Ruined

Have you ever had an experience so bad that you feel like it’s completely ruined you?

That’s how I feel right now-ruined.

For those of you who don’t know me, I pretty much stopped blogging when I got a job.  At the same time, my daughter was starting kindergarten.

It started out swell but after a few years some things happened.  The Professor’s spinal tumors, surgery, rehabilitation, and radiation treatments.  The princess’s brain tumor.  And it was just never the same.  My part time job had deteriorated to the point that I was fighting for every hour I worked, was only working when my children were out of school (no family time), and I was being made to feel like I wasn’t part of their little social group.

I finally left after 6 and a half years.  I barely got a good-bye.  As a matter of fact when I turned in my resignation I barely got a response.  It was all so strange and surreal.  I felt very disposable and I’m not sure they even care that I’m gone.

A lot of what was being done to me I have no idea if it was really being done on purpose.  A lot of it was just lots and lots of gossip.  No positive feedback.  And very poor communication.  The work place was highly toxic.  And it has affected me greatly.

Now that I’m back in the world trying to move on I’m having a hard time with it.  The negativity in my head is paralyzing.  Every time I look at a job description I panic.  I feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to be good enough to do it.  I’m trying to get back into writing, but freelancing for money.  I joined many writer’s groups but again I feel overwhelmed with everything.

I want mom hours… I have a handicapped kid who needs to get places.  I have an 11 year old who tends to be pushed to the wayside a lot because of my schedule.  This is important to me.  But I feel like I’m appearing lazy because I need to take care of my kids.  This time last year I thought my 11 year old might not live to see another year or two because of the tumor. Thankfully that situation has been downgraded.  But we really don’t know what’s going to happen.  Things could change.  When my son was having surgery and rehabilitation I tried my best to work everything around my schedule, but ultimately I should have been there for him, not at work.

I’ve always been one who’s not afraid to work hard.  I used to work full time and then after the first job would go to my second job.  But at the moment I’m not sure I really want to do anything.  Just work on my house and maybe find some projects here and there that I can write for money.  Have I changed? Am I lazy?

We need money.  Period.  But at the moment we deferred some students loans and we have some in collection that we haven’t figured out, and we’re doing ok.  There’s nothing extra, but that’s the way it was even when I was working.  I was getting so few hours.

I suppose I need to talk to my therapist.  I need to work through this.  I need to get to the point where I’m feeling comfortable with myself again.  At the moment I feel like I have no skills and nothing to contribute to anyone.

I feel like I’m at a critical point in my life.  I don’t really know what I want to do. I don’t have a burning desire to do much of anything.  I know I want to write, but can I do it consistently?  I want to edit, but can I find a job doing that?  I DO know I want consistent income and stability, but I’m not sure how I can achieve that.

My only job offers have been at the local gas station, and a mention of an editor job that as of yet has not materialized.  I mean I applied at Menards… because it has mom hours.  I heard nothing.  Do I want to work at Menards as a career?  Oh no-but it pays decently and I could still be there for my kids.  I’ve had leads about a bank job, but it wouldn’t allow me to take my son to physical therapy each week.

So I just don’t know.

HAve you ever felt ruined?  Have you ever been in this situation?  What steps did you take to help yourself out?  Did anything good come out of it?

Right now I am desperate for anything that might help me get out of this funk, so please regale me with some of your successes.