Fly on the Wall March 2013: The Michael Bolton Edition


Have you ever thought about what people might think if they saw what goes on behind-the-scenes at your house? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to catch a glimpse of someone else’s daily life? Here’s your chance. Today 16 brave bloggers are inviting you into their homes to be a fly on the wall.

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on the link below the post for a peek into some other homes:

Originally I was going to do a post solely dedicated to Evil Genius.  Then I went ahead and used my material for A Man, A Plan, And A Stache.  However, I do think I can share these gems that I already have taken up the memory on WordPress since I uploaded it previously.  May I present evolution in my household…

February 2013-001

No hair, full beard, and then pornstache. We’re now back to clean shaven.

There wasn’t just the growth, reduction and then removal of facial hair going on this month, we had other things happening too:

Me to Evil Genius “Aren’t you done yet with that game you’re playing?  What is it, Twilight?”
Evil Genius:  “It’s Skyrim!  Not Twilight!  How dare you insult my game?”
In my defense, I knew it had to do with the sky.

The Professor is laughing hysterically at first a show and then a commercial after it.  It was getting out of hand.
“Ok, that’s enough!”  Evil Genius says to him.
“All right,” The Professor replies “I’ll only laugh if something’s funny.”
Evil Genius interjects, “I hope so.  People that laugh at things that aren’t funny are called crazy people.”

Princess:  “Mommy you are older than when you were 18 years old.”
Me “Yes.”
Princess:  “You are older than when you were four years old.”
Me:  “Yes, where are you going with this?”

Evil Genius:  “Anyone have a protractor?”
Me:  “Yes, I think there is one up in the **crap cabinet…. Oh wait, is that the thingie that you draw circles with or the arc thingie?”
Evil Genius: *hysterical laughter for quite some time*  “It’s the arc looking thing.  The other of which you speak is a compass.”
Me:  *Goes upstairs to the crap cabinet, cannot find this arc looking thing so I bring what I can find*  “Can I interest you in fancy letter stencils, a ruler, or a bowl that you can trace?”
**The Crap Cabinet is our Craft Cabinet, only we quit calling it that a long time ago…

Am I the only one who sees 99 views on my blog and automatically goes THERE-you know, to singing “99 Blog Page Views…”.  Oh come ON, it’s to the tune of 99 Red Balloons!

Evil Genius to Princess Difficult:  “Give me back my hat!  I need it until I get a sombrero.”

The Professor:  “I want carrots, but not those Pehtight ones.”
WHAT????  It took me a minute… “Oh, you mean the petite ones!”

Me to Evil Genius “I’m freaking out a little.  We got some ominous looking mail today.”
Evil Genius gives me a strange look “Ominous?”
ME:  “It was playing organ music and everything.”

Princess Difficult is eating some leftover fish from the night before:  “Mommy, did you catch this fish in the ocean?”

Evil Genius:  “You know what my Ipod is missing?  Michael Bolton.”
And then we had to look up his music because neither of us could remember anything by him except this SNL digital short:

Princess Difficult to me after spending the day with grandma while I worked:  “Mommy I will NEVER let you go out by yourself again!”

On a Monday morning at 5:45 am, Evil Genius was trying to finds his steel-toed boots.  He could only find one.  We were both just dumbfounded about where the other one could be.  He went to work sans boots.  That night when he got home he asked The Professor if he had seen his boot.  The Professor knew right where it was.  He ran into his room and appeared with the boot.  The reason it was in his room? “We kept it just in case the boxelder bug came back.”

The Princess is giving all of the kitties on the various animal shelter websites that show up in my newsfeed on Facebook.  “That one is Flossie.  I want to call that one Mimi.”  She spies a long haired gray one.  “That one is named Alcohol!”

Evil Genius told me that someone he knew made Scottish eggs.
Me:  “Aren’t those the eggs with the meat around them?”
Evil Genius:  “Yes.”
Me:  “Sounds unhealthy.”
Evil Genius:  “If you wrapped en egg with ground chicken, could you then ask ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg?'”

