Is Anyone Listening???

ear horn

I’d like to order one of these for every member of my family please.

Can you hear me now? How bout now?  Now?  Hello?  Does anyone hear me?????

Ranty McRanterson is back for a few minutes…

I had a little breakdown the other day and spent part of the morning sitting on the back porch, folding laundry with tears running down my face.  Despite the fact that I’m not allowed in the bathroom by myself, I’m wondering if anyone knows I’m here.This is because no one seems to hear any of the words coming out of my mouth.

For example, I am trying really really really hard to keep my house semi clean.  This as in acceptably clean in case someone comes over, not as clean as an eighteen wheeler.  I realize that part of my duties as a housewife is to clean the house on a regular basis, not just sit around and drink diet pop and play on the internet as many people think I do.  I have two children, a husband, a dog, and a cat.  This can prove difficult.  I don’t have unrealistic expectations, as proven by my children’s rooms that you must have all shots up to date before you enter.   All that I ask is that IF YOU GET SOMETHING OUT PUT IT AWAY.

The Princess enters the room with a container of legos.
I tell her “Be sure that you put those back when you’re done.”
Three minutes later she has an art project spread all over the place.
“I thought I told you to pick up those legos!”
The Princess: “I’m not done playing with them yet.”
“You’re not playing with them if you’re doing art.”
“But I’m making a picture for yooooooou!”
“You need to pick them up when you’re done playing with them.”
By the evening, we’re knee deep in everything she owns.

Me to The Professor:  “What do you want for breakfast?”
Professor:  *Stares at the tv*
I repeat this question multiple times before I finally give up.
The Professor:  “Aren’t you going to get me breakfast?”
I simply get him something for breakfast.
The Professor:  “I didn’t want that.”
Keep in mind that they may or may not actually be something on the screen…

Both kids are extremely distracted when it comes to things like opening a door.  Our dog has escaped more times than I can count this month.  Most of the time this is due to a child opening a door, and then just standing there.  I’m sure he or she is pondering the meaning of life.  “I open the door, therefore I am?”  Repeated reminders to close the door go unheard.  The Professor will even walk in the house after school and be asked sixteen times to please close the door behind him.  This often necessitates me physically going over to him, spinning him around, and asking him what he has forgotten to do.  Even then, it takes a few minutes and me telling him for the seventeenth time to CLOSE THE DOOR.

Not_ListeningEven my husband seems to have fallen victim to this.  I know that he has been around me for going on fifteen years and has perfected the art of ignoring me.  But often he just plain isn’t listening or even hearing me.

Part of it is The Sims.  Have you ever played The Sims?  It’s a video game where you create people and tell them what to do.  He doesn’t get why I don’t play.  Um, because I’ve already created people and am trying to tell them what to do?  Why make myself doubly frustrated by having two sets of people that don’t listen to me?  He likes it, and playing helps him relax and try to get his mind off of working (because he’s always thinking, ALWAYS!).  But I don’t really get it…

When he’s got the headphones in, and his Sims aren’t listening (because often they don’t and do things like running through a sprinkler in the dead of winter), he sure as heck isn’t listening to what I’m saying either.  Or answering questions that I’m asking.  He misses important things like “Are you out of shampoo?” “Supper is ready.” “I’m running off with Elliot Sadler.”

*Disclaimer:  I’ve never actually threatened to run off with Elliot Sadler.  He’s married and so am I.  But today is his birthday and he’s the first good looking famous guy that came to mind…

Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t do it on purpose.  And he still interacts with me, there are some times where I just don’t think he’s listening.

Me:  “I’d love to go insert random activity here!”
Evil Genius:  “Why don’t you put Avengers in the blu-ray player.  I don’t think I have the movie completely memorized.”

Disclaimer:  I’ve never actually heard him say he’s trying to memorize the Avengers.  He has watched it about 400 times, and I’ve watched it right along with him.

People, moms and wives are people too.  We like to be heard, listened to, and occasionally acknowledged.  Do you fall victim to not hearing/not listening/not caring from the little or big people in your house?  Do you run from the house screaming, sit and cry, or go do some retail therapy?  I’m ready for a night out and/or some retail therapy.  Anyone want to treat me?

Disclaimer:  I love my family to pieces.  I wouldn’t trade them for all the chocolate in the world.  I do get frustrated though and therefore vent by joking about it… so nobody take offense, okay?  Yeah, I worry too much…

Before you dash out, run over to Jen Kehl’s blog and check out Twisted Mixtape Tuesday where she finds some great music to stalk people by.  That’s right…

mixtapes

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The Eyes Have It: The Professor and The Eye Doctor

The Professor's "good" glasses, or what's left of them.

The Professor’s “good” glasses, or what’s left of them.

Recently I was looking at some pictures that my Facebook friends had posted and came across pictures of my cousin’s kids in their brand new glasses.  I turned to The Professor to tell him to come take a look at his cousin’s new glasses.  As I started to open my mouth, I realized that his glasses WERE NOT ON HIS FACE.

