I Broke Into a Building With Milo Ventimiglia

This guy helped me break into a building.  Not for real, of course.  How weird and random.

This guy helped me break into a building. Not for real, of course. How weird and random.

Happy Monday morning!  It’s been awhile since I’ve had a really bizarre “where the heck did that come from” dream.  A couple of nights ago I had one.  It was weird.  Really weird.  And I wasn’t even sitting on a toilet this time.  For your Monday morning displeasure, I thought I’d share.

The place where I taught preschool when my son was little is considering adding a teacher if their enrollment goes up.  So it’s been on my mind.

In my dream I had agreed to work afternoons for them.  From 2-5 or something.  Where were my children?  I’m not sure.  On this particular day in my dream I had to go do this for the first time.  Then for some reason I couldn’t make it.  But I had their van.  Why did I have their van?  So I couldn’t make it to work, but I could go return their van.  Makes sense, right?

For some reason it was nighttime the entire dream.  All day long.

dream kitty

So I set out to take their van back. When I worked for this daycare we would take the kiddos out on field trips in these great big vans.  Putting in and taking out all the car seats was a nightmare, pun intended.  But why would I take the van home?  I must have been thinking of my LAST job.  Since I was expected to go all over the world to teach these classes, in order to not use my own gas I had to take one of their huge gas guzzling vehicles.  This makes so much sense for an organization that is one the brink of financial disaster.  ANYHOO-sometimes if I was teaching a class three hours away I would swap my vehicle with theirs the night before since I lived out of town.  Then I could get at 5 am and hop in and drive.

It was enormous inside (the van in my dream, not the one in real life).  There was a tv, and a refrigerator, and furniture.  Before I could go take the van back to the daycare center, first I had to go get a key from some business downtown.  Only I didn’t have a key to this building that I had to get the key out of.  So naturally I had to break in.

This is where Milo Ventimiglia comes in.  I love the last name, try saying it three times fast.  If you are a Gilmore Girls fan, you know him as Jess, the bad boy nephew that Rory dumps Dean for.  Or you may also know him as the guy who usurped other people’s powers on Heroes.  Or if you saw That’s My Boy he was the brother who was sleeping with his sister because “good-looking people” are just supposed to do that…  I’m not like a huge fan or anything, it was quite a random person.  If I had chosen a break in buddy, surely Robert Downey Jr would have helped me.  After all, he does have an Iron Man suit.

Not really Iron Man...

Not really Iron Man…

So anyway, regardless of what show he was in or why he was in this dream he helped me break into this building.  And we got the key.  But we didn’t leave.  We stayed and ate snacks and watched tv.  This is because isn’t that what you always do after you break and enter into a building, you eat snacks?  Later on I eventually got the van back to the school.  No one was there except for the weird janitor guy who vacuums in the dark.  That part is true-when I worked there we really did have a guy that vacuumed in the dark!  Then my alarm went off.  I got up thinking “huh?”  I was relieved it was just a dream, because I really hate missing or being late to work, and breaking and entering too (I figured I’d better clarify that).

It’s certainly not one of the weirdest dreams I’ve had.  I’m happy that I kept my clothes on throughout the whole dream.  Usually there’s nakedness on my part that I have to hide in strange ways.  I’ve said before that anyone who analyzes dreams would have quite a heyday talking to me about the weird stuff I dream about.

Have you ever had one of those weird dreams that make you go huh?

dream meaning

Oh yeah, and don’t forget to vote for me in the 25 Top Funny Mom Blogs at Circle of Moms… You can vote once every 24 hours until February 13th when the whole thing ends.  I think I’m still pending this morning, but later today will be under the Top Blogs tab, probably way at the bottom!  Vote Here:  Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms

Advertisements

How Mr Ed Could Interview for a Retail Job

It really has nothing to do with this post, but it made me smile.

It really has nothing to do with this post, but it made me smile.

I’ve had a recent uptick in readership, and this is very exciting for me!  I’ve gone from a handful of followers to over 500 in a little over half a year.  It’s wonderful and at the same time a little scary for me.  It just so happens that I have been having a period of a couple of weeks where the ideas just are not flowing like I would like them to be.  I don’t want to disappoint, especially people that are just starting to read my work.  At the same time, I’m trying not to be on the computer so much and focus on my family more.  I am on here a lot between applying for jobs, networking, writing, keeping up with this blog and others, and working on my web page.  You could say it’s a lot of work not having a job!  Ironic, isn’t it?