I hope you enjoyed this look into the nuttiness that goes on in my house!  Now check out these other links and see what a fly on the wall would see in their household!

Fly on the Wall February 2013: The Professor’s Edition


Have you ever thought about what people might think if they saw what goes on behind-the-scenes at your house? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to catch a glimpse of someone else’s daily life? Here’s your chance. Today 16 brave bloggers are inviting you into their homes to be a fly on the wall.

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on the link below the post for a peek into some other homes:

Believe it or not I do have another child besides the Princess.  The Professor is my son and he is eight years old. His sister tends to dominate my blog posts because she is quite the dominant little individual. She is constantly saying off the wall things, while he is much more logical about his thoughts.  He asks a lot of questions, a lot of really good questions all the time that I can’t answer!  Most of the time you will find him with his nose in a book or watching TV while standing on his head.  It’s very nice to see him play-he will actually play action figures with his little sister, at least until she drives him crazy!  This is huge because he has never really been one to “play” before.

When he was little Evil Genius and I were talking about potty training.  He climbed up on the couch between us and said, “What’s this potty train?  I would like to ride that!”  Such a logical little guy!

I feel bad for him because he often gets the short end of the stick.  For instance, his birthday.  It’s right after Christmas, so he tends to not get as many presents, or the weather is bad, or one year he was in the hospital and we ended up doing his cake and ice cream quite a while after his special day so that he could at least have some of it (yeah, he was THAT sick).  This year he asked for a trip to the Science Center, and we gladly went with that, but one thing after another has thwarted the plans.  His dad was sick, I was sick, his dad had to work, it snowed a lot.  Since we could only go on the weekend, we’re kind of limited to when we can go.  Luckily he has been very cool with it-but I know he wants to go in the worst way!

He has a lot of little quirks, and I so wish he could find a friend that would accept him despite all the things that he does.  He does have his sister, but that’s not quite the same thing.  She is so bossy and he often just goes with it.  Often he will be coerced into doing something by her, we have to remind him that she is only four and NOT HIS BOSS!

He has an interesting little sense of humor.  He put this on his head "I'm a banana!"

He has an interesting little sense of humor. He put this on his head “I’m a banana!”

The Professor:  “I think I would like to have a piece of gum.”The Princess:  “Me too, except I don’t want any.”  See what he has to put up with?

Recently Evil Genius’s sister came up with her kids (she has five now, four at the time).  The kids all go off to play.  Shortly afterwards The Professor emerges from his bedroom and comes and sits with the adults.  “Hi.” He says.  “You said I need to socialize more.  So I’m here to socialize.”

We leave the house to go to choir practice.  Evil Genius yells to the kids “Go to the car quick because it’s freezing out here!”
The Professor runs across the lawn yelling, “I’m losing all my heat through my head!”

At Open House he shows us his favorite part of the school-the library, of course!

At Open House he shows us his favorite part of the school-the library, of course!

The Professor is having some anger management issues at school.  In particular, he can’t stand it when he doesn’t get his way.  This carried over to at home, where he is quite upset when he doesn’t get to do exactly what he wants.  We had a long talk about it, and in the end I simply told him that I was always here if he wanted to talk to me.
“No you’re not.”  He said
“Yes, I’m always here for you.”  I said, a bit shocked at his response.
“NO, YOU’RE NOT!”  He repeated.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, sometimes you leave the house,” he replied.
Ah my son, always the literal one.

The Professor:  “Mom, tell Dad not to spank me because I already spanked myself.”

Since there was no school due to the snowy weather, I let both kids sleep in.  When I checked on The Professor he began apologizing to me: “I am SOOOO sorry but I tripped over a box of larvae and spilled it everywhere!”
It was just a dream, we usually don’t keep larvae in our house.  What does that kid dream about????

Grandma brought him a package of new socks.  She asked him to show me his socks, so he promptly stuck his foot up in the air for me to see.  Wrong socks, kiddo.

