Battle of the Sleep Patterns

Theme ThursdayBe cool.  Be a part of the Theme Thursday experience.  It happens on, well, Thursdays.  How do you do it?  It’s pretty simple-write a post according to the topic listed.  Then on Thursday link it up at Something Clever 2.0.  While you’re there grab the theme for next week and start writing.  See how easy that is?

Something Clever 2.0, The Next Step, The Insomniac’s Dream, and Mom With Her Running Shoes On. – See more at: http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/p/theme-thursday.html#sthash.aZdaOWYW.dpuf
Something Clever 2.0, The Next Step, The Insomniac’s Dream, and Mom With Her Running Shoes On. – See more at: http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/p/theme-thursday.html#sthash.aZdaOWYW.dpWhile you’re linking up, grab the topic for the next week and start writing… see how that all works?  Easy peasy.

This week’s theme was early birds vs night owls.

Bloggy stuff-002I’m a night owl.  I suffer from a form of insomnia called “I drink too much caffeine during the day and worry too much at night”.  Therefore I tend to stay up until at least midnight most nights.  I also don’t stay asleep as long as I should.  Once the sun is up, it’s a crap shoot as to how long I’ll actually get to sleep.  Sometimes I just can’t sleep any longer and sometimes it’s due to external factors, like a large dog or my daughter.

The Princess is a morning person.  She’s not just someone who gets up early in the morning, she is someone who gets up early and is HAPPY about it.  I understand she gets this from my father (there’s a story about him getting up at the crack of dawn and singing the cheerios song to my mother-somehow she let him live).  Yup, it must skip a generation.  She literally bounces out of bed in the morning regardless of what time she went to bed the night before.  Is this annoying?  Yes.

early-bird1On the opposite side, Evil Genius takes the prize for morning grouchiness.  You don’t want to speak with him in the morning if it is before 10 am, lest you lose a body part.  I have made the mistake many times of trying to communicate with him before 8 am.  It’s not like I’m trying to make interesting conversation with him either.

Me:  “Have you seen my phone?”
Evil Genius: “RAAAAAAAAAHR!”  (It’s funnier if you picture him as an angry Klingon.)

Since I couldn’t find an angry klingon video, this will have to do:

This grumpiness is advantageous on the weekends.  It usually means I get to sleep in a little later because his side of the bed is closest to the door.  She will peek in the bedroom, see his sleeping form and retreat back to her bedroom.  This only buys me some extra sleep, but I’ll take it. That is, when my body will LET me sleep in.

The Professor uses so much brainpower each day that he requires large amounts of sleep.  As a matter of fact, he is one that I would classify neither as a night owl or an early bird.  He just sleeps a lot.  He is simply disagreeable most mornings, regardless of what time it is.  I can’t win.  Heaven forbid I let him sleep in, but heaven forbid if I wake him up.  Case in point-the weekend.

Saturday:  He is still asleep, but The Princess has me out of bed at 7 am after an hour of asking me to get up.  I check in on him periodically, he is still asleep.  9 am he yells at me from the bedroom.  I go in to see what he wants.
The Professor:  “Why didn’t you get me up?  I’ve been in here waiting and waiting for you  to come get me up!”  (He was asleep five minutes before that.)

The next day:  The Princess has me out of bed at 7:05 am this time (thanks for the extra five minutes sweetie).  At 8 am I go in to wake The Professor up, because after all he yelled at me the morning before…
The Professor:  “Why are you waking me up?  I want to sleep in!!!!!!”

This is when I go back in and go back to sleep on the couch because I was up until 2 am that morning…

What are you?  Are you a night owl?  An early bird?  Neither?  Leave me a comment and let me know!

not a morning personThis post was brought to you by whatever keeps me up until 2 am despite taking Ambien.  Be sure to click on the Theme Thursday button at the top of the post to see what other kinds of people lurk in other houses.

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Theme Thursday: Where’s the Genie in My Bottle?