An explanation to those new to my blog: I’ve been unemployed for going on six months now, with the exception of a few contracted cpr jobs here and there.  It’s not something that I want to get into the details of because, well, I don’t wanna.  Though as you can imagine it weighs a bit on my mind.  Add to that the fact that I’ve been sick for what seems like forever.  And on top of it all, we are having very cold weather with “dangerous” windchills.  When I can’t get outside at all, I get reeeeeeally moody.  Therefore I’m not real inspired, at least not this week.  When I’m writing about my coffeemaker, I’m stretching it a bit.  Ok, a lot.

Anyway, back to the whole not working thing…  For those keeping track, I had a “group interview” two weeks ago for a job at a large discount clothing store opening in our area.   Anyone could walk in and be interviewed in a group. I could have been a talking horse or a plate of jello, but since I went to their website I was immediately invited to do the group thing (as in the interview, not as in that other “group” thing-get your mind out of the gutter!).  I didn’t have high hopes for it, as a matter of fact I almost cancelled, but figured I could use the interview experience and you just never know.  I’m an optimist-there’s some of that “hope” stuff left in me.

As I think back to all of the people that were in the interview and the ones I saw coming through for the next one, I wondered who the heck they would end up hiring (for the record, there were no talking horses present, at least not at the one I went to).  There was the guy who looked almost exactly like Jimmy from Raising Hope but said very little.  There was a girl who reminded me of Luna from Harry Potter. She may not have looked like her, but every time she spoke she sounded and acted freakishly like her. And then there was THIS girl: “OMG, I used to work at Hollister and it really sucked because it was dark and I fell asleep there EVERY freakin day!”  Yet somehow I think that was the girl they ended up hiring.

Obviously I was not one of the ones they hired.  It took them very little time to send that rejection letter.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they had already put it in the mail before I left the parking lot.  I shouldn’t even be remotely surprised.  After all, they did take anyone who applied.  If a talking horse actually had applied and shown up for the interview, we would have probably had equal chances.  Though I thought I had an in, considering the guy conducting the whole thing had been the one who did the last interview I had somewhere else.  Guess it wasn’t them, guess it WAS me.

sheldon suck

I’m not really upset because it was a retail job that paid minimum wage.  On the other hand, I would love to find any way to bring in some extra income at the moment, because of the lack of odd jobs and extra things that I’ve always done in the past!  It makes me wonder why I couldn’t at least be considered for that kind of work.  So I’m kind of bummed, and left wondering in that respect.  Although my husband is gainfully employed at a wonderful company, I really need a job or some sort of income (*ahem* paid writing jobs perhaps?) because we are behind on our bills and I’m not so good at this homemaker thing.  I can’t pay a lot of my bills because I don’t have a job.  Since I don’t have a job, I don’t have money.  Since I don’t have money, I DON’T HAVE MONEY!  😉

This reminds me of something, this from the movie Scrooged:

Frank Cross: You’re staying here with me. We’re working late.
Grace: But I have to take my son to the doctor.
Frank Cross: Grace! When I work late, You work late!
Grace: But I made the appointment two months ago!
Frank Cross: I care! We’re indivisible. If I’m working late, you gotta work late! If you can’t work late, I can’t work late! If I can’t work late, I CAN’T WORK LATE!

(It’s much better with the movie clip, but I couldn’t find one!)

If only I could get job offers from my command of movie quotes, I’d be living the high life.

Despite all the money worries, I am very happy to be able to spend so much time with my kids.  They are the reason WHY it’s such a big worry, but they are also the thing that drives me to try to find my niche.  I hope that all of the frustration, all of the rejection, all of the not hearing anything from some of these businesses is all part of my little journey of finding out what I’ve really been put here on this earth to do.  I’ve written about the fact that I feel like it should be coming to the denouement quite soon (the final resolution of the intricacies of a plot, as of a drama or novel-I had GREAT English teachers in high school which is why I know what this is).  If My Life Were A Movie I’d Hire Better Writers.  But like any good story, there are additional twists and turns in the plot that have to totally throw me off.  Like a mystery, except I’m not a big fan of mysteries…

It's a mystery.  I don't like mysteries.

It’s a mystery. I don’t like mysteries.

For other funny but disturbing stories about my job search, you can check these out:
What I Think Potential Employers Are REALLY Saying About Me
The Job Search:  How It’s Kind of Like Dating

Printer Purgatory

This may very well be taking place in my front yard very soon.

