My Husband Won’t Read My Blog And Other Random Stupid Stuff

My husband won’t read my blog.  At least I don’t think he’s read it.  At one point he hollered “I just read it!”  How could he do that in twelve seconds?  I thin he’s lying.

Why is it so critical that one of the most important people in my life takes a look at what I’ve so carefully crafted?  I really have no idea.  And what would he say to me if he did?  Give me a high five?  Sign me up for a writing class?  Throw something at me?  Tell me that he doesn’t yearn for meat nearly as much as I have led the world to believe?  Not sure…

In other news, I think I’m doing this all wrong.  A couple of nights ago while waiting for the Ambien to kick in I googled “How to get more people to read your blog”.  This is what I learned:

1)  Find your audience.  I didn’t know they were missing.  Seriously, I was more thinking that I just need to get stuff out there and put down what’s in my head, as scary as that may be.  I guess whoever likes it, well, that’s my audience.  Glad I found you.

2)  Dark colored background…BAD.  Oh nooooooooooo… if your blog is dark no one will ever read it.  Nice.  Honestly, I looked high and low for a background I really liked.  Sorry Charlie, I like the particular theme I chose, Dusk to Dawn.  Nothing else on WordPress seemed to fit my personal style.  After reading this, I actually went into the themes and looked again.  I still don’t like any of the others.  Dark is me (well, actually I’m quite pale.)

3)  Tweet.  I don’t.  I know everyone is doing it.  I just don’t feel a need to do it.

4)  Simplify.  Did you know that in this day and age people don’t actually READ blogs?  They SCAN them.  That’s news to me, because I still read stuff.

5)  Use images to break up text.  Because it’s really hard work to see all of those words.  Sometimes I use pictures and sometimes I don’t.  Depends on what I’m trying to do.  I could just find random pictures and put them in to break stuff up, like this…

This is toilet paper.

What’s really super awesome is that if I choose to use this as my only image in here that will be the “featured image” for this post.  I like that.  I like toilet paper.

6)  Unless you’re famous, no one reads personal blogs anymore.  Well that does it.  Guess I’m gonna have to get famous.  I’m still not going to tweet.

I really DO want people to read my blog, because I want them to be entertained.  It’s cheaper than therapy.  It’s also great to get feedback.  It’s nice to be appreciated.  I made a page on Facebook, put it out there for family and friends, and try to at least try to attract a handful or so of people who might enjoy my warped humor.

I still don’t get how I’m really supposed to use tags.  I’ve read a bunch of stuff, and I don’t have the patience to watch the video tutorials.  So I just pick random stuff and use it as a tag.  Probably not the thing you’re supposed to do, eh?  Despite my unwillingness to watch a video, through my persistence I have figured out some awesome features on WordPress.  You can see the countries people are from that view your blog.  I don’t know why, but I think that is very neat!  So far I have people from the US, Canada, Australia, India, and Norway.  Not bad for just a few days of being public.  Maybe I am famous after all.

I’ve recovered from my self proclaimed “Idea Diarrhea” and am now afflicted with some sort of brain constipation (and have no cool name for it).  I have some random stuff in my head but when it comes out it doesn’t come out right.  Is there a sort of stool softener for your brain?  Or brain fiber?  If there is, please tell me where to get it…

Truths of My Household: Random Observations of a Tired Mom

I find the following in my life to be true at the moment:

If a woman gets up at the crack of dawn to do any sort of exercise without distraction, the preschooler in the house knows it and will get up too.

There is no surface in the state of Iowa that my seven year old has not licked.

The state of my house is rapidly deteriorating.  I think there is a mathematical formula in there about the age of your children being inversely proportional to the cleanliness of the house.

If I would take the time to clean out my car, there would no longer be any starving children in China.  I believe there is enough uneaten food in the backseat to solve that problem.

The more I sleep, the more tired I am.  The less I sleep, well…

My children watch too much TV.  My seven year old son can tell you all about any drug they are currently marketing.  He wanted me to know that the shingles virus was already inside me.

No matter how clean your floor is your cat will puke on it.

If I recycled all the pop cans in my house and reused the aluminum from them, I think I could build a small car.

My children’s rooms are like a roach motel for everything.  It goes in but it never leaves.

If you are trying to get out of your house in a rush that is the day you will lose your keys.

The laundry hamper is five feet from the shower.   Why is that so hard to understand?

Why is it that we go through so much toilet paper, yet no one in this house actually seems to use it??

The more laundry I have to do, the more I admire nudists.

If you put your winter clothes away, it will get cold.  Then as soon as you pull them back out, it will ninety degrees.

The more I am away from my house, the less time I have to clean it.  The more I am home, the less motivation I have to clean it.

If it’s supposedly good for you, wait awhile, they’ll prove that it’s not.

My life is an endless string of dirtiness.  Dirty is the new clean.

The Barbie house is the melting pot of our household.  She turns away nobody.  Everything from My Little Ponies to plastic bugs go there to hang out.