Seven Things My Kids Have Taught Me About Halloween

I approached the Halloween season this year with a bit of excitement.  Then all of that died when I opened the container of Halloween stuff and found what could only have been what was left of a mini pumpkin all over my decorations.

For once, it wasn’t a mouse peeking out at me that ruined the moment.  It was just plain gross.  So I hauled the foam pumpkins and what I could salvage out of the container upstairs, and that was about it.  I pretty much gave up on decorating.  I was frustrated.  And poking around on Pinterest at all of the seemingly perfect things that others have pinned that they have supposedly done was seriously bumming me out.

(Remember, my life resembles Craft Fail more than Pinterest…)

Then over the next couple of weeks as I helped my kids with their costumes and watched them getting excited for Halloween, I realized that it really doesn’t have anything to do with how perfect and “Martha Stewart-like” everything is in your life.  Halloween is about the kids!  As it turns out, having my kids has taught me some important lessons about special occasions in general.

I played with some of the pictures I have taken this year to make this list, there being seven things counting the picture at the top. The irony here is that I made them in “pinnable” type pictures.  This isn’t because I necessarily want them on Pinterest, I just like how they look.  I like squares… and borders on my pictures…

So as Halloween arrives and we prepare for class parties, costume parades, and trick or treating, I’m trying to give myself a break.  I may not have a perfect house full of perfect stuff, but what I do have are some wonderful memories to last a lifetime…  Take that, Martha Stewart!

Halloween Whine With Lots of (Cheap) Cheese

I happened to be on Facebook today (imagine that) and saw a costume that made me think “That’s awesome” and “How I miss those days when I actually got to dress up and have fun on Halloween!”

And of course I just had to share…

I don’t actually have permission to use the image, so I’m asking you to first pretend that I’m wearing this as a costume, then you can click on the link and see it for yourself…

http://www.instructables.com/id/Box-of-Wine-Costume/

Right?  Wine in a box?  Is that not brilliant?  You can bring your wine right with you!  And then you talk someone into dressing as cheese.  Get it?

Speaking of cheese, this got me to thinking about my post about cheap costumes from last year.  It was pretty good.  I even laughed as I read it.  I forgot that this is where “Tie-Dye Girl” came from, therefore it’s a classic.

I revamped it a little bit and decided to add it on right here so you don’t even have to leave this page to read it (even though you had to sort of leave the page to look at the wine in a box costume.) Isn’t that nice of me?

Halloween Costumes for The Broke, Lazy, And Uninspired

So it’s October, it’s almost Halloween, and you need (or even WANT) to dress up for Halloween.  But you’re broke, or busy, or lazy, or uninspired, or maybe even all of these things.  You’re in luck-I just happen to keep having all kinds of ideas for Halloween costumes!  These are one step above cutting holes in your white sheet and being a ghost (or a kleenex).  Aren’t you glad you have me to help you out?

Will you get rocks in your trick or treat bag if you dress as the Charlie Brown ghost for Halloween?  If you really want to take the time to do it, the tutorial for this is also on Instructables.com

1.  Nudist-Take off all your clothes.  You can also do a variation of this and yell “We’re going streaking!” over and over like in Old School, and be a streaker.  Note:  This probably isn’t such a good idea in colder climates.  Or places where police will be patrolling.  Or places where children will be present.  Or other people will be present, period.

2.  Jack of All Trades-Find a bunch of hats.  Put them all on at once.  Get it?

3.  Person Who Just Got Up-Get out of bed.  Don’t comb your hair. Stay in your pjs.  May not work well for people who sleep in their undies or in the nude (then a different costume may be for you-see #1 or #6).

4.  Poop-Dress in head to toe brown.  Try to get people to guess who you are, like telling them you really stink.  I don’t advise trying to make it smell authentic, because that’s just gross.  Oh yeah, I guess you could be chocolate, too.  Feel free to add scent to that.

