Empire | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Welcome to Take One of June’s Secret Subject Swaps. This week, 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

George Lucas just called you–he knows you are a HUGE Star Wars fan, and he tells you he is tweaking one of his older movies. He wants to cast YOU in the film as a new character, and lets you choose the movie and the type of character you would be. Tell us your role and how it would change the movie.

It was submitted by: http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

Disclaimer: I’ve been under a lot of stress due to neck, head, and back pain, therefore affecting my writing. Read with caution. I am not responsible for pants peed from laughing or followers running away and screaming and never coming back to my blog again. There, you’ve been warned. Now keep reading if you’re not too scared to do so…

What else do you do with the death star but make a death star bra?

It is with great pleasure that I write using this prompt, because 1) I am a huge fan of the original movies. 2) Marcia Doyle aka Menopausal Mother is a good friend of mine and
3) Anyone could play the part of Anakin Skywalker better than Hayden Christiansen, including me.

Today I will be enacting the second subplot within Return of the Jedi, also known as the worst of the original trilogy and the movie “with all those teddy bear looking things.” If you aren’t familiar with the Star Wars movies, or maybe you are, you might want to access this quick tutorial of the original movie before you read on…

Obviously I would have to be a shapely redhead with big blue eyes and mad typing skills. I’d play Red Solo, Han Solo’s first cousin seventeen times removed. But since it’s the Star Wars universe, and we can’t be too obvious that she’s a Solo we have to give her a pseudonym. It can’t be anything normal, it would have to be something like Fon Doo, Lap Dans, or Shasta Windbreaker. I like Shasta, we’ll go with that.

Shasta Windbreaker is the key to the entire Star Wars universe. She’s the assistant to the Emperor’s assistant. No one knows that she is a double agent. She’s actually a member of PMS-a secret order of Jedi that Darth Vader did not find and destroy during the Clone Wars. She organizes a resistance within the Empire luring Imperials over by bribing them with cookies.

Along with her droid 3M and her handsome but dumb companion Duh Mahn, she sets out to destroy the Empire from the inside out.

What she doesn’t know though is that her fellow PMSer Lady Vagisil has gone to the dark side and is planning on exposing their whole plan. She and her accomplice, Saran Rapp, are secretly organizing the PMS army of jedis to strike against the good guys. She also bakes better cookies, and therefore manages to lure the people that had just been lured to Shasta’s side back to her side. So poor Shasta is left without anyone on her side other than Duh Mahn, who is just not a smart guy.

Determined to complete her mission, Shasta and Duh make plans to leave the Imperial Cruiser They attempt to leave by taking their ship, The Flatulent Penguin, but quickly realize that the ship is unable to fly very far. Apparently Duh has a knack of picking bad spaceships. Several previous ones that he has purchased, including The Fat Emu and The Frolicking Platypus, didn’t pan out either for some reason. So instead they have to stow away on an Imperial Carnival Cruise Ship.

As they quickly discover it’s a tramp… I mean trap!

Our heroes are quickly discovered by the PMSers. Lady Vagisil decided to put an end to Shasta once for all by challenging her to a karoake sing off. The songs? “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” by REM, “Informer” by Snow, and “The Morning After” by Maureen McGovern. As Shasta goes up to sing, Lady Vagisil tries to choke her death with her Sith chokehold. It’s Duh to the rescue. He runs onstage with a folding chair and knocks her off the stage with it.

A duel to the death with foot long corndogs ensues. There is ketchup, there is mustard, but there is no mercy!

In the end, Shasta spares Lady Vagisil’s life. But why? WHY would she do such a thing?

Because Lady Vagisil is really… Princess Leia’s siamese twin sister, Lola Skywalker. They were joined at the feet, but were separated at birth. Shasta was able to sense this with her super force senses and underwear that glows whenever a member of the Skywalker family is present. Of course what really gave it away was the croissants on her head.

Having decided to go to the lighter side, Lady Vagisil and Shasta join forces to help finish the Empire once and for all. But before they can even leave the cruise ship, breaking news is broadcast on the Cruise News Channel. The Emperor and Lord Vader are dead, the Death Star is destroyed, the Empire is defeated, and the whole galaxy is cordially invited to a weenie roast on the forest moon of Endor.

On Endor she crosses paths with her distantly related cousin. She sees him and nods. He says, “Wassup?” (The Solos have never been known for being very affectionate.)

However, after a long talk, she and Han decide to go into the disposable cup business together so that Leia can stay home and take care of all of the Ewoks they ended up adopting. Now you know where Solo Cups really come from.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there: