These Dreams (Originally A Reference to a Heart Song but Now My Anxiety Dreams)

I bet cats don’t have anxiety dreams…

My last post, not my finest moment.  So not fine that I didn’t share it on Facebook like I usually do.  I got up this morning and looked at what I had written the night before, and thought about all those things that I haven’t shared.  It certainly was easy to write about.  I decided that it won’t hurt anything.  Oh hell, ok.  So I published it.

The anxiety dreams last night didn’t help my case.  Oh I had weird ones.  The one that stands out was the one where my dog became the Don Juan of the neighborhood, impregnating every female dog in a five mile radius of our house.  Yeah, we’re going to get the dog fixed next week whether we can afford it or not.  I can’t be responsible for an explosion of dog population in this small town.

That’s not the weirdest one I’ve had.  I’ve had some doozeys.  I’m not sure how you are supposed to spell doozey.

I often dream I’m losing my children.  I’m always losing things, so I’m not surprised.  In real life I’ve actually only lost my son once.  He ran ahead of the stroller and disappeared into the crowd at a home football game.  Don’t worry, he came back.  But that was the longest two minutes of my life.

My personal favorite is one I had about a month or so ago.  I dreamed we were going to Target (imagine that, in my life all roads lead to Target) and I lost my daughter.  Not exactly in Target.  There was a very big hill in front of the store.  For some reason, there was just this big grassy hill instead of a parking lot (I don’t know where we parked… details, details…).  Princess Naughty ran down the hill so fast I couldn’t catch her and disappeared into the revolving door (I don’t know of any Targets that have a revolving door, do you?)  She reappeared later in my dream, but then I lost my son.  He went somewhere in the car with my husband, and I couldn’t get a hold of them on my cell phone.  Which is perfectly normal.  My husband is notorious for either not having his phone, having it on silent, no knowing it’s dead, or just plain not hearing it.  He’s getting better, but he’s the reason why I pay for a texting plan-whenever he gets around to looking at his phone, I hope he may see my text.

Maybe she was after the bomb pops.

I have the school dream several times a week.  I’m back in (choose one):  a)  high school b) college c)  elementary school d) obedience school.  I a)  have never been to class b)  have a test I haven’t studied for c)  leave for school but never actually get there because I get sidetracked by half a million things d) never put on clothes.  Or it’s the work dream.  I’m at a) Kmart b) where I taught music c) one one of the daycares I worked at d) the preschool I worked at e) my associate job f)  the clothing store job.  I a) oversleep/don’t go b) have an evaluation c) am on my way but never actually make it to work d) never put on clothes.

Not exactly the school dreams I was talking about.

Do you see a pattern here?  Anxiety is FUN!

Another classic is the one where my husband leaves me.  I have been left because a) he didn’t like dinner b) he met a hot veterinarian c) he met a hot guy d) I did something he didn’t like e) I have no idea.  It’s always a relief to wake up to him snoring.  I tell him about these dreams, he just shakes his head.  I guess I’m safe-we’ll have been married for almost thirteen years and he hasn’t stormed out over dinner yet.

There are others too.  Many of the dreams I just plain can’t find something REALLY important.  I shouldn’t be surprised by that one, since that happens quite frequently to me.  My life is one big brain fart.

Maybe I just need a starship.

I really think if I ever get to therapy they’d probably write a book about me.  I hope I get some kickback from it, because I could really use the dough.

The anxiety itself has been much better these days thanks to a very effective anti anxiety medication.  I hated to do it, but the doctor really didn’t want to see me dead due to a heart attack.  I had been dealing with a racing heart and constantly being on the edge of a panic attack for the last few months.  While it doesn’t really help with other stuff, like moodiness, it’s nice to feel like I can deal with life rationally.  Like laugh at these dreams I’m having (I suppose the anxiety has to manifest itself somehow).  Enjoy my life.  And write this blog.

Have you ever had an anxiety dream?  Was it funny or freaky?  I find mine a combination of both.  And that’s ok.

The ADD Mom Makes Stuff…With Assistance

This is really getting out of hand.

My sister’s birthday is on Thursday.  In true ADD fashion I am just now getting around to doing stuff for it.  I’ve thought about it quite a bit, as usual I realized “Hey it’s in TWO days!” today.  And we’re making stuff, because that’s what we do.

Hey sis, if you read my blog, your present is going to be late.  Mainly because stuff needs to dry.  Scared yet?  By the way, I wrote this yesterday.  I DO know when your birthday is.

Princess Impatient loves to help Mommy make stuff.  Especially if there is any sort of art involved.  I scrapbook and I make my own cards.  Ahem, I used to scrapbook and I used to make my own cards.  That’s because whenever I get stuff out she must be involved, and take over.  So now WE make cards.  My goal is to start scrapbooking again before the month is over.  I have a couple of days.  We’ll see how that goes.  I can give the princess a scrapbook page of her own to make, but somehow I don’t think that will fly with the dog.  That will be another post:  The Dog Ate My Scrapbook Page, He’s Dead Now.

So WE made a card today.  It started out simple.  After she got done with it, I think it could possibly be used to reflect the sun away from the earth.  It’s THAT sparkly.  Four year olds don’t  have any form of sparkle self-control.  There’s no glitter, just lots and lots of sparkly stuff.  I don’t want to go there, because to paraphrase Demetri Martin “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies”.  Because once it gets on you, you’ve got it forever.