5.  Laundry-If you have one of those cheap round laundry baskets sitting around, cut a hole in the bottom just big enough to wiggle yourself in.  Stuff some laundry around yourself.  Now here’s the dilemna-are you clean laundry or dirty laundry?  Clean laundry is nice-you could add dryer sheets and smell extra good.  I think it would work especially well if you happen to have a fever, because it would be just like the laundry came out of the dryer, right?

6.  Superhero-If you have a blanket that can be a cape, tie it around your neck.  What you wear with it and use as props determines what superhero you are.  Don an apron and rubber gloves-you’re Super Dishwasher!  I personally like Captain Undergarments myself.  A mask just adds to the effect…

7.  Clean Person-Wrap a towel around yourself and put a shower cap on.  Carry a bottle of shower gel, a loofah, a shower poof, you get the picture.  Wearing stuff under the towel is optional, but make sure that towel is secure!  I just happen to have a new shower head that we haven’t installed yet-oh the possibilities are endless with this one!

See? My kids already know the art of the cheap costume and they don’t even know it!

8.  Bag Lady-We all seem to have those reusable grocery bags laying around (if you don’t, I’m sending the environment police after you!)  Get a bunch.  Carry them.

9. Mom Like Me-Don’t sleep the night before.  Don’t do your hair.  Wear a wrinkled top and yoga pants.  Carry a coffee cup.  Talk in incoherent sentences.  Bonus if you can get a child to wrap themself around your leg.  (No offense to most parents who actually have their act together, this is just me on a normal day.)

10.  Target Employee-Have a red shirt?  Khaki pants?  You could probably find a nametag template somewhere, but again, remember that this may require a little work.  You’ll have to be really nice and helpful, because remember you work at Target, not Walmart.

11.  Art-Find a big picture frame.  Take out the glass and backing so you just have the frame.  Carry it with you and hold it up so you’re like someone in a painting.  It’s art, so you can do whatever you want.

12.  Fan Club-Find two small fans.  Make a sign that says something positive like “We’re you’re biggest fans” and attach it to yourself.  What would be even better?  Have a partner and you can follow them around as his or her very own fan club.  Unless it’s someone dressed as Charlie Sheen, I don’t think he has any fans anymore.

13.  Fashion Police-Find a whistle.  Dress in what you consider fashionable.  Make a badge of some sort.  Blow your whistle whenever you see things like people wearing white shoes after Labor Day.

So see, you’ll never be without ideas for costumes as long as I am around.  I’m the queen of lame costumes, as you can see…

Protecting the earth from evil by dying them hideous shades of tie-dye! Look up in the sky, it’s a peacock, it’s a rainbow, it’s TIE-DYE GIRL!

Twisted Mixtape Tuesday: Songs From the Big Scare

This week’s theme for Twisted Mixtape Tuesday is “scary songs”. 

I don’t like scary things.  Ask my husband.  I don’t like anything unexpected.  Don’t sneak up on me, because I’ll just pee my pants and everybody knows that’s not funny…

But I do like Halloween.  As a matter of fact I LOVE Halloween.  Just not the scary part.  Everything else about it is great!

This, like most of my music posts, is just for fun.  No stress, right?  Here’s some “sort of in their own way” scary songs just for you:

 

I can’t NOT start out this mix without sharing this song…

Somebody’s Watching Me-Rockwell

I’ve never seen this movie.  I want to. I have always wanted to participate in a midnight showing in costume.  I’m probably too old, but by golly it would be fun!

The Time Warp-Rocky Horror Picture Show

This video is disturbing.  So disturbing that it’s scary!

Please Don’t Leave Me-Pink

And this song features one of the scariest band members ever.  Yet since we’ve heard them talk, he’s also the only person in the group posessing a brain?

Stupid Girl-Cold

What’s a scary mix without a song with the word “zombie” in it.  My husband loves this song.  I think it’s scary how it bores into your brain.  In your head, in your head, in your head head head…

Zombie-The Cranberries

What songs would you put in a scary mix?  Would you add songs that are truly scary, or just things that might have something scary about them?  Make up your mix and add to the list at My Skewed View!

