December Secret Subject Swap: An Autobiography According To Ms Sadder But Wiser

Welcome to the December Secret Subject Swap! 15 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My subject is “The title of my autobiography so far and why.”  It was submitted by http://www.mommyunmuted.com/   Here goes:

So I decided to do this secret subject swap.  I have time, I have all kinds of time, right?  I want to be a writer and paid blogger someday, so this is great practice.  I figured I’d sit right down and just type it all right out in a half an hour because after all, the ideas usually come out like crazy.  And the topic was perfect:  What would the title of my autobiography so far be and why?

This was not the case because life intervened.  Due to extreme conditions of many kinds including illness, getting ready for Christmas on a cabbage patch kid’s shoestring budget, and my own extreme procrastination, my normally free flowing idea diarrhea was stopped up into a full blown case of brain constipation (I need to copyright those words).  Don’t get me wrong, this was a fabulous topic-I just read too much into everything as usual.  Because that’s what I do.  ADD and Anxiety strike again.  I should really look into getting those classified as some sort of superpowers.

So I did the following to try to deal with it:

I stared at my computer

I made the men write out equations.

I drank coffee.

I hid.

I even stood on my head, my daughter joined me.

I finally decided that my real autobiography would be pretty boring.  No wonder I was having trouble trying to figure out the title!  If I had perhaps developed some lifesaving vaccine, invented the post-it note, swam the English Channel, and gained superpowers, maybe it would be worth a read. Maybe if Ellen really WOULD call me and invite me on her show, if I wrote a best selling fantasy novel (damn you J.K. Rowling!), if I got to travel the world, even if I just got to go back to school, that would be interesting.

Would anyone really want to read my life story of dealing with ADD, Anxiety, rejection, job loss, my marriage to an evil genius, raising two quirky yet adorable children, all written with a weird twisted sense of humor?   That I spent more than ten years of my life changing diapers?  That I am not allowed to have any portion of my body naked for more than five seconds without the little people needing me?  That in another few weeks no one will be able to find my house at all with all of the artwork everywhere?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy, wait a minute, that’s what I write about on my blog EVERY DAY!  And over four people read every post too.  Maybe this is possible to come up with after all.  So exactly 12 hours before I had to post it came to me, the title I had been seeking for weeks finally came to me:

“The Poop of My Life:  How It Really Stunk But Everything Came Out Ok”.

Of course it had to have the word poop in it somewhere!  I just wouldn’t think it would be something about me without some reference to feces.  This is assuming that every is going to come out ok at the beginning of this next year (I have hope), that the world really isn’t going to end (I have my doubts), that I will finally find gainful employment (I have doubtful hope), perhaps even doing something I love like writing (hint hint, prospective blogger hirers).  Now if I could only figure out what the cover would look like!

So if you were writing your own autobiography, what would YOU call it?  Trust me, it’s not as easy to come up with as you might think!

I never claimed to be a lady.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com

http://www.cassandrazcorner.blogspot.com

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com

http://www.momaical.com

http://macdonaldsplayland.blogspot.com/

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

http://dinoheromommy.com/

http://www.hungrylittlegirl.com

http://rushingforbagels.blogspot.com/

http://www.mommyunmuted.com

http://www.3monkeysandamartini.com

http://www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com

http://www.loveartbaby.com/

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The Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge: The Top Posts

I’m doing the Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge sponsored by A Little Unhinged.

12. Your top 5 posts and why you think they were successful.

Hmmmmm… Ummmmmmm…. Uhhhhhhhhhhh….

Ok, I’ve got this:

1)   The one that started it all-Does This Look Infected To You?

The dog didn’t get shingles, my husband did.

My husband went on a business trip and came home with shingles.  It practically wrote itself.  And it was all downhill from that one.

2)  The one that almost didn’t get published-Indiana Jones and the Evil Couch of Doom (aka Crap I Found In My Couch)

Is it an eeeeevil couch?

A poem I wrote one day after cleaning. I deleted it, but then rescued it from the trash.  My husband shared it with his coworkers and they actually liked it!

3)  The one that made people either laugh or say HUH?-The Sadder But Wiser Girl, Poop Detective

“I’ve got something in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.”

