Clever? Perhaps…

When I was but a young starry eyed newbie blogger there were two blogs that hosted certain “activities” that I thought were the coolest things on the face of the planet.  I get to guest post at both of those blogs this week, and I am very, very excited about this.

Today I finally repay one of my debts-I have owed Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 a guest post FOREVER.  I’ve had some really great guest posts in my time, and Jen wrote one of my favorites, Google Has The Questions, Jenn Has The Answers.  I hope that my post today is good enough repayment!  I haven’t exactly had the blogging “mojo” that I would like these days!

Jenn is one of the coolest people on the planet. She hosts Theme Thursday of which I am a huge fan of as well as a participant when I have a brain in my head to write with.  She’s done some cool stuff lately, including cohosting getting me off my bum to do a Twitter party and becoming a staff writer for In the Powder Room.!  And in case you couldn’t tell from the picture, she also has really great hair.

So yeah, I am that much cooler getting to be on her blog today.  Click on the link below to read the post-I’ll see you there!

The Annual Fried Stuff Experience (Otherwise Known As The Iowa State Fair)

I Didn’t Go To BlogHer and Get Free Lubricant, But I Did Go To Jail

I know the feeling Spidey...

I know the feeling Spidey…

If you’re a gal that blogs, and you weren’t at BlogHer this past weekend AND you have a lot of blogging friends, you saw a lot of pictures that made you wonder why the hell you were missing out on what only could be the party of a lifetime.

From what I saw on Facebook, there were all kinds of things I missed out on. There was learning, there was bonding, there was a lot of alcohol, there was LUBRICANT.  Yes, apparently on top of everything else they gave away free lubricant and vibrators.  I am so sorry I missed it!

In case you hadn’t heard I wasn’t there.  Previously I blogged about what I thought was going to go down at the conference.  However I had a party of my own instead.  Here is what you missed out on this weekend at Not At BlogHer 2013:

I showered twice in three days (*GASP!*)
I stared in silence at a lot of pictures of people having fun at BlogHer.
My kids broke a broom among other things.
We almost ran out of cheese.
My husband worked all day Friday AND Saturday.
My kitten drew blood four times.

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Everyone looks like they’re having so much fun… Now I want wine and chocolate…

Actually I DID do something while this was all going on.  I cohosted a Twitter party with Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 just for the unlucky folks that didn’t get the opportunity to be at BlogHer.  It was dubbed Home Con 13 (#HomeCon13).  It was my first real experience at a Twitter party.  While I’ve been a part of #wineparty and #spikedpunch in the past, I seriously didn’t know what I was doing and really didn’t participate all that much.  But the difference is this time I had some people in my court that were able to help me figure it all out and get the proper tools to stay with it. And it was a hoot!  It was also so popular that it was the number one thing trending on Twitter!

(For those of you that are like me and don’t know what “trending” means, it means that it was the number one thing that users on Twitter were tweeting about!)  Jenn has a very nice visual on her weekly wrap-up if you would like to see.

As a matter of fact, Home Con 13 was such a big success that we have decided that we would like to make it more of a regular thing.  Perhaps even monthly!  If you missed it, don’t despair, it will happen again.  And I have some things to help you if you are one that is not well versed in the “Twitter party” avenue.

One thing you can do is download Tweetdeck.  I always assumed this was something that you paid for, but it’s not.  Here’s what I found out about Tweetdeck after using it:
The Pros-You can separate stuff into nice, neat columns so you can see what’s going on.
The Cons-There’s nothing in this program that puts the hashtag in there for you each time.  Due to this I erred and many times I typed in homcom13, homecone13… I had several people tell me to just copy and paste it, but between the fact that my computer just plain has issues I can’t do a lot because the mouse I’m using is stolen.  Yes, my mouse had issues so I “stole” the mouse from my kids’ computer.  Shame on me-this situation will be resolved on payday, I hope.

DO NOT allow your cat to handle your social media interactions for you. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrf#2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 is the kind of stuff you'll get.

DO NOT allow your cat to handle your social media interactions for you. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrf #2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222is the kind of stuff you’ll get.

Thanks to having the Tweetdeck, I was able to keep fairly good track of all that was happening.  It all went so fast-even with Tweetdeck there was a lot going on. So many people tweeting all at once!  But it was fun!  So many people from all over the world connecting and chatting and having a blast doing it.  Somehow I helped that happen!

Then chaos broke out.  Jenn got thrown in jail.  Then I got thrown in jail.  That’s because nothing says “party” like both of your hosts getting thrown in the slammer, right?  Not real jail of course, Twitter jail. Being thrown in Twitter jail happens when you send a certain number of texts within a certain amount of time, or follow too many people within a certain amount of time, or piss off the Twitter gods…

When it was all said and done, I may still have felt bummed for not going to Chicago and attending BlogHer, but I got to have a lot of fun without even leaving my house or having anyone come over to my place.  It’s nice to have people to talk to that understand the stuff you’ve been going through!  We know how to have a good time here!