Weekly Wrap-Up: The Shortest One Ever Edition

I don’t usually get my picture taken and actually share it, because I hate how they turn out. Despite my yellow teeth, messy hair, and double chin this isn’t a bad picture.  But gosh darn it, that little girl sure is cute…

This weekend I went tailgating so am fairly late sharing my wrap-up.  It was a good time, and as you can see from the above picture I even had a camera with a charged battery AND the memory card in it.

AND this will be the shortest post I have EVER written…

It was a busy week for me as well at work as well as on my blog.

Monday Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Purse (at Target)  Got weird dreams?  I sure do…

Tuesday Twisted Mixtape Tuesday:  We Got Spirit, Yes We Do  A rather last minute but fun Twisted Mixtape Tuesday.

Thursday  Meltdowns…Reviewed  I got the exciting opportunity to read and review a book!  If you have ever had or have been close to having one of THOSE moments, this book, The Mother of All Meltdowns,  is for you!

Friday  The Evolution of a Halloween Costume  If you are a parent, do you make your kids’ costumes?  I try to every year.  It’s interesting how kids’ costumes can evolve from their original form when mom is in charge of putting it all together!

Best Stuff This Week

I love celebrating my friends accomplishments! Did you know that Menopausal Mother is the newest staff writer on In the Powder Room?  I love the fact that this great group continues to add top notch writers and has formed such a diverse bunch of ladies!

Another friend of mine, Karen from Baking in a Tornado had her Apple Pie Shotini featured on Felicity Huffman’s What The Flicka?  I think it looks a perfect drink for fall, don’t you?

Some Halloween themed posts this week included:

Finding Ninee It’s Halloween I Don’t Want To Be A Wonder Woman Skank.

My Skewed View on Halloween with food allergies Snickers Melt in Your Mouth and Then Kill You

Mommy is For Real Why I Always Wear Cat Ears on Halloween.

Left Brain Buddha Trick or Treat:  My Motherhood Journey in Nine Halloweens

And don’t forget the Laugh Til You Pee Your Pants Halloween Party is still going on too!

Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

Other than “dying frog” I got nuttin’.

Next Week

For the first time in I don’t know how long I do not have anything scheduled any place else or have anything pressing on my blog.  Hmmmm… what to do, what to do?  It IS Halloween week, so I expect to be busy!

Or maybe I’ll just take my cat’s advice and relaaaaaax… Yes he actually was sleeping like this!

The Evolution of a Halloween Costume

This year my feeling on Halloween costumes remains unchanged.  If I can make it cheap or find it cheap, it works. I just hate paying much for costumes unless it’s an unbelievable deal, simply because I have a hard time with the idea of purchasing something that may be worn once.  When I was a kid we usually had homemade costumes that could be worn as something else later like pajamas.  To this day I still love that idea!

Last year’s costumes. I did buy his because I found one super cheap. We took the extra step of making it light up.

The Professor has a timeline of different costumes that he is going to wear for Halloween from now until he turns 32.  Every year a superhero, every year a different one.  Last year he was Iron Man.  At the same time he chose that costume, he announced his candidacy for Batman for the following year.

I really didn’t want to buy a costume again this year.  All of the promises that he would use it for pretend play didn’t happen.  So I’m trying to go a different route, figuring I’d make the cape and find him things he could use again.  However, finding a long-sleeve Batman shirt in the right size was a little difficult!  I finally found him a long sleeved shirt that had thermal sleeves.  How do you cover up thermal sleeves?  You make a cape with sleeves, that’s how!  Here is the link to the pattern we ended up using:  http://www.vanillajoy.com/the-nearly-no-sew-batman-cape.html

I found instructions on a number of sites on how to make a Batman symbol and mask out of felt, and how to make a utility belt out of yellow duct tape.  In the end I actually spray painted a cat mask that I found in the Hobby Lobby clearance!  I used a roll of the tape and an empty fettucine box to make a rather cool utility belt.  I even made a bat light.  And yes, loyal batman fans, I realize that batman wasn’t the one that actually used the bat light.  Details, details…

He’s a pretty cute batman…

And then there was the other child, the one that changes her mind every 28 seconds about her costume.  At least until she came up with this idea last month:

“Mommy, I want to be a dancing flower for Halloween.”

