Call Toll Free, Operators Are Standing By

Those who know me know very well that I’m a big fan of When Crazy Meets ExhaustionShe’s one of my blogging idols.  I’m especially fond of her Oversharing series, because we all know how little that I overshare…  The most recently documented embarrassing situation here was by another one of my favorite bloggers, Dani Ryan from Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine.  Without giving too much away, there was a phone call made to the toll free number on the the back of the tampon box.

firecracker tamponThat got the idea diarrhea going full force.  First I wondered this:  How does one get a job as a “tampon support person”? Obviously there is a need for such a position!  But just the thought…  How do they do that?  Is there an ad in the paper?  Do they just outright advertise for the position, or is it one of those “secret” jobs that they don’t actually indicate what it’s for?

Help Wanted:  Tampax Customer Service
Description:  We are looking for an person with knowledge and enthusiasm about menses!  Do you love tampons?  Do you approach periods with perkiness? Do you like vaginas?  Then you need to apply with us!  Come work in our period friendly environment.  One of our perks is that our operators work only seven days a month!
Minimum qualifications:  Must know what a tampon is and where it goes.
Preferred qualifications:  Bachelor’s degree.  Working knowledge of the vagina a plus.  Experience in search and retrieval helpful.

Then I wondered about the possible hierarchy of the organization.  Was tampon support something that people work up to?  Do they start out in pantiliners?  If you are in the Overnight Maxipad department have you hit the padded ceiling (which would be like a glass ceiling, but a little different)?

After all of these thoughts were done invading my mind, I started looking at the backs of all the products that we have.  Sure enough, almost every one of them has some sort of toll free number that you can call.  The thought of this rendered me incapable of doing pretty much anything the rest of the night, mainly because the conversations that could be happening on some of these hotlines.  Oh.My.Gawd.

Toothpaste Support

You can call the number on the back of your toothpaste.  I’m actually surprised that my kids haven’t done this, because toothpaste seems to be somewhat of a challenging thing in my house.  It’s all related to the squeezing.  Even if they can get it out, there’s a permanent giant toothpaste glob stuck on the end that all of the other toothpaste that has yet to come out either has to go around or through.  Beautiful toothpaste art.  It makes me think that maybe there is an online tutorial for squeezing your toothpaste.

Worst-JobToilet Paper Hotline

On the same token as the tampons, there is also a toll free number that you can dial if you’re having trouble with your toilet paper.  I imagine not only is this a shitty job, I doubt that many people call with positive things to say.  Really, who is going to call and say “I wanted someone to know that this is the best my butt has felt in YEARS!”

It’s probably more like people calling to say things like “DAMN your toilet paper sucks!  I used sand paper yesterday and I couldn’t tell the difference..”

Or “I don’t understand this whole wiping thing.  Is there some kind of step by step process you can walk me through?”

Beer Assistance

On the back of Budweiser products there is 1-800-DIAL-BUD.  This I find extremely funny, and I’m not surprised that I know this because I’ve spent a reasonable amount of time reading the backs of alcohol bottles, especially the warnings, aloud to other people because I’m weird like that.  Somehow I think that people that choose to utilize this would not do it in the manner for which it was intended.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuude.  I can’t open my beer!  Help!”

“I dunno what to do, man.  My friend is passed out behind the toilet.  Yeah, BEHIND it!”

(True story. I wasn’t there, but according to my husband this is totally true.)

And for the record, there is no helpline on the back of underwear.  So if you can’t get your underwear on, you’re just screwed.  No help for you!

Just so you understand my case here, these are not necessarily original thoughts.  While all thoughts used in this article are my own, Ellen Degeneres did her own take on this stuff.  Because I love her and someday hope that she and I’ll get to hang out, I’m going to share it here:

Have you ever called a product support line? Is there something that you saw the number on the back of and it the possible scenarios made your life more interesting?  Please share with me-I’d love to hear it!

Toothpaste and Poop: The New Art Media

The easel helped a lot with the “surprise art” I would find around the house. It obviously hasn’t stopped completely. This was so sweet-she was absolved of all wrong doing that day, for at least a few minutes.

As I sat upon the throne in the bathroom today, I noticed that someone had put toothpaste on the full length mirror.  This isn’t unusual to find toothpaste on a surface in our bathroom.  There have been times when I have walked in to find EVERY surface of the bathroom covered in toothpaste-mirror, walls, bathtub, toilet, counters, floor.  Toothpaste as far as the eye can see.  I don’t know why they do it.  They just would rather wipe excess toothpaste anywhere but a towel.