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday.  It’s better than a litter of kittens, a box of wine, and McDonald’s french fries all put together!  Each week a theme is chosen via a very scientific method-most likely Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 pulling a piece of paper out of a hat.  Then we all get to work and come back with what we want to write about it.  No rules.  Ok, a few rules, but not TOO many for you rebels out there, because we like rebels.  This week’s theme is wishes. 

Does that sound like fun?  Why yes, it is.

When we were kids we always said that if we found a genie in a bottle we’d do the whole wishing thing the right way.  We’d wish for a million wishes instead of the three wishes that people always seemed to screw up in the stories we read!

And me with my problems with indecision, would definitely need more then three wishes!

IMG_2046

One of my husband’s coworkers brought this back from Italy. He went there because he is 100% born and raised Italian. I thought this was cool, it looks like something a genie would live in, does it not?

Needless to say, when I found out that this week’s theme was wishes, I was ready to jump right on that bandwagon.  I could use a few wishes.  Even more importantly, I could use a good genie!  Therefore, before the wishes, we must address the question:  What would my genie look like????

The Aladdin genie, while very funny, doesn’t really do it for me.  Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie?  No thanks.  Kazaam?  Think I’ll pass. How about an Iron Genie?  Think about it…

Make me some coffee!

Make my wishes come true!

If I really did find a genie, I would have to make sure to ask the genie if the genie bra was really that magical…  And then I would make sure that instead of three wishes, that I would be granted infinite wishes.  It would be like having my very own fairy godparents, except BETTER (because you saw my genie, right?)

So what would I use my infinite wishes on?  Oh boy… so many possibilities.

Very first and foremost, I would wish for financial security for my family for the rest of our lives.  Not rich beyond our wildest dreams, just enough so that we wouldn’t have to (barely) live paycheck to paycheck.  This worrying constantly about whether we will have enough each pay period is for the birds.

I’d wish for some of those shirtless superheroes to come hang out at my house.  I can look, I just can’t touch, right?  And they would do all the things I need done, like clean my gutters and fix my appliances.

That's really, really nice.  Now fix my dishwasher.

That’s really, really nice. Now fix my dishwasher.

I would wish for success.  I’m not talking rich and famous success.  I mean being successful at something.  Like my writing to garner a bit more readership.  Perhaps get a book published… Or to just be able to go back to school without going bankrupt would be nice.  I know, I’ll keep dreaming…

A new laptop, with infinite memory, lightning fast internet browsing, and don’t forget the port to plug right into my brain, just like my friend Starr at The Insomniac’s Dream blogged about awhile back when we were doing “Useful Inventions” as our theme.  Oh yes, and no overheating issues, so I could actually be online for more than a little bit at a time!

I would wish for transporter technology so that we could go visit our friends and family in an instant.  Think about it-you’re getting married in Florida?  No big deal, I’ll just beam right down there.  Then I could meet Menopausal Mother for a drink in her backyard! Aw heck, I could do that every weekend!

Meno Mom backyard

Can’t you picture me having a pina colada here?

I’d wish for a better brain.  One that works regularly and doesn’t have holes in it like mine does.  Or maybe I just need to wish for some plugs for the holes!

I would wish for more empathy in the world.  And common sense.  Gosh, wouldn’t that be lovely?

How about a faucet that distributes a little bit of vino? Of course you’d think that if my genie came out of a wine bottle that would be a no-brainer…

I would wish for more talent in the kitchen.  Right now I can’t get an ounce of inventiveness (outside of what Amy at Funny is Family dishes up for her super duper Crockpot Thursdays there’s very little to add to my repertoire these days.)

cat cora

How I feel in the kitchen on a good day…

Bork bork bork!

What’s more realistic.  Bork bork bork!

I would wish for a cure, or at least a better understanding of autism.

Of course I’d wish for Calorie free desserts that taste like the real thing…

And a good night’s sleep, or two, or ten.  Heck it’s infinite wishes, right?

Most importantly, I’d wish for happiness for my children, for them to be able to attain their hopes and dreams, and eventual success.

