More Inventions I Could Really Use

Great Scott!  We’re talking about inventions again!  Now that I think about it, I guess I could use a time machine too…

New followers-you have missed the insanity that really got this little blog out of the hangar and on to the runway.  I Could So Be An Inventor was a hit with people who know me, anyway.  Lucky you, I’ve been saving more of them up.  Here’s Part Deux.  These aren’t as good as the original set, but I certainly think I could use some of these!

1)  Food expiration alarm-How many times have I bought a bag of spinach with lofty goals of eating salad and putting spinach on various sandwiches, only to forget the dang thing in the back of the crisper drawer (or the hole that used to be the crisper drawer in my fridge)?  Such a waste of money.  If there was an alarm that would sound a certain amount of time before food expired, it might encourage more people to use vegetables and leftovers BEFORE they expire.  You know, saving money and stuff.  In my house it would have to be a pretty shrill alarm.

2)  Appliance Resuscitation Device or ARD–  Your major appliance bit the dust?  There may still be hope.  You’ve heard of an AED?  This is the version for appliances:  a set of two paddles that you can attach and try to jolt it back to life.  I could really use this right now on my dishwasher and garbage disposal!

Looks like this appliance could use an ARD. It’s fallen and it can’t get up.

3)  Dead Rodent Detection Device-I believe I mentioned that we needed on of these in Living With An Evil Genius (Or Two).  He hasn’t delivered.  It would work much like a metal detector.  Then once the dead body is located, it is incinerated by fancy technology that I can’t even begin to comprehend.  This is because I REALLY don’t need any more holes in my walls.

4)  Real Life Censor-This will take the frustration out of those naughty words that you accidentally mutter. It syncs into your brain waves and senses when you are about to cuss, and then bleeps you out.  In some households I would be afraid of it getting overloaded…  You can upgrade to the Austin Powers Model that covers up anything indecent by projecting an image of something else over it.  Both models only work when children and elderly grandparents are in the room.

Having a real life censor for some people would be like being R2D2. Bleep.

5)  Brain Upgrade– Works much like the memory on computers.  Plugs into your ear when you need more memory.  I need about ten of these.

I just wanted an excuse to use this picture! I doubt it would look like that. Maybe more like a unicorn horn? Nah, that would just be silly. You don’t WANT people to know you have a brain upgrade, right?

6)  Fat Cloaking Device– Not your ordinary cloaking device, but what is?  Feeling fat today?  Turn this one and you are one slender hot mama.  No discomfort necessary.  Just as useful as the Mess Cloaking Device, ‘cept better.

7)  Political Ad Replacer– Too late for this year, but could prove quite useful in the future.  Detects whenever there is a political ad on your TV.  Plays footage of animals doing funny things, because who doesn’t like cute animals being funny (and who actually likes political ads)?  Can also be used to zap political mailings into pictures of Blake Shelton.  You’re welcome.  I could really like politics if that were the case.

No Politics here. Just Blake Shelton.

8)  Chocolate Powder-This isn’t your grandmother’s cocoa!  Sprinkle it on any food and it will taste just like chocolate.  It doesn’t add calories.  Hate broccoli?  Now it tastes like chocolate pudding.  Despise liver?  Now it’s chocolate cake.  Doesn’t work on fruitcake.  Nothing can alter fruitcake.

9)  Useful Information Filter-This is exclusively for ADD folks only.  This special filter attaches to your brain and screens out the crap you usually retain and keeps the important stuff in the right place.  Don’t worry, you’ll still remember all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody”, but can also remember when to pay your water bill.  Comes as a bonus item when you order the brain upgrade.

Don’t worry, it really wouldn’t look like this. I’m just messing with ya.

10)  Idea Enhancer-Takes those great ideas that you always get that usually go nowhere and helps bring them to fruition.  If your enhanced idea lasts more than four hours, contact your physician.

11)  Child Tractor Beam-Tired of your toddler trying to get away?  Kindergartener won’t come out of his room when you call?  Can’t get your ten year old to come home from his friend’s house?  Turn on this handy dandy tractor beam and they’ll be right there in a jiffy.  Not the same as the toilet tractor beam, thank goodness!

And last but not least-

12) Nakedness Alarm Disarming System-New in January 2013, this remote provides all controls to disarm the Mom Nakedness Alarm.  Simply plug in the code, and you can pee/get dressed/take a bath/poop/etc in peace without a child needing you to “Make the Bop-It listen” or any other nonsensical thing kids need the moment they know you are naked.  This is because they won’t know…

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’m sure I’ll have more.  Who can finish off a blog post about inventions without a Tony Stark reference… I can’t.