This may very well be taking place in my front yard very soon.

I don’t use consonance for just any reason.  I am really at my wits end these days.  My kingdom for a printer that works right!

I had to get rid of the old Kodak that had a few issues but was fed stuff that it shouldn’t have been fed.  The brilliant work of a toddler.  I don’t remember what exactly was shoved in there but it was certainly akin to putting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a VCR (which is a terrible waste of pb&j if you ask me).  This was the same week that she got a hold of a pen and proceeded to write all over everything in my scrapbooking area.

As it turned out, it was ok timing.  Best Buy had a deal where you could turn in your old printer for credit towards a new one.  So I did, and after hours of painstaking research came home with what I thought was a pretty nifty Kodak ESP 7250.  Wireless, baby.  I could order it to print and have it happen all while laying in my bed.  I’ve never actually done this, by the way.

We coexisted in bliss for awhile before it started having some major problems, and I started going crazy.

Why all the fuss?  Well, for starters, I used to scrapbook like a boss.  I’d churn out pages nightly, all while watching episodes of Bones.  Who knew that David Boreanaz could be so creatively inspiring?  I’m one of those who prints most stuff on my printer, including the pictures.  Partly because of the instant gratification factor, partly because you can’t get all of those different sizes for layouts when you go to Walgreens, and partly because I live nowhere near a place where I can get pictures developed quickly without expending tons of gas.  When my daughter was a wee thing, my husband ordered me to get a Cricut for myself for Christmas, wrap it, and put it under the tree.  My Mom got me the SCAL software the following year, and I was a scrapbooker on crack.

In addition to this, I coupon so we can buy groceries.  You know, stuff to eat besides ketchup sandwiches.  What I can’t find in the newspaper I sometimes am able to find online.  And did I mention that I’m unemployed?  They kind of expect you to have this thing called a resume and cover letter.  Fortunately a lot of this can be done by email, but not everything.  Some places even ask for this on stuff called PAPER!

printer portal

So back to the printer from hell.  If you have a few thousand hours of your life to spare, please buy a Kodak Printer so you can be on the phone with someone whom you can barely understand.  I estimate I’ve spent close to that between the two printers that I have owned.  There’s the online Support as well-a site that rarely has answers that you actually want to hear.  Usually if your printer is having trouble, you’ll spend hours trying to find solutions, only to always come to the same conclusion:

You need a new printhead.

Kodak used to send these out for free.  At least that was worth the thousands of hours trying to print a picture without success.  But now they are going in the toilet, and I just don’t think they care anymore.  So in order to start scrapbooking again without shelling out a ton of dough for ink, I had to pony up the $50 or so for a new printhead.

I pretty much quit scrapbooking about that point.  And this went on for quite some time.   My Mom finally helped me get a new one, but I found the exact printhead I needed on Ebay, about $20 less.  I was excited.  I bought new ink cartridges, I prepared for the arrival of this printhead like some people prepare for the arrival of a new baby.

The day it arrived, it took ten minutes to get it unwrapped, installed, and ready with brand new ink cartridges.  It then took another two hours online lo0king for solutions as to why it didn’t work properly.  It WAS the correct printhead, it just didn’t work any better than the old one.  Then I did an online chat with a support rep.  The end result?  They offered me a new printer.  Oh no, they weren’t going to give it to me.  If I took advantage of this special offer, I could get a brand new one at 30% off.

HOLY COW!  Are you serious????  My old printer isn’t even two years old.  Do they really think I am going to pay over $100 for another one of their printers?  I only paid $50 for the last one, because I am a bargain shopper.  No thank you, I’d rather dropkick the one I have.

Sadly, after trying a few more tricks that I thought I had up my sleeve, I unhooked the printer and laid it to rest.  I saved the ink cartridges, because gosh golly I can at least get Staples rewards points for them.  I felt like I was paying my last respects to an old friend.  One that didn’t treat me all so well.

Then I tried to go on with my life.  I brought in the other printer and hooked it up, my husband’s HP Photosmart that we bought on special when he went back to school.  We did this so I could still scrapbook and he could print papers for school without running me out of ink.  It’s a good printer, but it has an identity crisis.  One of two things typically happens-it either forgets who it is or my computer forgets who it is.

someday my prints will come

Got that?  So now the thousand extra hours that I would be spending dealing with Kodak support is dealing with HP.  I’m either online trying to get the correct software, AGAIN, because you know you have to uninstall and reinstall everything each time it forgets who it is, or I’m standing on a chair putting the wireless password into the printer itself for the zillionth time.  I never thought I’d ever memorize one of those weird passwords, but I know this one by heart.  And it doesn’t take long to run the ink out.  Every year I make calendars for my parents.  This year I was unable to find the blank picture calendars anywhere, so I tried to print the whole calendar pages on the HP.  I ran out of ink halfway through.  Their Christmas present was given to them with this note:  “Get half a year now, get the rest later!”