“Where are your glasses?” I asked.

“Oh, I must have left them lying in the yard!”  He ran outside to get them.

Why am I not surprised at this?  Four pairs of glasses in two years.  Countless trips to get them fixed.  The expensive pair, snapped in half.  Unrepairable and out of warranty.  The crappy pair, the earpieces superglued and held together with two plastic sleeves, are the ones he has been wearing for the last couple of months.

The original pair of glasses, the ones that broke seventeen times in two months. The ones that are cobbled together that he is wearing now...

The original pair of glasses, the ones that broke seventeen times in two months. The ones that are cobbled together that he is wearing now…

...And the really expensive second pair that were supposedly indestructible.  Guess what, we found out time and time again that they weren't.

…And the really expensive second pair that were supposedly indestructible. Guess what?  We found out time and time again that they weren’t.  Refer to the picture at the top…

This past week we had to take him in for his biannual eye exam.  The minute I announced that he had an appointment coming up he panicked. He was afraid they were going to dilate his eyes.  Just like any time he has a well child checkup-he panics because he’s afraid he might get a shot.  Oh poor kid, he gets it honest.

After this appointment was over I’m convinced that this must be what it’s like to take Sheldon Cooper to the eye doctor, except that my son doesn’t have his degree in Quantum Physics yet.

The second the nurse called him back, he started chattering,proceeding to ask 10,000 questions.  He wanted to know the scientific basis behind every piece of equipment in there. “What’s that called?  What does that do?  How does that work?”  The nurse was a pro, answering his questions all the while keeping her cool, because I’m sure it had to get annoying after a while.

After the nurse left,  he asked for me to get him down the book about the human eye from up on the shelf above the counter. For some reason he loves reading this every time we come so he can learn about eye disorders.  My kid wondering about disorders, imagine that (at least he’s not googling them!  First he asked about cataracts.  He thought he might have them.  Then he saw the page about diabetic retinopathy.  He thought perhaps he had a little of that too.

“No, no.  You don’t have any of those.”  I reassured him.  He handed over the book, not convinced at all.

“So what’s wrong with my eyes?  Why do I have to wear glasses?”

He has had them for this long and he’s just now asking?

“Well, you have two eyes and one of them is stronger than the other.  You have to wear glasses to strengthen your weaker eye.”

“I’d like to read more about that.”  He replied.  He wasn’t buying this.  I was pretty sure at this point that he thinks that we made up the whole glasses thing as another terrible thing that we make him do.  Like shopping at Target.  Terrible, just terrible.

glasses catThen I remembered that when they initially diagnosed him they gave us a pamphlet.  Maybe they still had one.  I went to the pamphlets and found it, the one about strabismus and amblyopia.  “Here, this is information about what you have.”

He grabbed it and read it in complete silence.  Finally after several minutes he says “So which one do I have, the strabismus or the amblyopia?”

“For sure you have the amblyopia.  We’re a little concerned about your left eye not lining up with your right one.”

“What do you MEAN, LINING UP?”  His eyes almost bugged out of his head.

“You know, we can ask the eye doctor when she comes in.”

He’s always had the weak eye, but a few weeks ago I was taking a picture of him and he turned his head, and his left eye moved and kept moving, out of line with the right one.  It was freaky.

I thought I was imagining things, so then I spent the next few days staring at his eyes.  I’m sure he wondered why I kept staring at him.  Something was definitely up there, I even had Evil Genius stare at him.  He confirmed that yes I was indeed seeing his eye move.  That’s when I decided we’d better make an appointment regardless of whether insurance would cover it.  Apparently our new insurance will only cover an appointment once a year unless “medically necessary”.  He has to go twice a year due to his eye issues.

No offense to our eye doctor, but she is not nearly this cute.

No offense to our eye doctor, but she is not nearly this cute.

When the eye doctor came in, the questions resumed.  He even thought that he should inform the doctor how she should do her job.

“How about this eye?  Do this one first.  You should really do this one first.”

The eye doctor replied “You know, I’m the one who went to medical school and am the one with the medical degree.  Why don’t you let ME choose which one I do first.”

We got to the end of the exam and he announced to the eye doctor “My tendons are detaching from my eyeballs and you need to check them out.”

She looked at me, probably wondering what the hell we tell our kid.  “Um, we don’t KNOW any of that, you just read it.”  I was waiting for him to announce he also had cataracts and diabetic retinopathy.  I was also about ready to climb in the drawer I was sitting next to.

I filled her in on what had been happening with his eye (mainly because I hadn’t been able to get a word in edgewise since she came in.)  She looked him all over and of course couldn’t see what I was talking about.  I’m sure she was thinking what a crazy mom this crazy kid had.

