The Sadder But Wiser Girl…Poop Detective

Theme ThursdayThis post has been slightly altered from its original form in order to appease the WordPress gods.  They won’t let you reblog more than once, and I really wanted to link this up to Theme Thursday.  Just sayin…  The theme is to rerun a favorite.  I’m awfully partial to this post, and I’m not sure why.

Two things happened in the past 24 hours that got me thinking.

Yesterday afternoon my phone rang.  I always program different ring tones along with the numbers in my phone so I have a general idea of who is calling.  This particular ringtone I hadn’t heard in quite a while.  It was my former employer, *Disorganization Ltd.  Why the heck would they be calling me?  Oh they have seen the error of their ways, and they really do need someone in their office here.  Not a chance.  I’m glad I didn’t answer, because I probably would have gone all Anakin Skywalker on them.  They did leave a message though, which went something like this:”Hi *Sadder.  This is *Spacy Lady.  I know we haven’t talked in a while, but you know that everyone that works for our disorganization has to teach 10 classes a year.  You have only taught five.  I need you to call me so we can make you feel bad for not wanting to be on call for us to work that 30 minutes a month we may need you.  I want to talk you into making yourself available to teach classes that are cancelled 90 percent of the time, to call and beg you to teach classes several hours away that we will turn around and assign to someone else at the last minute, and to make you feel terrible about the fact that you won’t work enough to even pay for a babysitter.  I’d love to catch up with you and rub it in that we wouldn’t retain your position.”

Ok, so that’s not what she said, but that’s how I took it.  Really, what does the word “resignation” mean to you?  To me it means I can’t collect unemployment.  Needless to say, I won’t be returning that call right away, if at all.

The other thing that happened is that I got another rejection letter from the place I keep applying for different jobs at.  You’d think that with all the turnover they seem to have that sooner or later they’d run out of people and be forced to hire me.  Wow I must REALLY suck!

I started thinking after reading that of the jobs that I COULD have.  All the skills and stuff I’ve acquired over the years, surely it’s worth something.  I know that being able to sing all of the lyrics to “Abby’s Flying Fairy School” won’t get me very far.  However, a few others may.  The following is a little list I’ve come up with:

1) Poop Detective-I worked in childcare for 11 plus years plus had two children of my own.  I know my poop.  I could be like Bones.  They could call me in to the scene of the crime and have me tell them about the feces.  I’d stroll in, be able to tell them how old it was, how long it had been there, the size and approximate age of the perpetrator.  “This came from a 2 and a half year old male approximately two feet tall who’s still in diapers.”  We’ve had some pooping in our house that no one would own up to, so I’ve had good practice.

“I’ve got something in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.”

A few years ago I probably could have done that simply by smell.  I could smell a poop a mile away.  But I think that superpower is fading.  Still don’t know how I quite got it.  Maybe I got bit by a radioactive baby.

2)  Wandering Minstrel-I don’t play lute.  Or guitar.  But I’ve played flute semi-professionally, as in I was paid a few coins to show up for municipal band.  I could stroll around and play my flute.  I pitched this idea to my husband-I think they need one of these where he works.  He liked the idea.  Maybe I could even use my children as interpretive dancers.  (You’re wondering why I don’t just go play flute somewhere for money.  It’s been awhile.  My kids don’t let me talk on the phone or use the bathroom.  Do you really think I’d have time to practice?)

3)  Cat Herder-A very wise (and fun!) preschool teacher I used to work with likened getting a group of preschoolers to go anywhere is very much like it would be to herd cats.  Surely there are herds of cats roaming the earth that need herders.  I understand I am qualified.

4)  Paint Color Name Chooser-I’m sure there’s a better word for this.  SOMEONE has to choose the names of all of those paint colors out there.  I think I’d be very good at it.  Of course once I named one Baby Poop Brown I probably would be out of a job…

5)  Excuse Service-Need an excuse to get out of something?  Give me a call and I will make up one for you.  I’ve certainly heard one for just about everything…

6)  Professional Disorganizer– Not only could I undo your organizational methods, I could do it in record time (even faster if I get my kids involved).  I’ve had lots of practice (ADD again, you get the picture).

So there you have it.  Perhaps I’ll think of more as time goes on.  Six jobs that I would be very, very good at.  Now if only I knew where to look for them… In the meantime, maybe I can try just making it as a blogger.

*The names have been changed because like I said, I don’t want anyone burning down my house…