If My Life Were A Movie, I’d Hire Better Writers

Recent events have had me thinking about this post that I wrote awhile back and reblogged once before..  Naturally, WordPress won’t let you reblog something more than once.  So I have copied and pasted it all into a nice shiny new post!  So think of it as a rerun that you didn’t see the first time if it’s new to you.

If my life were a movie... there'd be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

If my life were a movie… there’d be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

I keep thinking lately that if my life were a movie we should almost be at the point where something wonderful happens.  You know, things just seem like they are so bad and then that great thing happens that miraculously turns things around.  It of course results in a happy ending.  The “It’s always darkest before the dawn” type thing.

So obviously this is real life and although I’m sure there’s a plan for me somewhere, I don’t see it happening.  But this brought up a very good bunch of stuff for my blog.  What IF my life WERE like a movie?  What would happen?

I’d get some sort of anonymous donor all of a sudden paying to send me to school.  Then I could follow my dreams.  If this were a movie, I’d know what those dreams were…

I'd get to go back to school with really smart fun people...

I’d get to go back to school with really smart fun people…

I’d have a trainer preparing me for my first triathlon using ordinary things.  I’d be weightlifting family sized cans of vegetable beef soup and full containers of cat litter. I’d be running through an obstacle course made of hula hoops, carefully arranged dog poop, empty Cheerios boxes, and leftover siding.  I’d be pulling a wagon loaded with all of the uneaten food from my house, which would be REALLY heavy (great training potential).  I’d be forced to run up and down the playground equipment at the park over and over.

Just as I’d just given up forever on finding a job and threw myself into something else (most likely the chest high mountain of laundry on the back porch), the dream job would happen to come up on the job website.  I’d decide to apply for one last job and get an interview.  They wouldn’t offer me the job at first, but something miraculous would happen and I would end up getting an even better job because I impressed someone there… because they would think I’m awesome.

We’d break out into song at the most interesting moments.  My daughter going poop in the potty would rate a huge song and dance number.  I would finally get a job interview, and there would be dancers following me as I sang all the way there about how I was going to change my life.  Dinnertime-you bet there’d be some sort of production.  And everyone would like and eat the food too.

"Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!"  Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

“Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!” Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

Somehow my schedule would miraculously allow me to do all kinds of work to prove the naysayers wrong.  I’d be out there, pounding the pavement, doing something to make everyone who ever doubted me have faith in me again.  Not sure what that would be, but I’d be proving them wrong.

My husband would be very romantic. You know, random flowers and stuff like that.  I bet he’d be conscious too, unless it was a comedy relief type of thing, because unconsciousness can be very funny.

I’d have a better wardrobe (does the HD camera also add ten pounds?)  And better hair.  Much better hair.

I have pretty cute children anyway.  I suppose they would be just as cute, and would say much of the same stuff they say in real life.  Except my daughter wouldn’t poop her pants at the most inopportune moments, and my son wouldn’t eat his boogers.

I’d be giving up my blog just about the time a famous editor would read it.  He would make great strides to try to find me and hire me to come to work for his company.  Also, my fans would rally around my house begging me to return to what inspired their life:  My blog.  Oh yes, and I would have a lot of fans.

I’d have a lightsaber.  I’d also have some sort of superpowers.  And I’d be able to do that slow motion floating and turning in the air thing like on The Matrix movies.  There’d be some sort of epic battle in my backyard.  I’d win.

It would have an awesome, though eclectic, soundtrack.

Yes my life is definitely not a movie.  If you’re willing to buy my story, however, we’ll talk.

Would my life story have all the elements of a Nicholas Cage movie? Would he wonder why he wasn't in the movie?  I'm sure all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed.

Would my life story have all the elements of a Nicholas Cage movie? Would he wonder why he wasn’t in the movie? I’m sure all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed.

Theme Thursday: Do-Overs

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is an opportunity to mind meld with the most amazing people online.  Today’s topic is Do-Overs.  After you read my mind blowing post, please click on the link at the top to view other even more mind blowing posts about doing stuff over.