And of course there was the whole bat cake incident.  Since my computer had forgotten the software, I couldn’t print or copy or do much of anything, including the batman symbol I so desperately needed for my son’s birthday cake.

Enough was enough, I was going to get this all together so I could get my creative life back.  I was going to get that software, make some calendars, and seriously start learning how to use my Adobe Photoshop Elements so I could make some wicked scrapbook pages.  I spent half the day Sunday finding all of the software (again), getting it all ready, even downloading a patch that was supposed to fix all of this nonsense.

Yesterday I tried to print out a recipe.  When I went to print, guess what the program said?  “PRINTER IS OFFLINE”.  The computer knew there was a printer, but the printer did not where it was.

And this, my friends, was when my head exploded.   And it was a mess…

I believe it.

I believe it.

My Life This Week: Not Very Interesting

So far, has anyone messed up and written ’12 instead of ’13 on their checks?  Does anyone still write checks?  I was actually told it was cheaper to write a check to pay a bill yesterday.  So I wrote one, and sent it snail mail.  Weird-I thought they were moving away from paper and ink!

Anyhoo, here is the life I led this week:

Yes.

Yes.

MONDAY-I just plain ran out of time and ambition to finish my post.  It was New Years’ Eve after all.  I did celebrate New Years Eve like a boss though.  Well, that is if celebrating like a boss involves making homemade pizza rolls and watching Mystery Science Theater…

TUESDAY2012 Is Done: The Year In Review So We Can Just Move On  My year and how it went, up and down…

mostly dead

He’s mostly dead, all thanks to Google.

WEDNESDAYMy Glands, My Glands, My Lovely Swollen Glands  What happens when you use Google to figure out what’s wrong with you.  Hint:  Never, ever google your symptoms.  Ever. You WILL think you are mostly dead.  Also, Wordless Wednesday: Coffee  Self explanatory.

THURSDAYWintertime Where The Sleddin Is Easy (If You Have Hills)  I participate in my second Theme Thursday on Something Clever 2.0.  The theme was Winter.  It was probably the easiest post I’ve written in awhile!

FRIDAYSheldon Cooper Lives At My House, And Today He Turns Eight  My oldest had a birthday, and tried to convince us that we were supposed to throw him a surprise party.

The only thing I will ever have in common with Rachel Green is that I am also trained for nothing.

The only thing I will ever have in common with Rachel Green is that I am also trained for nothing.

SATURDAYREBLOG:  What I Think Prospective Employers Are REALLY Saying About Me  I started applying for jobs again after a couple of week hiatus and this still rings true.  What the heck are they looking for out there?  Am I really like Rachel on Friends, and trained for nothing?

This next week:  we’ll revisit the ADD Kitchen for a new chapter, cats versus dogs, and the latest in Baking In A Tornado’s brainchild-The Secret Subject Swap, among other things!

The Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge: Work

I’m doing the Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge, started by A Little Unhinged.  As I go on in the challenge, I decided that some questions are easier answered on their own, and some will be put into a post together.  Today I am answering question #6.

6)  Where have you worked?

Oh Soup Nazi, you were so misunderstood. Much like me…

Oh boy, what a question to ask.  Probably because I currently don’t HAVE a job.  I’ve been in the market for a few months, and haven’t worked full-time in almost a year and a half.  I lost my one on one associate job at an elementary school due to a drop in students needing services.  In the dog eat aardvark world of public schooling, there are no promises.  Because I didn’t have nearly the seniority as other ladies that I worked with (some had been there going on 30 years!) I was the one bid adios to.  This was after my part-time job in the after school program (run by a different organization) was eliminated for attendance reasons the previous year. Gosh darn it, what’s a girl to do?  Short of going out and recruiting children to come and be a part of either program, there really wasn’t a whole lot within my realm of control.  Which is really, well, poopy.  The kicker is that I left a pretty good job that I had done for a long time to take that one.  Previously I had been working in childcare, but could no longer afford childcare for my own kids.  How is that for irony?