The Professor sat down next to me and said “I’m thinking I’d like a new book.  A non-fiction book.  I want a book that will teach me about animals that eat people, like bears or sharks.”  Interesting… I hope he’s not researching a new pet.

He’s so into video games, and his dad is currently addicted to Skyrim, so he spends a lot of time upstairs watching him play.  But sometimes he will come downstairs and sit with me to keep me company while his sister and dad stay upstairs.  I love that about him…

He really puts up with a lot with this little stinker.

He really puts up with a lot with this little stinker.

Please check out the other blogs who are participating at Baking in a Tornado!                                    

Fly on the Wall January 2013: The Princess Edition

Did I mention my cat tries to catch flies?

Did I mention my cat tries to catch flies?

Have you ever thought about what people might think if they saw what goes on behind-the-scenes at your house? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to catch a glimpse of someone else’s daily life? Here’s your chance. Today 14 bloggers are inviting you into their homes to be a fly on the wall.

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on the links below the post for a peek into some other homes:

I actually have TWO children.  I have my son, The Professor, who is chatty if you want to know all about the latest superheroes and scientific theories.  Here and there he has a good one.  However the one who says the classic stuff in our house is The Princess.  I decided to make this month all about her, though if you ask her, it’s ALWAYS about her!

The Princess:  “Is Doody home yet?”
Me:  “You mean Daddy?”
The Princess:  “No, Doody is Spanish for Daddy.”

Princess:  “Mommy, how can you be older than Daddy when he’s taller?”
Later on, she’s still trying to figure it out:  “I know Daddy is taller because his chair is bigger than the couch!”

Princess:  “Daddy, your shoes are the perfect size for killing bugs!”

Me, looking at the snow falling outside: “Get out the four wheel drive!”
The Princess, frowning:  “But Mommy, all cars have four wheels!”

What else do you do with the death star but make a death star bra?

What else do you do with the death star but make a death star bra?

The kids are settling in to the easy chair with Daddy, one kid on each side of him. Princess:  “I’m sitting on the LOVE side!”
Evil Genius: “What side is your brother sitting on?”
Princess:  “The NOT love side.”

The Princess:  “Mommy, I am a big ball of wax, all ready to be made into a crayon.”

The Princess appears with her magic wand.  “Hold still Mommy, I need to change you into a good mommy.”
Me, a little hurt:  “Oh, aren’t I a good mommy?”The Princess:  “This will make you a good mommy ALL the time.”

Evil Genius:  “What are you doing in the kitchen?”
Princess:  “Puttin maggots on the fridgerator.”
(They were magnets, apparently the ‘n’ is not important to her)

I hear The Princess talking to the Professor just out of my line of sight by the can box.
“I just drink what’s left out of them and then put them in there,”  I hear her say.
Me:  “WHOA!  Who’s drinking what out of WHAT?”
The Princess:  “Um… I’m drinking the water.”
I still can’t see her.  “What water?”  I ask.
“The water out of the lady cans.”she replies
She comes into my line of sight with one of my Diet Sunkist Lemonade cans in her hand.
“I drink what’s left out of these.” she says sheepishly.
I roll my eyes, “Stay away from Daddy’s cans.”  This is because the only cans he has are beer cans.
“OH NO.  Those are man cans.  I only drink out of LADY cans.”

She's always on, that's for sure.

She’s always on, that’s for sure.

The Princess would like to thank you for reading this month’s Fly on the Wall.  Now she commands you to go visit all the other blogs that are also participating.  Failure to do so means OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!  I’d do it if I were you…                                  


Fly On The Wall-The Holiday Edition 2012

christmas fly

Have you ever thought about what people might think if they saw what goes on behind-the-scenes at your house? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to catch a glimpse of someone else’s daily life? Here’s your chance! Today 12 bloggers are inviting you into their homes to be a fly on the wall.

