Previous Terrible Attempts at Humorous Poetry (And it Does Have A Christmas Reference in it)

I used to do poetry on my blog, and the results were somewhat terrible but also a little humorous.  I’ve had this fresh in my mind because I have been trying to enter the Twelve Days of Haiku contest over on Ninja Mom.  You basically try to modernize “The Twelve Days of Christmas” in Haiku form.  Here I thought if I could write a haiku about Taco Time (yes I really did) that I could whip one up in no time flat.  Not so much-the results have been no less than terrible.  However, there have been some really great ones (in other words not mine) submitted, stop by her blog and check them out (in her comments).  And check out her blog too if you haven’t already-she rocks!

If you’ve been following my blog for a long time, you’ve already read this.  In other words it’s sort of a reblog but one that’s much improved.  This is one of my early posts when I barely knew how to use WordPress.  This is one of those posts that drives me CRAZY because the formatting is completely messed up in the original post. I actually sort of figured out how to fix this, which is very exciting!  If this is your first time reading this, I hope you like it-most Moms can relate!

Indiana Jones and The Evil Couch of Doom (AKA Crap I Found In My Couch)

Is it an eeeeevil couch?

Is it an eeeeevil couch?

Instead of going outside to play,
I decided to clean up my house today.
I took the vacuum and to my couch I went,
What a lot of time there I spent!

What to my wondering eyes should appear
Was no miniature sleigh, but three bottlecaps from beer
A treasure trove of things that belong to my kids
Such as seven different markers without any lids.

A miniature conditioner and shampoo,
A DS Game, A Leapster game, a rawhide chew
Black and white polka dotted underwear
Three socks, none of them a matching pair.

Barrettes and rubber bands, a brush for the cat
A blue colored pencil a red lego guy hat
Seven lite Brite pegs, a crayon, some sand
A Lego Luigi who just had one hand

A spoon, a coupon, five pens, some rocks
Cheerios, a lip balm, green bristle blocks
A washrag, granola, Kleenex times four,
Puzzle pieces, stickers, beads, beads galore!

Magnets, a penny, a notebook, a racecar
My what a lot of things there are!
This is the crap I found in my couch
No wonder I always seem like such a grouch!

Dog eating couch!Disclaimer:  No animals have actually been harmed by our couch.

Dog eating couch!
Disclaimer: No animals have actually been harmed by our couch.

The Morn Before Thanksgiving: The Messy House

The Morn Before Thanksgiving:  The Messy House

Twas the morn before Thanksgiving  and it’s I in my house

Still awake after the departure of my sweet loving spouse

The daughter and dog are both wiggling in my bed

Thus preventing my sleep tho’ I’d taken my meds

My daughter in her bed she had recently peed

She thinks no more sleep today she shall need

I gave up on slumber and came down the stairs

With daughter in tow, wild and crazy haired

I’d stayed up too late to work on my blog

Now awakened so early I am in such a fog

And then from the walls there arose such a clatter

I jumped off the couch to see what was the matter

Then what should my wondering ears should I hear

But  the noisy fan in the furnace I fear

I spend 15 minutes down there in the dark

Then the noise disappears just as quick as it starts

As I climb up the basement stairs I see

All of the things that must be cleaned up by me

The house is a mess that has gotten so deep

How will I clean it on just three hours sleep?

The dishes are piled up deep in the sink

The kitchen itself is a disaster I think.

5,000 art projects spread on the floor

From the foot of the stairs all the way to the door

Legos and bristle blocks and marbles I see

Ready for bare feet, ones I bet belong to me

Toothpaste and soap decorate the bathroom drawers

I don’t even want to know what’s on the back of the doors

Laundry, a mountain that goes to the ceiling

This day will be long, I have a bad feeling

“Who will help with this mess?” I start to cry

I turn to my daughter, who looks up at the sky

Twenty four hours I have to get this all done

I’d better at least better go and put a bra on.

So remember this as I hit “publish” and say

I hope you all have a clean house on Thanksgiving Day!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz: A Poem About Slumber

IT’S WITLESS WEDNESDAY!

Time to read another awful poem by the Sadder but Wiser Girl, unless you fall asleep first…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:  A Poem About Slumber

When I lie upon the bed

And anxious things race through my head

I silently pray to go to sleep

But in my slumber I cannot keep

I cannot seem to count the days

I’ve wandered in a tired haze

One child stays up into the night

And still gets up before the light

I’ve wondered often in such sorrow

Why her energy I cannot borrow

I try to lay down for a nap

And cannot due to all her crap

So long I whined and moaned and cried

Ambien my doctor has prescribed

I now sleep once I take the pill

Now seven hours I sleep so still

I worry not to depend on this

All that matters is sleeping bliss

ADD: A Limerick

Whenever I think of limericks, I think of Data when he tried to recite the woman from Venus…

An ADD Limerick by the Sadder But Wiser Girl

Oh Attention Deficit Disorder

You make me feel like I am from Mordor

You make me forget

The things I must get

And therefore my life lacks order

A Poem Not By Henry Gibson: Ode to Unemployment

Today is WITLESS WEDNESDAY!

And for your reading displeasure,  another awful poem by The Sadder But Wiser Girl:

Ode To Unemployment

(I got tired of looking at jobs, so I wrote a poem)

Unemployment, unemployment, you’re sucking my brain.

If this continues, I may go insane.

My lack of money is totally lame.

My lack of skills is causing me shame.

I’ve had no phone calls and no interviews

I lie on my couch and drift off for a snooze.

Sometimes I contemplate having some booze

Some days I don’t even put on my shoes.

Other days I don’t even dare

To think about putting on underwear.

Why are these things that I choose to share?

It all just doesn’t really seem fair.

I wear warm up pants and exercise shorts

(Which is funny because I don’t play any sports)

Most days I feel so out of sorts

I’m longing to network and find some cohorts.

My husband works a million hours a week

While a job I do continue to seek.

I hope that my roof does not start to leak.

For havoc upon my budget it would wreak.

Now hear me whine and moan and sob

(Son, please stop licking that doorknob!)

Please please please please let me find a job.

Before I become a total slob.

It’s not just me. Even the Klingons are having a hard time.

Indiana Jones and the Evil Couch of Doom (aka Crap I Found In My Couch)

Is it an eeeeevil couch?

Instead of going outside to play,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     I decided to clean up my house today.

I took the vacuum and to my couch I went,                                                                                                                                                                                                            What a lot of time there I spent!

What to my wondering eyes should appear,                                                                                                                                                                                                          Was no miniature sleigh, but three bottlecaps from beer

A treasure trove of things that belong to my kids                                                                                                                                                                                                Such as seven different markers without any lids.

A miniature conditioner and shampoo,                                                                                                                                                                                                                       A DS Game, a Leapster game, a rawhide chew.

Black and white polka dotted underwear,                                                                                                                                                                                                               Three socks, none of them a matching pair.

Barrettes and rubber bands, a brush for the cat                                                                                                                                                                                                           A blue colored pencil, a red lego hat

Seven Lite Brite pegs, a crayon, some sand                                                                                                                                                                                                                 A lego Luigi who had just one hand

A spoon, a coupon, five pens,some rocks                                                                                                                                                                                                             Cheerios, a lip balm, green bristle blocks

A washrag, granola, kleenex times four,                                                                                                                                                                                                             Puzzle pieces, stickers, beads beads galore!

Magnets, a penny, a notebook, a race car,                                                                                                                                                                                                                My what a lot of things there are!

This is the crap that I found in my couch,                                                                                                                                                                                                               The only thing that rhymes is slouch.

Dog eating couch!
Disclaimer: No animals have actually been harmed by our furniture.