Then we were sent on our way, each child with a windup hopping eyeball.  I’m sure that they were relieved to see us go.  On the way out I made sure that he went and told the ladies in the glasses department how grateful he was that they have fixed his glasses all those times.  I’m sure that they are getting REALLY sick of seeing me bringing them mangled glasses.  The good news on this front is that in January the doctor says he probably won’t need glasses anymore!

The eye has it.

The eye has it.

Doggone Weekly Wrap-Up

IMG_1658

I’m calling this the “Doggone Weekly Wrap-Up” because my dog has been gone this week more than he has been here.  He bolts every chance he gets, and he WILL NOT come to us until he is wet, miserable, and hungry.  He got out so much that on Thursday he had to hang out overnight in the puppy clinker.  When I went to retrieve him, I put the words “Bail for the Escape Artist” on the check.  Hopefully he’ll figure it out that it’s not cool to run away all the time from the place where he has shelter, food, and lots of love.  Yeah, right, I won’t hold my breath.

But I digress…other stuff happened this week too.

Monday EXTREME GREEN!  My efforts at trying to be more healthy…

Tuesday  This Mom’s Birthday List  I have a birthday coming up, so for fun I made a list.  This is one that’s a bit more realistic than my Christmas list was. At least I hope so.

I also dumped out my purse over on the Kelley’s Breakroom Facebook page.  It’s ok, I really needed to clean it out anyway!

whats in her bag

Wednesday Wordless Wednesday: Just Chillin’ (And A Link To My Guest Post)  I thought it would be fun to do both the picture as well as plug my guest post over at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion.  So I did.  Be sure to stick around and show some love to Stephanie’s blog when you’re done!

Thursday  Theme Thursday: Do-Overs  What would you do over if you had the chance?  My answers may or may not surprise people.  Complete with scenes from Star Trek IV, because I cover all the bases.

Friday  Help, HELP!  I’m Trapped At Target!  A tale for Finish the Sentence Friday for all to behold and laugh at my expense.

Cool Stuff That I Know About That I’m Not Sure That You Know About But Should And Favorite Stuff I Found This Week And This Is A Run On Sentence And I Don’t Care

Twisted Mixtape Tuesday-Here’s some fun every Tuesday that you can come over and put your two cents in.  Jen Kehl  spends some time each week making lists of songs according to whatever theme they have in mind.  This week’s list was breakup songs.  Who else breaks out into Paul Anka when they think of breaking up?

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion-Trouble Making Me-I was here this week guest blogging, and this is one of her posts that shows the awesomeness that is Stephanie.

Living on the Spectrum:The Connor Chronicles-POOP This has nothing to do with what you think it has to do with. It has everything to do with a real mom’s version of Gwyneth Paltrow’s website “GOOP”

vader no tp

Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

Withdrawal  Who’s withdrawing what??? 

Moose yodeling  A moose that can yodel?  Or people yodeling for mooses?  Here moosey moosey moose yoh-deh-lay-hee-hooooo.

Exercise machine won’t make eye contact Do you really want your exercise machine to stare at you?  That’s weird man.

I don’t get the funny waldo post  You should because it was freaking AWESOME!  Missed it last month?  Read Where’s Waldo?  Answer: Creepytown here.

Renaissance fair cleavage  I defer this one to Menopausal Mother.  Missed this post too?  What is wrong with you people?  Read Cleavage and Kilts here.

601346_562104687147000_1234162558_n

My lovely friend Marcia The Menopausal Mother at Renfest.

Next week

Our trip to the eye doctor, my review of I Just Want to Pee Alone (for reals this time, I promise!), a special birthday Wordless Wednesday, unusual parenting for Theme Thursday, and what I want on a desert island for FTSF (this is gonna be fun…)

Oh, and just one more thing…

I did this thing, y’all.  I’m terrible at self promotion and at asking for votes.  I submitted two of my posts to the BlogHer Voices of the Year.  If you’re a member of BlogHer and want to help little old me out, please follow the linky-dinks and vote for the posts.  I don’t know if it makes a difference, but it would be nice to be recognized!

Here are the links if you are interested in voting:

http://www.blogher.com/lessons-kids-life-short-play-naked

http://www.blogher.com/i-peed-my-pants-wal-mart-and-other-tales-mommy-incontinence

Have a great rest of your weekend and a FABULOUS week this next week!

How Antisocial kitty reacted to the dog running away (a reenactment of course).

How Antisocial kitty reacted to the dog running away (a reenactment of course).

Help, HELP! I’m Trapped at Target!

I am passionate about… shopping at Target.

A bad day shopping at Target is better than the best day NOT shopping at Target. Am I right?

In case you haven’t noticed, Target features quite predominantly in many of my posts. There was the dream where I lost my daughter when she ran into a Target.
Target figured predominantly in the post about my daughter’s petrified poop.
And who can’t write a post about misbehaving kids without sticking a Target reference in there…

Maybe this on our Target's door would make me NOT go in?  If only.

Maybe this on our Target’s door would make me NOT go in? If only.

