Toilet Tales: The Scoop on the Poop

Now hear this!

Now hear this!

Is it one of Murphy’s laws that when you need to go and want privacy that your kids will make sure you have anything but, but if you need another roll of toilet paper those little darlings will be somehow completely out of earshot?

When you’re a Mom let’s face it, there are NO secrets.  The world will inevitably know what you’re doing whether you want it known or what.  Recently I had one of those moments when I wished I could throw on a cloak of invisibility and hide away.

The children and I were literally up at the crack of dawn to deliver dear daddy to work.  We got up, threw some granola bars at them and were on the road at 6 am.  After a stop for my transportation fee of one large McDonald’s iced coffee, a little bit more than an hour passed and we arrived to deliver him to his destination problem free.

On the hour trip back home it was obvious that I was not going to make it home without a pit stop.  Last night’s supper combined with my ingestion of said coffee wasn’t going to let me off easy.  I was going to have to stop at a rest stop before I got back on the interstate.  I literally flew from the car right into the women’s restroom, daughter in tow and son ordered to use the men’s bathroom.

My daughter is scared of self flushing toilets.  Therefore I have to be in the stall with her when she does her business.  So of course she must come right into the stall with me as I barely make it to the throne to do business of my very own.

HA HA-there's no toilet paper!

HA HA-there’s no toilet paper!

I should have known better.  I’m not sure what that happened immediately after that was more embarrassing:

It could have been my daughter in the bathroom proclaiming to the whole world “YAY Mommy you’re pooping!  Ohhhhhh…. your little poops are so cute!”

(Damn self flushing toilets anyway.  Why do they only flush when you DON’T want them to-usually while you’re sitting on them, and not when you get up before your daughter can admire what you just made!)

Or it could have been my son standing outside of the women’s bathroom yelling “Mom are you done in there?  Mom?  Mom?  WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?  Are you pooping?”  I kept yelling back “I will be out in a minute.  I’m not finished.”  To which he would just keep yelling because he wasn’t actually listening to what I was yelling to him…

At that moment I really wished the toilet was a portal to the Ministry of Magic.  I bet they let you use the restroom in peace there…

My apologies to everyone at the Flying J rest stop that particular morning.  So sorry you had to hear all about my poop…

redneck-toilet

I might as well have been using this toilet. It would have been just as private.

From Preschool to Kindergarten Cop: What I Got Out of Subbing

funny teacher gift

I don’t get gifts because I’m the sub.  Yet there are days when I would have said this. (Though I DO think a monogram out of crayons would be cool.)

I’m winding down my sub job this week-two more days and I’m a free woman again.  It’s been good for me, but I must admit I’m ready for some time back home.  You know, being a horrible manager of my time, bored and broke again…

This whole job thing was much more challenging than I thought it would have been.  This didn’t necessarily have anything to do with the job itself.  This is because some other things happened.  First of all, about a month in, Evil Genius embarked upon a project at work that will probably last at least 4 more weeks and makes him work 500 hour weeks.  I know there aren’t 500 hours in a week, but to him (and me) it really feels like it.  He leaves long before most humans even think about getting up to go pee, and returns home at night with enough time to eat supper and go to bed. Naturally, my reaction to all of this is to tell him I’ll write a song about it, make him coffee when I remember, and kill him with kindness when he is in SUCH a good mood (I love you honey…)

Then the poor girl I was working with had a family tragedy and had to take some much needed time off.  With both of the regular classroom teachers having to be gone, I had to step up quickly and do stuff that I’m well capable of but just wasn’t expecting to have to do.  It made things very interesting, to say the least!  On the other hand, I think it worked out pretty well that I had been the one that was there instead of several people trying to fill in the hours.

Other things happened too, I’ll get to those in a minute…

Anyway, as I was working these last two months I definitely had some moments and I learned some things too:

Anyone who says that they are going to quit drinking diet pop upon returning to work are setting themselves up for epic failure.