Oh come on, you know we all could use one. I’m talking about the GLOVE LIGHT people!

Living With An Evil Genius (or Two)

There seems to be two of them in my house. It makes life interesting.

Living with an Evil Genius means that life is more interesting in our house.  Well, ok I take that back, it can be boring at times.  Like when football is on and he’s on the computer trying to figure out how to put a waterslide in his office.  Or doing research on how he can convert the old satellite dish into some sort of super antenna so he can get all kinds of TV stations out in the garage. (It’s the research stage-that’s not so interesting compared to the outcome).  Or when he’s playing the Sims 3 on his computer-he doesn’t understand why I don’t get into those games.   Come on, I spend so much of my time trying to get the REAL people in my life to do what I want.  WHY on earth would I get on my computer to tell fake people what I want them to do?  This one is a little better than most, and he’s interested because he can create Evil Sims.  Though I will say if nothing else, though, his latest obsession with a game has produced some very interesting things being uttered in our house:

“Gee, I wish I could find someone who’d have kids with me.”

“I’m so glad she died, she wouldn’t play chess with me.”

“I’m dating a crazy chick.  I proposed to her like twelve times and she still wouldn’t say ‘yes’.

“Is this guy dead yet?” (He had a character that lived to be almost 120.  That was weird).

“I have triplets!”

Add to that the little brainstorms that go in his head that just come tumbling out.  The latest one went sort of like this:

Evil Genius:  “You know what I should get out?”

Me (Very afraid):  “What?”

Evil Genius:  “My domino rally set.  The kids would love it.”

What followed was two hours of footage of dominoes toppling playing on his laptop, with two sets of eyes right behind him.  I should have taken a picture of it-Princess Imagination’s eyes were bugging out of her head and The Professor couldn’t stop jumping up and down and dancing to the music that accompanied it.  What he loved best was the sound of the dominoes falling.  I have to agree with this, it reminds me of a rainstick.

We have the domino rally set up in our game room.  It kept the kids interested for a little while.  Most of the evening the previous night, and about 10 minutes today.  My only complaint about this is that it takes them FOREVER to clean it up.

I have to pat myself on the back a little bit for having a little bit of genius in myself.  When we were at the library a few weeks back I spied The Lego Idea Book on the shelf.  We checked it out and brought it home.  My kids are lego nuts-so this was a hit.  The next week The Professor put his first book on hold, The Lego Batman Visual Dictionary.  He was quite pleased when he was able to pick it up.  However, he has barely put it down.  AND this particular one wasn’t quite as cool as the other one, because I really feel it more is just an advertisement for batman legos.

However I must be ok with this, because the next week I went back and spied the Star Wars Lego Visual Dictionary on the shelf by the bathroom and picked that up, as well as another one.  My son has barely put them down, and now we hear many lego random facts all day long, such as what goes in what set and what versions are from what year.  He is the only child I know who can look at a picture of a lego set and know what year it’s from.  He informed me that the lego ewok set that I found in the basement is the 2002 edition, and that his clone trooper mask is the phase 1 mask.  I probably have heard well over a thousand facts about legos in that little monotone voice of his.  The little stinker keeps reading over my shoulder as I write and has been correcting my facts on here…

The Professor showing me some of the cool stuff in the “Lego Star Wars Visual Dictionary”.

While all of this is fine and dandy, I wish the geniuses would put their heads together and solve some of my first world problems I have going on here:

How to find and extract dead rodents from our heating system and/or walls.  I looked, there’s nothing dead in the furnace itself, but it stinks like nobody’s business somewhere around our upstairs.  I really have to put a scent in our Scentsy burner that compliments the rotting dead rodent smell.  Yummy.

Why no matter how close to hamper these males in my house are, their socks can’t seem to make it in there.  I find their socks everywhere in the house-inside the couch, on the floor next to the shower, next to the bed, shoved under the chair, in the gameroom…

Explore how we can fix the annoying things in the kitchen, like the trim that won’t stay on the pantry shelves no matter how many nails you put in it, and the sink with the dead garbage disposal that won’t drain right,  or ways to raise the table up so I don’t suffer from back problems every time I have to bend way over to chop something up on it.  Incidentally, I found a temporary fix to the drain problem-I bought a sink plunger at Walmart.

Yeah, we got problems right here in River City.  But like most Evil Geniuses, they consider these small potatoes compared to figuring out solutions to bigger issues like how to turn our stairway into a giant slide or how to install a zipline in the backyard…  Ah yes, like I said, having him around certainly keeps things interesting.

Invasion warning:  Be prepared, I understand that he would like to write a rebuttal to this post after I publish it.