The genius of Demetri Martin.

(For the comedically uninformed, Demetri Martin is one of the funniest people who’ve ever walked this earth.  He not only does stand up comedy but draws lots of pictures and stuff.  Here is an example of his funniness.  I understand he just wrote a book.  I need to make money so I can buy it.)

I mentioned the “worm” that she crafted out of sparkly pom poms and craft sticks yesterday.  This worm thing is also getting out of hand.  We now are on to our second worm, second worm house, a worm slide, and a worm teeter totter.  She wants to make many more worms, mainly because she’s obsessed with those sparkly pom poms.  I hate pom poms because no matter what kind of glue you use they won’t stick to anything (I haven’t tried Super Glue-I’m not giving that to a 4 year old.  I have visions of the dog wearing permanent sparkles, glued to the side of the stove).  She also wants to make worm chew toys, because apparently worms are notorious for chewing stuff up (who knew?)  By the way, the worms are named Worma and Wormy.  Worma has issues with her head-I think it must be some sort of genetic mutation that only sparkly worms get.  Her head won’t stay on.  She’d be an easy target for The Highlander.  Oh wait, worms don’t have hands (no sword fighting going on at that worm house).  Maybe if Princess Impatient would just WAIT FOR THE GLUE TO DRY!

Where the little wormies live!

Anyway, back to the gift making process.  We have a very sparkly card, various artwork, and before the end of the day we may have a human sized sculpture to send through the mail.  I can’t afford that kind of postage.  I hope I can find the postage I have.  I hope she likes Christmas stamps.

(Mom-I made you a card for Mother’s Day.  It was very cool.  I had it.  I never sent it.  Then I meant to give it to you but I forgot.  Then I lost it.  Maybe you’ll get it by next Mother’s Day.)

Oh wait, we’re back to the worms again.  Now she wants the worms to have pets.  Adhesive google eyes on a sparkly pom pom-BAM!  You got pets.  Oh wait, now they’re worm babies.  I don’t have the heart to tell her how worms reproduce.

This could go on for days…

I Could So Be An Inventor

Theme ThursdayTheme Thursday is a once a week opportunity to observe the writing rituals of bloggers.  Hosted by the lovely Jen of Something Clever 2.0, each week has a different theme to write about.  This week’s theme is Useful Inventions.

(This post was published previously last August.)

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should be an inventor.  Maybe I should have added that to my list of potential jobs.  I’d make very ADD friendly inventions.  Why else would I want to invent something?  It probably wouldn’t be in my best interest-I’d probably lose the patents.



Here are some of my ideas to make my life easier:

1)  Automatic Lunchbox-  It remembers to pack itself.  It makes sure you have all the components for a healthy lunch.  Best of all, it chases you down if you try to leave the house without it.

2)  Snooze Button That Fights Back– It shocks the unfortunate person who tries to turn it off, until they get up.  This is totally unrelated to the Alarm Clock Force Field-which prevents the spouse from hearing the other person’s alarm go off 15 times before they get up.

3)  Self-Cleaning Children-  Also available as an upgrade to the current version of children you have.  Only for children with Windows.

4)  Answer Me App- This downloadable app will cause your phone to come find you when someone is calling/texting and your phone is on silent/dead/in your car/lying in the yard.  Has a special version for when it’s your spouse-it can be programmed to smack your significant other in the head.

5)  Lost Item Replicator– Looked everywhere?  Called everywhere?  Simply replicate your lost keys/sunglasses/underwear.  Does not work on lost children.

Wrong type of replicator-will not make tea. Especially Earl Grey, hot.

6)  Meal Generator-Using the ability to tap into the brainwaves of all family members, this will not only be able to tell what everyone had for lunch and icraving for supper, it also uses a complex formula to figure out how to combine it all into one meal that everyone will enjoy.

7)  Lie Detector- This is different from the traditional polygraph machine.  It actually causes pants to burst into flames.  Can be downloaded to unsuspecting pants-wearers.  Not compatible with flame retardant material.

8)  Mood Advisory System–  Color coded system that warns what the spouse’s/child’s/coworker’s mood is ahead of time.  Three levels:  Green-good, Yellow-proceed with caution, Red-Get the Hell Away!  Also available with flashing lights and loud alarms.

9) Mess Cloaking Device–  For when you don’t have a door to close.  Excellent for sinks full of dishes.

10)  Grocery Reminder App– Downloadable to your phone, this app will keep track of what you need and start screaming at you when you come up to the checkout about all the crap you forgot.  Also gets angry with you for getting stuff you DON’T need.  Comes in two voices- Wolowitz’s Mom and The Joker from the Dark Knight movies.

Be a dear, and don’t steal my ideas, k?  If you’re planning on doing so anyway, better wear fireproof pants!

Not quite like that…

Be sure to check out what other bloggers would like to invent by clicking HERE.  It’s what all the cool kids do…

HereHere document – A here document (also called a here-document, a heredoc, a hereis, a here-string or a here-script) is a way of specifying a string literal in command line shells in…

My Husband Won’t Read My Blog And Other Random Stupid Stuff

My husband won’t read my blog.  At least I don’t think he’s read it.  At one point he hollered “I just read it!”  How could he do that in twelve seconds?  I thin he’s lying.

