More Inventions I Could Really Use

Great Scott!  We’re talking about inventions again!  Now that I think about it, I guess I could use a time machine too…

New followers-you have missed the insanity that really got this little blog out of the hangar and on to the runway.  I Could So Be An Inventor was a hit with people who know me, anyway.  Lucky you, I’ve been saving more of them up.  Here’s Part Deux.  These aren’t as good as the original set, but I certainly think I could use some of these!

1)  Food expiration alarm-How many times have I bought a bag of spinach with lofty goals of eating salad and putting spinach on various sandwiches, only to forget the dang thing in the back of the crisper drawer (or the hole that used to be the crisper drawer in my fridge)?  Such a waste of money.  If there was an alarm that would sound a certain amount of time before food expired, it might encourage more people to use vegetables and leftovers BEFORE they expire.  You know, saving money and stuff.  In my house it would have to be a pretty shrill alarm.

2)  Appliance Resuscitation Device or ARD–  Your major appliance bit the dust?  There may still be hope.  You’ve heard of an AED?  This is the version for appliances:  a set of two paddles that you can attach and try to jolt it back to life.  I could really use this right now on my dishwasher and garbage disposal!

Looks like this appliance could use an ARD. It’s fallen and it can’t get up.

3)  Dead Rodent Detection Device-I believe I mentioned that we needed on of these in Living With An Evil Genius (Or Two).  He hasn’t delivered.  It would work much like a metal detector.  Then once the dead body is located, it is incinerated by fancy technology that I can’t even begin to comprehend.  This is because I REALLY don’t need any more holes in my walls.

4)  Real Life Censor-This will take the frustration out of those naughty words that you accidentally mutter. It syncs into your brain waves and senses when you are about to cuss, and then bleeps you out.  In some households I would be afraid of it getting overloaded…  You can upgrade to the Austin Powers Model that covers up anything indecent by projecting an image of something else over it.  Both models only work when children and elderly grandparents are in the room.

Having a real life censor for some people would be like being R2D2. Bleep.

5)  Brain Upgrade– Works much like the memory on computers.  Plugs into your ear when you need more memory.  I need about ten of these.

I just wanted an excuse to use this picture! I doubt it would look like that. Maybe more like a unicorn horn? Nah, that would just be silly. You don’t WANT people to know you have a brain upgrade, right?

6)  Fat Cloaking Device– Not your ordinary cloaking device, but what is?  Feeling fat today?  Turn this one and you are one slender hot mama.  No discomfort necessary.  Just as useful as the Mess Cloaking Device, ‘cept better.

7)  Political Ad Replacer– Too late for this year, but could prove quite useful in the future.  Detects whenever there is a political ad on your TV.  Plays footage of animals doing funny things, because who doesn’t like cute animals being funny (and who actually likes political ads)?  Can also be used to zap political mailings into pictures of Blake Shelton.  You’re welcome.  I could really like politics if that were the case.

No Politics here. Just Blake Shelton.

8)  Chocolate Powder-This isn’t your grandmother’s cocoa!  Sprinkle it on any food and it will taste just like chocolate.  It doesn’t add calories.  Hate broccoli?  Now it tastes like chocolate pudding.  Despise liver?  Now it’s chocolate cake.  Doesn’t work on fruitcake.  Nothing can alter fruitcake.

9)  Useful Information Filter-This is exclusively for ADD folks only.  This special filter attaches to your brain and screens out the crap you usually retain and keeps the important stuff in the right place.  Don’t worry, you’ll still remember all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody”, but can also remember when to pay your water bill.  Comes as a bonus item when you order the brain upgrade.

Don’t worry, it really wouldn’t look like this. I’m just messing with ya.

10)  Idea Enhancer-Takes those great ideas that you always get that usually go nowhere and helps bring them to fruition.  If your enhanced idea lasts more than four hours, contact your physician.

11)  Child Tractor Beam-Tired of your toddler trying to get away?  Kindergartener won’t come out of his room when you call?  Can’t get your ten year old to come home from his friend’s house?  Turn on this handy dandy tractor beam and they’ll be right there in a jiffy.  Not the same as the toilet tractor beam, thank goodness!

And last but not least-

12) Nakedness Alarm Disarming System-New in January 2013, this remote provides all controls to disarm the Mom Nakedness Alarm.  Simply plug in the code, and you can pee/get dressed/take a bath/poop/etc in peace without a child needing you to “Make the Bop-It listen” or any other nonsensical thing kids need the moment they know you are naked.  This is because they won’t know…

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’m sure I’ll have more.  Who can finish off a blog post about inventions without a Tony Stark reference… I can’t.

Oh come on, you know we all could use one. I’m talking about the GLOVE LIGHT people!

Sickety Sick Sickiness

On top of the twelve days of PMS coming to an end, it became very apparent yesterday when I got up that I was SICK.  Not just a little under the weather, sickety sick sickiness.  Like I can’t get up sickness.