What was different today was the toothpaste was not only covering the mirror, it had been used to draw a picture.  I knew who did it.  Princess Artiste was so busted!  I asked her about it, and she owned up to it.  Though it’s easy to tell-if it’s a mess with an artistic flair there is no doubt who was the culprit. We’ve known for a long time who the artist in the family is.   I sent her up to clean it up.  Then I called The Professor in to go up and clean up his toothpaste mess.  His was the blobby mess that had no artsy look to it, on and next to his drawer in the bathroom.  There might have been some sort of mathematical coefficient involved, but we won’t get into that.  I just threw that in here in case my husband actually reads this.

He has also confessed that he hangs out in the bathroom sometimes and “drinks the toothpaste” (my son, not my husband).  He’s a weird kid.

As a parent you deal with your share of messes, especially when you are ADD and it takes you a while to realize that “Oh, that’s not good, I should probably clean that up.”  And then forget for another few days.  It all depends on where the mess is, what it is, and sometimes it takes awhile to be discovered.  Like the abstract poop picture on the back of the shower room door (It was down very low).  Once that one was discovered after who knows how long, it was cleaned up quickly (this happened during the fun fun period where they are potty trained peeing but not yet pooping).  We’ve also had lovely artwork done on the table with pasta sauce, milk, frosting, glue, etc.  The hardened cheerios decoupage is my favorite, and it’s virtually indestructable.  Once those Cheerios revert back to their solid form after being soggy in milk they could very well be used as armor, except for the fact that you’d have holes in it.  Maybe it lets the surface breathe?

And there is the traditional media of pen and marker, which has found itself upon many surfaces in our house, including both my children’s bodies.  The Professor has always had a hard time keeping markers off of himself accidentally, his sister just decorates herself on purpose.  When Princess Artiste was pretty little she somehow got a hold of some of my scrapbook paper and a pen, and went crazy with drawing on it.  I was livid.  My mother insisted I keep it and use it to make a scrapbook page.  I did, and it actually turned out to be one of my more creative pages.  It helped that if you looked at her “drawing” just right, it looked like a face sticking its tongue out at me.

Oh yes, and we must not forget that she painted the dog. I’m really regretting the fact that I didn’t grab the camera on that one.  As far as most of the other messes, I don’t have evidence of them either since I didn’t see the artistic value in those, especially the poop one.  I did, however, take pictures of my daughter when she helped paint the hallway white.  SHE was also white, from her head to her toes.

In addition to the above, we have had lots of experience with anything that cuts.  Both kids have managed to cut things they should not.  The Professor attempted to decimate a scrapbook page of mine that was already in the scrapbook when he was pretty little.  Ironically, his cutting skills haven’t much improved since then.  Princess Artiste has got a hold of not only scissors, but my scrapbook paper cutter which she used to cut up her brother’s class picture.  She’s in support of the movement for smaller classes, apparently.

The Professor just isn’t big on art, unless it has a purpose.  If he has drawn something it is something that he has designed, like a car or a superhero suit.  I have a lot of their art framed in the hallway upstairs, and had to beg him to draw me something so that his sister’s artwork wouldn’t totally take over the space.  He finally did, in his own way.  He drew our house, and the school bus he rides every day.  He refused to color it in.  There it hangs among the other artwork-it is definitely one of his pictures.  Princess Artiste draws/paints/colors pictures for me every day.  At one point our refrigerator was so covered with her artwork it was hard to tell there was an appliance in there.  I didn’t put them there, she would dash to the kitchen as soon as she would complete a picture and put it on there.  She was very put out with me when we ran out of magnets!

Kids are funny.  Just when I think they are out of the coloring on the walls phase, or the cutting things they shouldn’t cut phase, they do something that totally paints me as a liar.  I’m happy that my daughter likes to do art, and that my son likes to design stuff (and with all of the art that she comes up with, it’s probably a good thing he’s not a prolific artist!)  When they do things they shouldn’t, I have to sit back and laugh after I’ve taken time to dole out the punishment.  And be thankful that I have creative kids-except for the poop.  Poop and creativity simply do not mix.

Here is another non-poop picture drawn of me by Princess Artiste. I’m not sure what is coming out of my armpit…