Theme Thursday: I Could So Be An Inventor

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is a once a week opportunity to observe the writing rituals of bloggers.  Hosted by the lovely Jen of Something Clever 2.0, each week has a different theme to write about.  This week’s theme is Useful Inventions.

(This post was published previously last August.)

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should be an inventor.  Maybe I should have added that to my list of potential jobs.  I’d make very ADD friendly inventions.  Why else would I want to invent something?  It probably wouldn’t be in my best interest-I’d probably lose the patents.

Here are some of my ideas to make my life easier:

1)  Automatic Lunchbox-  It remembers to pack itself.  It makes sure you have all the components for a healthy lunch.  Best of all, it chases you down if you try to leave the house without it.

2)  Snooze Button That Fights Back– It shocks…

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More Inventions I Could Really Use

Great Scott!  We’re talking about inventions again!  Now that I think about it, I guess I could use a time machine too…

New followers-you have missed the insanity that really got this little blog out of the hangar and on to the runway.  I Could So Be An Inventor was a hit with people who know me, anyway.  Lucky you, I’ve been saving more of them up.  Here’s Part Deux.  These aren’t as good as the original set, but I certainly think I could use some of these!

1)  Food expiration alarm-How many times have I bought a bag of spinach with lofty goals of eating salad and putting spinach on various sandwiches, only to forget the dang thing in the back of the crisper drawer (or the hole that used to be the crisper drawer in my fridge)?  Such a waste of money.  If there was an alarm that would sound a certain amount of time before food expired, it might encourage more people to use vegetables and leftovers BEFORE they expire.  You know, saving money and stuff.  In my house it would have to be a pretty shrill alarm.

2)  Appliance Resuscitation Device or ARD–  Your major appliance bit the dust?  There may still be hope.  You’ve heard of an AED?  This is the version for appliances:  a set of two paddles that you can attach and try to jolt it back to life.  I could really use this right now on my dishwasher and garbage disposal!

Looks like this appliance could use an ARD. It’s fallen and it can’t get up.

3)  Dead Rodent Detection Device-I believe I mentioned that we needed on of these in Living With An Evil Genius (Or Two).  He hasn’t delivered.  It would work much like a metal detector.  Then once the dead body is located, it is incinerated by fancy technology that I can’t even begin to comprehend.  This is because I REALLY don’t need any more holes in my walls.

4)  Real Life Censor-This will take the frustration out of those naughty words that you accidentally mutter. It syncs into your brain waves and senses when you are about to cuss, and then bleeps you out.  In some households I would be afraid of it getting overloaded…  You can upgrade to the Austin Powers Model that covers up anything indecent by projecting an image of something else over it.  Both models only work when children and elderly grandparents are in the room.

Having a real life censor for some people would be like being R2D2. Bleep.

5)  Brain Upgrade– Works much like the memory on computers.  Plugs into your ear when you need more memory.  I need about ten of these.

I just wanted an excuse to use this picture! I doubt it would look like that. Maybe more like a unicorn horn? Nah, that would just be silly. You don’t WANT people to know you have a brain upgrade, right?

6)  Fat Cloaking Device– Not your ordinary cloaking device, but what is?  Feeling fat today?  Turn this one and you are one slender hot mama.  No discomfort necessary.  Just as useful as the Mess Cloaking Device, ‘cept better.

7)  Political Ad Replacer– Too late for this year, but could prove quite useful in the future.  Detects whenever there is a political ad on your TV.  Plays footage of animals doing funny things, because who doesn’t like cute animals being funny (and who actually likes political ads)?  Can also be used to zap political mailings into pictures of Blake Shelton.  You’re welcome.  I could really like politics if that were the case.

No Politics here. Just Blake Shelton.

8)  Chocolate Powder-This isn’t your grandmother’s cocoa!  Sprinkle it on any food and it will taste just like chocolate.  It doesn’t add calories.  Hate broccoli?  Now it tastes like chocolate pudding.  Despise liver?  Now it’s chocolate cake.  Doesn’t work on fruitcake.  Nothing can alter fruitcake.

9)  Useful Information Filter-This is exclusively for ADD folks only.  This special filter attaches to your brain and screens out the crap you usually retain and keeps the important stuff in the right place.  Don’t worry, you’ll still remember all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody”, but can also remember when to pay your water bill.  Comes as a bonus item when you order the brain upgrade.

