Songs From The Big Flake: If My Life Was a Song I’d Need Back Up Dancers

Recently I shared an oldie but a goodie, a post speculating about what my life would be like if it was a movie.  But then I got to thinking-what if my life were more like a song?  What songs would be most likely to describe me?  “People are Strange” by The Doors?  “Last Dollar” by Tim McGraw? “Livin’ in the Fridge” by Weird Al?

thinking catAfter a lot of thinking about this way too much, I decided I’d just write my own songs.  Writing your own ditty to the tune of other songs is not as easy as it sounds. My genetic condition enables me to make songs out of virtually anything, but not an entire song.  This was a challenge.  My hat is off to Weird Al!

So get ready.  I’m breaking out the autoharp (because I’m not talented enough to sing and play the flute at the same time).  My backup dancers are prepared to go at a moment’s notice  Here’s my life these days summed up in not one, but three songs:

Brain (To the tune of Girl by Beck)

I saw them yeah I saw them
I think I left them on the back of the toilet
Or maybe out by the vending machines
Or on the top of the underwear rack
With my phone I can try to call
My husband but he’s playing video games
So I’m walking through the aisles of Target
Waiting for someone to turn in my keys

Oh I think I’m gonna need a ride
Because my keys are lost and gone
Oh I know I’m gonna need a ride
Nothing that I could have done
Oh please give me a ride
Nothing that I could have tried

Hey, my fuzzy brain
Hey, my fuzzy brain

Then I dropped it, yeah I dropped it
Dropped my phone while I was using the bathroom
Didn’t flush it, didn’t flush it
Thirty seconds later and I can’t use the speaker
Fell out my pocket, my pants pocket
I’m pretty sure the toilet has a tractor beam
Gotta fix it, can’t replace it
Didn’t get insurance with US Cellular

Yeah I think I’m gonna need some rice
To try to dry out my phone
Brown, basmati, jasmine or white
I’ve never felt so alone
I’d better put it in some rice
Guess it’s really worth a try

Hey, my fuzzy brain
Hey, my fuzzy brain

*************************************************************************************

meanest momMean Mom  (To the tune of Mean by Taylor Swift)

You, with your genius brains
And your facts and your ‘tude that you use against me
You, have forgotten what I’ve said again(It’s like I never said anything)
You, you’re standing on your head in the chair
With the tv on watching Big Bang Theory
You just knocked stuff on the floor again

Well I can yell real loud
With just one single “NO”
But you won’t hear, no you won’t hear me

Someday, you’ll be thinking up a brand new theory
And I’ll all ever be to you is mean
Someday you’ll be making scientific history
And all I’ll ever be to you is mean
All I ever am is mean

You, with your unbrushed hair and your blankie and your fits and your bad constipation
You’ve pooped in your underwear again
(I really didn’t need this)
I fill you full of fiber
Trying to get it all out so you won’t be miserable
I just want you to feel ok again.

You think I push you around
Because I want you to go
In the potty instead of your pants
You really don’t think so
Then you don’t go, yeah you don’t go

Someday, you’ll be taking over some big country
And all I’ll ever be to you is mean
Someday you’ll be in the animal rights industry
And all I’ll ever be to you is mean
Why I gotta be so mean?

You’ll appreciate it years from now
All the pasta I made you try
When I told you to go and play
And all you did was cry
Only some TV and gave you chores and all those bizarre things
Grumbling on about how we don’t help keep the household clean…

But mom is just so mean
Oh she is so mean
But I love her, she’s my mommy, she gives me chocolate
And she’s mean, and mean, and mean…

Someday you’ll see eating vegetables doesn’t cause injury
And mom won’t really seem all that mean, YEAH
Someday we’ll be better people because of mom’s scrutiny
And she won’t really seem all that mean
Why’s she gotta be so?
Someday she’ll be old and living in a cardboard box you see
And she won’t really seem all that mean…
Why’d she have to be so mean?

How They Remind Me  (To the tune of How You Remind Me by Nickelback)

Never made it as a salesgirl
Couldn’t cut it as a music teacher
Tired of applying for the same old jobs
I’m sick of being this pathetic creature

And this is how they remind me
How broke I really am
This is how they remind me
That I should not buy ham

It’s not like I’m not trying
To make a living off of all this writing
This time I’m mistaken
Bout all the money that I thought I’d be makin
And I’ve been mad, I’ve been down
Bout all the rules that I’m supposed to follow
These six words in my head
Scream “Have I found a job yet?”
No, no, no, no no.

Sometimes I smell so bad
There’s some days when I just don’t get clean
I could so use a nap
My two children have almost killed me

This is how they remind me
How old I really am
This is how they remind me
I’m not a miss I’m a ma’am

I’m not like you I’m so boring
Always here trying to write a story
This meal that I’m makin’
Won’t have any meat or bacon
And I’ve been starved, I’ve been down
Down to the bottom of a jar of nutella
These four words that you’ve said
“IS IT SUPPERTIME YET?”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no…

**************************************************************************************

So what do you think?  Do I have it in me to be a rock star? Does my life make an almost interesting song?  Would you like to be one of my backup dancers?  What would the songs describing YOUR life be like?

Proof that you can rock out with an autoharp.

Proof that you can rock out with an autoharp.