Why is it so critical that one of the most important people in my life takes a look at what I’ve so carefully crafted?  I really have no idea.  And what would he say to me if he did?  Give me a high five?  Sign me up for a writing class?  Throw something at me?  Tell me that he doesn’t yearn for meat nearly as much as I have led the world to believe?  Not sure…

In other news, I think I’m doing this all wrong.  A couple of nights ago while waiting for the Ambien to kick in I googled “How to get more people to read your blog”.  This is what I learned:

1)  Find your audience.  I didn’t know they were missing.  Seriously, I was more thinking that I just need to get stuff out there and put down what’s in my head, as scary as that may be.  I guess whoever likes it, well, that’s my audience.  Glad I found you.

2)  Dark colored background…BAD.  Oh nooooooooooo… if your blog is dark no one will ever read it.  Nice.  Honestly, I looked high and low for a background I really liked.  Sorry Charlie, I like the particular theme I chose, Dusk to Dawn.  Nothing else on WordPress seemed to fit my personal style.  After reading this, I actually went into the themes and looked again.  I still don’t like any of the others.  Dark is me (well, actually I’m quite pale.)

3)  Tweet.  I don’t.  I know everyone is doing it.  I just don’t feel a need to do it.

4)  Simplify.  Did you know that in this day and age people don’t actually READ blogs?  They SCAN them.  That’s news to me, because I still read stuff.

5)  Use images to break up text.  Because it’s really hard work to see all of those words.  Sometimes I use pictures and sometimes I don’t.  Depends on what I’m trying to do.  I could just find random pictures and put them in to break stuff up, like this…

This is toilet paper.

What’s really super awesome is that if I choose to use this as my only image in here that will be the “featured image” for this post.  I like that.  I like toilet paper.

6)  Unless you’re famous, no one reads personal blogs anymore.  Well that does it.  Guess I’m gonna have to get famous.  I’m still not going to tweet.

I really DO want people to read my blog, because I want them to be entertained.  It’s cheaper than therapy.  It’s also great to get feedback.  It’s nice to be appreciated.  I made a page on Facebook, put it out there for family and friends, and try to at least try to attract a handful or so of people who might enjoy my warped humor.

I still don’t get how I’m really supposed to use tags.  I’ve read a bunch of stuff, and I don’t have the patience to watch the video tutorials.  So I just pick random stuff and use it as a tag.  Probably not the thing you’re supposed to do, eh?  Despite my unwillingness to watch a video, through my persistence I have figured out some awesome features on WordPress.  You can see the countries people are from that view your blog.  I don’t know why, but I think that is very neat!  So far I have people from the US, Canada, Australia, India, and Norway.  Not bad for just a few days of being public.  Maybe I am famous after all.

I’ve recovered from my self proclaimed “Idea Diarrhea” and am now afflicted with some sort of brain constipation (and have no cool name for it).  I have some random stuff in my head but when it comes out it doesn’t come out right.  Is there a sort of stool softener for your brain?  Or brain fiber?  If there is, please tell me where to get it…

Enter The Princess…

I’d like to think that though she likes the princess thing that maybe she doesn’t buy into the whole someday my prince will come thing. Self saving princesses… handsome but idiot princes, like in this awesome Sesame Street episode.

Sometime around the second year of the Professor’s life I thought that maybe, just maybe it might be fun to have two kids.  What was I thinking???

A friend of mine’s husband works counseling children for a living.  He is quick to point out that only children are the ones who are the most messed up.  My apologies to only children out there that read my blog-if you’re reading my blog then you are just fine.  A little warped but just fine.  😉

So we decided to have a second child.  Once again on the first try we got it.  Looking at this track record it’s probably a REALLY good thing I’m on birth control.  My husband must have sniper sperm.

This one was a girl.  I should have realized something was different, because I was sick from the moment of conception on.  Days of contractions, then they broke my water and she was mad and came out immediately afterwards, angry.  This one didn’t sleep all the time.  This one wanted to be held at all times.  This one didn’t like to sleep, and she didn’t like to be in bed alone (which my husband has pointed out several times could be a big problem when she gets older.  I’ve told him I really don’t want to hear that right now.)  Not only that, but from day one she has voiced her opinion, loudly.  Yes, she has lungs.  AND personality.  LOTS of personality.

The first child was so logical about the world.  This one was everyone but.  We started out with Spock, we now add Eviela Knievel.  She never stopped moving in the womb, and hasn’t really stopped since-and now I know what she was doing in there the whole time.  This now four year old runs, jumps, tumbles, dances from the time she gets up until it’s time for bed, except when she’s cuddling with Mommy.  She’s never been afraid of anything logical like heights.  She jumps off of everything-the headboard of her bed has been used quite often for a diving board.  She dangles across the stairway railing on the WRONG side, hanging in midair and rolling her eyes at me when I tell her not to.  She climbs up slides and goes back down them backwards.  Yesterday my husband caught her riding her bouncy ball on the trampoline.  It’s a good thing she’s so athletic-she’d sure fall a lot more than she does if she wasn’t.  Thank goodness for that, she screams enough as it is.

She’d like to rule the world someday.  Right now she practices on her older brother.  I’ve lost count of how many times the Professor has been in trouble for something that he claims “SHE MADE ME DO IT!”  Not only does she try to command people, she also commands attention.  Apparently we never ever pay attention to her.  On top of that, she loves to argue.  Look out future debate teams.