“A flower?  Like a flower around your head flower?”

“Yes.  A dancing flower.”

So we googled “homemade flower costume”.  I can tell you this, that flower costumes range from the adorable to “what does this have to do with a flower”?

She kept looking at the baby costumes.  I reminded her that she is not a baby.

Image used with permission from Coolest Homemade Costumes.

We finally found one that seemed to be the closest to what we were envisioning.  It was on a website called Coolest Homemade Costumes, as seen in the image above.   I found a green shirt with sparkles, and coordinating material.

Shirt from Wal-mart and material to make a tutu from JoAnn Fabrics!

As it got closer to the time where she needed the costume, I started to panic.  I have PTSD from first grade and therefore am totally paralyzed with fear when it came to the head part of the costume.

Huh?

In my first grade class I had to play a flower in Mary Mary Quite Contrary’s garden.  Whoever made the tops had to be a person who loved inflicting pain upon small children.  That part of the costume was so heavy it weighed my head down and cut into my chin.  I can close my eyes and feel that stupid flower on my head.

Somehow I convinced her that perhaps a crown was better.  Then I came home a few days later and found her watching Sixteen Candles (I guess she’d been watching 101 Dalmations on ABC Family and Dad just never changed the channel, I guess it could have been worse).  You know the wedding scene at the end where all of the bridesmaids have flower crowns?  She was sold.  Easy peasy.  We were now a “Dancing Flower Princess” complete with a homemade hippie girl floral crown!

Our beautiful dancing flower princess, crooked crown and all!

I can’t take credit for any of the sewing on either of the costumes, my mom is really good at sewing and volunteered her services.  She ended up making the cape and the tutu.  I stuck to the things that were more my speed-the non-sewing parts.

I will offer one word of caution if you are thinking about making a sparkly tutu:  the sparkles come off.  I am not kidding!  By the time we were done with her costume it had looked like we either had a glitter fight or had invited a bunch of strippers over for lunch.  There were sparkles EVERYWHERE!  On the floor, on the furniture, all over me and my mom.  I went into work to get something and my boss looked at me and said “Do you know you’re sparkly?”  Why yes, yes I do.  As a matter of fact, Monday was the first opportunity to show off their costumes at the library, where the kids decorated pumpkins in their costumes. Apparently she still had plenty of sparkles to lose-the library was also quite glittery in the aftermath…

Why is that?  To quote the great philosopher…

Did you make your kids’ Halloween costumes this year or did you buy them?  Any stories you’d like to share?

Meltdowns… Reviewed

Crap.  I wish I was in a book, besides the phone book.

Did you hear the news?  Crystal Ponti of Mommifried gathered together some terrifically talented bloggers to write a compilation!  Isn’t that exciting?  I thought so, especially since I know several of the ladies that are in it!

But hey, this isn’t just any anthology.  This is a book about that point.  The adult version of a tantrum.  Something that I have referred to in the past as a “hissy fit”.  An incident that I’m sure I’ve had in the past, but the details are blurry because I’ve most likely repressed it to the deepest darkest corners of my little mind.

Ironically, after I wrote those words this very week that I am publishing this review, I had a meltdown of my very own. Only mine was in private where there were no witnesses.  I sat in my car and bawled my eyes out and thought for sure there for a little while there that my whole world was going to come crashing down.  My trigger?  Not really any specific thing, other than maybe PMS, lack of sleep, crabby kids, and my sixth sense alarming me to the fact that it was going to snow.  In October.  Not cool…

I just had to share that.