I’m not sure what exactly got me up in the morning.  I know I didn’t WANT to get up because I was having a really fantastic dream.  At least I think it was fantastic because Tony Stark was in it, and I think we were volunteering or something together (do superheroes do volunteer work?  Or is being a superhero in itself volunteering).  There were lots of cups or something, so maybe it was a wedding instead.  Uh-oh, did I kill off Pepper Potts?  Don’t get me started on my whole IronMan Robert Downey Jr fascination because I don’t really understand it either.  The guy plays a jackass and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was one in real life too.  Then again I guess it wasn’t THAT good of a dream, because where were the rest of the Avengers?  At least the Thor admiration makes sense.  Anyway, I should have just stayed in bed.

We’re actually already on to Day 2 of Sickety Sick Sickiness.  You’ll have to excuse the typing. I’m trying to type while laying down.  Not an easy feat.  I can’t sit up because I may puke.  It’s a cruel joke, feminine monthly woes on top of a nasty virus.  Yeah, I’m laughing on the inside.

I haven’t been puking but I imagine this is the amount of sympathy that I probably would get from my cat…

I’m hot, I’m cold, I’m hot, I’m cold.  My stomach may rupture any moment-I may have one of those aliens in there.  I’ve slept on and off all day the last two days, trying to get back to figuring out what that dream was about.  At one point yesterday I went up and laid in bed, but that did no good because then I was joined by two little girls-a furry one and a not furry one.  They were not about to let me rest.  The dog lays on me when I’m downstairs.  He DOES NOT help the feeling hot issue.  I think he thinks I’m dying-he can’t handle that thought.  I DO feel like I’m dying.

I’m a MOM, and of course part of the job is pretty much no days off.  I must admit the kids have been pretty good.  My son had a no school day today, and he has done a pretty good job of keeping his sister somewhat entertained.  However, the house is worse of a shambles than usual.  My goodness this would be a great time to have that automated house that does everything for you.  I’ve TRIED to do stuff.  Last night I went in and tried to get supper started in between bouts of nausea and dizziness.  I didn’t get very far.  I was extremely happy today to find one clean pan to make the kids the last box of Kraft mac n cheese in the house.  Yay!  Easy lunch.  Back to the couch.  The fan is blowing right on me.  I can’t eat anything…  I tried.  The results were not pleasant.

So if there aren’t any entries on here for awhile, it’s because I died.  They can bury me in the garden with all the weeds.  While I’m laying here waiting for some relief maybe I can figure out what the heck that dream was all about…

So now this has me wondering-is being a superhero a form of volunteerism?

Extreme Geekdom, Iron Man Style

Guess what this is?

For those of you who have read my “About” page, as you can see by the picture above Evil Genius really did make his own arc reactor.  Now it’s not real-all it does is light up, but it looks REALLY cool.  It’s LEDs and a power source, nestled into a pvc pipe vent that has been hollowed out and the design cut into metal by a laser.  Oh and vellum, that was my contribution.  It’s actually part of his cubicle sign at work, but this part he worked on for quite some time at home.

(Just in case you haven’t noticed, we are geeks.)

At some point in this process, Evil Genius promised The Professor that he was going to make him an Iron Man suit of his own for Halloween.  He wasn’t thinking at the time that The Professor would remember. He did.  I ended up buying him a cheap Iron Man costume at Target last week.  There were two different costumes.  The $20 one had muscles.  As far as I could tell, that and the glow in the dark arc reactor were the only differences that I could tell between that and the $10 one.  Needless to say, I bought the cheaper one.

Me being me, and the wife of an engineer, I had to make it light up somehow.  I jokingly asked Evil Genius to make him his own arc reactor.  Not going to happen.  Then I had a vision.  At Lowes they have these lights that look remarkably like the arc reactor in the movie.  Lowes is not a place I get to very often. It’s not like it’s out of my way, it’s just one more place to stop when I’m out running errands.  I checked the light section at Target while I was there, but it didn’t look enough like what I was going for.

Now who cares that a seven year old’s costume that happens to have the middle light up is authentic looking.  Apparently I do.

Today we finally made it Lowes after renting movies.  The light, while not exact, looked pretty darn close to the one in the movie.  So I shelled out the money, and have spent the better part of the afternoon trying to figure out how the heck to attach it.  The first idea was to sew a pocket onto the inside of the costume, and slip the light in that part.  I don’t want stitches showing.  So that idea went away.  My second idea was to use the circle of velcro that came with the light.  I had my son put on a black shirt, then the costume over it.  I slipped the light in between with the sticky side up against the shirt and stuck it on.  Then I sewed the velcro to the shirt.  Looks great, but it’s pretty obvious that the light probably won’t stay on.  The additional part didn’t work-I cut circles of velcro in half and stuck them to the light and to the inside of the shirt.  You could see the half circles of velcro through the costume when the light is on.

The light, attached to the shirt, with the velcro that I have since removed from the front.

This is kind of what it looks like shining through.

This is what I’m actually trying to light up.