I tell ya, it’s that famous hypnotic eye.  It does stuff to you.  Hypnotic eye?  If you read Parenting, Illustrated With Crappy Pictures, Amber Dusick penned (er, drew) it perfectly.  She surmises that bullseye is actually a big eye that hypnotizes you into buying all kinds of crap you really don’t need.  She is a genius-she is so right.  It’s either some sort of hypnotic eye or something they pipe into the store, like a nerve gas…

So my story today begins with a shopping trip.  This particular day I had come to town to get ingredients for a pudding cake.  If you’ve never had pudding cake, it may sound kind of weird.  Basically it’s a yellow cake with holes poked in it and then chocolate pudding poured over it.  Me not being a pudding person or a cake person, I wasn’t all that excited about it, though I was intrigued since I had never seen such a thing.  But The Princess was totally enthralled by the idea of making such a magical treat and off I went to get the ingredients.

As I stood in Fareway amongst the cake mixes, that’s when Target started calling to me.  I quickly moved to the pop aisle to check some prices.  I was trying to do the math on my pop because I’m addicted to Diet Sunkist Lemonade and must get it as cheap as possible.  I concluded that I could save a whole 50 cents if I drove over to Target-don’t mock me, it was the damn store calling me from clear across town.

targetI arrived at Target and was instantly lured in by it all.  I am incapable of just walking into Target, getting something, and getting out.  I have to see it all, lest I miss a great deal on something I can’t live without. It doesn’t help that the soda aisle is clear almost in the back of the store.  You have to go past everything just to get there.  There is something in that store that causes your mind to go blank.  You have to go perusing the end of every aisle trying to remember just what you went in there for.  15% off!  30% off!  And occasionally 50% and 70% off!  When Easter stuff was 90% off, I almost bought some of it just to say I got something for 90% off.

Apparently whatever it is that clouds your brain works a little too well.  What should have taken five minutes took 30 minutes.  I walked up to the front with my twelve pack of pop and paid the cashier, parked the cart and left to go out to the car.  This particular day I had brought my husband’s car.  His fancy schmancy Nissan doesn’t actually use keys.  It has buttons.  This is both good and bad.  Good because you never have to actually take the keys out of your pocket, and bad because you never have to actually take the keys out of your pocket.

I got in and realized that there were no keys in my pocket.  Which meant I had taken the keys OUT of my pocket at some point, even though I didn’t NEED the keys for anything because THE CAR STARTS WITH A BUTTON.  Step on the brake, push the button. As long as the keys are in the car it is supposed to start.

According to the car, there were no keys in it.  It did not start.  C-r-a-p.

Reality was starting to sink in.  I returned to the store and asked at the service desk. No keys.  I asked at the checkout.  They had not seen them either.  This meant that I had left my keys in the cart. I must be very weak, because I needed a cart for one item.

So I started looking through all of the carts.  I went around the outside and peeked into each cart.  Then I frantically starting pulling carts out.  No keys. Pretty soon this behavior attracted some attention-the guys in the red polos came over to help the crazy lady throwing around the carts.

After a few minutes of this with no avail I walked away and decided to call my husband.  He didn’t answer.  I texted him too.  No response.  Fabulous.

This was when I realized that I was TRAPPED IN TARGET.  This is like having PMS and being locked inside a Chocolaterie Stam.  It can only end very badly, with the Starbucks smells and the bargains, I could very well be in big trouble.

I had one thing working for me-sooner or later Evil Genius was going to realize that his wife had not returned with those ingredients.  Just to be sure, I messaged him on Facebook.  “Hey, check your phone!”  Then I tweeted…

keys target(For the record, Evil Genius doesn’t Twitter for religious reasons.  He thinks it’s stupid.)

The minutes dragged on.  The awesome employees at Target were busting their humps trying to help little old me.  One girl walked all through the store on the off chance that maybe I had laid my keys down to look at something.  Another girl called around to the other employees to keep their eyes open for them.  They finally gave me a choice-I could give them my number when the keys turned up, or they could try to make an announcement over the loudspeaker.  I chose to wait it out and give them my number since I was already dying of embarrassment (have YOU ever heard them use the intercom at Target?  Me neither).

Thankfully, by this time Evil Genius had finally answered my repeated phone calls, and was ready to drive the half hour to get me if need be.  We decided to wait twenty more minutes. Two minutes after I hung up with him one of the service desk girls came bringing them to me.  They were in a cart, taking another ride all around the store.  I snatched them and got the heck out of there.

lost keysI arrived home over an hour later than I had intended.  I had to share my experience on Facebook when I got home.  Man I was proud of myself! An extra hour in Target with nothing to do but wait and I survived without buying anything extra!