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on the links below my post for a peek into some other homes:

I’ve often wondered if someone were to ever listen in on the bizarre conversations that take place in our humble abode, they would really wonder about us.  It’s ok because I wonder about us too.  Especially myself, I can’t even seem to type “abode” today.  I keep typing “adobe”.  Anyhoo, I heard about this “Fly on the Wall” thingie and had to take part in it.  It’s a compilation of little bits of things said in our house. 

For those who don’t regularly read my blog:
Evil Genius is my hard working, very tired engineer husband.
The Professor is my
almost eight year old son, like Sheldon Cooper but without the germ phobia.
Princess Whatever We Are Calling Her That Day is my four and half year old daughter who very soon will be ruling the world.
And I am The Sadder But Wiser Girl, unemployed anxious mother, blogger, aspiring writer, and
professional procrastinator.

Yes, be afraid.  Be very afraid.

It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and the princess is ready to decorate.  She marched right upstairs and yelled at her father to “Go downstairs and get the Christmas!!!”  That must have been an order.

The Professor comes running out of his room, a bit alarmed. “Are you ok?” I ask him.
“Yes,” he says breathlessly, and continues to stand there.
“Well what’s going on?” I ask, a little concerned.
“Oh nothing Mom, I was just reading the warnings under the chair in my room.”

We have been wanting to make waffles for awhile.  I usually try to make stuff healthy, so I found a great recipe online.
The Professor is suspicious, of course:  “What’s in it?” he asks, wrinkling up his nose a bit.
“Whole wheat and wheat germ.” I reply.
“Germs?  You’re going to give me GERMS???”

Princess Difficult:  “Mommy is that Ralph the Red-nosed Reindeer?”
Me:  “Rudolph?”
Princess Difficult:  “Who’s that?”

Evil Genius:  “I sure go through a lot of deodorant.  I must have large armpits or something.”

School lunch has been a bit of a struggle for the child who eats nothing.  Often if it’s something that doesn’t get eaten we “recycle” it for another time, like if it’s peanut butter and crackers or a peanut butter sandwich.  The other day I asked The Professor what meal he wanted to eat his sandwich-tomorrow’s lunch, snack, or breakfast.  “BREAKFAST?  You can eat peanut butter for BREAKFAST?” he asked incredulously.

Princess Difficult:  “A damanshen is a big house that people live in.”

Princess Difficult:  “Mommy what are you doing?  Oh, you’re bunning.”
Me:  “What’s bunning?”
Princess “It means you’re putting something on a plate.”

Evil Genius to kids:  “You need to use elbow grease to clean the table.”*Silence and strange looks from the kids*
“Do you know what elbow grease is?”
The Professor “It’s stuff that comes out of your elbow.”

We’re drinking hot chocolate.  I take a sip and burn my tongue a little on it.
My daughter reacts:  “Oh no Mommy, you had a HOT ATTACK!”  😀

The Professor:  “Why is your underwear in my laundry?”
Evil Genius:  “Why is your laundry in my underwear?”

Princess “If I got eaten by a shark, I would miss my Mommy.”
Professor: “No, you’d be dead.”

We went to leave the nursing home where my aunt is staying.  My uncle followed us out, and commented on the fact that I must have entered the door code correctly.  “I don’t hear any bells and whistles!”
The Professor ducked and yelled “Missiles?  What missiles?”
First I told he said ‘whistles’ not ‘missiles’.  I then had to spend a little bit explaining that they don’t shoot missiles at people who try to leave the home.

Princess Difficult:  “Let the decorating COMMENCE!”
The Professor: “What does commence mean?”
Princess Difficult:  “It means BEGIN!”

Me:  “We need ugly Christmas sweaters.”
Evil Genius:  “OK, but only if mine lights up.”

Princess Difficult, upon pulling up at the Animal Rescue League, “Oh good, maybe we can adopt a reindeer.”

Princess Difficult:  “Can you open these window markers for me?”
Me:  “No, we’re not using those today.”
A minute later I see her going upstairs carrying the markers.
“Where are you going with those?” I ask.
“I’m taking them upstairs to think about them.”