Never hesitate to ask for help from your fellow bloggers.  They will RUN to your aid!

Don’t ask your husband to do anything non work related because you can’t.  He won’t remember.

Having your own child in your classroom means you are basically working two full-time jobs, teacher AND Mommy.

Oh she's cute, but it was a challenge having her in the same classroom sometimes!

Oh she’s cute, but it was a challenge having her in the same classroom sometimes!

Upon deciding to work a job in another town, you are guaranteeing there will be at least one winter storm per week, and one to two snow days per pay period.

Anyone who says they are going to quit eating sugar when they go back to work are setting themselves up for epic failure.  Especially when Valentines and Easter are in that time frame.

Guest bloggers are the way to go when you need to be busy doing something, or are tired, or just don’t want to blog.  I just wish I had done that sooner!

When things change, your ADD son will miss getting off the bus at the right place at least once.

No matter how good your dog seems, when he’s left to his own devices for days on end, he will poop on your floor.  AND tear stuff up.  AND be a general pain in your rear.  It’s a good thing he’s cute.

This didn't happen-but other messes were made.

This didn’t actually happen-but other messes were made.

Anyone who says they are going to quit taking Ambien to help them sleep when they go back to work are setting themselves up for epic failure.

Apple Jacks are never a good idea for breakfast when you have to last from 5:30 am until lunch.

If glasses are to be broken with no hope of repair, it will be the expensive ones, not the free ones.

No matter how nice the weather is, if you choose to leave your dog outside all day (because he poops on the floor and tears stuff up) the temperature will drop to negative numbers and there will be a blizzard.

Never in my life have I wanted to quote Kindergarten Cop so much.  You don’t know how many times I wanted to yell “There is no BATHROOM!”  I can even think of a couple of Arnold moments that I had.  But what happens in preschool stays in preschool.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Certain little girls who hold in their poop will find new ways to keep it in.  No matter how much fiber you give her.  Add to the fact that you don’t really know when the last time she actually went was, it’s kind of a “poop roulette”.

It’s nice to have an excuse to be on Pinterest-I have to find art ideas for work!

Never ever make plans when you are a substitute teacher.

Things usually work out-you just have to give them time.  This has nothing to do with the noncompliant pooper, it has everything to do with life in general.

Sleep.  I knew it well once.  And I’m an insomniac-that’s not saying much.

I’ll be back with actual posts hopefully later this week.  In the meantime… tomorrow:  toodle on over to Go Cheap or Go Home to visit me.  I’m posting an oldie but a goodie-the poor girl wanted some time off! 

I really won't be a pah-ty poop-ah.  I will be baaaack!

I really won’t be a pah-ty poop-ah. I will be baaaack!

REBLOG: The Scoop on the Poop: Why I Won’t Eat Chocolate Sprinkles and Other Revelations

Another oldie but goodie…

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

I’m afraid that people are going to think I am obsessed with poop and toilets.  I’m not, but it is quite a big subject at our house.

It’s getting cooler out.  Therefore I have to start dealing with something I haven’t had to deal with for awhile.  You see, I won’t eat chocolate sprinkles.  And there’s a big reason for that… chocolate sprinkles look remarkably like mouse poop.

Our house is 112 years old. We live in front of a cornfield.  Therefore, when the weather starts to turn cold we have many unwelcome guests.  They are really cute guests, but quite unwelcome.  They get into lots of places we don’t want them and either chew something of value up and eat our food.  They poop.  They poop a lot.

Believe me, we have tried many different things to try to keep the little buggers out of our house.  I’ve shoved…

View original post 788 more words

December Secret Subject Swap: An Autobiography According To Ms Sadder But Wiser

Welcome to the December Secret Subject Swap! 15 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My subject is “The title of my autobiography so far and why.”  It was submitted by http://www.mommyunmuted.com/   Here goes:

So I decided to do this secret subject swap.  I have time, I have all kinds of time, right?  I want to be a writer and paid blogger someday, so this is great practice.  I figured I’d sit right down and just type it all right out in a half an hour because after all, the ideas usually come out like crazy.  And the topic was perfect:  What would the title of my autobiography so far be and why?

This was not the case because life intervened.  Due to extreme conditions of many kinds including illness, getting ready for Christmas on a cabbage patch kid’s shoestring budget, and my own extreme procrastination, my normally free flowing idea diarrhea was stopped up into a full blown case of brain constipation (I need to copyright those words).  Don’t get me wrong, this was a fabulous topic-I just read too much into everything as usual.  Because that’s what I do.  ADD and Anxiety strike again.  I should really look into getting those classified as some sort of superpowers.

So I did the following to try to deal with it:

Welcome to my blog

I stared at my computer

There's two of them in my house.  It makes life interesting.

I made the men write out equations.

I drank coffee.

I drank coffee.

I hid.

I hid.

I even stood on my head, my daughter joined me.

I even stood on my head, my daughter joined me.

I finally decided that my real autobiography would be pretty boring.  No wonder I was having trouble trying to figure out the title!  If I had perhaps developed some lifesaving vaccine, invented the post-it note, swam the English Channel, and gained superpowers, maybe it would be worth a read. Maybe if Ellen really WOULD call me and invite me on her show, if I wrote a best selling fantasy novel (damn you J.K. Rowling!), if I got to travel the world, even if I just got to go back to school, that would be interesting.

Would anyone really want to read my life story of dealing with ADD, Anxiety, rejection, job loss, my marriage to an evil genius, raising two quirky yet adorable children, all written with a weird twisted sense of humor?   That I spent more than ten years of my life changing diapers?  That I am not allowed to have any portion of my body naked for more than five seconds without the little people needing me?  That in another few weeks no one will be able to find my house at all with all of the artwork everywhere?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy, wait a minute, that’s what I write about on my blog EVERY DAY!  And over four people read every post too.  Maybe this is possible to come up with after all.  So exactly 12 hours before I had to post it came to me, the title I had been seeking for weeks finally came to me:

“The Poop of My Life:  How It Really Stunk But Everything Came Out Ok”.

Of course it had to have the word poop in it somewhere!  I just wouldn’t think it would be something about me without some reference to feces.  This is assuming that every is going to come out ok at the beginning of this next year (I have hope), that the world really isn’t going to end (I have my doubts), that I will finally find gainful employment (I have doubtful hope), perhaps even doing something I love like writing (hint hint, prospective blogger hirers).  Now if I could only figure out what the cover would look like!

So if you were writing your own autobiography, what would YOU call it?  Trust me, it’s not as easy to come up with as you might think!

audrey

I never claimed to be a lady.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com

http://www.cassandrazcorner.blogspot.com

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com

http://www.momaical.com

http://macdonaldsplayland.blogspot.com/

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

http://dinoheromommy.com/

http://www.hungrylittlegirl.com

http://rushingforbagels.blogspot.com/

http://www.mommyunmuted.com

http://www.3monkeysandamartini.com

http://www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com

http://www.loveartbaby.com/

The Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge: The Top Posts

I’m doing the Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge sponsored by A Little Unhinged.

12. Your top 5 posts and why you think they were successful.

Hmmmmm… Ummmmmmm…. Uhhhhhhhhhhh….

Ok, I’ve got this:

1)   The one that started it all-Does This Look Infected To You?

The dog didn’t get shingles, my husband did.

My husband went on a business trip and came home with shingles.  It practically wrote itself.  And it was all downhill from that one.

2)  The one that almost didn’t get published-Indiana Jones and the Evil Couch of Doom (aka Crap I Found In My Couch)

Is it an eeeeevil couch?

A poem I wrote one day after cleaning. I deleted it, but then rescued it from the trash.  My husband shared it with his coworkers and they actually liked it!

3)  The one that made people either laugh or say HUH?-The Sadder But Wiser Girl, Poop Detective

“I’ve got something in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.”