Were you one of the lucky ducks who got to go to BlogHer?  Was there anything unusual and/or different that you would like to share from your experience?  Did you get to attend our little shindig on Friday night?  What did you think?  Did you miss out and think it sounded like fun?  Keep an eye out here on my blog or over at Jenn’s place. We’ll let you know when the next party will be held!

As close as we get to a wild and crazy conference at our house. Blogging NAKED! (Not me).

As close as we get to a wild and crazy conference at our house. Blogging NAKED! (Not me).

Theme Thursday: Where’s the Genie in My Bottle?

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday.  It’s better than a litter of kittens, a box of wine, and McDonald’s french fries all put together!  Each week a theme is chosen via a very scientific method-most likely Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 pulling a piece of paper out of a hat.  Then we all get to work and come back with what we want to write about it.  No rules.  Ok, a few rules, but not TOO many for you rebels out there, because we like rebels.  This week’s theme is wishes. 

Does that sound like fun?  Why yes, it is.

When we were kids we always said that if we found a genie in a bottle we’d do the whole wishing thing the right way.  We’d wish for a million wishes instead of the three wishes that people always seemed to screw up in the stories we read!

And me with my problems with indecision, would definitely need more then three wishes!

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One of my husband’s coworkers brought this back from Italy. He went there because he is 100% born and raised Italian. I thought this was cool, it looks like something a genie would live in, does it not?

Needless to say, when I found out that this week’s theme was wishes, I was ready to jump right on that bandwagon.  I could use a few wishes.  Even more importantly, I could use a good genie!  Therefore, before the wishes, we must address the question:  What would my genie look like????

The Aladdin genie, while very funny, doesn’t really do it for me.  Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie?  No thanks.  Kazaam?  Think I’ll pass. How about an Iron Genie?  Think about it…

Make me some coffee!

Make my wishes come true!

If I really did find a genie, I would have to make sure to ask the genie if the genie bra was really that magical…  And then I would make sure that instead of three wishes, that I would be granted infinite wishes.  It would be like having my very own fairy godparents, except BETTER (because you saw my genie, right?)

So what would I use my infinite wishes on?  Oh boy… so many possibilities.

Very first and foremost, I would wish for financial security for my family for the rest of our lives.  Not rich beyond our wildest dreams, just enough so that we wouldn’t have to (barely) live paycheck to paycheck.  This worrying constantly about whether we will have enough each pay period is for the birds.

I’d wish for some of those shirtless superheroes to come hang out at my house.  I can look, I just can’t touch, right?  And they would do all the things I need done, like clean my gutters and fix my appliances.

That's really, really nice.  Now fix my dishwasher.

That’s really, really nice. Now fix my dishwasher.

I would wish for success.  I’m not talking rich and famous success.  I mean being successful at something.  Like my writing to garner a bit more readership.  Perhaps get a book published… Or to just be able to go back to school without going bankrupt would be nice.  I know, I’ll keep dreaming…

A new laptop, with infinite memory, lightning fast internet browsing, and don’t forget the port to plug right into my brain, just like my friend Starr at The Insomniac’s Dream blogged about awhile back when we were doing “Useful Inventions” as our theme.  Oh yes, and no overheating issues, so I could actually be online for more than a little bit at a time!

I would wish for transporter technology so that we could go visit our friends and family in an instant.  Think about it-you’re getting married in Florida?  No big deal, I’ll just beam right down there.  Then I could meet Menopausal Mother for a drink in her backyard! Aw heck, I could do that every weekend!

Meno Mom backyard

Can’t you picture me having a pina colada here?

I’d wish for a better brain.  One that works regularly and doesn’t have holes in it like mine does.  Or maybe I just need to wish for some plugs for the holes!

I would wish for more empathy in the world.  And common sense.  Gosh, wouldn’t that be lovely?

How about a faucet that distributes a little bit of vino? Of course you’d think that if my genie came out of a wine bottle that would be a no-brainer…

I would wish for more talent in the kitchen.  Right now I can’t get an ounce of inventiveness (outside of what Amy at Funny is Family dishes up for her super duper Crockpot Thursdays there’s very little to add to my repertoire these days.)

cat cora

How I feel in the kitchen on a good day…

Bork bork bork!

What’s more realistic.  Bork bork bork!

I would wish for a cure, or at least a better understanding of autism.

Of course I’d wish for Calorie free desserts that taste like the real thing…

And a good night’s sleep, or two, or ten.  Heck it’s infinite wishes, right?

Most importantly, I’d wish for happiness for my children, for them to be able to attain their hopes and dreams, and eventual success.