I really was the Wonder Woman of Part-Time Employment by then, I worked part-time for another organization that I had taught a few classes for here and there.  My wonderful supervisor that I adored offered me a job that was more than I had been doing.  She, however, was losing HER job.  How sweet is that?  Someone who is losing her job thinks of someone else who is pretty much unemployed?  Almost unheard of!  This particular organization is going to remain nameless, because, well, I haven’t exactly had a lot of nice things to say about them.  I did a lot of different jobs for them for quite awhile, that is until they decided to make my job into an on-call position.  After awhile you REALLY start to take that stuff personally.  Other than when I was on maternity leave, I’ve always worked some sort of job since my senior year of high school.  So it is really strange to be unemployed!

I am still Wonder Woman, but not like you’d think…

I’ve been riding the unemployment train for going on five months now.  It feels like a train going nowhere.  I’ve sent off the applications, probably close to 100 by now, and I still spend a lot of time checking to see if the phone really works.  I know it does, because the bill collectors know how to call pretty frequently.  If nothing else, my frustration of looking for a job makes for excellent blogging opportunities.  You can read my tales of woe here:  What I Think Prospective Employers Are Really Saying About Me, Let’s Build Something Together Shall We? Like A Paycheck, The Job Search:  How It’s Kind of Like Dating.

I’m not totally a loser, I make my whole fifty some dollars a month teaching a class for a local youth service provider.  I’ve plead my case to them on a number of different occasions trying to get them to actually hire me on a part-time versus an as needed basis.  They aren’t buying it, which is really disappointing.  Times are tough man.  Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, nobody knows the sorrow…

But I digress, I’ve done some interesting jobs in my life.  I was a cashier and later a checkout supervisor and service desk associate at Kmart.  By the time I left that employer, I had worked in every department except sporting goods.  I did lots of different jobs at a waterpark, including managing the kitchen and teaching swim lessons.  I’ve worked with every age group possible at several different daycare centers.  And for a long time I worked at Eddie Bauer, which is still my favorite clothing store in the whole wide world.  Sigh… now I can’t afford to shop there.

As for now my job is being Mom, and I’m working on what I hope to be my new career on the side.  I am slowly working my way into being a writer, a PAID one.  Right now I’m blogging and trying to submit different things to some websites that take writer contributions.  So far nothing has been published, but I’m hoping that will change.  Eventually I’m hoping to have my own website where I can show off my stuff.  For now I post each and every day here on this little blog.  I hope you’ll keep reading, because I’d like to think that I’ve still got a little flash of awesome left to show the world.

I don’t think it would be NO work to do what I love. But the kitty is pretty, so I’m using this picture.

Previous Blogger Challenge Posts-This Could Be Fun:  I’m Doing The 15 Day Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge, Where I Grew Up, Favorite Childhood Memories, School

REBLOG: The Sadder But Wiser Girl…Poop Detective

I’m taking Saturday off to enjoy the weather and thought I’d reblog this post from earlier this year. It seems to be a favorite so why not?

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Theme ThursdayThis post has been slightly altered from its original form in order to appease the WordPress gods.  They won’t let you reblog more than once, and I really wanted to link this up to Theme Thursday.  Just sayin…  The theme is to rerun a favorite.  I’m awfully partial to this post, and I’m not sure why.

Two things happened in the past 24 hours that got me thinking.

Yesterday afternoon my phone rang.  I always program different ring tones along with the numbers in my phone so I have a general idea of who is calling.  This particular ringtone I hadn’t heard in quite a while.  It was my former employer, *Disorganization Ltd.  Why the heck would they be calling me?  Oh they have seen the error of their ways, and they really do need someone in their office here.  Not a chance.  I’m glad I didn’t answer, because I…

View original post 823 more words

The Job Search: How It’s Kind of Like Dating

I’m beginning to wonder how long I should wait.

In case you haven’t figured it out, Lowes hasn’t called.  They said they would call me.  Why didn’t they call me?

The rescheduled interview went pretty well, at least I think it did.  It was a little disorganized,  not necessarily anyone’s fault.  I did the second part of the interview first and then the first part second, if that makes any sense.  Everyone seemed pretty laid back and very nice, and I got a good vibe from the supervisor guy who interviewed me first (but was supposed to be second).  The second part of the interview, which was actually the first part (but who’s keeping track?) was on the phone with the HR manager who was actually at a different store.