Trying to laugh about rejection, I started thinking of jobs that I KNOW I could do.  Hence the very strange but definitely unique blog post.  And also one of the most visited on my blog, shockingly enough.

4)  One of my personal favorites-Yo, P.E.E.P.s and P.O.O.P.s! A Support Group That Doesn’t Exist That Really Should

Wonder what this group’s name would be?

This one bounced around in my head for a long time before coming to fruition.  I’m glad I finally got it all out of there.

5)  The one that I think I am most proud of-Lessons From Kids:  Life Is Short, Play Naked

Honorable mentions:

The Five Stages of Dishes, From Procrastination to Exasperation

The Recessive Gene:  My Pool Needs A Lifeguard

A little DNA humor for you.

If Unicorns Fart Glitter and Poop Rainbows, Where Does Glitter Glue Come From?

Post Apocalyptic Hello Kitty and Grandpa Snake…Adventures in Imagination

Grandpa Snake is caught in many compromising positions.

Whoever Has The Brain Today Please Stand Up:  When ADD People Marry Each Other

REBLOG: The Sadder But Wiser Girl…Poop Detective

I’m taking Saturday off to enjoy the weather and thought I’d reblog this post from earlier this year. It seems to be a favorite so why not?

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Theme ThursdayThis post has been slightly altered from its original form in order to appease the WordPress gods.  They won’t let you reblog more than once, and I really wanted to link this up to Theme Thursday.  Just sayin…  The theme is to rerun a favorite.  I’m awfully partial to this post, and I’m not sure why.

Two things happened in the past 24 hours that got me thinking.

Yesterday afternoon my phone rang.  I always program different ring tones along with the numbers in my phone so I have a general idea of who is calling.  This particular ringtone I hadn’t heard in quite a while.  It was my former employer, *Disorganization Ltd.  Why the heck would they be calling me?  Oh they have seen the error of their ways, and they really do need someone in their office here.  Not a chance.  I’m glad I didn’t answer, because I…

View original post 823 more words

The Scoop on the Poop: Why I Won’t Eat Chocolate Sprinkles and Other Revelations

This looks like a great blog, for me to poop on!

I’m afraid that people are going to think I am obsessed with poop and toilets.  I’m not, but it is quite a big subject at our house.

It’s getting cooler out.  Therefore I have to start dealing with something I haven’t had to deal with for awhile.  You see, I won’t eat chocolate sprinkles.  And there’s a big reason for that… chocolate sprinkles look remarkably like mouse poop.

Our house is 112 years old. We live in front of a cornfield.  Therefore, when the weather starts to turn cold we have many unwelcome guests.  They are really cute guests, but quite unwelcome.  They get into lots of places we don’t want them and either chew something of value up and eat our food.  They poop.  They poop a lot.

Believe me, we have tried many different things to try to keep the little buggers out of our house.  I’ve shoved steel wool in holes and sealed it up with spray insulation.  I’ve put anything that might be tempting into containers.  My husband swears it’s impossible to keep them out.  I’m of the opinion  that while we probably can’t eradicate them completely, I’d like to make it as hard as possible for them to get in.

Our mouser died this past Easter, so I am a little worried now that it’s starting to get cooler outside.  I haven’t seen any mouse evidence for awhile.  All of our food is pretty much in plastic containers, but even then they try to get into them.  At least the old Tupperware ones.  I couldn’t believe it when I found that a mouse had been trying to eat its way through the tupperware container that we were using to keep our bread in.  I replaced it with a different container, and set a trap back where I found all the “chocolate sprinkles”.  It didn’t take too long to catch the sucker.  Then I spent a day vacuuming all of those sprinkly looking poops out of our pantry shelves.  I’m not really looking forward to that.  As much as I love this weather, it’s making me a little nervous!

Incidentally, I still like rainbow sprinkles.  If our mice start pooping rainbows I’ll really start to worry…

Thank goodness the cat goes in the litter box.