This is what the book would like look, if I had one.  I have the lovely PDF version.  It’s REALLY hard to turn the pages (ha ha)!

So what about this book?

Why should you read this book? So you too can have that “meltdown connection” with people just like me and you!  Because we all have those moments, because we are all HUMAN (unless you are an extraterrestrial who is reading my blog, then kindly disregard that remark.)  Here is a little tease of some of stories in the book:

Lisa Witherspoon of The Golden Spoons reveals how her first mommy meltdown occurred just hours before she even became a mommy.  She also sums up some of the most epic celebrity meltdowns of all time.

Danielle Herzog of Martinis and Minivans discloses how being in denial of being pregnant can make you look like a shoplifter.

Jen Kehl of My Skewed View and Raised on the Radio finds out what happens when you give your spare dryer to a deconstructionist (and the title of this one got me singing Annie Lennox…)

Dana Hemelt of Kiss My List discovers that there really is crying at Disneyworld, as well as provides a handy manual of what to do to recover from your epic meltdown.

Melissa Swedowski of Home on Deranged includes a practical guide on what to do if you are faced with a meltdown of your very own (I took notes), and spins a harrowing yarn of her “food emergency” while pregnant and out with an impatient (and hungry) nine month old.

Debra Cole of Urban Moo Cow relives the time that a hat set her off.  It’s usually unmatched socks that do me in!

Kristi Campbell of Finding Ninee shares that perhaps “soccer tots” is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Rachel Demas of Tao of Poop gave me an earworm with her unplanned rendition of “Turn the Crib Around…” (Think Gloria Estefan… YES!  Got the earworm now?)  A bonus story doles out excellent advice when dealing with a child taken from her experiences in the “trenches” of elementary school.

Norinne Dworkin-McDaniel of Science of Parenthood explains what exactly Lego Stress Land is.  And shockingly it has nothing to do with stepping on legos without protection!

Janine Huldie of Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyholic and J9 Designs reveals the boiling point at which having nonfunctioning a/c plus small children is especially maddening when Play-doh is added.

Karen Blessing of Baking in a Tornado tells the tale of when her son got in trouble with the video feature on his phone, though not in the way that one might necessarily expect.

Chris Carter of The Mom Cafe recalls the time that multitasking failed her when it came to finished grilled cheese sandwiches.

Marcia Kester Doyle of Menopausal Mother shows the stress relief benefits that a bag of powdered sugar can provide!

Look at this face… surely you don’t believe that we have had our share of tantrums of the child kind here at this house…

Like other blogger anthologies, I not only enjoyed stories by my beloved favorites, but also introduced me to quite a few bloggers that I hadn’t yet had the pleasure of reading!  This book features a total of thirty stories.  If you do the math, oh, never mind…  Let’s just say that’s an unbelievable amount of talent in one place.  So much that if I tried to share something from each one this post would be terribly long.  Regardless, I want to make sure that everyone involved is mentioned.  I included links to everyone’s blog.  You know, because you want to visit EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!  😉

Anne Marie Gubenko of Tidbits from the Queen of Chaos
Alexa B of No Holding Back
C. Lee Reed of Helicopter Mom and Just Plane Dad
Natasha Peter of Epic Mommy Adventures
Tamara Bowman of Tamara (Like) Camera
Rabia Lieber of The Liebers
Nicole Goodman of Work in Sweats Mama
Michelle Nahom of A Dish of Daily Life
Ginnie Marie of Lemon Drop Pie
Stephanie Farley of Crayon Marks and Tiger Stripes
Melissa Galileo of Completely Eclipsed
Jennifer Barbour of Another Jennifer
Angela Keck of Writer Mom’s Blog
Marie Bollman of Make Your Own Damn Dinner
Jennifer West of PinkWhen
Andrea Moore of BeQuoted
Kristin Daukas of Four Hens and a Rooster

To learn more about the book visit The Mother of All Meltdowns, the website.  And coming soon, The Mother of All Meltdowns, the action figures! (Yeah I totally made that last part up, but wouldn’t that be super cool?)