For the record, it was all worth the trip to town.  As you can see, the story had a happy ending.  She got to make her pudding cake…

Pudding cake diva

Pudding cake diva

This post was written as part of Finish The Sentence Friday.  Click the link and check out what other people are passionate about.  By the way I AM passionate about other things…

Theme Thursday: Do-Overs

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is an opportunity to mind meld with the most amazing people online.  Today’s topic is Do-Overs.  After you read my mind blowing post, please click on the link at the top to view other even more mind blowing posts about doing stuff over.

This post is a bit off from my usual clean fun.  I may pepper it with some colorful metaphors.  If you do not like colorful metaphors, then please please just do not read. 

What, do you ask, is a colorful metaphor?  Oh please allow me…

star trek metaphor

Colorful Metaphors, Star Trek Style:  You Tube Video Link Here

Yes, only I could work Star Trek into a post like that, because that’s how I roll.

*Ahem*

It’s tempting to write a bunch of baloney this evening as reality is starting to rear its ugly head here in the land of cornfields and wind turbines.  The sub job is over, and we’re quickly getting back to living paycheck to paycheck.  I’m spending waaaaaay more time than I should looking at job postings.  Gee, it’s the SAME jobs over and over.  How many more rejection letters can I receive from McFarland Clinic?  Is Iowa State ever even going to look at my resume before setting it aflame?  And part-time stuff in the evenings and weekends?  HA!  It’s positively abysmal.  I really hope that this writing thing takes off pretty soon, but I’m not holding my breath.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m very happy with how some things turned out.  I’m crazy about my husband and kids. While life hasn’t always dealt us the greatest hand we are pretty awesome, dammit.

But there are some things in my life that I just wish I could go back and DO OVER, mainly because they were STUPID.

The following is a list of “Do-Over” Opportunities.  Please note that these are different from Photo Opportunities…  Each scenario in itself would negate the other opportunities, because it would create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe!  Or something like that.

OH NO!  Not the fabric of time!

OH NO! Not the fabric of time!

Do-Over Opportunities

Do-Over Opportunity:  In high school you will be presented with many opportunities that for some reason or other, someone will try to talk you out of.  Do me a favor and do this over-ignore the naysayers and do what the hell you want to.  This could possibly lead to a more interesting life and fewer regrets.

Do-Over Opportunity:  That really super hot guy with the motorcycle, the really tall one with the blue eyes, the one you spent an entire semester staring at in math class, avoid at all costs.  Yes, do this over the right away.  When he walks up to you the following semester after chorus, WALK AWAY.  When he comes to your house, tell him to GO AWAY!  When he calls, hang up.  As a matter of fact, maybe do that with every guy that approaches you between the years of 1990-1997.  It will be so much better and so much less complicated.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When the Student Ambassadors at Lord Voldemort College approach you about majoring in Music Education, tell them thanks but no thanks, and then run and hide amongst the Elementary/Early Childhood majors. They’ll protect you.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you realize how much the department you’re in at Lord Voldemort College is not doing you any good, you’ll try to transfer your buns out of there.  They’ll call you in to threaten you with all kinds of bullshit.  Here’s when your do-over comes in.  DON’T BELIEVE THEM.  It’s all lies.  Transfer and get the “h” out.  Go to a different school and go on with your life.  It’s much better than having student loans the rest of your life that you can’t pay.

Do-Over Opportunity:  When you’re called into your boss’s office and handed a paper with the word “failure”on it seven times and told to either resign or be terminated, don’t retreat into anonyminity.  Fight.  Get a lawyer.  SUE THEIR ARSES!

But Wait, Hold the phone…

You know there is the stuff I did right too, like making some of the friends I did in high school and college.  Like holding out for the hot smart guy with the weird but awesome sense of humor who actually can hold a conversation with me and likes many of the same things I do.  Yes, the one who proposed to me on a playground and I said “Yes!”  And those two kids, they’re pretty neat too.  The blogging thing, while as of yet it hasn’t paid out anything other than self satisfaction and some great friends, I think I did well to stick it out with that as well.

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother.  She gets me...

This was put on my Facebook wall by Menopausal Mother. She gets me…

Don’t forget to go see what all the fuss is about-check out all the other Theme Thursday posts and all of the other awesomeness over at Something Clever 2.0

metaphors

I couldn’t resist one more thing about those damn colorful metaphors…YouTube Video Link Here.

 

Wordless Wednesday: Just Chillin (And A Link To My Guest Post)

Just chillin'...

Just chillin’…

Yesterday it was thirty eight degrees with a twenty one degree wind chill.  In late April.  This made me want to go through pictures of warmer times.  This particular picture is from an April three years ago.  Here is The Professor, just chillin’ in the hammock.

This isn’t all we have today I join my friend Stephanie over at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion.  I’m psyched to guest post for her, but a little nervous because I think she is the best thing since sliced bread!  I hope I don’t sully her good name.  Click the link below to come on over and read my wistful little piece about friends, family, and blogging.  And check out some of Stephanie’s fabulous and funny writing while you’re there!

