just really like her blogging!  I am so glad I am not the only one who laughs at certain words (I snort every time I see the word “wiener”, among other things).  You have to grow old, you don’t have to grow up.  Who said tha, anyway?