The only thing that kind of bothered me is that everything was scripted.  Everything was read right off of a piece of paper.  I mean, I’ve had interviews in the past where they might have had some notes on a paper, but not reading everything word for word.  I also had to sign a bunch of stuff before they even interviewed me.  For example, I had to sign that I understood the definition of the job.  It was definitely different in that respect.

I left feeling pretty good about myself.  Kind of like when a first date goes pretty well.  They said I’d hear something midweek, and here it is the end of the week already.  I’m starting to get antsy.  Should I take the bull by the horns and call them?  Is it too soon to call?  Maybe they’re playing hard to get?  What if they think less of me for calling them?   Does my phone even work?

I’m getting the sinking feeling that I have been stood up.  Stood up by a home improvement store.

Job hunting is a bit like dating.  You spend a lot of time trying to find the perfect one.  You get all dressed up for the interview, like going on a date.  If the date goes well, they tell you they’ll call, and you wait and wait and then they don’t.  Or they do call and tell you it’s not you it’s them.  Oh wait, that doesn’t usually happen in dating, they just never call.  Then you go and eat a whole container of ice cream and feel bad and then go on with your life.

You go on with your life, but there are the lingering questions.  Will I ever find the perfect one (job?)  Will I be alone (unemployed) for the rest of my life?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

One major difference here, I don’t think that the “as soon as you stop looking you’ll find someone” applies to the whole job search thing.  Especially in this economy.  I DID meet my husband when I stopped looking, but the job search is a wee bit different in that respect.  At least I think so.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  RIGHT?

You realize this is all a ruse.  If I say they aren’t going to call me, and I publish this today, surely they’ll call and offer me the job.  Or I give in this afternoon and give them a call for them to let me off the hook one way or another so I can get on with my life.  Meanwhile, it’s a no school day and we’ve got the domino rally set up.  I’ve got more fun things to do than to sit around and stare at the phone.

UPDATE:  I called late in the morning.  First I accidentally got hung up on.  Then I got connected to a manager who said they were still interviewing.  The gentleman who interviewed me was going to be left a message to give me a call.  It’s almost 10 pm and I’ve heard nothing.  Sounds like it’s going to be up in the air a few more days. Thank you for all of the wonderful thoughts!  I am so lucky to have such great friends as you!  I’ll keep everyone posted.  For now, a nice glass of wine…

Job Interview Postponement Hypotheses

I know it says IKEA, but this could happen at Lowes, right? Maybe they ran out of seats for me to try assembling. It could happen, they run out of stuff.

A quick update on the interview:

Someone from Lowes called while I was in the shower.  Apparently the lady who was supposed to do the interview had to go home sick.  So we have rescheduled for the same time, same place NEXT Thursday afternoon.

Needless to say, I was a little bummed because it’s a miserable rainy day and my way out of the house for a bit was pretty much squashed.  I kind of lost all ambition for the rest of the day, and curled up under my blanket with my kid and my dog (because they won’t let me get away!)  Not having a lot to do led me to a few hypotheses as to why this happened:

1)  My daughter does not want me to go back to work. I know because she tells me almost constantly.  Being with me all hours of the day isn’t enough for me to work a few hours and be away from her on the weekend.  Apparently she’s learning voodoo, and made the interview person sick.  I suspect the dog had a hand in that as well.

2)  This is like in the movies, where something glorious and wonderful is going to happen so I don’t have to take the job.  I don’t play the lottery, so I’m thinking I’d better start.

3)  It’s not meant to be, and next Thursday afternoon all of the interview panel will die or be horribly maimed in a horrible home improvement related accident.  I’m thinking something to do with the shade cutter in the window treatment aisle.

4) They’re all liars.  They misread my resume and thought I was someone else.  Or someone else was me.  Or something.  And eyes were bleeding.

5)  The interview lady is really just sick.  She may have kids that use her sleeves as tissues too.  Been there, got sick.

So next Thursday it’s supposed to happen.  I’ll let you know…

I don’t have the fluffiness to fall back on that. I was pretty unmotivated today once I got the news, though.

The ADD Mom Is Bored

I’ve been there.

It’s a typical weekday night. A little before 9 pm. Everyone is in bed.  I’m a little bored.  It’s not that there aren’t things I could do, I just don’t have the motivation or brainpower to do them.

So what exactly do I do to pass the time?  Read on:

The first thing I do after everyone goes to bed is get my big soft comfy blanket.  Then I have a snack that I don’t have to share.  I eat cinnamon graham crackers along with my Diet Sunkist Lemonade.  I agree the tastes aren’t exactly complimentary, but I like it.  I fight with the dog, who is trying to steal my cinnamon graham crackers.  He can’t have any, like I said I don’t share!  No wine tonight, that’s only on the weekend.