It’s Okay, They Know Me Here

This Mom’s Birthday List

bday 20001_edited-1On May 1st I will turn the ripe old age of 39.  I know, don’t I look young for my age?

I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I believe I will go the extra mile and think really hard about what I want for my birthday.  I know it’s not about the gifts, but I’ve been extra good this year.  I have even kept my house clean for almost a week straight.  I am kind beyond belief, even when I want to strangle other people that I live with.  I bathe the dog.  I spend hours planning out and then executing my plan of attack for grocery shopping to maximize what we get for the money.  I make lunch AND coffee every morning for my husband.  I send him thoughtful messages.  Although I am not a fabulous cook, I don’t let my family starve.  Did I mention I have two children???

1) Permission To Be An Adult  A night out where we have a sitter and my husband is not on the verge of falling asleep, where there is a movie on that we actually WANT to see and enough funds to catch dinner somewhere beforehand (a place where we could make *gasp* reservations??  Do they DO that in Iowa?) Not having to rush home, and maybe even some grown up fun when we GET home.  Hmmmm…I don’t ask for much, do I?

2)  BOOKS.  Not just any books.  Books by my favorite people.

I told a huge lie.  I didn’t mean to.  I told Amber Dusick that I had just bought her book. Technically I had.  It was sitting in my cart on Amazon. I was GOING to buy it.  Twice.  I wanted the free bookplate, because she’s my hero. And I said ‘penis’ on her blog comments.  Therefore it was the least I could do, right?  But then real life intervened and decided that groceries and gasoline were more important than me getting to read her book.  Sigh… For those of you living under a rock, I’m talking about the Parenting, Illustrated With Crappy Pictures book.  I’d also take any of the books from the Life Well Blogged series, because I like to support other fellow bloggers!

3)  Complaint Free Shopping. A shopping day alone or with a willing companion (who is not four years old).  I’m no shop-a-holic.  I do, however, like to have time to actually browse in stores that don’t have a toy or a dollar section.

It’s fun to go to stores without an eight year old declaring that it is the worst day of his life because I made him put the DS down and get out of the car.  To leave the house just once without Evil Genius declaring “Let’s get this over with before I vomit!” To go eat at a place that doesn’t have fries or chicken nuggets on the menu.  To be able to try on clothes without a child licking the mirror.  To go to a scrapbook store without a time limit or a little one dismembering a whole rack of stickers.  To not have to scramble to get back home to make supper.  To go to any place that sells anything without a little voice begging “Can I have that, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease????”  (For the record, Evil Genius does that too-he still won’t forgive me for telling him he couldn’t have a Lego Death Star). To have a highly caffeinated beverage without someone pouting.

Evil Genius at the Lego Store at the Mall of America.  He dreams of a Lego Death Star.  His mean wife keeps telling him no.

Evil Genius at the Lego Store at the Mall of America. He dreams of a Lego Death Star. His mean wife keeps telling him no.

(Truth:  I love my family, but sometimes I just need a day away.)

4)  Recharge  A massage or something relaxing…HA HA HA!  I DID actually get a certificate for a massage once.  It was very, very nice.

For the record, my husband has informed me multiple times that he does NOT do subtle.  I have to flat out tell him or smack him.  So honey, here’s my list…  I want to see Iron Man 3 and Star Trek: Into Darkness, for when you take me out.  Maybe we can even hold hands in public or something.  Ooooooooooooooo…

I’d be happy with a bottle of wine and a nice homecooked dinner, but let’s pretend for a minute that I could have those other things I want, k?

Today I also dumped my purse out for Kelley’s Breakroom on her Facebook page.  My husband thought that was really weird, but I thought it was kind of fun!  So come over and check it out!  Tomorrow catch me over at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion, where I’ll be rambling about that special place where people understand me.  Also, don’t forget if you have a crazy question for Evil Genius, send it to me at thesadderbutwisergirlisme at gmail dot com with “Dear Dr Genius” in the subject line. 

EXTREME GREEN!

It's not necessarily easy being green.

It’s not necessarily easy being green.

In honor of Earth Day I thought I’d share a little about our efforts to be a little more healthy.

The other night I asked Evil Genius if his pants were sufficiently wrinkle free.

“HUH?”

“Well, I noticed that they looked kind of, well, creasy.  And do your clothes smell acceptable?”

Blank look.

Obviously he has no clue.  “I bought different detergent and fabric softener.”

“Oh.”  Apparently he didn’t notice nor did he care.

Not only did I buy different stuff, I bought the stuff I’ve always wanted to buy.  The kind that Evil Genius likes to refer to as that “All Natural Crap”.  That’s what he called my Method dish detergent.  I notice he didn’t make fun of the Norwex stuff, that’s because that stuff actually works.  Which reminds me, I still need to get me a Norwex dish rag.

The stuff was on sale.  I was weak (I was probably hungry).  And it smelled of lavender and blue eucalyptus.  That sounded so nice, like it was made by little koalas in a tree or something.