So that’s where I’m at.  I’m not sure where to go next here.  Suggestions are welcome.  I’m sure I’ll come up with something, it may just take some time.

Here’s the funny thing, this isn’t an abnormal situation at our house.  We always seem to have something a little strange brewing.  Some days I don’t think we are just geeks, we are EXTREME geeks.  Now granted, I’ve seen people take it to extremes on the internet.  I’ve seen people get married in full Klingon garb and wear their Star Wars costumes around for fun.  But we get into the technical stuff, and that’s a little scary.

I think Tony Stark would be pretty darn proud of my ingenuity. Oh wait, he probably wouldn’t care. He’s a narcissist.

Halloween in my family has never had a shortage of creative costumes.  As an adult, that creativity has been stifled in me somewhat.  Mainly by a husband who doesn’t care for Halloween.  Also because I just haven’t had much opportunity to dress up.  This year, the kids are getting old enough that I can really have fun with it.  We have the house mostly decorated, we’re working on the costumes, I’m getting my geek on in a big way!

I’ll keep everyone posted on the costume.  I’ve had a couple of suggestions from friends on Facebook.  Maybe between that and the old brain, I’ll come up with an uber brilliant idea…

(Incidentally, just as proof that we aren’t just geeks, but well rounded ones- The whole family actually got to go to the football game this time.  It was meant to be.  Not only was it perfect weather, but the eagerly anticipated half-time performance from the marching band just happened to be music from Star Wars.  This was enhanced by the summary of the football season thus far scrolling on the big screen in a Star Wars type title sequence, as well as a mock award ceremony on the field with people dressed up as Star Wars characters.  It had to be one of the coolest things I had ever seen.  I don’t know if anyone else shared my enthusiasm outside of my family sitting with me, except maybe the guy who comes to the games in the Clone Trooper helmet.)

I’ve Been Married 4745 Days: How Did We Do That?

TV relationship most like ours. But my husband is much smarter than Tim Taylor.

“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.” -Albert Einstein

We’ve been together awhile.  Every so often I want my husband to know that I still like him.  I actually wrote him an appreciation letter the other day.  It wasn’t a love letter, though I did tell him I loved him a few times in it.  It was just more me letting him know how much I appreciate him.

Evil Genius and I will be married for thirteen years today.  As I’ve said before, according to tradition it’s the lace anniversary.  Whatever.  I don’t need doilies.  We’re still happily married.  I’m not saying it’s been easy.  The last few years have been particularly challenging for us due to all kinds of weird work situations, his return to school and subsequent graduation, and difficult children.  Lately he has become an excellent zombie due to working long hours, two hours a day on the road for work in addition to those long hours, and a brain full of information and ideas that he can’t ignore.  Meanwhile, I am climbing the walls because I’m home all day and sleep until 7 am.  Nonetheless, I still love him to pieces.  Supposedly he loves me, but it’s hard to show it when you are too tired to move or disseminate information.

How will we be celebrating our anniversary?  We went out for a bit the other night.  Just the two of us without any children.  He’s working today, tonight we’ll probably cook something for dinner and hang out.  And hopefully he’ll be able to stay conscious.

Just in a show of appreciation for us, I think the dog tried to chew a red rubbermaid lid in the shape of a heart.  I’m going with that and ignoring the 17 other things he chewed up.

I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write today.  In honor of our anniversary, here’s some random thoughts about our relationship:

You really CAN meet someone at a bar.  Believe me, I tried other venues.

If we didn’t have each other, I’d never know where I’d seen an actor/actress before and he would never know what their name is.

We’re both ADD, but man does it manifest itself in very different ways.

We’re an interesting couple. Here’s another one of our favorite TV couples. Who doesn’t love Monica and Chandler. They’re dysfunctional like us, I think that’s why I like them.

We both think the same things when we see something, but he usually says it first, and better than I thought it.  I tell him to stop.

Opposites can attract, but you have to some similar interests and values.  Our personalities are quite different, but we both have an outrageous sense of humor, love movies and music, and appreciate good food.  We don’t always want to watch the same movies, or eat the same kind of food, but we try to be flexible.

We’re not perfect.  Noooooooooooooo….  I wish he would not be so distracted and he wishes I would relax a little.  Ok, a lot.

He reacts to emotional moments in movies.  I’m dead inside when it comes to that, but I cry easily at real life…

“You are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky, without you, I dwell in darkness…” Are you puking yet? Don’t worry, our relationship is NOT like that.

I wish football would go on strike.  He wishes it was year round.

We both think chocolate is one of the food groups.

He thinks pain is weakness leaving the body, I am a complete and total wuss.  Once he had to hold me down and pull a giant splinter out of me because I was too weenieish to take it out myself.

I guess I’m still a romantic at heart. I love watching these two in the Iron Man movies. It works for them, probably because these two people are so full of themselves in real life…

So Happy Anniversary to my husband.  I hope he keeps me around for another one.

“All you need is love.  But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” -Charles M Schulz