Now dammit, it’s in my head and I have to play it…

Thought this looked like fun?  Want to participate in a future Theme Thursday?  The theme is listed for the following week in each week’s Theme Thursday post.  See what we’ve got going on, write to your little heart’s content, then come back and link er up.  In the meantime, please read some of this week’s posts to get some inspiration, because we are always inspiring, at least 92% of the time…

No I meant without the suits.  I mean they'd be wearing clothes.  I mean, oh never mind...

Oh boys, fighting over me are we?  This could happen, except they’d be without the suits. I mean they’d be wearing clothes. I mean, oh never mind…

Beware of She Who Writes With Flaming Laptop

Because apparently there are no funny pictures of a computer on fire...

Because apparently there are no funny pictures of a computer on fire…

Just in case you were thinking I was such a bitch for 1)  Not responding to all of your wonderful comments 2)  Not reading your blog posts or 3)  Not seeming to be around at all so that you were wandering around crying and calling for me by name…  I know, how dare I disappear for a few days!

You see, I’m too hot.  Or rather, my laptop is.

The old girl has been having some issues (as do I, but this isn’t the time to discuss it). I uninstalled some programs, swapped my mouse, did some other things and it’s not so bad.  I still can’t be on for long periods of time, which is sad, but considering the alternative I’ll take what I can get.

blue screenBasically my computer gets too hot, and then it forgets who it is, what it’s doing, and apparently who I am.  That’s bad.  I’m not sure if I need to find an Alzheimer’s unit for confused computers or if there is still hope.

One thing I have learned is If you own a Dell laptop of any kind, DO NOT google “flaming laptop” thinking you’re going to find something funny.  All it will do is scare the bejeezus out of you!  Not only did I find very scary images of laptops on fire or melted, but many of them were of the very same make and model of computer that I am tapping away on right now. I DID NOT share that information at the time, so it fully leads me to believe that this really is one big problem looking for a place to happen.

update kittySo if you’re thinking about sending me a shiny, brand new laptop, shoot me an email and we’ll talk.  Until then just think of me as “She Who Writes With Flaming Laptop”.  Or for short you can call me SWWWFL, pronounced “swiffle”.

Since you’re reading, please hop over to Theme Thursday by clicking the cute button below and see what my ladeez love.  It’s all about favorite things.  I also love things, and I linked up the post I did earlier this year if you want to read about it.  But you don’t have to.  I’ll be back tomorrow with a new post with my thoughts about the BlogHer 2013 conference.  Have a Happy Thursday!

Theme Thursday

Theme Thursday: Everybody Has Superpowers (Maybe Even YOU!)

Theme ThursdayWhat is Theme Thursday?  It’s faster than a speeding bullet!  It’s more powerful than a locomotive!  It’s able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!  Look, up up in the sky!  It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s THEME THURSDAY!  And in case you didn’t guess by the opening, this week’s theme is superheroes.

Participants of Theme Thursday are not actually superheroes. Oh wait, yes they are.  They totally are.  And you need to click that button at the top and read their superness.  Do it, or I’ll tell The Human Torch on you.

melt ice

It totally proves my theory…

What exactly is a superhero?  Is it someone who does good deeds?  Does having superpowers make someone a superhero?  We all know that Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark didn’t have superpowers, they just had really expensive toys.  They also totally got by on their looks, which is okay, because we like to look at them.

In reality, I think everyone probably has some sort of special power.  Especially kids and pets. They can totally pull off being a superhero.  It doesn’t take a radioactive spider or a horrible life tragedy to bring these powers on.  I know it has to be true because I am an eyewitness.  They are right in my house.  I have seen it so it must true, right?  Don’t believe me?  Keep reading:

The Streak

The StreakAbility to strip off clothes in an instant.  Added superpower of stopping people in their tracks laughing because dammit it is funny.  Sometimes.

Mega Stench

Mega StinkerSmells so powerful supervillains as well as anyone else within a ten mile radius are brought to their knees. *Gasps for air*

Mr Knowledge (the little guy on the right)

Knowledge

Knows every fact, every statistic, and will be sure to tell you at least a dozen times.  Known to paralyze people with his facts.  This is the guy who will not only have all of the cool toys when he grows up, he will have designed and built all of them too!