We’ve never bought into the whole princess thing.  Yet somehow we managed to have a girl who loves all things princess.  We regularly point out to her that she is NOT a princess.  I don’t think she believes us (I guess there’s a silver lining in that-that makes me the queen.)  She also enjoys things that are not so girly.  She loves the Avengers-she actually saw it in the theater with us and almost behaved.  She loves her Daddy simply for the fact that he will roughhouse with her.  She will play with her brother’s Star Wars and Superhero action figures, but most of the time just prefers to do art and play Princess My Little Ponies as long as her Mommy will do it with her.

I’m quite a bit nervous about when she starts school.  She reads some.  She wants to work on the same stuff her brother does, but she wants to do it on HER terms.  “Mommy, TEACH ME TOO!”  At the moment she’s bored to death of being at home, but happy that she’s home with Mommy because every day is a girl’s day.  I’ve made a big basket of art projects to keep her occupied, but she wants to do them ALL.  Not so sure how long all of that is going to last.  Today I managed to stretch out one project into at least 45 minutes.  She wanted to make “animals” out of sparkly pom poms and craft sticks.  We made a worm.  She couldn’t wait for it to dry.  I taped two toilet paper tubes together for her to make a “worm house”, complete with windows, blanket, and worm food.  Unfortunately, since she was so impatient her little worm lost part of its body.  I glued the worm back together and warned her that she had to leave it alone until it was dry.  Ten minutes later she was trying to play with it.  Poor little worm.

Her imagination is so great.  That is one thing that her brother has a hard time with.  She is always making up things and playing.  He has a hard time with anything that’s not fact or based upon something else.  If they play something that has to do with a TV show, he will demand that they play it exactly to script.  She will make it up as she goes along.  The scientist and the artist.

We often call her Princess, but not like you’d think.  Oh no, we don’t do that.  If we refer to her as Princess, it’s more like this:  Princess Tantrum, Princess Pouty, Princess Poopypants, Princess Buttcheeks (we seem to not be able to keep our pants up, no matter how much they are adjusted-she seems to have a permanent buttcrack), Her Royal Tiredness, and so on and so on.  This is because there are no princesses, at least in our house.

People wonder why I’m exhausted-the reign of her royalness is tiring.  She loves her Mommy-she commands attention all day and all evening, and sometimes into the night.  Remember, this one doesn’t like to sleep.  She also wants to be near me at all times.  Anytime anyone else tries to sit next to me she must intervene and stop that nonsense.  The brother, the dog, the cat, any cousins that come to visit.  Jealousy runs wild in this one.  It’s good that I am so loved.

I’m done having kids.  Partly because I’m too old to be having more, partly because after her I don’t need any more, and we just don’t have the room.  I have a boy and a girl, so that’s ok.  I’m lucky that I was blessed with two very different personalities.  And also that she was not twins.

Could totally happen…

My Son the Professor: A Boy In Love With Video Games

For the first few years of our marriage we were childless.  That was for good reason-I worked with infants all day long.  I had twelve babies at work, why would I want more?  I had to switch jobs so that I might want children of my own.  I went to a different center with older children.  That must have worked, because when we set out to try to have kids, we got it on the first try.  Man are we good.

The first spawn of our marriage was a little boy.  He was the bestest baby on the planet.  Cute, not like those shriveled up little newborns you usually get.  He slept.  He slept a lot.  As a matter of fact, there was very little time that he was conscious in those early months.  We would try to wake him up when company came-often with little success.  He fell asleep breastfeeding so he would never eat very much.  Turns out he was conserving all that brainpower for when he got older.

When he was two, we were concerned that he really didn’t talk.  That changed when he went to actual preschool.  And I brought home a NASCAR season preview special.  He stole it.  He took that big fat magazine and took it into his room.  He was obsessed.  That little two year old boy learned all of the numbers of all of the cars, the driver names, the sponsors, the crew chiefs, even the owners.  He knew every track and where they were located.  At two, he declared his love for all things Jeff Gordon, the driver of the Dupont #24.  That was difficult in a house of non Jeff Gordon fans.  We tolerated it, since he had his mind made up.  This changed when he decided to start rooting just for whoever was winning, because losing makes him sad.  He still likes NASCAR quite a bit, though.

He started reading at 3, and it has been an explosion of knowledge ever since, which is good and bad.  Good that he is passionate about learning.  Bad when you are in school and they are already doing stuff you learned years ago.  The funny thing is when he is sitting with a book, often he will be doing one of two things-1)  looking at only the pictures or 2)  Turning the pages without even looking at the book.  Maybe the words are jumping off the pages and into his brain. He loves all books, he prefers comic books and graphic novels.  Yup, much like us he’s going to be a geek.

The baby has grown up into a very inquisitive second grader.  I call him the Professor, because he is like a little professor of sorts.  Very smart, and he WILL tell you what he knows (unfortunately he can also be quite a know it all).  He has the glasses that always seem to be a little bit crooked.  He loves to analyze stuff.  He talks like a miniature adult.  He actually prefers the company of adults to children.  Recently we had my sister in law and her family up to visit.  We wanted him to hang out with his cousins, not just play video games.  You know, socialize.  Once he realized that the video games weren’t going to happen, he decided that maybe he should hang out with the grown-ups.  He comes out of his room, plops down betweeen my SIL and her husband and announces, “I have decided I should come and socialize.”  Of couse there was a TV in the room-he most likely was coming out to check out what was on it.