Smells sooooo good...

Smells sooooo good…

I’ve blogged on here in the past about my efforts to do things more naturally, and my whole laughable attempt at real food.  The real food thing went down the drain when I was working all the time.  I cringed and bought the cans of Pillsbury biscuits to eat with our soup.  Actually it was more at the thought of having to pop those cans open than it was of eating all that stuff that will probably kill us tomorrow.

It would be a lot more realistic doing that sort of eating if I would lay off the diet pop.  Coke Zero was my friend while I was working and I probably already have given myself spleen cancer or some other rare thing by drinking those giant mugs of it every day.

So the whole green thing not going so well until now.  My laundry smells really nice and other than it being more “creasy” I’m happy with it.

Over in the food department, I’ve been trying to avoid artificial colors and whatnot.  Especially when it comes to things like mac and cheese.  My kids are obsessed with the Kraft kind.  We haven’t been eating stuff in a box for years, except the occasional tuna helper and mac and cheese that Grandma brings us.  So of course when Target had a big sale on Annie’s Naturals we had to get some.  They have the best stuff!  So I went a little overboard.

She had to be in the picture.  Ham...

She had to be in the picture. What a ham…

What do you think?  Too much?

So now that I am a full time SAHM we’re eating better again.  And our clothes smell great-though I will insert my complaint here that after I bought that fabric softener every store within 100 miles of here has quit carrying it.  Just like my Crystal Light Pure.  Damn.  I settled on Method fabric softener this time.  Lavender and Lilac.  Happy face.

Although I’m having a devil of a time of keeping up on much of anything these days, there are some websites that I like to visit that are “green”.  A few of my favorite healthy/green sites:
Green Moms and Kids
100 Days of Real Food
My Whole Food Life
Savvy Homemade Living
Wellness Mama
Gaiam

I hope you have a happy Earth Day!  Go forth and be green and healthy!

happy earth day

 

Weekaramalamadingdong All Wrapped Up

wtf

My Week
This week got off to an awful start with the tragedy in Boston.  Monday did get better for my family later on in the evening, my sister had her baby.  Then Google told me I needed to hang out with Justin Timberlake, Hugh Jackman, Daniel Radcliffe, and Lady GaGa.  If they come read my blog, heck yeah I’ll add them to my circles!

Monday Better Late Than Never  My second post made its way to The Epistolarians.  They’re awful nice to me, you know?  I’ll be doing a lot more with those lovely ladies as time goes on…

Tuesday Are You Seriously Guest Posting Again?!  My rant on the state of the human race.  Or something like that.  This was over at my friend Lisa Newlin’s blog Ranting Seriously?!  She’s one smart, very funny lady, and I enjoy talking to her!

Wednesday  See Tuesday.  Post cancelled on account of late post the night before.  It’s all good, I didn’t have anything to say anyway.  It rained.

Thursday  Theme Thursday: What I Did Not Do On My Summer Vacation  Some people get to travel and do all kinds of awesome things on their summer vacation.  I am not one of those people.

Also, in a surprise development, my newly submitted post to Aiming Low was published sometime Thursday.  It’s all about knowing when you’re an ADD Mom.  If a friend hadn’t mentioned it, lil old ADD me would have never known it was there!  And that is NOT me in the shower.  Click here to read it: You Might Be An ADD Mom

Friday  April 2013 Fly on the Wall:  The Naked Cat Edition
Come and join the insanity.  Naked cat pictures not included.  Read the other contributions in the links at the bottom of the post while you’re at it!

Best and most disturbing search engine terms
Oscar the Grouch This in itself is not disturbing.  The fact that WordPress says that 33 people googled it and found my blog all on the same day is.

Homemade cards for random girls  So are you wanting to make cards and then pass them out on the street?

And just in case my husband is still wondering what I do on Twitter, here is the definitive proof.  We’re doing research, and lots of it.  This is a recent conversation I had with Sarah of Sarah’s Brand New Chapter, also a WordPress blog, on Twitter:

twitter funnyResearch, all in the name of science-er blogging.  And cakes with butts AND boobs.  Important stuff.

Next week
A review of famous toilets (including the one used on I Just Want To Pee Alone), a special post just for Earth Day, I write my birthday list, yet another guest post, discussing do-overs, and another Finish The Sentence Friday.  Sounds busy.  I should really get to work on all of that…

Remember Evil Genius?  He had a birthday this past week, and now that he is a year older he has thought that he would like to regularly impart this wisdom on poor unsuspecting people as a monthly feature.

Do you have a question for Evil Genius?  Send your questions to me at thesadderbutwisergirlisme at gmail dot com with the words
“Dear Dr. Genius” in the subject line.  The crazier the question the better.  And remember, I am not responsible for his answers and how much they offend you!

IMG_1205

He might wear the mask, but I doubt he’ll be drinking Skinny Girl while answering your questions.

