Cheesecake Murdered My Oven and Other Ridiculous Theories

It was Captain Cheesecake in the kitchen that did it.

It was Captain Cheesecake in the kitchen with the raspberry goodness that did it.

Perhaps you too felt the disturbance in the force on Monday, June 23rd, 2014.  When a thousand voices cried out and were suddenly silenced.  What were those voices saying?

No.More.CHEESECAKE!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Cheesecake killed my oven.

That’s right, you read correctly.  My oven was put to an untimely demise by evil food.

It started with sweet potato fries that wouldn’t cook.  An oven that took way too long to heat.  When I gave up and said screw it because I couldn’t wait any longer.  We ate sweet potato fries that were not quite done.  Disgusting?  A little bit.

(On a side note, I give up pretty easily on most activities in the kitchen, especially if it involves washing dishes, so that’s no surprise there.)

Then there were other signs that I continued to ignore following the chewy and slightly squashy sweet potato fries.  Finally, upon smelling a weird but not quite traditional “gas that might kill us all” smell during cooking our Sunday dinner, I decided to call the utility company Monday morning to check it out ‘just in case”, and took off for work.

By the time I came back home for lunch, I was greeted with this attached to my stove:

That's bad.  Very very bad.

That’s bad. Very very bad.

Apparently my oven is so dangerous it must be put to death.  The guy from the power company talked to me at length about how I shouldn’t try to cook anything because I could blow up.  He seemed really, really concerned about me blowing myself up.  He kept reiterating it, because it must have seemed like I enjoyed living dangerously, suggesting that we might want to turn off our gas as a precaution.

Ha!  My utility company really doesn’t know me all that well.  I’m kind of sad about that.

The one saving grace was that we are at least permitted to use the stovetop.  That’s good news, considering I just wrote about boxed macaroni and cheese for a friend  (Note:  Click on that link with caution… the inmates there are a little rowdy and might not be for the faint of heart, lol.)

I thought about that fact that my house has it out for appliances.  Most that enter it don’t last too long.  But the oven?  While not beautiful or fancy it certainly lasted a long time.  Ten years.  It was the only appliance that made the ten mile journey from trailer to house.  The trip that included casualties such as a computer desk flying out of the back of the truck and shattering all over the county road and a vacuum cleaner that decided it no longer wanted to suck.

This oven, it was a survivor.  And after a whole ten minutes of thinking about it, I got to thinking that all those cheesecakes that Evil Genius has been making surely contributed to its demise.

You delicious evil cheesecakes you.  YOU did this.

But moving on, one can survive without an oven, right?  Is it so bad not having the option of chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, or enchiladas whenever we want?  It’s nothing the world’s smallest toaster oven can’t handle, correct?

Or cheesecake…

Ironically enough, the same week as the oven’s death was proclaimed loudly from the rooftops Evil Genius’s workplace decided to have a cook-off.  Employees were instructed to bring what they made best.

Coincidence?  Perhaps.  Conspiracy to make sure that the Cheesecake King didn’t get to continue his reign?  Well you just never know.

Not to be defeated, Evil Genius decided to pull out the long banned recipe.  The thing that is forbidden in our household that is rarely spoken of: The Evil Peanut Butter Bars.  He carefully crafted these spectacles of sin while I sat in the living room, crying over a laptop that wouldn’t start.  Lost photos, work lesson plans, and an 800 page work of fiction that I had been working on since early this year.

I blame the cheesecake.

On Saturday we will attempt to go pick out a new oven that we both agree upon and hopefully won’t have the word Chefmate or Hotpoint anywhere in the name.  And additionally I will hope to find that a new power cord will revive my poor little laptop, or you might be hearing another voice crying out in agony.  That would be me, being strangled by my husband…

Just in case you wanted your pants not to fit, here's the recipe that will make that happen.  No baking required.

Just in case you wanted your pants not to fit, here’s the recipe that will make that happen. No baking required.