Direct orders given recently at our house:
“Quit licking the spider!”
“Don’t punch the Christmas tree.”
“Don’t lick her head.”

We got about a foot of snow and blizzard conditions as well as very cold wind chills here this week.  Princess Christmas doesn’t remember snow that actually sticks around.  She kept checking outside every few minutes.  “Yep, the snow is still there!”

Scared yet?

Peace and goodwill to all this holiday season.

Peace and goodwill to all this holiday season.

Please check out these other blogs to see what the flies hear in their house!!!!

If Unicorns Fart Glitter And Poop Rainbows, Where Does Glitter Glue Come From?

This morning I told my daughter that unicorns fart glitter.  There was no particular reason for that.  It just launched out of my mouth.  I’m waiting for that one to come back to haunt me.  Probably during the children’s sermon on Sunday.  Gee, and I didn’t even think about them pooping rainbows.

My kids’ teachers are sooooooo going to hate them.  Call it my vendetta against public education.  You shun me, I’ll turn my kids and their big mouths lose on you.  Not really, it’s just the same stuff that runs rampant on my posts on here.  When I’m out in public and the social anxiety kicks in, a lot of people probably don’t even know I can talk.  But when I’m at home in my comfort zone, bizarre stuff comes out of my mouth.  It’s like the kid in me never quite went away, and I am sure that all of this will eventually come back to haunt me some day when my kids start blabbing to the teachers.

The Professor already has a serious problem with saying whatever flies into his brain, it then swoops right down out of his mouth.  This summer we were at Princess Defiant’s swim lessons.  Since he has a serious fear of any water that’s deeper than a couple of feet, he took private lessons and therefore played in the wading area while she was swimming.  He didn’t seem to notice that all of the other children there were a third of his age.  He DID notice the adults, and talked to them, nonstop, the entire time.

I was engrossed in watching my daughter when I overheard my son say to one of the parents, “You know, there are words that I can’t say.  Bad words.  My Dad says them, but he says I can’t.  I think that when I’m in third grade, I’ll be old enough to start saying those words.”  I quickly jumped up and put an end to that conversation before he started reciting all of those words that he’s not allowed to say.

Princess Defiant is still in the “Hey, Hey, HEY I Want To Be The Center Of The Attention And I’ll Say Anything To Get It” Phase.  Luckily, most of what comes out of her mouth is pretty tame.  Sometimes a little weird, and of course I have to jump in and offer an explanation (to which people think “Hey, she CAN TALK?”)  Most recently it had to be during library storytime.  Our awesome children’s librarian was reading a story, and I could hear my daughter over there saying “Hey, HEY!  GUESS WHAT?  Hey! I have something to tell you!”  I turn around and shush her.  I’m not sitting with her, because she wants me to be invisible unless she has to go to the bathroom.  She wants to be ALONE at the library during storytime, like her brother.  Anyhoo, me shushing from across the room is about as effective as me shushing her from somewhere two blocks away, because she keeps going.  Finally, she says in her loudest but not quite yelling voice, “I MADE A ZAMBONI!”

THAT got everyone’s attention.  The librarian and the good parents in the reading area all turned and looked at me.  I laughed nervously and told them it was something she made out of a box.  Everyone turned back around, but I got some straaaaaaaange looks.  Since I was already looking for my perfect nonexistent future employer on my laptop anyway, I pulled up the picture and showed them after storytime.  I still got some strange looks, but also some impressed ones too.  This was all her idea.  I simply supplied the box, paper, and toilet paper tubes.  Want to know how to make your very  own zamboni?  Oh, we have the goods right here.

For the record, this is what started all the zamboni business. I still don’t think she really knows what a zamboni is.

Kind of on the subject, I wonder what would happen if she saw a pile of glitter.  Would she think that a unicorn had visited?  For that matter, if unicorns fart glitter and poop rainbows, is she going to wonder where glitter glue comes from?  Ooooooooh, I really won’t go there.

Kids Say the Weirdest Stuff…But It’s So FUNNY!