I go and check to make sure my son has remembered to not read past 9 pm.  He’s out cold.  Books are dangling out of his loft.  At least he remembered to turn his light out.

I sit back down and check the DVR.  There’s nothing on here I want to watch.  Parenthood gave the Mom cancer.  Not fair.  I’m not watching that.  Realize that I have a lot of hostility directed towards TV shows choices for their characters.

My laptop has been open this whole time-this is when I check on Facebook.  Comment on posts commenting on posts.  Realize that everyone has a more exciting life than me, sitting here all by myself with my Diet Sunkist Lemonade.

I find some stuff to read.  I go to Confessions on ScaryMommy.com. Some of these moms I can relate to.  Others-like Moms that smoke pot and cuss about their husbands and kids?  Oooooooh, I feel like a really, really good Mom now!  My Mom license is not in jeopardy tonight!

I check my email.  Uh-huh, I really must be on the school’s blacklist.  How about you guys just email me back and tell me you don’t need subs?  Grrrr!

Suddenly a stuffed animal comes flying down the stairway.  I calmly usher my daughter back to bed.

I read fellow bloggers blogs.  I comment on posts I like.  This is National Pork Awareness Month?  I never realized just how important it is to recognize pork.

I then go to look at job boards.  I sob quietly to myself.  I will never find a job…  Oh look, there’s a part-time opening for a “Floating Teller”.

I go up and check on my daughter.  She is sound asleep as well.  There’s no room for her in the bed between the stuffed animals and all of her books.  I want to take a picture but my camera battery is dead.  I really should charge that.

I read up on legitimate ways to make extra money.  I don’t want to sell stuff like Tupperware (how many consultants can an area have, seriously?)  I can’t donate sperm for money.  It has a disclaimer that you must be a guy.  Duh.  The online stuff looks interesting, but is it legit?

Back to Facebook.  Snicker at stuff I shouldn’t find funny.  Look at people’s timelines…

I just now realize that football has been on the TV for over an hour.  WHY?????  I turn it over to Conan.  A bit of self-deprecating humor for my night.

I’m so bored I Google myself. Wow!  I didn’t know there was someone with the same name as me!  A golfer.  How cool.  There’s also lots of references to my LinkedIn page.  You’d think that would help in the job search!  I also look at the images-I didn’t realize there were so many of me that look so different.

I come back to my blog and mess around on my dashboard. Oh look, here are the search terms people have used to get to my site.  Hmmmm… some of those are a bit disturbing.  Note to self, never put the word “penis” in a blog post title again.

I go back to Google to try to figure out how to become a freelance writer.  I need my own website?  I have to advertise myself?  Can’t I just be awesome?

I work on a blog post.  I also look for pictures to go with it.  Hey there’s going to be a Wayne’s World 3?  Oh it’s a joke.  Now I’m sad.  I work on different blog post.  I have seven of them I’m working on at a time, you know.  I work on my other blog.  I briefly contemplate having a third blog.  No… let’s not disturb a whole new set of people just yet.

Back to Facebook.  No one loves me.  I repost something funny yet disturbing.

Out of desperation, I look at jobs on Craigslist.  How many of these are real?  How many of them are actually murderers advertising for help?  How desperate am I for a job?

Someone commented on my blog! I read the comment. I then realize this isn’t Facebook, so I can’t “like” the comment.  I comment on the comment.

I let the dog out to pee.  I try to get him to come right back in.  He’s chasing moths, imagine that.

I turn off the TV and turn on the Ambient music on Itunes to help me wind down to sleep.  I google “ways to get out of the house when you are broke”.  I don’t find what I am looking for.

I take half an Ambien.  I have to feel sleepy SOMETIME!  Hey I just got that, “Ambient” and “Ambien” must have a connection!!  After this revelation, I let the dog back in.

I go back to Facebook.  It’s the last time, really.  I type things I probably won’t remember in the morning.  Then I realize I’ve been asleep at my computer for 15 minutes.  Off to bed.  It’s 1 am.

And THAT is a typical evening for me… exciting, huh?

What I Think Prospective Employers Are REALLY Saying About Me

I had two things happen to me that were kind of interesting this past week.

My husband read one of my blog posts.  He liked it.  He liked it so much he shared it with people at work.  And they loved it.  This was nice.