The Professor is much like his father in many ways.  He loves anything with a screen-TV shows, movies, computers, video games.  Especially video games.  When Evil Genius hooked up the Nintendo 64 in his room, a love affair began.  He thinks about video games all the time, he talks about video games all the time.  Even ones he doesn’t have.  Mario is his hero.  He’s always reading articles about Wii games in gaming magazines.  He tells me all about the great new games he’s reading about-I am constantly reminding him “We don’t have a Wii.”  “Oh”.  I think he’s secretly hoping that if he thinks about it hard enough, one will simply appear.  Sorry kiddo, not gonna happen.  He does have a DS which he loves to pieces.  I personally really don’t get the whole video game thing.  We had an Atari when I was his age, which was fun.  I still like to play Tetris and Scrabble, but not all the time.

We’re mean parents.  We don’t let him watch TV or play video games all the time.  He’s limited on his time.  He thinks we’re killing him.  Often he’ll make sure I know that the only thing that is fun to him is video games, and he’s not having fun if he’s not playing!

Oh he likes other things.  He loves science.  I brought him home two Popular Science magazines from the free bin at the library.  He sat and didn’t make a peep because he spent all afternoon and evening reading them.  He even took them to read on the bus.  He loves to know how things work.  My husband has taken him to work on several occasions and he thinks it’s the coolest thing ever.  He has been obsessed with the weather since age 3-we took him to the Science Center near here recently and he was quite disappointed that the real meteorologist didn’t show up for the weather presentation.  It was just some guy trying to keep the kids entertained.  Besides, he had gotten the paper on how to make his own tornado and hygrometer.  He was done.

He talks constantly, mostly about video games, superheroes, and sports.  He talks to whoever will listen, whether they seem interested or not.  He will also talk to himself, and he doesn’t care who is listening.  And sometimes he gets stuck.  He repeats the same thing over and over and over, usually until one of us tells him to stop.  It’s like there’s a record in his head that gets stuck.  We’ve tried to help with this, and it has gotten somewhat better, but now he whispers the repeated last word to himself just like Brick on “The Middle”.  When he isn’t talking about stuff, he’s asking questions.  LOTS of questions.  Many of which I have to respond with “Ask the engineer.”

The Professor’s design for his Halloween costume.

I must admit I think he’s pretty neat.  We’re both ADD, so I can somewhat understand his thought process, but there are other things going on in there that I just don’t quite get.  I worry about him a lot.  School has been a real struggle-he’s so smart but it’s hard for him to get that it’s time to work and he doesn’t get to choose what they are working on.  He has some real anxieties too.  The Aspergers possibility still hangs around there, but it’s pretty clear that we’re not going to be able to get him tested, and really what good would it do him other than what we’re already doing?  He is on an IEP for his ADD and his behavior issues-we deal with the behavior stuff on a daily basis.  I admit it’s very frustrating.  At the same time I’ve got to have a sense of humor about it.  And believe me, I do!

My Mom says that we have children for our own amusement.  I try to imagine myself and what I was like before kids.  Yes I complain like everyone else.  But hey, they are pretty funny!

This could happen at our house.

A Tale of Two Kitties… And a Dog

I wanted another lap cat, and instead I got a dog that thinks he’s a lap dog.

We’ve had two cats for the last 5 years.  The one we have currently, the little fluffy 8 year old black kitty that we call Antisocial Cat.  This has nothing to do with the dog-she was antisocial before that.  She likes to hide in dark places because she thinks she’s invisible.  The other kitty we had passed away on Easter morning this year.  He was HUGE-a big massive long-haired orange kitty that was the most tolerant animal I have ever met.  He was 14 years old, and he cost $87,000.  When we got him, we got a house along with him six years ago.  He had personality-he was always wanting to be loved.  If you weren’t paying attention to him, he’d come up and head butt you so you’d pet him.  He was so huge he took up your entire lap-and during the winter he was quite a welcome companion.  Who needs an electric blanket when you’ve got a giant kitty?

He passed away rather suddenly-it was certainly unexpected.  And my lap has never been emptier or colder.

Antisocial Kitty stepped up a little.  She is not a lap cat.  We often say she’s ADD just like the rest of us-she hops up on the arm of the chair for a minute to be petted, and then goes away for a few minutes, and then comes back for two minutes, and then goes away, and so forth and so forth.  Realize that these rare moments do only occur for about 20 minutes twice a day.  Three times if we’re lucky.  The rest of the time she’s in hiding.  Occasionally she sits on the back of the couch and surveys her domain.

We’d been teasing her because she’s sweet when she wants love, but otherwise kind of boring.  She’s usually hiding, and she really doesn’t play.  We kept threatening to get a kitten.  And I swear she understood what I was saying-the queen did not approve of that.  When we brought the dog home I know just what she was thinking, “THAT IS NOT A KITTEN!  NOT A KITTEN!”

I’ve decided the dog is all right.  Yesterday I went to get his leash and the big oaf jumped up, put his paws on me, and slipped his head right into the collar.  That was very cool.