Mistress Mess

Mess MistressThe Flash’s long lost sister, cousin to Storm, stepsister to Messy Marvin.
Superpowers:  Ability to mess up a room in no time flat, and magnetically attract dirt.

Captain Cuteness

Captain CuteHe can stop anyone in their tracks with his adorableness.  Can bring down a busy person in a matter of moments and can keep them immobilized for hours.

There are supervillains too!

3D

The Evil DishesRight?  This is totally evil in my house.

Dr Laundry

laundry One of the most evil things out there.  It takes over your house slowly.  Even Captain Cuteness’s powers are useless against it.  (I think its totally in cahoots with 3D-they’re on a quest together for world domination, or at least house domination.)

Still don’t believe me?  I’m actually a superhero myself.  Sort of…

Tie-Dye Girl

Tie Dye Girl!Who could forget Tie-Dye Girl???  She’ll make sure your life is full of color.

Why do I know so much about this anyway, you ask?  Well, I am married to this guy after all:

Evil Genius

Evil Genius

Self-explanatory.

Further research on this subject may involve watching the movie Mystery Men and the disturbing yet hilarious animated series The Oblongs, listening to The Avengers soundtrack and eating  a lot of spinach.  Keep in mind that singing the song with the lyrics “I’m Popeye the sailor man, I live in a garbage can…” is totally optional, but I am a bit alarmed by the fact that someone actually researched different versions of it and put it on a website.

What’s your superpower?  I bet you have one too!

I found this little gem awhile back.  On days like this it certainly makes me smile...

I never had the superpowers had to be USEFUL!

I hope you enjoyed or at least found my post mildly amusing.  All of the images used in this post were edited to kind of sort of look like comics through Picasa.  This is really sad because a) I got no money or any kind of fun stuff to say that and b)   I actually own a copy of Photoshop Elements that I paid for using actual money!

Be sure to go check out the other super writers and what they had to say about superheroes by clicking on the Theme Thursday button at the top!

Thanks for reading, now I must go save my people!

Thanks for reading, now I must go save my people!

Happy 4th!

firecracker tamponIt’s the 4th of July and the last thing most people want to be doing is sitting around reading blog posts, right?  I’m starting it off with a bang with a monster headache.  With it being the holiday but it happening to be on a Thursday, Theme Thursday is still going on.  We’re all rerunning old posts that we’re proud of.  So in this case, Reruns=Good.  I’m sharing my magnum opus *snort* about my unemployment and potential jobs that I could do… it’s worth at least a half a laugh.  I included the Theme Thursday button at the top of the post so just in case you have more than fifteen seconds that you can check them all out.

The Sadder But Wiser Girl…Poop Detective

I’m not letting you get away that easily.  My bestie Amy over at Funny is Family saves the world from starvation each week with her Crockpot Thursdays.  I shared a recipe that we love here at our house but sadly cannot take the credit for it.  Her blog is wonderfully funny, and she is famous since the bestselling book that she is featured in,  I Just Want To Pee Alone, took the nation by flush storm.  I’m asking you nicely to go check out her blog and the recipes.  It’s certainly worth your time! 🙂

Crock Pot Thursday: Slow Cooked Whole Chicken

firecracker squirrelI hope you have a fun and safe 4th of July!  🙂

REBLOG: The ADD Mom Travels: Encounters with UFOs, Evil Screens, and Pork Chop Anxiety

In order to partake in Theme Thursday today with the theme of road trips, I am reblogging possibly the longest post I’ve ever written. It’s the closest I’ve probably taken to a road trip in recent memory. Be sure to check out the other posts about road trips that probably have nothing to do with pork chop anxiety by clicking on the Theme Thursday button thingie!