So what are you waiting for?  Don’t walk, RUN to your nearest computer and GET THIS BOOK!  Oh wait, you probably are already in front of a computer if you’re reading this!

I was not compensated in any way to write this review, unless you count that whole good karma coming my way thing…  However if you really liked my review I DO like dark chocolate and wine…

I found this picture oddly appropriate for this post…

I reviewed another book once.  I can’t believe I was permitted to do one again.  Read my review of I Just Want To Pee Alone, complete with questionable pictures of me reading next to my toilet here.

Twisted Mixtape Tuesday: We Got Spirit Yes We Do

This week’s Twisted Mixtape Tuesday theme:  Spiritual Songs.

Jen could use some spirit, but I’m not sure if she needs some prayer or more of the cheerleading type due to the horrible blog issues she’s had to endure as of late.  This week she’s in a temporary (blog) location, hopefully things will be resolved by next week. I changed the address in the button at the top so you should go to the right place when you click on it.

I wonder why she chose that theme?  Could it be because she has her very own performer at home who is now famous on YouTube with his rendition of The Devil Went Down To Georgia?  I think so…

(By the way Jen, I totally want his autograph.)

I felt really bad for not playing along last week.  I wasn’t really feeling the them, and what it brought to mind.  Do you REALLY want to hear how I feel about Handel’s Messiah?  Maybe in a few weeks…

That’s neither here nor there, anyway.

After much thought I think I put together something that in a really, roundabout, bizarre way is kind of spiritual.  So I used my very scientific method of adding whatever comes to mind.  You’re off the hook from hearing songs such as “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life“, because I just used it.  Annnnnnnyway…

Whenever I think of anything that is spiritual, I think of this, everything single time.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot-Johnny Cash 

It IS a “spiritual”, after all.

I love love love love love this next song by Josh Turner and that voice of his!  He’s not bad to look at either…

Long Black Train-Josh Turner

I’ve always liked this song, I’m particularly fond of this version.  I’m not sure how religious it really is, but it has the word hallelujah in it… so it counts, right?

Hallelujah-Rufus Wainwright

Another song I adore, sung by a friend that I adore.  Rascal Flatts has nothing on this guy!  I apologize for the fact that this link doesn’t work like the other ones.

God Bless the Broken Road-Marcus Collins (of The Texas Tenors)

https://myspace.com/marcusmusicforthemasses/music/song/god-bless-the-broken-road-15597794

And what would a music compilation about songs having to do with spirtiuality be without this song:

Faith-George Michael

There you have it, that’s as spiritual as I’m going to get this week.  Now next week, that’s the one I’m waiting for.  SCARY SONGS!  Woo-hoo!  Don’t forget to follow the link at the top to listen to what other bloggers shared!

Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My…Purse (At Target)

This weekend I have been busily preparing for a library event that will occur on Monday afternoon.  There is no school in our district tomorrow, and since we are trying to hold more programs when there are early outs and no school, I devised this idea of having a day of “fall fun”.  I told kids to BYOP-Bring Your Own Pumpkin-to decorate.  There will also be hot apple cider in my crockpot, some crafts, some little games, and kids are allowed to wear their costumes.  Fun, right?

I am freaking out.

I have no idea what kind of turn out there will be and whether or not we will be able to keep them occupied.  When I obsess over things, I tend to a) Not sleep at all b) Have bizarre dreams c)  Sleep some and have bizarre dreams when I do sleep.

I have a feeling I’ll be having some sort of weird dream or two tonight.  And in anticipation of that I started putting together a post of dreams.  After I have weird dreams I write down what I remember in a draft here on WordPress.  As I looked through my site, I saw I had quite a few drafts.  I figured that I hadn’t written about any of my weirdo dreams in quite a while.  Those of you who have followed my blog for quite some time may recall that yeah, I have had some dreams that are pretty freaky!