Don’t worry, it really wouldn’t look like this. I’m just messing with ya.

10)  Idea Enhancer-Takes those great ideas that you always get that usually go nowhere and helps bring them to fruition.  If your enhanced idea lasts more than four hours, contact your physician.

11)  Child Tractor Beam-Tired of your toddler trying to get away?  Kindergartener won’t come out of his room when you call?  Can’t get your ten year old to come home from his friend’s house?  Turn on this handy dandy tractor beam and they’ll be right there in a jiffy.  Not the same as the toilet tractor beam, thank goodness!

And last but not least-

12) Nakedness Alarm Disarming System-New in January 2013, this remote provides all controls to disarm the Mom Nakedness Alarm.  Simply plug in the code, and you can pee/get dressed/take a bath/poop/etc in peace without a child needing you to “Make the Bop-It listen” or any other nonsensical thing kids need the moment they know you are naked.  This is because they won’t know…

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’m sure I’ll have more.  Who can finish off a blog post about inventions without a Tony Stark reference… I can’t.

Oh come on, you know we all could use one. I’m talking about the GLOVE LIGHT people!

I Could So Be An Inventor

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is a once a week opportunity to observe the writing rituals of bloggers.  Hosted by the lovely Jen of Something Clever 2.0, each week has a different theme to write about.  This week’s theme is Useful Inventions.

(This post was published previously last August.)

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should be an inventor.  Maybe I should have added that to my list of potential jobs.  I’d make very ADD friendly inventions.  Why else would I want to invent something?  It probably wouldn’t be in my best interest-I’d probably lose the patents.

It's ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

It’s ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

Here are some of my ideas to make my life easier:

1)  Automatic Lunchbox-  It remembers to pack itself.  It makes sure you have all the components for a healthy lunch.  Best of all, it chases you down if you try to leave the house without it.

2)  Snooze Button That Fights Back– It shocks the unfortunate person who tries to turn it off, until they get up.  This is totally unrelated to the Alarm Clock Force Field-which prevents the spouse from hearing the other person’s alarm go off 15 times before they get up.

3)  Self-Cleaning Children-  Also available as an upgrade to the current version of children you have.  Only for children with Windows.

4)  Answer Me App- This downloadable app will cause your phone to come find you when someone is calling/texting and your phone is on silent/dead/in your car/lying in the yard.  Has a special version for when it’s your spouse-it can be programmed to smack your significant other in the head.

5)  Lost Item Replicator– Looked everywhere?  Called everywhere?  Simply replicate your lost keys/sunglasses/underwear.  Does not work on lost children.

Wrong type of replicator-will not make tea. Especially Earl Grey, hot.

6)  Meal Generator-Using the ability to tap into the brainwaves of all family members, this will not only be able to tell what everyone had for lunch and icraving for supper, it also uses a complex formula to figure out how to combine it all into one meal that everyone will enjoy.

7)  Lie Detector- This is different from the traditional polygraph machine.  It actually causes pants to burst into flames.  Can be downloaded to unsuspecting pants-wearers.  Not compatible with flame retardant material.

8)  Mood Advisory System–  Color coded system that warns what the spouse’s/child’s/coworker’s mood is ahead of time.  Three levels:  Green-good, Yellow-proceed with caution, Red-Get the Hell Away!  Also available with flashing lights and loud alarms.

9) Mess Cloaking Device–  For when you don’t have a door to close.  Excellent for sinks full of dishes.

10)  Grocery Reminder App– Downloadable to your phone, this app will keep track of what you need and start screaming at you when you come up to the checkout about all the crap you forgot.  Also gets angry with you for getting stuff you DON’T need.  Comes in two voices- Wolowitz’s Mom and The Joker from the Dark Knight movies.

Be a dear, and don’t steal my ideas, k?  If you’re planning on doing so anyway, better wear fireproof pants!

Not quite like that…

Be sure to check out what other bloggers would like to invent by clicking HERE.  It’s what all the cool kids do…

HereHere document – A here document (also called a here-document, a heredoc, a hereis, a here-string or a here-script) is a way of specifying a string literal in command line shells in…