Fly on the Wall April 2013: The Naked Cat Edition

fly

Welcome to a Fly on the Wall group post. Today 12 brave bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in, sit a spell, and buzz around my house:

The Professor:  “When I grow up, I want to work where my Dad works.”
Me:  “You want to be an engineer!  That’s great!”
The Princess:  “Me too!  I want to be THE WOMAN.”

Princess:  “Mommy when I grow up I want to be as old as you.”

Princess:  “Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up!”
Me:  “Really?”
Princess:  “Yes!  That way I can wear your hair things.”

I was telling Evil Genius all about the big fluffy orange kitty I saw on the way home.
Evil Genius:  “I still want a Maine Coon cat!”
Me: “Oh me too, they are just nice cats.”
The Professor:  “What’s a Maine Coon?  Is it one of those cats without hair?”
Evil Genius:  “No, that’s a Sphinx.”
The Professor:  “Oh that’s good.  I don’t want to see a naked cat.”

He doesn't want any naked cats in our house!

He doesn’t want any naked cats in our house!

The Princess is going through a phase where EVERYTHING little is cute.  I mean everything… animals, toys, chairs, etc.  She says it’s because since they are little they are babies and babies are cute.  Yesterday I heard her cooing in the kitchen.  “Ohhhhhh, that is sooooo cute!  Awwwwww.”
I thought maybe the cardinal we had been seeing was back in the yard.  “What’s cute?”
The Princess:  “The pepperoni minis!  They are sooooo little and adorable!”  She’s a weird kid.

Princess: “Is Daddy coming home soon?”
Me:  “He stopped by his boss’s house.  He’ll be home later.”
Princess:  “Is Daddy going to a sleepover?”

Me:  “We have a winter storm watch starting tomorrow with a 90 percent chance of precipitation.  The one that didn’t do much had 100 percent chance of participation.”
Evil Genius:  “Precipitation, not participation.”
Me:  “Well it did participate, it just didn’t precipitate much.”

The kids are watching Paranorman.  The Princess suddenly turns to Evil Genius and asks, “Daddy, are we allowed to laugh?”

I’m informed by Evil Genius as I walk into the room that the kids told him he had to go get a dead rat downstairs in the basement.  I freak out for a second, then I ask “Is it really a rat?”
Evil Genius:  “I don’t know.  They said it was between this big (puts his hands about an inch apart) or this big (spreads his hands several feet apart.)”
Thank goodness it was just a mouse.

Basketball championship season:
The best game we ever watched?  The one where one of the main team players had the last name “Aenema”, pronounced like enema.  The comments made in our household were priceless:
“How ironic is it that guy is blocking!”
“He really cleaned out the competition!”
“I bet everything comes out ok in this game!”

I heard them announce the teams playing-I got all excited that one of them was called the “Warlocks”.  My husband told me that they were actually the “Warhawks”.  I was very sad.

Daddy and The Princess choose their NCAA Brackets.

Daddy and The Princess choose their NCAA Brackets.

Apparently, cannibalism is practiced in the land of Hello Kitties:  One day as I brought the laundry upstairs to the Princess’s room, she told me she wanted to show me all of her Hello Kitties.  She introduced them all to me-there was the Mommy, the Daddy, brothers, sisters, etc.
And what were they eating?  A Hello Kitty head.

Conversation at dinner over Safari Animal Chicken Nuggets:
The Princess: (eats a giraffe) “I ate his brain!”
The Professor: No you didn’t eat his brain, you ate his head!”
The Princess: “Now he’s howling at you.”
The Professor: “Noooooo, he can’t howl at me because you ate his brain. If you ate his brain he can’t function. He’s brain dead.”
Ah, the dreamer versus the logical…

Princess:  Mommy, Mommy, look what I did!
Me:  Just a minute, I need to find some ibuprofen.
Princess:  What do you need IBooPumpkin for?

The Princess:  “Mommy, your legs look like a carseat!”

Surprisingly, both kids sat through “The Hobbit”.  The Princess made it through about 3/4 of the movie, The Professor made it through the whole thing.
The Princess:  “That guy has a sword.”
ME:  “Yup.”
The Princess: “I’m thinking he’s either going to use it to fight some bad guys or cut up his food.”

She said she was a rainbow, making sure I knew that even her underwear was rainbow colored.

She said she was a rainbow, making sure I knew that even her underwear was rainbow colored.

Today is Evil Genius’s birthday, followed by my birthday on Mayday, and then the Princess’s birthday on May 6th.  You can bet we’ll have some good birthday stuff to put on next month’s Fly on the Wall: The Birthday Edition!  Happy EVIL GENIUS DAY!

Now click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                                 

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                     

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                             

 http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/                   

https://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com                             

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/                         

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/                 

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/                                  

http://smn0409.blogspot.com/                                       

http://www.tinystepsmommy.com                                 

http://www.outsmartedmommy.com                              

www.therowdybaker.com