What kind of dreams?  Well, for example, earlier this year in an obvious attempt by my psyche to prepare for the CMT Awards (which I didn’t watch) I had a dream about Blake Shelton.

Ok you horndogs, not THAT kind of dream…

For those of you who are new to my blog, this is the part where you will probably want to stop following me and run and hide lest you let people know that you follow a weirdo like me.

So for you who are not too afraid to keep reading here is a brief synopsis of the dream:

I dreamed that Blake Shelton was married to Sandra Bullock.  They moved here and bought a farm near me. Then they adopted a girl from China and enrolled her at the preschool that I worked at. Only it wasn’t a preschool, yet it WAS a preschool, in a Kmart.

I only hesitated to share this previously because I am deathly afraid of Miranda Lambert coming here and bashing my head in with her guitar.  She could totally do that because I’m convinced that she’s somehow related to Christopher Lambert…

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed that I had to go to my child’s elementary school with my husband. In my pajamas. When I returned home, I saw that my cat was missing part of her tail.  It was gone-chopped off.  I started bawling.  “My poor cat!”  I cried as a stepped into my living room group shower. All the while tornado sirens were going off.  The sky was black.  But you know I had to take that shower RIGHT THEN.

(You’d really think that whole living room shower thing would have made me realize that “Hey, this is a DREAM!”  Nope.  I never realize it until I wake up.)

I’ve also had dreams that involved me traveling around with a cat in my purse and going to someone’s house and leaving with one of their shoes and one of my shoes on my feet.

If my psyche really does have something to say, here are some facts according to my dreams:

All roads lead to Target (I really do have a lot of dreams about Target, it’s kind of disturbing when you think about it.)

Tony Stark is an excellent dancer.  We also volunteer together on a regular basis (Don’t ask, I don’t get it either.)

Toilets are only in the middle of rooms.

School and work are places that I am always going but never actually get to.  However, a lot of times I wind up at Target.  Shocker.

Random celebrities help me break into buildings.

Veterinarians drive “veterinarian vans” that are fully furnished on the inside.  Yes, at Target.

Hidden trap doors are common escape routes in your house.

My husband is going to find out that deep dark secret that apparently I keep under the pillow in my bedroom.

Nudity is not the exception to the rule, even at Target.

What kind of weird dreams do YOU have?  Are celebrities involved?  I’d love to hear all about it…

Is she going to have bizarre dreams like me when she grows up?

The Weekly Wrap-Up: The Batamax Edition

Once? I feel I’ve been there for awhile…

I Did Stuff This Week

Monday  I joined the cool kids over at Raised on The Radio with  I Go Back, Way Back

Wednesday  I Neglected My Toes on My Anniversary and Other Not So Interesting Stories I recounted our special weekend, gross toenails and all.

Thursday  I reblogged Pumpkin Carving: Squash Murder or Decorative Glee for your reading pleasure.  Or displeasure, depending on how much you like pumpkins.

Friday October 2013 Fly on the Wall:  The Big Dork Edition  Are you a great big dork?  You may appreciate this one.

What I Loved on the Internets This Week

I’ve been kind of sort of absent,due to multiple things going on at work and then having company this weekend so I haven’t done a lot of reading, but one post positively made me laugh so hard I had to cross my legs.  You may or may not have seen Maria Kang’s controversial picture about fitness.  Regardless of what you think about it, this is FUNNY!  Hilarious bloggers joined together with Susan of The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva to share what their excuses were on Here’s my excuse (and a bunch of others too) since you asked, Maria Kang

Best and Most Disturbing Search Terms

Movies on batamax  This is my new favorite search term, because what else would batman watch movies on…

refrigerator college I am so so glad that people are looking for refrigerator college and coming to my blog.  Really.