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Once upon a time we attempted to travel more than a few miles.  We also had company for more than a few minutes but less than a few hours.  The events leading up to the actual event that we were trying to get to made it that much more interesting…

The weirdness commenced when my son tried to go to Sunday School with no shoes on.  He waited until we were walking down the sidewalk to tell me this information.  “MOM, I don’t have any SHOES ON!”  I hadn’t even noticed, apparently he didn’t either.  Our church is very close to our house, so we often walk.  Now that his little sister is also attending Sunday School, he has to walk with her.  Our state has had a rash of child stealing people (always in a white van), so he can’t walk by himself anymore anyway.  Apparently he forgot that…

View original post 2,082 more words

Theme Thursday: I Could So Be An Inventor

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is a once a week opportunity to observe the writing rituals of bloggers.  Hosted by the lovely Jen of Something Clever 2.0, each week has a different theme to write about.  This week’s theme is Useful Inventions.

(This post was published previously last August.)

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should be an inventor.  Maybe I should have added that to my list of potential jobs.  I’d make very ADD friendly inventions.  Why else would I want to invent something?  It probably wouldn’t be in my best interest-I’d probably lose the patents.

Here are some of my ideas to make my life easier:

1)  Automatic Lunchbox-  It remembers to pack itself.  It makes sure you have all the components for a healthy lunch.  Best of all, it chases you down if you try to leave the house without it.

2)  Snooze Button That Fights Back– It shocks…

View original post 410 more words

Theme Thursday: Lots of Pain, So Far No Gain

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is a magical place where dreams come true.  All the magic is brought to you by Jenn from Something Clever 2.0.

This week’s theme was to write about what drives you crazy.

Crazy is right.  I feel absolutely nuts about now.

I have eluded to the fact that I’ve been in a lot of agony lately.  I don’t like to say a whole lot, because I don’t want to come off a complainer.  Trust me on this one, and don’t listen to a word my husband says about there always something being wrong with me.  He thinks he’s being funny, you know.

I’ve had a stiff, painful neck on one side for months, and it finally got so bad that I went in and got it looked at.  I’ve now been in there threee times.  Appointment #1-It’s stress and all in my head.  Appointment #2-I got X-rays and oh that was FUN. My spine is fine, thanks for asking.  Appointment #3-I don’t have shingles and it’s not going away on its own.

I’m sure I look like I’m possessed the way I’m walking around rolling my head these days.  I’m trying to unkink my neck, even though I know it’s not going to help.  It hurts like holy heck.  Add to that the newest member of the pain family:  The head.  Whichever part of my body decided that this was a funny joke can really just knock it off now!  Really?  A million pin pricks of hot pain on my scalp?  That’s real funny.  Not.

You find this funny?  I don't, because I'm completely out of chocolate.

You find this funny? I don’t, because I’m completely out of chocolate.

As one would expect, this is a huge challenge for someone who is considered a humor writer.  It’s put a great big giant Charley Horse in my style.  Although I’ve managed to maintain somewhat of a sense of humor during all of this, I feel like a horrible mom and wife.  I’m crabby because I hurt so bad and don’t sleep well.  I can do very little around the house.  I’m sure that my husband and kids would like to auction me off very cheaply about now.  Or at least trade me in for a mom without body issues.This past Sunday I felt totally useless as I lay on the couch and my family pitched in to do everything that I have been neglecting around the house.  It was literally all I could do.  I’m so happy that they stepped up-I fall somewhere between bad and terrible when it comes to housecleaning and maintenance as it is.  This is not helping my image!

I think I’d feel about the same as I would if were to lean on a cactus…  Or maybe I’d feel better?  I’ve shared my pain with a few of the people I talk to regularly.  My blogging friends in particular have been wonderful-I’ve received plenty of advice on things I can try:

Acupuncture:  It’s needles.  IT’S NEEDLES!  Noooo!  I’m deathly afraid of anything with a needle. No wonder I don’t sew.

Supplements:  I really would like to take some, but I already take a multivitamin and I’m skeered of growing an extra head.  One that would hurt just as much as the one I have.

It would be like the cars.com commercial but scarier...