Now dammit, it’s in my head and I have to play it…

Thought this looked like fun?  Want to participate in a future Theme Thursday?  The theme is listed for the following week in each week’s Theme Thursday post.  See what we’ve got going on, write to your little heart’s content, then come back and link er up.  In the meantime, please read some of this week’s posts to get some inspiration, because we are always inspiring, at least 92% of the time…

No I meant without the suits.  I mean they'd be wearing clothes.  I mean, oh never mind...

Oh boys, fighting over me are we?  This could happen, except they’d be without the suits. I mean they’d be wearing clothes. I mean, oh never mind…

Google Has the Questions, Jenn Has the Answers

Grease_Pink-Ladies_Cheerleaders.bmp

This is how I view many of today’s lady bloggers. They are the cool kids. I’m more like an Amy Farrah Fowler.

I kept seeing it over and over.  People talking about this thing called Theme Thursday.  I wondered to myself what on earth it was, and I wondered how to get involved with it.  As it turned out, it was where the cool kids hung out.  And I got to sit at their table.

Oh what is it REALLY?  It’s a link up.  Every Thursday Jenn at Something Clever 2.0 picks a theme and the people that participate have a week to roll out a post for it.  It’s something I look forward to every week.  And Jenn puts up with me writing my plug for Theme Thursday each week featuring stuff like:

Theme Thursday was created by Jenn at Something Clever 2.0 to bring peace and harmony to the blogging world on Thursdays… and a place for a few of us to complain. Something Clever 2.0 assumes full responsibility if you are entertained by this post.

Theme Thursday:  Kid tested, mother approved, or something like that.

And my favorite thus far:  Theme Thursday is not filmed before a live studio audience.

Yet somehow she allows me to come back each week.  Imagine my delight when she agreed to guest post for me!  Again, I get to run with the cool kids!

This is me reacting to Jenn offering to guest post...

This is me reacting to Jenn offering to guest post…

A little bit about Jenn (She wrote this.  She doesn’t complain as much as she thinks she does…):

Something Clever 2.0 is not so much a mommy blog as it is a humor blog written by someone who has a kid. Jenn likes TV and wine and hates most other things. She is excellent at complaining.

Here is her guest post, with no complaining involved:

My favorite part of any magazine or newspaper has always been the advice columns. It’s so fun to read about what’s going wrong in other people’s lives! I always thought I could do a better job than the writers. The problem was that nobody ever wrote to me for advice.

So imagine how thrilled I was when I hopped on Google the other day and was bombarded with all sorts of questions!  Every time I tried to type something into the search bar, another question would appear below it. Sometimes there were up to five questions! I didn’t see a way to answer them on Google, but I figured that if these people were smart enough to contact me through a search engine, surely they’d have no trouble finding my replies if I published them on someone else’s blog. I mean, my fans are clearly internet geniuses.

Here are the answers you’ve been waiting for!

Where is Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris lives in the hearts and minds of good little boys and girls everywhere.

I can’t figure out my face shape. This is hard to guess, without a picture. Please include one next time. For now, I’ll have to generalize… Are you a robot? If so, chances are your face is either square or rectangular. Are you a cat? If you are, and you happened to be looking down right now (say, at a keyboard), your face is kind of like a triangle. Are you a little girl on Nick Jr. who teaches children a foreign language? Then your head is probably a very wide, oversized oval.

What does YOLO mean? “Young’uns Often Lack Originality.”

What are the bases? The things that belong to us.

How do you get mono? By kissing popular girls. You should only kiss nerdy girls or you will get very, very sick.

How do I live without you? I’ve only been doing this advice gig for a few minutes, so it’s sort of soon for you to be that dependent on me. I feel confident that you’ll be okay without me. You’re strong. You can do it.

Who does the bachelor pick? The bachelorette.

How can you mend a broken heart? That depends on if it’s porous or not. If your heart is made out of a non-porous material like plastic, simply apply a thin layer of super glue to one edge, then hold the pieces together for at least one minute. Let the glue set overnight. If your heart is metal or porcelain, I’d recommend Gorilla Glue. Follow the instructions on the package.

How can I keep from singing? Why would you want to? Life’s a cabaret, or so I’m told. Oh, wait, are you a bad singer? That makes a difference. If you’re a bad singer, you can still sing; just roll up your car windows first.

Help, I have a headache. Take off your headband. It’s too tight.

Why do cats knead? When kittens nurse, they knead the momma cat to make the milk come out. When a grown cat kneads you, it means they are very calm and content, and they love you. If the cat is kneading dough, they are probably making bread or a pizza. I highly recommend that you record it and upload the video to YouTube.