Kind of having a bleh day.  Spent all day trying to save money while spending money to feed my family.  So instead of blogging random nonsense that noone cares about, I give you the kid’s greatest hits:


I’m sure the kids and animals in my house have had similar conversations.

This afternoon Princess Not Listening picked up the dog’s rawhide bone that he never chews on says “I want to go play with the dog in the yard. I’m going to take this suspicious bone”.
Me: “You mean delicious.”
Princess Not Listening: “Noooo, suspicious”.
I never did get it out of her what was so suspicious about it.

The Professor told me his stomach felt funny. Upon further questioning, he admitted he ate some of the unpopped kernels out of his popcorn yesterday.
Without thinking, I said that either they would pop inside of him or he’d poop them out.
I’m not sure what’s funnier: the kids’ detailed descriptions of just how, when, and where he’ll poop them out (I told his sister she COULD NOT watch) or his little sister worried that he is going to pop. She’s kept her hands over her ears, just in case.

The Professor’s Very Useful Advice for today: He informed me as I am putting sheets and clothes in the dryer “If you have laundry that has flammable gas on it, you’ll need to put it on the clothesline, not in the dryer.” Where does he get this stuff?

Princess Funny hasn’t quite got the knock knock joke thing down yet. Princess Funny: “Knock knock” Me: “Who’s there?” PF: “Pajamas”. Me: “Pajamas who?” PF (very enthusiastically): “PAJAMAS UNDERWEAR BUTT PANTS!” I try not to laugh, but I end up making a snorting sound-there’s just something about little kids who think the words underwear and butt are funny-I just can’t help laughing!

The Professor: “Mom I know you are a vegetarian”. Me: “I used to be.” The Professor: “Well I’m a vegetarian too because I eat lots of fruits and vegetables”. Me: “Oooooook. (thinking a lot of fruits and vegetables must be the occasional baby carrots and raisins) Actually a vegetarian is someone who doesn’t eat meat”. The Professor: “Oh, then I guess I’m an everythingatarian!”

Recent Quote from the Princess: “That’s not Woody, that’s Buzz Light Beer”.

My daughter announced this to me one morning: “Mommy, baby butterflies sleep in a special place called a cucumber.”

Me (to the kids): “It really helps me out when you put things away. There are other things I like to do instead of cleaning.” Princess Sarcasm (agreeing wholeheartedly): “Yes, like sleeping and sitting on the couch.”

My daughter (singing to the tune of Baa Baa Black Sheep): Capillary, capillary, capillary capillary, capillary capillary capillary capillary.” Me: “You’re singing about capillaries???” The Princess (sighs, disgusted with me): “No MOM, I’m singin ‘cabulary'” (Vocabulary) I swear she muttered “duh” under her breath just after that. I guess watching the Electric Company must be paying off.

Quote of the day- Princess Tantrum “A thousand years ago, my Mommy got married.”

Some kids read the backs of the cereal boxes. My son had to be asked to please stop reading the box of Maxi pads I bought. Never a dull moment…

In church recently. The Professor-“When’s Sunday School?” Me-“After Communion”. The Professor-“After Comedians?” Me-“No, Communion”. The Professor-“Oooooh, Chameleon”. I gave up after that.

Evil Genius to The Professor: “Hey you want to go see Iowa State play Texas?”
The Professor: (pause) “OK but it will take a LONG time to get there…” (We live in Iowa).

Overheard at my house: “Look, I’m a marsupial!” “We’re pretending to be TERMITES!” “I have a butt moustache”. “It’s like I have a robotic foot!” Oh my… my family is WEIRD!

You know your three year old watches too much TV when you comment that the cat feels smooth after being brushed and she says “Smooth, like Keith Stone! He’s always smooth.”

My daughter and I are petting the dog.  I tell her to feel his ears, and how soft they are compared to the rest of his fur.  Later on, she gives her brother the information:  “The ears are the softest part of a dog’s body.”  The Professor reaches up and feels his own ears:  “Mom, she’s right, my ears ARE the softest part of my body!”