It would be like the cars.com commercial but scarier…

Massage:  Hell yeah!  Who wants to give me one?  Actually, Evil Genius has stepped up nicely in the department, but he can’t do much about my head.

Alternative Medicine:  I’ve had all kinds of wonderful stuff suggested to me that I’ve never heard of before, and that unfortunately aren’t available here in corn country.

Chocolate Therapy:  I understand that chocolate goes quite well with vicodin.

Alcoholism:  Maybe a glass or two, but I really like my liver, thanks.

I personally think that if I were to cut myself in half I might actually feel better.  I’d look pretty weird though.

As I said, we’ve tried to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing.  Evil Genius has made sure to make plenty of jokes at my expense.  Some of them were even funny. He’s had his own pain to deal with-his knee is going to explode any day now.  Some snippets of things said at my house this week:

“You said you wanted to tighten up. I can’t help it if you’re an overachiever.”

“Come over here and put your neck against my knee.  Maybe we can cancel out each other’s pain.”

The doctor referred me to physical therapy, FINALLY.  She said I needed deep tissue massage and a few rounds with the TENS machine.  Unfortunately I have to wait until Monday to get any relief.  I’m really hoping it helps.  I’d really hate to feel like this for the rest of my life!

Have you ever been in pain that just wouldn’t quit?  What did you end up doing for it?  Did anything work (or are you still in pain)?  I’d love to hear your story, however depressing or funny it is…

lost itPlease be sure to see what drives other bloggers batty by clicking on the Theme Thursday link at the top!

I’m doing double duty this week by cohosting the Tattler Thursday blog hop.  I’m a blog hop virgin, so I’m not really sure what I’m doing…  We can’t get the links to work, so I’m plugging it sans links for now.  If you’d like to link up, please visit The Wild and Wonderful World of Gingerssnaps and/or CHill Thoughts to link up your post!

Hostess

The Wild and Wonderful World of Gingerssnaps

Co-Hostess

Co-Hostess

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Theme Thursday: Qapla’!

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is where it’s at.  Every week several very talented bloggers test out their mad skillz and write their take on a certain topic and then link their posts up at Something Clever 2.0.  In other words, for a good time, call Jenn.  She’ll hook you up with all these fabulous writers.

This week’s topic is all about what makes you proud. 

(Yeah, yeah.  I know it’s almost Friday and I’m just now posting this.  I had something I had to take care of, more explanation about that will come later.  So call me fashionably late…)

Qapla’ is the Klingon word for success, and me being the geek that I am, I had to work it into this post somehow.  Yes, I have some successes in my life, and those therefore are things that I’m very proud of!  The following is a comprehensive list…

IMG_1439My husband

Why am I proud of Evil Genius?  He took a negative situation and turned it into something positive.  After one factory closing and rumblings of trouble at the one he was hired at next, he decided enough was enough.  He went back to school to be a Mechanical Engineer.  Going to school when you have a family is not easy, but he made it work and graduated at the end of 2011.  The next month he started as an intern at a company that makes agricultural sprayers and was hired on full-time in no time flat.  And yes, he’s still there, being all kinds of evil and genius and all that whatnot…

My writing

I guess it all does sound kind of impressive.  I’ve been blogging for almost a year and have lots to show for it.  I’m not saying that all of my posts have been award winning, but I am quite prolific and manage to keep a pretty consistently high quality of posts.  I’ve rubbed elbows with The Bearded Iris and The Domestic Diva.  I’ve been featured on Aiming Low and was lucky enough to write for The Epistolarians.  While I may not exactly be rolling in the dough right now, perhaps on down the line something will happen.  Maybe I can make, oh I don’t know, five or six bucks?

IMG_1259My kids

While my kids may not be perfect by any means, I am proud of the people that they are becoming.  They both have definite personalities and each have their very own sense of humor.  They provide constant fodder for my writing, and that’s all good.  🙂

The work in progress

I can’t exactly say that I’m proud of me, but I’d like to think that I’m a work in progress.  Kind of like Windows, I’m working on a better me for tomorrow.  A successful tomorrow?  Could be.  I don’t know, it hasn’t been written yet.