What is love? I assume from your question that you are either a fan of “A Night at the Roxbury,” or a sentient robot. Or maybe Mitt Romney. If you’re one of the first two, please send me a private message; we should hang out.

Who can it be now? Colin Hay.

When do you ovulate? Well, thanks for asking! Actually, I use Mirena, so I don’t do that anymore. But I appreciate your concern.

When does Lent start? The Wednesday after McDonald’s starts running ads for Filet O’ Fish sandwiches.

Let me know if you have any more questions!

Theme Thursday: Cats and Dogs, Disliking Each Other In My Home Since 2012

Yeah, it's totally like that.

Yeah, it’s totally like that.

What is Theme Thursday?  ‘Tis a Thursday with a theme.  This is a gently used Theme Thursday post, originally for the theme cats vs dogs but now slightly modified for this week’s theme of rivalries!  Please join me over at Something Clever 2.0 to read what other folks have to say about rivalries by clicking on the perty blue Theme Thursday button!

I have owned cats for over half of my life, and have now owned a dog for about five months.  I’ve never really been a dog person, and I feel bad about this fact.  I totally get why people who love dogs love them so much.  I just personally relate better to cats.  I’m really not sure why.  I’m more used to cats?  After all, I never owned a dog of my own until recently.  I’m more LIKE a cat?  I don’t hide under my bed and growl at people, so this certainly wouldn’t be it either.

My dog is the eternal optimist.  His bowl is always half full, and his trash can is fuller.  This is because he would rather eat out of the trash most days than his dog food.  He thinks that everyone in the world is there just to play with him.  Someone comes to the house?  They have come to play with me!  Someone walks past the window?  They have come to play with me!  We see another dog?  It has come to play with me!

The cat… does not play with him.

Don't mess with the upstairs-it's her domain.

Don’t mess with the upstairs-it’s her domain.

My cat is a pessimist, for lack of a better word.  I think she has spent a good deal of time trying to figure out which method she is going to use to do the dog in.  It’s not like he is taking over or anything, she was antisocial before.  All she ever did was hide under the bed.  Occasionally she would even grace us with her presence and let us pet her for 4.5 seconds, sometimes even twice in the same five minutes.  I think that now that she is used to him being here she is actually more social than she ever has been.  There is totally a reason for this-she’s trying to show him up.  Think about it.  I have seen this firsthand.  She jumps up to be petted, the dog is instantly jealous.  I swear she is almost sticking her tongue out at him “Thhhhhhpppppt!”

She IS beautiful, and she wants everyone to know it.  I think of the old “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” commercials, only she wouldn’t care if anyone did hate her because of it.  The dog may think that everyone is there to play with him, she believes that everyone is there to admire her and bow in her presence.

True... true...

True… true…

I just want everyone to get along.  The cat chooses to disagree.  Meanwhile the dog never gives up on hoping she will play with him, or he just has a really short memory.  He runs up to her whenever she enters the room, wagging his tail, she hisses and growls. Sometimes she will even retreat under the couch and continue to growl.  It sounds like the entire couch is growling.

We’re not oblivious to the fact that our poor doggie could use a furry playmate.  We have been looking around for quite some time for a kitty that could hold its own and that actually might let the dog near it.  Our dear departed kitty was much more like a dog.  He was sweet.  He was tolerant.  He was so laid back in fact that my children could lay on top of him and he would maybe blink.  He would have made a great companion for our canine.  He was also the size of a small dog.  When he sat around the house, well, yeah… he sat around the house.  He was a fabulous lap cat, because he took up a whole lap and then some.  But he was not fat.  He was big boned.  Really, really big boned.

Having the dog has certainly made life more interesting, but also much more messy.  While the cat’s messes are confined to the occasional hacked up hairball and the wooden scratching post formerly known as a banister, the dog seems to make messes everywhere.  His trash addiction, which he lovingly brings into the room adjacent the living room for some odd reason, is maddening enough.  I seriously am going to ask for a stainless steel doggy proof trash can for Valentines Day.  Then there are his toys.  There is nothing that this dog cannot destroy in a matter of minutes.  NOTHING!  And these little remnants are everywhere-I will have just picked up and thrown away half a dozen stringy thingys that were once toys, only to find three more shoved into the couch cushions.  And pieces of rawhide chews.  And whatever else he’s been playing with.  Now that I think about it, it’s like living with one great big furry toddler.

I love both of my animals.  However if I had to choose between the two, every time I would choose the cat.  Sorry dog, it’s true.  You say dog, I say cat.  I will always be a cat person, and I’m not apologizing for it.

My cat and dog.  He is bowing in submission, because he simply wants to play.  She wants him to just go away.

My cat and dog. He is bowing in submission, because he simply wants to play. She wants him to just go away.

My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”.  No he’s not.  If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool” -Demetri Martin

Theme Thursday