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Touring the World One Word At A Time

If I only could write something...

If I only could write something…

Struggling to write something amusing is tough when you’ve got the blues, yo.

I’ve been dealing with a major depressive episode for months.  It’s not going away, it’s not getting better, and there are some days when I pretty much hate myself.  And blah blah blah.

But enough about me.  I got a chance to tour the world, and I think it’s pretty cool.

Marcia from Menopausal Mother tagged me in this fun little blogging game.  So maybe I DO have to tell a little more about me.  I had to answer these four simple questions and then choose three bloggers I love who will hopefully jump in and also answer the four questions and tag three bloggers they love and things of that nature.

If you’re a blogger, you know that there is no such thing as four simple questions…

1.  What am I working on?

Trying to find material that is interesting, relevant, and does not simply contain the words fart, butt, pee, poop… you see where this is going.  I live with two elementary schoolers who think that stuff is to die for.  Kids, they’re funny creatures, except when they’re not.

Currently I am working on getting to bed before 2 am most nights.  So far I am not successful.  I also might get published in something sometime soon… stay tuned for that.

2.  How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I am a mom who blogs, but I don’t feel that I really fall under the mommy blogger category.  I have a child who has some special needs (ADD, sensory issues, other stuff that may never be diagnosed), but I don’t really belong in that category either.  I do believe that we geek moms who like NASCAR are a rather unique social subgroup, don’t you?

The Sadder But Wiser Girl as Tie-Dye Girl!  Saving the world from dullness, one color at a time.

Yeah I’m unique all right…

In other words, I don’t really belong anywhere, right?  Who’s with me?  Bloggers With No Niche, UNITE!

(I really like acronyms.  That’s totally a thing.)

3.  Why do I write what I do?

I originally started blogging as a way to write down my thoughts.  The thoughts weren’t so nice at first.  But as time went on I started writing with my own warped sense of humor.  And my humor is definitely not one size fits all, as I rediscover daily whenever I share something on Facebook.

Like this picture.  I was rolling, dying when I saw this.  I shared it on Facebook. Crickets. Do you get it?????

Like this picture. I was rolling, dying when I saw this. I shared it on Facebook. Crickets. Do you get it????? Source unknown

So when I actually do write, I do it because something motivated me to write, or because someone made me do it.  You know who you are.  😉  I really do hope to get to a point where I will be able to write regularly again.  Because no brains.

4.  How does your writing process work?

I get an idea.  I find my phone.  I put that idea on the notes on my phone.  I forget I have an app for that.  Then I remember I have an app for that, and I stare at something I wrote and cannot fathom for the life of me what that was.

So my process isn’t exactly yielding a lot of product right now.  Maybe someday…

sweet baboo

Who do I love?

Three bloggers that I love… This part was so hard because there are so many blogs that I love.  I wanted to choose three from that long list that are not as well known writers that I think deserve some extra attention from all of the famous people that I’m sure are going to come read this.

All The Everydays (the blog formerly known as Mama Schmama).  Jean and I share a similar sense of humor, not to mention that she is one of the nicest people on the planet.  I do really think that we are long lost sisters.  She claims that she is a stay-at-home mom and a former teacher in the about section of her blog,but I can tell you that as a mom you are also a teacher all day long every day.  She’s not fooling anyone!  🙂  Please go over and check her out!

Sarah’s Brand New Chapter The one and only Miss Sarah Balding is a fellow Sarah, librarian, and geek.  She is definitely on the list of bloggers I want to meet someday!  I love her writing and feel that if we lived closer to each other, we’d hang out regularly.  Maybe even at the library.  Stop over, say hi, and read some of her awesomeness!

The Regular Guy NYC I don’t live anywhere near NYC, but I can live vicariously through Phil.  He visits some great places to eat, and he always posts stuff that makes me giggle.  If you live in the area, or even if you don’t, he deserves a peek or two!

So that’s all she wrote.  Really, that’s all I wrote!