I won’t complain too much, because I know that my parents have their own source of poop frustration at their house.  They have BATS!  I’ll take mice any day over bats, because mice can’t fly over your head and swoop around you.  They poop everywhere too.  But getting rid of bats isn’t quite as easy as getting rid of little field mice, because they don’t just have any bats, they have endangered bats!  They have to catch them and release them.  I’ll stick with my mousies, thank you very much.

This is what would happen if the mice at my house met the bats at my mom’s house.

It’s not just the mice that are the source of my poop predicaments at our house.

Princess Poopypants has had trouble “going” pretty much as long as I can remember.  She will hold it in until she is ready to explode, while pooping just a little bit at a time in her panties.  One of two things happens, she either goes so much she fills up the potty, or it’s so big that it really hurts her.  She has been on medication for quite a while to help her out.   It’s just a powdered stool softener that we put in her juice every morning.  As long as it dissolves, she can’t even taste it.

This is where we run into issues.  We have made sure she knows that this is the stuff that helps her poop easily.  She knows that if she waits too long, and I’m talking close to a week, that it’s not going to end well.  As long as she is taking this stuff regularly, there isn’t a problem.  However, lately she has been fighting us on taking it.  She either refuses and puts it back in the refrigerator, drinks a little of it and pours it out, or pours  the whole thing out.  I realize that since we’ve had to cut some corners we don’t have quite the selection of flavors of juice that we used to.  Target brand seems to have the best price, and since they almost always have a coupon that’s what we get.  She really loves apple juice, so I didn’t really seem to think it was a problem.  But lately she has been wanting some different juices.  And she hasn’t always liked what I’ve bought.  I’ve tried remedying by mixing the other juice with apple juice, but that girl is really smart-she just knows!

It’s actually a stool softener but I doubt Kirk would know the difference anyway.

So when she gets backed up and has to go, we have the shrieking.  Not just crying, SCREAMING!  I’m sure our neighbors think I’m absolutely killing her.   As well as people in public places.  I’m surprised we haven’t been banned from Family Video after one of her screaming incidents.  Earlier this week after one such traumatic potty episode I tried explaining to her that this is why she needs to just drink the darn juice and she wouldn’t have such issues.  I can relate-I have to eat fiber enriched cereal just so I can go.  I regret the days when I decide to have a pop-tart or something less filled with fiber.  I’m hoping that she’ll see the light this next week.  We have enough screaming from her already.

You could say after viewing this particular blog entry that some things in my life really stink sometimes…  I kind of feel like it’s all going in the toilet some days!  I’m sure though that this too shall pass.  Oh my, the puns just won’t stop!

“I’m the Pah-ty Poo-pah”.

Toothpaste and Poop: The New Art Media

The easel helped a lot with the “surprise art” I would find around the house. It obviously hasn’t stopped completely. This was so sweet-she was absolved of all wrong doing that day, for at least a few minutes.

As I sat upon the throne in the bathroom today, I noticed that someone had put toothpaste on the full length mirror.  This isn’t unusual to find toothpaste on a surface in our bathroom.  There have been times when I have walked in to find EVERY surface of the bathroom covered in toothpaste-mirror, walls, bathtub, toilet, counters, floor.  Toothpaste as far as the eye can see.  I don’t know why they do it.  They just would rather wipe excess toothpaste anywhere but a towel.

What was different today was the toothpaste was not only covering the mirror, it had been used to draw a picture.  I knew who did it.  Princess Artiste was so busted!  I asked her about it, and she owned up to it.  Though it’s easy to tell-if it’s a mess with an artistic flair there is no doubt who was the culprit. We’ve known for a long time who the artist in the family is.   I sent her up to clean it up.  Then I called The Professor in to go up and clean up his toothpaste mess.  His was the blobby mess that had no artsy look to it, on and next to his drawer in the bathroom.  There might have been some sort of mathematical coefficient involved, but we won’t get into that.  I just threw that in here in case my husband actually reads this.

He has also confessed that he hangs out in the bathroom sometimes and “drinks the toothpaste” (my son, not my husband).  He’s a weird kid.