I’m not saying he’s not annoying.  And now that I have proclaimed to the world he’s all right he’s certain to do something naughty.  Just the other day I told my mom he’s a good dog and right after I got off the phone he peed on the bathroom floor.  It’s like having a giant toddler.  He’s chosen me-hey he know who walks him, pays attention to him, and pets him.  I knew the me taking care of him part was going to happen.  It’s not like I’m wanting to say “I told you so” to Evil Genius, but “I TOLD YOU SO!”  As long as they bathe him, I can handle the other stuff.  The kids are pretty good about feeding him and watering him when asked.  The Professor loses the pitcher that I’ve set aside for him to fill the bowl on a daily basis, but with help he finds it and gets the job done.  Princess Notice Me actually tries to feed him too much-she brings little handfuls of puppy food into the living room and tries to feed him.

Dogs need to be walked.  This is a very good thing for me.  At first it was hard because he’s a giant puppy, and if we want him to do it right then it requires a lot of stop and go-I didn’t know this but you’re not supposed to be dragged around (Hey I’m a cat person!  This is yet another thing I’ve learned).  It’s a great excuse to get out-sorry honey gotta walk the dog!  I’ve exercised a lot these past few days just getting out with him.  And it seems to get the kids outside.  They say they want to go out and play with the dog, which occurs for about a minute-then they go play but hey they’re OUTSIDE WITHOUT COMPLAINING!  This is a small miracle at our house.

He’s not perfect.  He’s eaten a pair of my underwear and has an affinity for towels and blankets, but he has gotten better about it.  He loves getting into the trash (I counted on that, come one we watch “Martha Speaks” here every day).  He has some separation anxiety due to being left alone in a yard before we got him, therefore he must know where we are at all times.  Sometimes he panics when I leave the room, especially when it’s about time that we walk (I wonder if he thinks I’m going to jump out of the upstairs window and leave him or what?)  He likes to escape and run around the neighborhood.  Friday he slipped out with The Professor when he left to go to the bus stop.  I feel bad for the people of our street who had to be exposed to me walking down the street in my pjs, unshowered, wild hair, no shoes-trying to bribe the dog back into the house with my daughter following close behind.  My husband told me not to do that again.  I’m a CAT PERSON, I don’t know these things!  I obviously got him back though, behold the power of Beggin Strips!

Cats aren’t perfect either.  They hack up hairballs everywhere.  Hairball formula cat food doesn’t work.  Antisocial Cat has spent the last six years carving our banister post into some sort of abstract art.  It’s annoying but it keeps her from scratching on the furniture.  Don’t tell me to get a scratching post-our cat will use everything but what we want her to.  The scratch box is a nice thing to sniff and lay one-the only thing in the house that has ever known what that thing is actually for was the orange cat-and he didn’t have claws.  We even bought her a cat bed.  She will sleep everywhere in the house BUT the cat bed.

I call him The Big Oaf because he’s clutzy and has no idea how big he is.  There is nothing funnier than watching him try to go down the stairs-he gets going and gravity takes over-I should record it and put it on YouTube.  And when he gets excited he barrels around the place and knocks stuff and sometimes people over.  But he’s loveable.  And he thinks he’s a little lap dog-he has claimed the spot next to mine on the couch where he can snuggle up against me and sometimes try to sit in my lap.

How does the cat feel about this?  At first she hid.  Then she decided he wasn’t going to run her life.  There’s a lot of hissing and growling.  The dog wants to play, the cat DOES not.  Once he leaves her alone in the small amount of time she decides to grace us with her presence, she sits behind my head on the couch, eyes on the dog, trying to kill him with her stare.  I think she’s very disappointed it hasn’t worked.

I’m still hoping to get another cat.  A nice little playful boy kitty who hopefully will sit on my lap.  We’ll see-for now I think I’d better focus on The Big Oaf.

The Sadder But Wiser Girl…Poop Detective

Theme ThursdayThis post has been slightly altered from its original form in order to appease the WordPress gods.  They won’t let you reblog more than once, and I really wanted to link this up to Theme Thursday.  Just sayin…  The theme is to rerun a favorite.  I’m awfully partial to this post, and I’m not sure why.

Two things happened in the past 24 hours that got me thinking.

Yesterday afternoon my phone rang.  I always program different ring tones along with the numbers in my phone so I have a general idea of who is calling.  This particular ringtone I hadn’t heard in quite a while.  It was my former employer, *Disorganization Ltd.  Why the heck would they be calling me?  Oh they have seen the error of their ways, and they really do need someone in their office here.  Not a chance.  I’m glad I didn’t answer, because I probably would have gone all Anakin Skywalker on them.  They did leave a message though, which went something like this:”Hi *Sadder.  This is *Spacy Lady.  I know we haven’t talked in a while, but you know that everyone that works for our disorganization has to teach 10 classes a year.  You have only taught five.  I need you to call me so we can make you feel bad for not wanting to be on call for us to work that 30 minutes a month we may need you.  I want to talk you into making yourself available to teach classes that are cancelled 90 percent of the time, to call and beg you to teach classes several hours away that we will turn around and assign to someone else at the last minute, and to make you feel terrible about the fact that you won’t work enough to even pay for a babysitter.  I’d love to catch up with you and rub it in that we wouldn’t retain your position.”

Ok, so that’s not what she said, but that’s how I took it.  Really, what does the word “resignation” mean to you?  To me it means I can’t collect unemployment.  Needless to say, I won’t be returning that call right away, if at all.

The other thing that happened is that I got another rejection letter from the place I keep applying for different jobs at.  You’d think that with all the turnover they seem to have that sooner or later they’d run out of people and be forced to hire me.  Wow I must REALLY suck!