The other thing was a conversation I had with our librarian.  Somehow we got on the subject of preschool and the fact that I used to teach it.  She asked if I had ever considered starting my own.  Why yes I have, but I don’t have any space in my house for such a thing.  When I shared this with her, she motioned to the empty building across the street and said, “There’s a whole empty building over there.  You should look into it.”

For the first time in quite a while I was actually a little excited.  Might be something worth looking into.  I loved teaching preschool.  Then I opened my mouth to my husband, who shot me down.  He was just being his usual, honest self.  But I felt a little like I’d been shot in the heart.  I crawled back into my hopeless hole of despair and unemployment.

Oh come on, you gotta know the song. “Gloom, despair, and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it ain’t for bad luck I got no luck at all. Gloom, despair, and agony on me. They just don’t make good quality shows like Hee Haw anymore…

A couple of nights ago I basically tried to sell my soul for a job at a major bank.  It was a teller position.  After I applied I was told I had to take a test.  I was told I had to take it in a quiet place, and have pen and paper handy.  So I did what they said.  It was ridiculous.  There was ONE question on it that had anything to do with money.  The rest were questions about how comfortable I felt selling products to people, and what kind of sales awards I had received, etcetera.  Needless to say, I’m sure they won’t be calling me.  What ever happened to just dealing with money?  Why does everything have to be SALES?  Why DID I spend five years in college again?

I am forming a theory about some of the places that I have applied and who looks at the stuff that comes in.  I have to, because if I don’t laugh at it I really am going to start to cry.  Queen Bavmorda is out today in a baaaaaaad way.  I think she may have killed my cheerleaders, or they are just very, very sick.

This is who I think might be reading my resumes…

I think that Statler and Waldorf are in charge at some of the places I apply at.  Or somebody like that.  I have this whole imagined scenario in my head of each place I have applied of what happens when they receive my stuff.

The Clinic-There is one particular medical clinic n my area that I have applied for several positions now.  Here’s what I think went down recently:

Person #1:  “Hey, this person has applied for close to twenty jobs with us now.  We’re running out of people to fill all of these positions that we always have open, should we give her a call for an interview?”

Person #2:  “Nah, I am really, really liking this monkey.  He can fling his poo and everything.”

Maybe the monkey is the one reading the resume?

The University-The Lab School

University Hiring Person:  “This girl is perfectly qualified for this substitute preschool position we have open!”

Unpaid Intern Person:  “There’s purple on her resume.  I HATE PURPLE!”  Then he tosses the resume into the incinerator.

The University-Secretary and Coordinator Positions

Resume Reader Person: “BWAH HA HA!  How dare this person think she is even worthy of applying to our sacred school of perfection.  She is like a flaming bag of dog poop!”  Then he tosses my resume into the, well, flaming pile of dog poop that just happens to be there.

Why thank you, I rather liked that one myself.

The Library-There was a wonderful position open at, yes, a public library.  I really thought I might have had a shot at this one.

Librarian:  “I sense a disturbance in the force.  I feel…yes, this person has a blog.  I hate blogs.”  Makes a paper airplane out of my resume and flies it into the chandelier.

The City-I admit this one was stretching it a bit, but I really was qualified for the position.

City Person A:  “It says here in several previous positions she worked with children.”

City Person B:  “Ewww!  I bet she smells like children!  Into the shredder!”

The Community College-There were two very interesting jobs here.  I’m sad.

Resume Expert:  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  My eyes!  My eyes!”   Eyes catch on fire as she looks at my resume.  Medical attention is required.  As she receives medical help, the resume is dropped on the floor and swept up by the janitor.

The Place Where My Husband Works

Human Resources Person:  “As impressive as this resume is, I can’t hire this person because we have already hired her husband.  If we hire her, the degree of awesomeness this company will experience will cause the END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.”  Puts my resume far, far, far back into the drawer of the file cabinet.

Target-Yes I applied at Target.  Don’t judge me.  I’m desperate.

Professional resume reader with a large target tattooed on her head:  “Oh look, another Target shopper thinks she can work here.  WRONG!”  Hits delete.

I think I’m going to be like Noah Wyle on “The Librarian”.  I am going to go back to school and major in every possible thing I can.  At least maybe someday I’ll have a shot at a job!

DISCLAIMER:  I have a wonderful cousin who works in Human Resources for her job.  She is nothing like these people.  I’m sure she doesn’t keep a pile of flaming dog poo in her office, either.