 

Fly on the Wall June 2014: The Pants Party Edition

Fly on the Wall

Some flies have all the fun… welcome to the June edition of Fly on the Wall, where you can spend time spying on us and hearing all those little conversations we’re having in our house that sometimes are even amusing. 

Each month I partake in this special group event.  All of the participants write their posts and they all go live at the same time!  It’s like a marathon of your favorite TV show just much, much better!

For those of you who know how prolific a writer I used to be, thanks to a busy schedule and a major depressive episode that has now dragged on for far too long I have not been able to write much of anything.  This is the one thing that I have been able to stay active in as a blogger, and I just wanted to give a shout out to Karen of Baking in a Tornado for being understanding and not telling me to go away.  Will I ever get back to writing on a regular basis?  Will I ever feel funny again?  That remains to be seen…

Now, read the nonsense and foolishness that goes on in my house and then be sure to see what goes on in my friend’s houses by clicking on the links at the bottom of the post!

 

We have entered the dreaded stage of childhood in my house where everything inappropriate is funny.  It does not matter, if it contains the word underwear or toilet in it, it is HILARIOUS to my children.  I’m talking rolling on the floor laughing because a song had underwear in it.  So the cuteness doesn’t exactly abound in my house because my children are too busy trying to make each other laugh by saying inappropriate words:  poop, butt, fart, you name it.

As a humor writer whose most famous posts involve peeing my own pants and being a poop detective, yeahhhh… not so funny.

I am easily amused by brand names.  I truly think this is one of the best names ever.  Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants...

I am easily amused by brand names. I truly think this is one of the best names ever. Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants…

Evil Genius: “FINALLY! I got turned into a vampire. Now all I have to do is make my imaginary friend real and turn him into a werewolf so I can marry him and get on with what I’ve been trying to do.”
He’s been playing the Sims.  What did you think he was talking about?

From the living room I can hear what sounds like screams of torture from the backyard.  I go outside to see both kids sitting on the swings, screaming at the top of their lungs.
“HEY!  Knock that off!”  I yell.
“But mom, we’re doing burps!”
I might want to rethink what kind of food I’m serving my family…

Evil Genius:  “Leave some milk for morning. I eat my Fruity Pebbles like a MAN! With milk!”

I told the kids for every minute that they played outside this afternoon, they could play Minecraft. It was tough, but they stuck it out and played for a whole HOUR in the great outdoors.  Guess what?  They didn’t die!

This is part of what I do for my paid job.  These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval.  All in the name of science, right?

This is part of what I do for my paid job. These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval. All in the name of science, right?

Evil Genius:  “I hope we have enough sugar.”
Me:  “I just bought you a new thing of sugar, it’s sitting on the counter!”
Evil Genius:  “Yeah, but it’s only five pounds, and I’m making a cheesecake.”

Memorial Day weekend:  There was racing on all day and we were making fried food.  According to The Professor it was the best day ever.

Evil Genius:  “By the way, there’s an egg in the butter.”
The Professor: “Why is there an egg in the butter?”
Me: “Didn’t you know, it’s reproducing. Butter lays eggs.”
Just a little normal dinnertime conversation in our house…

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park.  Priceless.

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park. Priceless.

Take any noun and insert it in the blanks:

“Why did the guy put the _________ in the refrigerator?”
“Because he wanted a cool_________.”

Now, repeat 700,000 times in a row, inserting a different noun EVERY time you tell it. Make sure to laugh hysterically EVERY time.

My children. That’s right, they will never be comedians.

The Professor tries out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

The Professor tried out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

I almost missed going to the gym because my husband was out shopping for shoes.  Then he came home and made a cheesecake… backwards?