I started thinking after reading that of the jobs that I COULD have.  All the skills and stuff I’ve acquired over the years, surely it’s worth something.  I know that being able to sing all of the lyrics to “Abby’s Flying Fairy School” won’t get me very far.  However, a few others may.  The following is a little list I’ve come up with:

1) Poop Detective-I worked in childcare for 11 plus years plus had two children of my own.  I know my poop.  I could be like Bones.  They could call me in to the scene of the crime and have me tell them about the feces.  I’d stroll in, be able to tell them how old it was, how long it had been there, the size and approximate age of the perpetrator.  “This came from a 2 and a half year old male approximately two feet tall who’s still in diapers.”  We’ve had some pooping in our house that no one would own up to, so I’ve had good practice.

“I’ve got something in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.”

A few years ago I probably could have done that simply by smell.  I could smell a poop a mile away.  But I think that superpower is fading.  Still don’t know how I quite got it.  Maybe I got bit by a radioactive baby.

2)  Wandering Minstrel-I don’t play lute.  Or guitar.  But I’ve played flute semi-professionally, as in I was paid a few coins to show up for municipal band.  I could stroll around and play my flute.  I pitched this idea to my husband-I think they need one of these where he works.  He liked the idea.  Maybe I could even use my children as interpretive dancers.  (You’re wondering why I don’t just go play flute somewhere for money.  It’s been awhile.  My kids don’t let me talk on the phone or use the bathroom.  Do you really think I’d have time to practice?)

3)  Cat Herder-A very wise (and fun!) preschool teacher I used to work with likened getting a group of preschoolers to go anywhere is very much like it would be to herd cats.  Surely there are herds of cats roaming the earth that need herders.  I understand I am qualified.

4)  Paint Color Name Chooser-I’m sure there’s a better word for this.  SOMEONE has to choose the names of all of those paint colors out there.  I think I’d be very good at it.  Of course once I named one Baby Poop Brown I probably would be out of a job…

5)  Excuse Service-Need an excuse to get out of something?  Give me a call and I will make up one for you.  I’ve certainly heard one for just about everything…

6)  Professional Disorganizer– Not only could I undo your organizational methods, I could do it in record time (even faster if I get my kids involved).  I’ve had lots of practice (ADD again, you get the picture).

So there you have it.  Perhaps I’ll think of more as time goes on.  Six jobs that I would be very, very good at.  Now if only I knew where to look for them… In the meantime, maybe I can try just making it as a blogger.

*The names have been changed because like I said, I don’t want anyone burning down my house…

Learning to Embrace Geekdom

I am a geek.

Harry Anderson of “Night Court” fame once told of the origin of the word geek.  He said it was what they called the circus performer who bit the heads off of chickens.

Today’s version of a geek is much more friendly.  The “I Geek…” program that has been so well promoted has really helped with that.  Geek more refers to something that you have a keen interest in.  I also think the show “Big Bang Theory” has a lot to do with it.  I love that show.  Geeks trying to relate to people who aren’t.  It’s kind of like my life.  It’s almost cool to be a geek these days, depending on what kind of geek you are.

Being a geek is now cool!

I am a geek on several levels.

The version that most people know me as is the band geek.  The music geek.  I was in marching band and LOVED it.  Symphonic Band, Orchestra, Pep Band.  My life in high school revolved around instrumental music.  I had a hard time understanding that other people didn’t enjoy it like I did, like my high school boyfriend (he quit band-he rolled his eyes when I talked about it.  No wonder we broke up.)  I was good at it because I worked hard-it didn’t come naturally for me.  I was so jealous of my friends that were naturally so good they got to do things like All-State Band and the State Fair Band.  In college I was in those things and then expanded into vocal music.  I played in the municipal band and the regional symphony.  For a while I was a music teacher.  Now I’m now.  That’s another post.

You know I never actually got to go to band camp?

Then there are the other layers of geek.  I like movies.  I like some TV.  I love Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Superheroes.  The original Star Wars movies are still some of my all time favorites-there was a time when I could recite “The Empire Strikes Back” word for word.  My son has all the action figures that I had as a child (sorry collectors, they are not still in the boxes).  I get excited when there I find “Star Trek:  TNG” on TV.  I went to “Star Trek:  Nemesis” on opening night.  When I went to the new Star Trek movie, I almost cried when it was over because I never wanted it to end.  I waited in almost painful anticipation for the Avengers movie to be released. Harry Potter was magical to me-I saw the movies wishing that there had been such a thing when I was a kid.

I’ve just been waiting for an excuse to use this…

I have not read “50 Shades of Gray”, though I did check out an excerpt online because I wanted to know what the hell everyone was talking about (It’s PORN!  I’m sorry, that is porn.)  I have however read most of Robert Heinlein’s vast collection.  Alan Dean Foster, JR Tolkien, Brian Daley, Isaac Asimov, those are all very familiar names to me.  I used to read a book a day.  I was a little bookworm as a child.  I am trying very hard to get back to reading something that isn’t a magazine article these days-but when you have kids it’s hard!

