My Glands, My Glands, My Lovely Swollen Glands

Don't do it!

Don’t do it!

In case you haven’t heard, I’ve been sick.  It seems like I have been sick forever.  I think I told someone I’ve been sick for a month.  I really wasn’t lying-in my defense it certainly seems that way, but I think it’s only been more like three weeks.  It started out as a cold, got really bad, and got better but hasn’t completely gone away.  I was left with this tickle in my throat that when I cough sounds something like a weak chipmunk.

This morning I woke up feeling completely crappy with swollen glands.  I’ve never had swollen glands in my life that I remember.  They aren’t just swollen, they HURT! Having never had them, I had no idea what was wrong with me.

Of course me being the cool calm collected person that I am, I panicked.

I spent the first part of the day finishing my New Year’s blog post and purposely avoided going anywhere near Google, since I was convinced that with the pain being sort of to one side it had to be a tumor.  If you google your symptoms, you will very quickly think you are dying.  I knew that if I got on there I would be in trouble.  Then I took ibuprofen, which didn’t help at all.  This worsened my fear.  Not only was I swollen and in pain, traditional pain killers weren’t helping.  Great, I’m dying.

frog croak

My husband didn’t help matters.  Being ornery, he made sure to let me know that he thought I was dying too.

By late morning the swelling and achiness seemed to be pretty much all over on both sides of my throat.  So if it’s evenly spread out, it can’t be a tumor, right?  After this thought I self diagnosed myself with thyroid disease, since it runs in my family.  Why not?  Later on I would discover that my thyroid is nowhere near the part of my neck that actually hurt.  Sigh…I never claimed to be a medical expert.

Around 2:15 I tried to lay down and take a nap, but my neck hurt and I of course sat and thought about it.  At 3:00 I dragged myself on a walk and worried the whole time.  When I returned home I threw the empty box for the ornaments on the table and pleaded for the kids to take them off the tree.  Then I drove to town to return a movie that was two days overdue.  My phone chimed just as I pulled in to the movie place.  It was my Mom-she had commented on a blog post I had written on Facebook.  She’d been gone to visit my sister, so this meant that she was home.  I called her to wish her Happy New Year.  When I told her how I felt, she said “Oh you have swollen glands.”  Oh, duh.  People get those.  She also mentioned that I really should go see my doctor-I’d been sick long enough.  Therefore that reaffirmed in my messed up head that I was dying.

By the time I returned from taking the movie back, I couldn’t stand it any longer.  At 5:00 I googled “make swollen glands less painful”.  I so shouldn’t have done that. I now think I may have a whole slew of diseases starting with “a” and going almost all the way to “z”.  I tend to make up symptoms as I go.  That day that I had that itchy bump on my stomach-that counts as hives, right?  My boob hurt the other day, even though I figured out it was right where the underwire of my bra pokes it, that counts as breast pain.  Sometimes my eyelids twitch-that is TOTALLY a symptom.


By the way, I never did really figure out how to make my glands less ouchie.  Partly because I was obsessing about diseases I could have and partly because some of those websites tend to have really, really gross pictures of stuff like nail fungus and infected things on their sidebar that I can’t bear to look at.

This whole situation is akin to having back pain and renting 50/50. If you are experiencing back pain of any kind, just don’t rent it.  It’s a great movie, by the way, even though I did think I had cancer after seeing it.  I often have muscle spasms in my back and neck.  This has been confirmed by two different doctors.  I’ve been in physical therapy for the neck pain, which I have my daughter to thank for this.  When I gave birth to her I did something to my neck.  Even after six weeks of physical therapy for that and a dislocated pelvis, I never did regain full range of motion in my neck.  She is literally a pain in my neck.

I will give my husband credit, by evening he finally admitted that he was feeling a bit swollen too.  He has been sick right along with me, just a few days behind.  He’s not coughing like I am but he snores when he’s congested.  I should have known this was true.  So maybe I’m not dying…

Incidentally if you put the words swollen glands to the tune of jingle bells it works out pretty well music wise.

So tomorrow I begin the long ordeal of trying to get in to see my doctor.  It’s not that it’s hard to see her, it’s that you have to answer all kinds of questions and possibly have a nurse call you to determine if you are actually sick enough to be seen.  It’s kind of annoying.  I only go through this when I am dying or have some sort of medication issue.  I don’t get that sick too often, so it’s been awhile.

One thing is for sure here, these are the days when I really miss my big fluffy kitty!  The one who currently resides in our house is indifferent to my suffering…

WHAT?  Me comfort you?  Just who do you think I am?

WHAT? Me comfort you? Just who do you think I am?