This post is a bit off from my usual clean fun.  I may pepper it with some colorful metaphors.  If you do not like colorful metaphors, then please please just do not read. 

What, do you ask, is a colorful metaphor?  Oh please allow me…

star trek metaphor

Colorful Metaphors, Star Trek Style:  You Tube Video Link Here

Yes, only I could work Star Trek into a post like that, because that’s how I roll.

*Ahem*

It’s tempting to write a bunch of baloney this evening as reality is starting to rear its ugly head here in the land of cornfields and wind turbines.  The sub job is over, and we’re quickly getting back to living paycheck to paycheck.  I’m spending waaaaaay more time than I should looking at job postings.  Gee, it’s the SAME jobs over and over.  How many more rejection letters can I receive from McFarland Clinic?  Is Iowa State ever even going to look at my resume before setting it aflame?  And part-time stuff in the evenings and weekends?  HA!  It’s positively abysmal.  I really hope that this writing thing takes off pretty soon, but I’m not holding my breath.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m very happy with how some things turned out.  I’m crazy about my husband and kids. While life hasn’t always dealt us the greatest hand we are pretty awesome, dammit.

But there are some things in my life that I just wish I could go back and DO OVER, mainly because they were STUPID.

The following is a list of “Do-Over” Opportunities.  Please note that these are different from Photo Opportunities…  Each scenario in itself would negate the other opportunities, because it would create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe!  Or something like that.

OH NO!  Not the fabric of time!

OH NO! Not the fabric of time!

Do-Over Opportunities

Do-Over Opportunity:  In high school you will be presented with many opportunities that for some reason or other, someone will try to talk you out of.  Do me a favor and do this over-ignore the naysayers and do what the hell you want to.  This could possibly lead to a more interesting life and fewer regrets.

Do-Over Opportunity:  That really super hot guy with the motorcycle, the really tall one with the blue eyes, the one you spent an entire semester staring at in math class, avoid at all costs.  Yes, do this over the right away.  When he walks up to you the following semester after chorus, WALK AWAY.  When he comes to your house, tell him to GO AWAY!  When he calls, hang up.  As a matter of fact, maybe do that with every guy that approaches you between the years of 1990-1997.  It will be so much better and so much less complicated.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When the Student Ambassadors at Lord Voldemort College approach you about majoring in Music Education, tell them thanks but no thanks, and then run and hide amongst the Elementary/Early Childhood majors. They’ll protect you.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you realize how much the department you’re in at Lord Voldemort College is not doing you any good, you’ll try to transfer your buns out of there.  They’ll call you in to threaten you with all kinds of bullshit.  Here’s when your do-over comes in.  DON’T BELIEVE THEM.  It’s all lies.  Transfer and get the “h” out.  Go to a different school and go on with your life.  It’s much better than having student loans the rest of your life that you can’t pay.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you’re called into your boss’s office and handed a paper with the word “failure”on it seven times and told to either resign or be terminated, don’t retreat into anonyminity.  Fight.  Get a lawyer.  SUE THEIR ARSES!

But Wait, Hold the phone…

You know there is the stuff I did right too, like making some of the friends I did in high school and college.  Like holding out for the hot smart guy with the weird but awesome sense of humor who actually can hold a conversation with me and likes many of the same things I do.  Yes, the one who proposed to me on a playground and I said “Yes!”  And those two kids, they’re pretty neat too.  The blogging thing, while as of yet it hasn’t paid out anything other than self satisfaction and some great friends, I think I did well to stick it out with that as well.

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother.  She gets me...

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother. She gets me…

Don’t forget to go see what all the fuss is about-check out all the other Theme Thursday posts and all of the other awesomeness over at Something Clever 2.0

metaphors

I couldn’t resist one more thing about those damn colorful metaphors…YouTube Video Link Here.

 

REBLOG: If My Life Were A Movie, I’d Hire Better Writers

This is my second REBLOG weekend. This is one of my better posts. Not too old but not too new. Just right, as baby bear would say.