Did you know I’m famous?  Good things happen when you share recipes with friends.  I’m sharing this on here, because my friend Amy is awesome and so is this recipe!  http://funnyisfamily.com/2014/06/crock-pot-chicken-and-noodles.html

Don’t forget to visit these other homes and buzz around a bit!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                  Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://dinoheromommy.com/                               Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com                         Black Sheep Mom

http://www.gomamao.com                                Go Mama O

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                            Battered Hope

http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes

http://elleroywashere.com                                      elleroy was here

The Bog of Undetermined Stench: Tight Pants Not Included

baking in a tornadoThis month in an effort to get my butt back to writing, I took part in a new challenge hosted by the brilliant mistress of mouthwatering recipes Karen of Baking in a Tornado.  The peeps involved in this group post picked 4-6 words or short phrases for someone else to turn into a masterpiece.  Each word is used at least once, and each blogger receives their own unique set of words submitted by another blogger.

Fun?  Of course! I received the following words to use in this post:  unexplained phenomena ~ beastly ~ evidence ~ hair ~ investigative journalist ~ backwoods

They were submitted by the lovely Robin at Someone Else’s Genius!

In my house these days there is this unexplained phenomena known as the “undetermined stench”.  This is not to be confused with the bog of eternal stench, believe me there is no David Bowie in tight pants dancing around singing about it.

And that is such a pity.  This smell just may very well merit a song or two in tight pants.  However since we don’t have actually own any such things in our house, you’ll have to settle for me typing this in yoga pants.

Being the mother of two children with questionable toileting habits as well as working in child care for more than ten years, you would think that I would have built up considerable tolerance to all things stinky.

As it turns out not so much.

You see, much like the piles of laundry and the legos that seem to breed in the playroom, I seem to be the only one who even takes note of this foul fetor.  I notice it most when I first return to my house after being gone.  I come inside and start running around the house, smelling everything in my quest to figure out what the heck that beastly stench is and where it’s coming from!  Despite all the evidence that my nose seems to be gathering, I’m at a loss.

I can’t say it’s my power of super smell, because if that’s the case don’t you think I’d already have located it?

I shouldn’t be surprised, after all my abode seems to be the breeding ground for all kinds of hair-cat hair, dog hair, human hair.  Why not add a bit of funky smell to the mix as well?

At one point this week I attacked my couch, convinced that there was some sort of evil stanky force at work.  I washed everything that was washable, vacuumed and febrezed what was left.  While it gave my mind a little rest, the next time I came downstairs, there was that icky smell!

Nooooooooooo!

The sink with its neverending pile of dishes doesn’t always smell so wonderful, it would certainly help if Evil Genius would replace the leaky garbage disposal with the brand new one in the box.  The one sitting next to the cupboard that the cat uses as a perch to stare at us from.

But I figured that’s not where the stench is coming from either.

The basement has its own brand of special scent.  Yucky icky smelly we’ve had a little too much rain at a time loveliness.  And cat box.  Yet that is not the source of the p.u.

I’m quite close to throwing in the towel and hiring some sort of private eye or investigative journalist to sniff it out and expose this thing wide open.

I don’t know why I should be concerned.  After all, it was only this past Christmas that we were up to our ankles in our own deep doo doo in the aforementioned basement, thanks to the tree in the front yard and a few too many doses of miralax.  What smells worse than that?  My nose should have long thrown in the towel, er, kleenex, after inhaling that particular odor.  It was enough to make me want to live like they do in the backwoods… nothing to flush, just a hole in the ground.

Yes folks it’s a good mystery. One that may continue to confound me for the rest of my days before I simply run from the house screaming.  At least I’ll be out in the fresh air!

Do you have stink in your sink?  A smell where you dwell?  Is it simply your loo that smells like poo?  Or an undetermined stench in your bench?  I’d love to know.

I’d like the record to note that I came up with multiple synonyms for something that stinks.  Now, unplug your nose and read on to see what words my fellow writers utilized so splendiferously.

http://bakinginatornado.com                                Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/                      The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                    Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                      Battered Hope

http://www.healingtomato.com                         Healing Tomato

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com             Evil Joy Speaks