But not all the geeks like the same stuff.  For the record, I’ve seen a little of Dr Who, but never got into it.  Never seen Babylon 5.  Saw the Stargate movie-never seen the show.  Watched some of Battlestar Galactica, but kept forgetting it was on (if it wasn’t for my DVR, I probably wouldn’t know when anything was on.  Again, another post).  Watched Smallville for a spell, then lost interest.  I don’t get into the whole Twilight/Vampire thing-though I have really enjoyed Being Human on the Sci-Fi channel.  Oh I’m sorry, it’s Sy-Fy.  Never quite understood why they changed the spelling-just how stupid do they think people are?

When we moved back to the Midwest after years of being a military family I started to get embarrassed about the things I liked.  For years I pretended that I had no interest in the stuff.  Mainly because I liked guys and I wanted one to like me back.  Thank goodness I finally met my husband.  I married him because I could be myself around him, and he likes the same stuff I do-movies, sci-fi, books, music, etc. We often speak in TV or movie quotes at home.  Let’s face it, he’s the Band Geek who never joined the band (I love the American Pie movies, and there is a good reason why).  Yes I am in a Geek Marriage.  But that’s ok.

He is a geek in more ways than I.  For example, he is a science geek.  He took Quantum Physics FOR FUN.  He also loves video games.  He plays World of Warcraft and City of Heroes.  We have every older video gaming system they made, including an Atari and a 3DO.  I think he salivates whenever we pass a Gamestop.  And he loves Comic Books-he takes my kids to the comic book store for fun.  He is currently designing metal signs for people’s cubicles at work based up their interests.  When his is complete, the world will stop and take notice.  That’s because it’s the Iron Man face, complete with a replica of an arc reactor that lights up.  He wants to be able to take it out and wear it.  I’m glad they embrace his weirdness at work… I tease him about it, but I love it.

I’m so glad he has found his niche.  His love of sports (mainly football-once again, that’s another post) is something that is very relatable to others. Outside of our family it’s hard for me to relate to other people that like the same things I do.  I guess because I’m a girl.  I’m still seen as the odd girl.  Quiet until you get to know me, developing the social anxiety hasn’t helped!  I remember vividly a few years ago when I was working with kids in a local after school program.  My boss told an entire room of people right in front of me how I’m kind of odd, and that was good because I could relate to the weird kids.  I wasn’t sure whether to be embarrassed or proud at that moment.

My husband has never been embarrassed of his interests.  He proudly lets people know what he likes.  He wears Star Wars and Star Trek t-shirts.  He lends out the movies he really likes to people who haven’t been exposed to the stuff.  I’m still embarrassed to show up the book that I’m currently reading in public-it’s the very first book ever written based upon “Star Trek:  TNG”.

Part of my goal now that I have more time to devote to being myself is getting to the point that I’m ok with being me.  Learning to embrace Geekdom, and learning about what is actually interesting about me being, well ME.  Developing the part that counts, the part on the inside, and stop worrying so darn much about what other people think!  So if you are offended that I am, well, such a GEEK, then stop reading my blog!!!

Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have found a partner in Geekdom as I have.  Oh boy, my kids are DOOMED!  Again, that’s another post…

You Like Me. You Really Like Me!

I feel like Sally Field because you really like me! Now I’m going to go watch “Smokey and the Bandit”.

The results are in.

On a day when I was feeling particularly empowered, and my husband was especially encouraging the night before, I invited people I knew to view my blog.  At least I think he was.  He said something about my blog.  That’s encouraging, right?  I sent him a link to it because he’d never seen it.  And the more I thought about it after he went to bed, the more I thought that maybe I don’t need to be totally anonymous.  I had already set up the page for total strangers.

The reason for my anonymity once again ties into my anxiety.  That someone somewhere that already knew me was going to tell someone else who used to know me that I ranted about them online or something like that.  And they’d come burn down my house.  Or that I’d accidentally offend someone. Then I realized that the only one I’m probably really going to offend is my husband (would he REALLY be offended about me talking about his zest for meat?)

It’s been a tough couple of years.  Social anxiety manifests itself in different ways in different people.  For awhile I felt like everyone I ran into was either judging me or hating me.  Lately I tend to run from people because I either don’t remember their name (I’m allowed because I’m ADD dammit!) or because it’s really hard to be upbeat when people ask me if I’ve found a full-time job yet.  Let me share how I feel about my job search as of late.  Imagine me saying this is in a sing songy voice with a great big Cheshire cat grin:  “Why no, as a matter of fact I’ve run out of jobs to apply for because I suck so much that jobs I’ve put my resume in for have been reposted so they can hire someone else.  Rejection is SO FUN!”  And then all my teeth break from forcing the smile.

So naturally when people say “Hey you should blog” I think “What the hell is so interesting about my life?”  But I AM good with the written word.  If it weren’t for my ability to write, I probably really would be sad and not wise because I would be good at NOTHING.  Writing has gotten me some places.  I do believe I can bs my way through just about anything if I can write it down.  The only reason I made it into the music education program at Lord Valdemort College (the one that shall not be named, of course.  See what I did there?)  was because I had to write a paper to get in.  If I could do that then there may really be something to it.

And my Facebook friends like my blog.  Some have even said it’s funny.  And also some people not related to me like it.  That’s good.  That’s very good.  It’s good to have something to feel good about.

You like me, you really like me.  So I’ll keep it up.  I started a notebook of ideas of things I can blog about.  Once I lose the notebook we’ll see what happens.  I do have stories.  And I have kids.  And I’m ADD, which I’m told is actually a sign of being creative or something.  So keep reading.  And I’ll try really hard to keep giving you something to read.