As a parent you deal with your share of messes, especially when you are ADD and it takes you a while to realize that “Oh, that’s not good, I should probably clean that up.”  And then forget for another few days.  It all depends on where the mess is, what it is, and sometimes it takes awhile to be discovered.  Like the abstract poop picture on the back of the shower room door (It was down very low).  Once that one was discovered after who knows how long, it was cleaned up quickly (this happened during the fun fun period where they are potty trained peeing but not yet pooping).  We’ve also had lovely artwork done on the table with pasta sauce, milk, frosting, glue, etc.  The hardened cheerios decoupage is my favorite, and it’s virtually indestructable.  Once those Cheerios revert back to their solid form after being soggy in milk they could very well be used as armor, except for the fact that you’d have holes in it.  Maybe it lets the surface breathe?

And there is the traditional media of pen and marker, which has found itself upon many surfaces in our house, including both my children’s bodies.  The Professor has always had a hard time keeping markers off of himself accidentally, his sister just decorates herself on purpose.  When Princess Artiste was pretty little she somehow got a hold of some of my scrapbook paper and a pen, and went crazy with drawing on it.  I was livid.  My mother insisted I keep it and use it to make a scrapbook page.  I did, and it actually turned out to be one of my more creative pages.  It helped that if you looked at her “drawing” just right, it looked like a face sticking its tongue out at me.

Oh yes, and we must not forget that she painted the dog. I’m really regretting the fact that I didn’t grab the camera on that one.  As far as most of the other messes, I don’t have evidence of them either since I didn’t see the artistic value in those, especially the poop one.  I did, however, take pictures of my daughter when she helped paint the hallway white.  SHE was also white, from her head to her toes.

In addition to the above, we have had lots of experience with anything that cuts.  Both kids have managed to cut things they should not.  The Professor attempted to decimate a scrapbook page of mine that was already in the scrapbook when he was pretty little.  Ironically, his cutting skills haven’t much improved since then.  Princess Artiste has got a hold of not only scissors, but my scrapbook paper cutter which she used to cut up her brother’s class picture.  She’s in support of the movement for smaller classes, apparently.

The Professor just isn’t big on art, unless it has a purpose.  If he has drawn something it is something that he has designed, like a car or a superhero suit.  I have a lot of their art framed in the hallway upstairs, and had to beg him to draw me something so that his sister’s artwork wouldn’t totally take over the space.  He finally did, in his own way.  He drew our house, and the school bus he rides every day.  He refused to color it in.  There it hangs among the other artwork-it is definitely one of his pictures.  Princess Artiste draws/paints/colors pictures for me every day.  At one point our refrigerator was so covered with her artwork it was hard to tell there was an appliance in there.  I didn’t put them there, she would dash to the kitchen as soon as she would complete a picture and put it on there.  She was very put out with me when we ran out of magnets!

Kids are funny.  Just when I think they are out of the coloring on the walls phase, or the cutting things they shouldn’t cut phase, they do something that totally paints me as a liar.  I’m happy that my daughter likes to do art, and that my son likes to design stuff (and with all of the art that she comes up with, it’s probably a good thing he’s not a prolific artist!)  When they do things they shouldn’t, I have to sit back and laugh after I’ve taken time to dole out the punishment.  And be thankful that I have creative kids-except for the poop.  Poop and creativity simply do not mix.

Here is another non-poop picture drawn of me by Princess Artiste. I’m not sure what is coming out of my armpit…

The Sadder But Wiser Girl…Poop Detective

Theme ThursdayThis post has been slightly altered from its original form in order to appease the WordPress gods.  They won’t let you reblog more than once, and I really wanted to link this up to Theme Thursday.  Just sayin…  The theme is to rerun a favorite.  I’m awfully partial to this post, and I’m not sure why.

Two things happened in the past 24 hours that got me thinking.

