Toilet Tales: The Scoop on the Poop

Now hear this!

Now hear this!

Is it one of Murphy’s laws that when you need to go and want privacy that your kids will make sure you have anything but, but if you need another roll of toilet paper those little darlings will be somehow completely out of earshot?

When you’re a Mom let’s face it, there are NO secrets.  The world will inevitably know what you’re doing whether you want it known or what.  Recently I had one of those moments when I wished I could throw on a cloak of invisibility and hide away.

The children and I were literally up at the crack of dawn to deliver dear daddy to work.  We got up, threw some granola bars at them and were on the road at 6 am.  After a stop for my transportation fee of one large McDonald’s iced coffee, a little bit more than an hour passed and we arrived to deliver him to his destination problem free.

On the hour trip back home it was obvious that I was not going to make it home without a pit stop.  Last night’s supper combined with my ingestion of said coffee wasn’t going to let me off easy.  I was going to have to stop at a rest stop before I got back on the interstate.  I literally flew from the car right into the women’s restroom, daughter in tow and son ordered to use the men’s bathroom.

My daughter is scared of self flushing toilets.  Therefore I have to be in the stall with her when she does her business.  So of course she must come right into the stall with me as I barely make it to the throne to do business of my very own.

HA HA-there's no toilet paper!

HA HA-there’s no toilet paper!

I should have known better.  I’m not sure what that happened immediately after that was more embarrassing:

It could have been my daughter in the bathroom proclaiming to the whole world “YAY Mommy you’re pooping!  Ohhhhhh…. your little poops are so cute!”

(Damn self flushing toilets anyway.  Why do they only flush when you DON’T want them to-usually while you’re sitting on them, and not when you get up before your daughter can admire what you just made!)

Or it could have been my son standing outside of the women’s bathroom yelling “Mom are you done in there?  Mom?  Mom?  WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?  Are you pooping?”  I kept yelling back “I will be out in a minute.  I’m not finished.”  To which he would just keep yelling because he wasn’t actually listening to what I was yelling to him…

At that moment I really wished the toilet was a portal to the Ministry of Magic.  I bet they let you use the restroom in peace there…

My apologies to everyone at the Flying J rest stop that particular morning.  So sorry you had to hear all about my poop…


I might as well have been using this toilet. It would have been just as private.

(Less Than) Stellar Moments in Life

OMG I am so embarrassed!

What a way to start a day!  After fighting with my four year old for what seemed like hours about, well, everything from getting clothes on her letting me brush her hair, I was finally able to get into the shower.  Finally, a few moments of peace!  I have my giant bottle of shampoo turned upside down to try to get out the very last bit that’s in there before I need to break into a new bottle.  Gotta save wherever I can you know.  Just as I flipped the lid and squirted the small amount that was left of it into my hand, Princess Tantrum storms in and flings open the shower door to announce that the “Bop-It was not listening” to her.  I groaned and reminded her that there is nothing I can do while I am covered in water.  She pouted and slammed the door.  Then I proceeded to take the glob of shampoo in my hand and rub it all over my body.

WHAT DID I JUST DO?  Did I just do that?  Yes I did.  So much for trying to save that last little bit.  On one hand, it is smoothing shampoo, which means that all the fine little hairs on my arms and legs should be very smooth.  On the other hand, what a waste.  I was able to get enough out to wash my hair correctly after the incident.  And I did follow up with the proper shower gel, even though I was probably plenty clean from the shampoo (I doubt it deoderizes).  I didn’t notice any difference in body hair smoothness, though.

Definitely not my most stellar moment.  But not necessarily my worst either.  At least I had no witnesses this time.  There have been so, so, SO many times that I have been distracted and done something so weird/funny/embarrassing that I am pretty sure I can write a book.

Since I couldn’t find an appropriate “embarrassing shower moments” image, this will do. Who could forget this hilarious episode of humiliation? Grace and the leaky water bra.

Some of my more interesting moments:

  • When we were young and broker than we are now, I used to mix Crystal Light in leftover milk containers (I washed them first).  One morning I got up, apparently on the wrong side of the bed, and proceeded to pour Crystal Light on my cereal.  Yum.  That is a moment that comes up quite a bit in our household moments that we’d rather forget.
  • Around that same time in my life, I went to the Recreation Center on campus to work out.  I put my things away and took the pants off that I had over my shorts.  I then proceeded to start to take my shorts off.  You don’t take your shorts off in the middle of a busy part of campus because everyone can SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR.  Luckily, I think the people there were so wrapped up in their reps that no one saw my purple lacy undies.
  • Much more recently, I was doing laundry.  I leaned down to put the laundry in the dryer and the hamper grabbed hold of my hair, and ripped a whole bunch out.  Ouch.
  • One day while running out of my house in a hurry to get to a class I was teaching, I could not find my keys.  I grabbed my spare keys and ran out the door.  I returned home and turned the house upside down looking for the keys.  Nothing.  Days went by, then weeks.  I finally got copies made and went on with my life.  One day a couple of months later someone found a set of keys outside of town on the county road by the co-op.  They were destroyed, but they were certainly my keys.  Apparently I had left the keys in the lock in my trunk.
  • And of course, everyone knows the keys in the toilet story.  Not familiar with it?  Well, click here to read about it.  Everyone must know about the toilet tractor beam.  Everyone.

And there are so, so many more that I am sure I’m just not recalling these days.  What embarrassing moments have you had? I also have some kid related ones too, but I’ll save those for another time…

I haven’t quite had a Ross in leather pants experience quite yet. But I’m young, I’m sure there are many more embarrassing moments to be had.