Trying to laugh about rejection, I started thinking of jobs that I KNOW I could do.  Hence the very strange but definitely unique blog post.  And also one of the most visited on my blog, shockingly enough.

4)  One of my personal favorites-Yo, P.E.E.P.s and P.O.O.P.s! A Support Group That Doesn’t Exist That Really Should

Wonder what this group’s name would be?

This one bounced around in my head for a long time before coming to fruition.  I’m glad I finally got it all out of there.

5)  The one that I think I am most proud of-Lessons From Kids:  Life Is Short, Play Naked

Honorable mentions:

The Five Stages of Dishes, From Procrastination to Exasperation

The Recessive Gene:  My Pool Needs A Lifeguard

A little DNA humor for you.

If Unicorns Fart Glitter and Poop Rainbows, Where Does Glitter Glue Come From?

Post Apocalyptic Hello Kitty and Grandpa Snake…Adventures in Imagination

Grandpa Snake is caught in many compromising positions.

Whoever Has The Brain Today Please Stand Up:  When ADD People Marry Each Other

My Husband Won’t Read My Blog And Other Random Stupid Stuff

My husband won’t read my blog.  At least I don’t think he’s read it.  At one point he hollered “I just read it!”  How could he do that in twelve seconds?  I thin he’s lying.

Why is it so critical that one of the most important people in my life takes a look at what I’ve so carefully crafted?  I really have no idea.  And what would he say to me if he did?  Give me a high five?  Sign me up for a writing class?  Throw something at me?  Tell me that he doesn’t yearn for meat nearly as much as I have led the world to believe?  Not sure…

In other news, I think I’m doing this all wrong.  A couple of nights ago while waiting for the Ambien to kick in I googled “How to get more people to read your blog”.  This is what I learned:

1)  Find your audience.  I didn’t know they were missing.  Seriously, I was more thinking that I just need to get stuff out there and put down what’s in my head, as scary as that may be.  I guess whoever likes it, well, that’s my audience.  Glad I found you.

2)  Dark colored background…BAD.  Oh nooooooooooo… if your blog is dark no one will ever read it.  Nice.  Honestly, I looked high and low for a background I really liked.  Sorry Charlie, I like the particular theme I chose, Dusk to Dawn.  Nothing else on WordPress seemed to fit my personal style.  After reading this, I actually went into the themes and looked again.  I still don’t like any of the others.  Dark is me (well, actually I’m quite pale.)

3)  Tweet.  I don’t.  I know everyone is doing it.  I just don’t feel a need to do it.

4)  Simplify.  Did you know that in this day and age people don’t actually READ blogs?  They SCAN them.  That’s news to me, because I still read stuff.

5)  Use images to break up text.  Because it’s really hard work to see all of those words.  Sometimes I use pictures and sometimes I don’t.  Depends on what I’m trying to do.  I could just find random pictures and put them in to break stuff up, like this…

This is toilet paper.

What’s really super awesome is that if I choose to use this as my only image in here that will be the “featured image” for this post.  I like that.  I like toilet paper.

6)  Unless you’re famous, no one reads personal blogs anymore.  Well that does it.  Guess I’m gonna have to get famous.  I’m still not going to tweet.

I really DO want people to read my blog, because I want them to be entertained.  It’s cheaper than therapy.  It’s also great to get feedback.  It’s nice to be appreciated.  I made a page on Facebook, put it out there for family and friends, and try to at least try to attract a handful or so of people who might enjoy my warped humor.

I still don’t get how I’m really supposed to use tags.  I’ve read a bunch of stuff, and I don’t have the patience to watch the video tutorials.  So I just pick random stuff and use it as a tag.  Probably not the thing you’re supposed to do, eh?  Despite my unwillingness to watch a video, through my persistence I have figured out some awesome features on WordPress.  You can see the countries people are from that view your blog.  I don’t know why, but I think that is very neat!  So far I have people from the US, Canada, Australia, India, and Norway.  Not bad for just a few days of being public.  Maybe I am famous after all.

I’ve recovered from my self proclaimed “Idea Diarrhea” and am now afflicted with some sort of brain constipation (and have no cool name for it).  I have some random stuff in my head but when it comes out it doesn’t come out right.  Is there a sort of stool softener for your brain?  Or brain fiber?  If there is, please tell me where to get it…