Thanks for reading!  Don’t forget to follow the link at the top of this post to see what all of the other participants take pride in!

Theme Thursday: Do-Overs

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is an opportunity to mind meld with the most amazing people online.  Today’s topic is Do-Overs.  After you read my mind blowing post, please click on the link at the top to view other even more mind blowing posts about doing stuff over.

This post is a bit off from my usual clean fun.  I may pepper it with some colorful metaphors.  If you do not like colorful metaphors, then please please just do not read. 

What, do you ask, is a colorful metaphor?  Oh please allow me…

star trek metaphor

Colorful Metaphors, Star Trek Style:  You Tube Video Link Here

Yes, only I could work Star Trek into a post like that, because that’s how I roll.

*Ahem*

It’s tempting to write a bunch of baloney this evening as reality is starting to rear its ugly head here in the land of cornfields and wind turbines.  The sub job is over, and we’re quickly getting back to living paycheck to paycheck.  I’m spending waaaaaay more time than I should looking at job postings.  Gee, it’s the SAME jobs over and over.  How many more rejection letters can I receive from McFarland Clinic?  Is Iowa State ever even going to look at my resume before setting it aflame?  And part-time stuff in the evenings and weekends?  HA!  It’s positively abysmal.  I really hope that this writing thing takes off pretty soon, but I’m not holding my breath.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m very happy with how some things turned out.  I’m crazy about my husband and kids. While life hasn’t always dealt us the greatest hand we are pretty awesome, dammit.

But there are some things in my life that I just wish I could go back and DO OVER, mainly because they were STUPID.

The following is a list of “Do-Over” Opportunities.  Please note that these are different from Photo Opportunities…  Each scenario in itself would negate the other opportunities, because it would create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe!  Or something like that.

OH NO!  Not the fabric of time!

OH NO! Not the fabric of time!

Do-Over Opportunities

Do-Over Opportunity:  In high school you will be presented with many opportunities that for some reason or other, someone will try to talk you out of.  Do me a favor and do this over-ignore the naysayers and do what the hell you want to.  This could possibly lead to a more interesting life and fewer regrets.

Do-Over Opportunity:  That really super hot guy with the motorcycle, the really tall one with the blue eyes, the one you spent an entire semester staring at in math class, avoid at all costs.  Yes, do this over the right away.  When he walks up to you the following semester after chorus, WALK AWAY.  When he comes to your house, tell him to GO AWAY!  When he calls, hang up.  As a matter of fact, maybe do that with every guy that approaches you between the years of 1990-1997.  It will be so much better and so much less complicated.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When the Student Ambassadors at Lord Voldemort College approach you about majoring in Music Education, tell them thanks but no thanks, and then run and hide amongst the Elementary/Early Childhood majors. They’ll protect you.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you realize how much the department you’re in at Lord Voldemort College is not doing you any good, you’ll try to transfer your buns out of there.  They’ll call you in to threaten you with all kinds of bullshit.  Here’s when your do-over comes in.  DON’T BELIEVE THEM.  It’s all lies.  Transfer and get the “h” out.  Go to a different school and go on with your life.  It’s much better than having student loans the rest of your life that you can’t pay.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you’re called into your boss’s office and handed a paper with the word “failure”on it seven times and told to either resign or be terminated, don’t retreat into anonyminity.  Fight.  Get a lawyer.  SUE THEIR ARSES!

But Wait, Hold the phone…

You know there is the stuff I did right too, like making some of the friends I did in high school and college.  Like holding out for the hot smart guy with the weird but awesome sense of humor who actually can hold a conversation with me and likes many of the same things I do.  Yes, the one who proposed to me on a playground and I said “Yes!”  And those two kids, they’re pretty neat too.  The blogging thing, while as of yet it hasn’t paid out anything other than self satisfaction and some great friends, I think I did well to stick it out with that as well.

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother.  She gets me...

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother. She gets me…

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metaphors

I couldn’t resist one more thing about those damn colorful metaphors…YouTube Video Link Here.