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

I keep thinking lately that if my life were a movie we should almost be at the point where something wonderful happens.  You know, things just seem like they are so bad and then that great thing happens that miraculously turns things around.  It of course results in a happy ending.  The “It’s always darkest before the dawn” type thing.

So obviously this is real life and although I’m sure there’s a plan for me somewhere, I don’t see it happening.  But this brought up a very good bunch of stuff for my blog.  What IF my life WERE like a movie?  What would happen?

I’d get some sort of anonymous donor all of a sudden paying to send me to school.  Then I could follow my dreams.  If this were a movie, I’d know what those dreams were…

I’d have a trainer preparing me for my first triathlon using…

View original post 524 more words

If My Life Were A Movie, I’d Hire Better Writers

If my life were a movie… there’d be great refreshments at reasonable prices.

I keep thinking lately that if my life were a movie we should almost be at the point where something wonderful happens.  You know, things just seem like they are so bad and then that great thing happens that miraculously turns things around.  It of course results in a happy ending.  The “It’s always darkest before the dawn” type thing.

So obviously this is real life and although I’m sure there’s a plan for me somewhere, I don’t see it happening.  But this brought up a very good bunch of stuff for my blog.  What IF my life WERE like a movie?  What would happen?

I’d get some sort of anonymous donor all of a sudden paying to send me to school.  Then I could follow my dreams.  If this were a movie, I’d know what those dreams were…

I’d get to go back to school with really smart fun people…

I’d have a trainer preparing me for my first triathlon using ordinary things.  I’d be weightlifting family sized cans of vegetable beef soup and full containers of cat litter. I’d be running through an obstacle course made of hula hoops, carefully arranged dog poop, empty Cheerios boxes, and leftover siding.  I’d be pulling a wagon loaded with all of the uneaten food from my house, which would be REALLY heavy (great training potential).  I’d be forced to run up and down the playground equipment at the park over and over.

Just as I’d just given up forever on finding a job and threw myself into something else (most likely the chest high mountain of laundry on the back porch), the dream job would happen to come up on the job website.  I’d decide to apply for one last job and get an interview.  They wouldn’t offer me the job at first, but something miraculous would happen and I would end up getting an even better job because I impressed someone there… because they would think I’m awesome.

We’d break out into song at the most interesting moments.  My daughter going poop in the potty would rate a huge song and dance number.  I would finally get a job interview, and there would be dancers following me as I sang all the way there about how I was going to change my life.  Dinnertime-you bet there’d be some sort of production.  And everyone would like and eat the food too.

“Myyyyyyy husband mowed the laaaaaawn!” Everything would be cause for a musical number if my life were a movie.

Somehow my schedule would miraculously allow me to do all kinds of work to prove the naysayers wrong.  I’d be out there, pounding the pavement, doing something to make everyone who ever doubted me have faith in me again.  Not sure what that would be, but I’d be proving them wrong.

My husband would be very romantic. You know, random flowers and stuff like that.  I bet he’d be conscious too, unless it was a comedy relief type of thing, because unconsciousness can be very funny.

I’d have a better wardrobe (does the HD camera also add ten pounds?)  And better hair.  Much better hair.

I have pretty cute children anyway.  I suppose they would be just as cute, and would say much of the same stuff they say in real life.  Except my daughter wouldn’t poop her pants at the most inopportune moments, and my son wouldn’t eat his boogers.

I’d be giving up my blog just about the time a famous editor would read it.  He would make great strides to try to find me and hire me to come to work for his company.  Also, my fans would rally around my house begging me to return to what inspired their life:  My blog.  Oh yes, and I would have a lot of fans.

I’d have a lightsaber.  I’d also have some sort of superpowers.  And I’d be able to do that slow motion floating and turning in the air thing like on The Matrix movies.  There’d be some sort of epic battle in my backyard.  I’d win.

It would have an awesome, though eclectic, soundtrack.

Yes my life is definitely not a movie.  If you’re willing to buy my story, however, we’ll talk.

Would my life story have the elements that Nicholas Cage looks for in a movie? Would he wonder how he wasn’t in my movie? I’m sure that 1) all of the dialogue probably would be whispered or screamed and 2) food would be served in the movie.