And just some terms that I just have no words for…

Why are there no squirrels in sweden

Chocolate and your poop

Funny computer square eyes

puncuation people

preachers that misbehave

Why does it feel like my hair is on fire when I’m smoking crack

Next Week

I will be recounting the Halloween journey in my post The Evolution of a Halloween Costume, I’ll be reviewing the book The Mother of All Meltdowns, and talking about some more of the reeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally weird dreams that I have in Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My… Purse.  I might do some other stuff too, you just never know…

And just one more thing…

In the spirit of Halloween, Moms Who Write and Blog are having a party, a Laugh Till You  Pee Your Pants Party.  I may have mentioned it a bit this past week.  If you like funny pictures, please join us on Facebook by clicking the link!

October 2013 Fly on the Wall: The Big Dork Edition

Welcome to this month’s edition of Fly on the Wall! Today 14 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my house!  When you’re done buzzing and getting into my poop, be sure to check out the posts by other bloggers by clicking on one (or two, or thirteen!) of the links at the bottom.

I want to apologize in advance for the short length of this post.  Ok, it’s short for ME, anyway.  There have been about 5,726 times that funny things have been said lately in or around this house.  Only a handful of times have I had the brains to stop and write it down.  And my memory isn’t so good these days.  As a matter of fact, I had to consult with my Facebook statuses to remember what HAD been said. So I am putting my right hand over my heart and my left hand on my copy of You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth (because I’m not sure where my bible is) and hereby solemnly swearing to do a better job of capturing funniness for next month!

We’re trying on our cold weather gear so I know what we need to keep our eyes out for at the thrift stores.The Princess tries on her pink peace symbol jacket with the fake sherpa lining., which sadly is too small.

“It’s too tight,” she says with a frown, and starts to take it off. “The white stuff on the inside is soooo soft though.”

Me: “Yes, like a sheep, huh?”

The Princess: “No, like cottage cheese, except without all that wet stuff.”

Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr OUT!

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The Professor came walking in with a notebook.  “This is my new book to sketch in.”  He announces.  He opened and exclaimed “Hey there are coupons in here!”

I cautioned him to not get too excited and check the dates.  “They’re all expired!  These are from 2010!” He exclaimed, obviously disappointed.

“That’s because a lot of those old notebooks are from when your dad was in college.”

There was a pause.  Then The Princess chimed in “DADDY WENT TO COLLEGE????”

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And now it is time for a haiku:

there is a hole in
the butt of my yoga pants
sadness fills my day

I know, don’t quit my day job…

Oh…I got new hair. It looked like that for at least 5 hours too!

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The Princess: “I think daddy needs to rebuild our basement.”

Me:  “Why?”

“Because it’s creepy and I don’t like it down there.”

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I actually remembered to pick up the Sunday paper this weekend. I handed the Fleet Farm Toy Land insert to The Professor, who instantly went crazy. He and his sister spent the evening circling everything they wanted in the catalog.

The Professor: “I hope you don’t mind, but I circled a grenade launcher in here.”

Because every kid needs a grenade launcher, right?

As I perused it later, I see that he also circled the safety goggles to go with it…

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The Professor said something to which Evil Genius replied with some sort of sarcastic remark.

“Heyyyyy….” said The Princess, “Is that starcasm?”

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The Princess:  “Mommy I will always always always love you.  Even when I’m 29.”

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The Professor comes walking out of the bathroom, holding his fingers in the Vulcan greeting position.  “In Vulcan this means live long and prosper.  But in English, it means you’re a great big dork.”

The Professor doing what he loves…

Hey!  Where are you going?  Get back here right now!  Now, click on some of these links and see what the poop is happening at their houses!

http://BakingInATornado.com     Baking In A Tornado

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/   Just a Little Nutty

http://followmehome.shellybean.com     Follow me home

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/  Menopausal Mother

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/  Moore Organized Mayhem

http://www.theinsomniacsdream.com/ The Insomniac’s Dream    

http://themomisodes.com/  The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/  Spatulas on Parade

http://www.therowdybaker.com  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.trashyblog.com/  Trashy Blog

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com   Dates 2 Diapers

http://sorrykidblog.com/  Sorry kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others