Yesterday afternoon my phone rang.  I always program different ring tones along with the numbers in my phone so I have a general idea of who is calling.  This particular ringtone I hadn’t heard in quite a while.  It was my former employer, *Disorganization Ltd.  Why the heck would they be calling me?  Oh they have seen the error of their ways, and they really do need someone in their office here.  Not a chance.  I’m glad I didn’t answer, because I probably would have gone all Anakin Skywalker on them.  They did leave a message though, which went something like this:”Hi *Sadder.  This is *Spacy Lady.  I know we haven’t talked in a while, but you know that everyone that works for our disorganization has to teach 10 classes a year.  You have only taught five.  I need you to call me so we can make you feel bad for not wanting to be on call for us to work that 30 minutes a month we may need you.  I want to talk you into making yourself available to teach classes that are cancelled 90 percent of the time, to call and beg you to teach classes several hours away that we will turn around and assign to someone else at the last minute, and to make you feel terrible about the fact that you won’t work enough to even pay for a babysitter.  I’d love to catch up with you and rub it in that we wouldn’t retain your position.”

Ok, so that’s not what she said, but that’s how I took it.  Really, what does the word “resignation” mean to you?  To me it means I can’t collect unemployment.  Needless to say, I won’t be returning that call right away, if at all.

The other thing that happened is that I got another rejection letter from the place I keep applying for different jobs at.  You’d think that with all the turnover they seem to have that sooner or later they’d run out of people and be forced to hire me.  Wow I must REALLY suck!

I started thinking after reading that of the jobs that I COULD have.  All the skills and stuff I’ve acquired over the years, surely it’s worth something.  I know that being able to sing all of the lyrics to “Abby’s Flying Fairy School” won’t get me very far.  However, a few others may.  The following is a little list I’ve come up with:

1) Poop Detective-I worked in childcare for 11 plus years plus had two children of my own.  I know my poop.  I could be like Bones.  They could call me in to the scene of the crime and have me tell them about the feces.  I’d stroll in, be able to tell them how old it was, how long it had been there, the size and approximate age of the perpetrator.  “This came from a 2 and a half year old male approximately two feet tall who’s still in diapers.”  We’ve had some pooping in our house that no one would own up to, so I’ve had good practice.

“I’ve got something in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.”

A few years ago I probably could have done that simply by smell.  I could smell a poop a mile away.  But I think that superpower is fading.  Still don’t know how I quite got it.  Maybe I got bit by a radioactive baby.

2)  Wandering Minstrel-I don’t play lute.  Or guitar.  But I’ve played flute semi-professionally, as in I was paid a few coins to show up for municipal band.  I could stroll around and play my flute.  I pitched this idea to my husband-I think they need one of these where he works.  He liked the idea.  Maybe I could even use my children as interpretive dancers.  (You’re wondering why I don’t just go play flute somewhere for money.  It’s been awhile.  My kids don’t let me talk on the phone or use the bathroom.  Do you really think I’d have time to practice?)

3)  Cat Herder-A very wise (and fun!) preschool teacher I used to work with likened getting a group of preschoolers to go anywhere is very much like it would be to herd cats.  Surely there are herds of cats roaming the earth that need herders.  I understand I am qualified.

4)  Paint Color Name Chooser-I’m sure there’s a better word for this.  SOMEONE has to choose the names of all of those paint colors out there.  I think I’d be very good at it.  Of course once I named one Baby Poop Brown I probably would be out of a job…

5)  Excuse Service-Need an excuse to get out of something?  Give me a call and I will make up one for you.  I’ve certainly heard one for just about everything…

6)  Professional Disorganizer– Not only could I undo your organizational methods, I could do it in record time (even faster if I get my kids involved).  I’ve had lots of practice (ADD again, you get the picture).

So there you have it.  Perhaps I’ll think of more as time goes on.  Six jobs that I would be very, very good at.  Now if only I knew where to look for them… In the meantime, maybe I can try just making it as a blogger.

*The names have been changed because like I said, I don’t want anyone burning down my house…