November 2014 Fly on the Wall: The Extremely Random Edition

For those of you that read this monthly, you know what this post is all about…

For those of you that might be first-timers, let me explain what this is.  Fly on the Wall is a collection of snippets from everyday life that by themselves wouldn’t make a whole post.  Participating bloggers all post simultaneously, because the more the merrier!  You not only get to read my randomness, but other people’s fun as well.  Stay tuned at the bottom of this post for links to other Fly on the Wall posts.

Let’s face it, my life is a bunch of random snippets, folks.  Without further ado, let me present the mostly adult quotes I’ve collected this month.  It’s not that my children aren’t funny these days, it’s just that the adults have had more unusual things to say lately.

But first we have the mandatory Halloween photo:

Princess Hello Kitty and Minecraft’s Super Steve. A lot of swearing went into making that Steve head.

Me: “Thanks for the kiss before you left this morning”
Evil Genius: “I gave you a kiss before I left?”
Me: “Yes”
Evil Genius: “Are you sure it was me?”
Me: “Who else would it be?”
Evil Genius: “I don’t know, but that doesn’t sound like me at all.”

Me: “Oh forget it! Just go back to your own little world over there!”
Evil Genius: “You have it wrong. It’s a big world, just very low population density!”

Jack-o-Lantern Pizza. Apparently it’s a tradition now.

Evil Genius: (spitting into the sink) “I don’t know where all that hair in my mouth came from”
Me: “Maybe your beard is growing inward.”
Evil Genius: “Really? Are you telling me I have an In-grown beard?”

The kids desperately wanted to carve a pumpkin. Or rather, they wanted someone ELSE to carve it. Nonsense-dad put them to work pulling out the guts.

Evil Genius’s female coworker: “Men sometimes don’t get the non verbal communication.”
Evil Genius: “No no, we get it! We just choose to ignore it.”

We had just finished watching the movie Chef.
Evil Genius: “What was that movie about?”
Me: “It was about the relationship between him and his son.  It was like Real Steel, only without giant robots.”

The Professor ran his first official 5K with dad. He ran all but about ten blocks of it!

While the Professor had a pretty good time of it, I did not.  A couple of blocks in I slipped on loose gravel and fell hard, skidding across the pavement.  I got back up and kept going, but ended up finishing fourth from the end.  I discovered later that I’d taken all the skin off of one knee and was bleeding.  Not my best moment-since then I’ve tried to get back into things.  I just downloaded the Couch to 5K app and hope to start on that next week.  We shall see!

So I went back red. It’s hard to tell just how red in this picture, but I assure you it’s very pretty.

Things overheard in my house recently:

“VETO! No one is duct taping anyone!”

“My eyes hurt having heard that.”

“Never season angry!”

“Will you get that pizza off your head?”

“I have not yet lost my superpower, my ability to determine obscure roles by actors you’ve never heard of.”

I went to the doctor this past month and she was completely honest with me.  She told me I was seriously depressed.  I’m working on getting better, but unfortunately I have a long way to go.  I have several posts just gathering dust in my inbox as I try to put the right words in them so that they can be published.  Anything coming out of this brain these days isn’t exactly publish-worthy material-so I hope you enjoyed this post.

So getting through one day at a time. An Iron Man shirt makes every day better though.

But hey, forget about me and my issues-go check out the buzz in these other blogger’s abodes:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                          The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                          Follow me home

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                        Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                                 Battered Hope

http://dinoheromommy.com/                         Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                   Someone Else’s Genius 

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com                     Crumpets and Bollocks

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                          Juicebox Confession

http://www.risanye.com                                              Risa Nye

http://www.gomamao.com                                    Go Mamma O

Touring the World One Word At A Time

If I only could write something…

Struggling to write something amusing is tough when you’ve got the blues, yo.

I’ve been dealing with a major depressive episode for months.  It’s not going away, it’s not getting better, and there are some days when I pretty much hate myself.  And blah blah blah.

But enough about me.  I got a chance to tour the world, and I think it’s pretty cool.

Marcia from Menopausal Mother tagged me in this fun little blogging game.  So maybe I DO have to tell a little more about me.  I had to answer these four simple questions and then choose three bloggers I love who will hopefully jump in and also answer the four questions and tag three bloggers they love and things of that nature.

If you’re a blogger, you know that there is no such thing as four simple questions…

1.  What am I working on?

Trying to find material that is interesting, relevant, and does not simply contain the words fart, butt, pee, poop… you see where this is going.  I live with two elementary schoolers who think that stuff is to die for.  Kids, they’re funny creatures, except when they’re not.

Currently I am working on getting to bed before 2 am most nights.  So far I am not successful.  I also might get published in something sometime soon… stay tuned for that.

2.  How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I am a mom who blogs, but I don’t feel that I really fall under the mommy blogger category.  I have a child who has some special needs (ADD, sensory issues, other stuff that may never be diagnosed), but I don’t really belong in that category either.  I do believe that we geek moms who like NASCAR are a rather unique social subgroup, don’t you?

Yeah I’m unique all right…

In other words, I don’t really belong anywhere, right?  Who’s with me?  Bloggers With No Niche, UNITE!

(I really like acronyms.  That’s totally a thing.)

3.  Why do I write what I do?

I originally started blogging as a way to write down my thoughts.  The thoughts weren’t so nice at first.  But as time went on I started writing with my own warped sense of humor.  And my humor is definitely not one size fits all, as I rediscover daily whenever I share something on Facebook.

Like this picture. I was rolling, dying when I saw this. I shared it on Facebook. Crickets. Do you get it????? Source unknown

So when I actually do write, I do it because something motivated me to write, or because someone made me do it.  You know who you are.  😉  I really do hope to get to a point where I will be able to write regularly again.  Because no brains.

4.  How does your writing process work?

I get an idea.  I find my phone.  I put that idea on the notes on my phone.  I forget I have an app for that.  Then I remember I have an app for that, and I stare at something I wrote and cannot fathom for the life of me what that was.

So my process isn’t exactly yielding a lot of product right now.  Maybe someday…

Who do I love?

Three bloggers that I love… This part was so hard because there are so many blogs that I love.  I wanted to choose three from that long list that are not as well known writers that I think deserve some extra attention from all of the famous people that I’m sure are going to come read this.

All The Everydays (the blog formerly known as Mama Schmama).  Jean and I share a similar sense of humor, not to mention that she is one of the nicest people on the planet.  I do really think that we are long lost sisters.  She claims that she is a stay-at-home mom and a former teacher in the about section of her blog,but I can tell you that as a mom you are also a teacher all day long every day.  She’s not fooling anyone!  🙂  Please go over and check her out!

Sarah’s Brand New Chapter The one and only Miss Sarah Balding is a fellow Sarah, librarian, and geek.  She is definitely on the list of bloggers I want to meet someday!  I love her writing and feel that if we lived closer to each other, we’d hang out regularly.  Maybe even at the library.  Stop over, say hi, and read some of her awesomeness!

The Regular Guy NYC I don’t live anywhere near NYC, but I can live vicariously through Phil.  He visits some great places to eat, and he always posts stuff that makes me giggle.  If you live in the area, or even if you don’t, he deserves a peek or two!

So that’s all she wrote.  Really, that’s all I wrote!

 

Fly on the Wall June 2014: The Pants Party Edition

Some flies have all the fun… welcome to the June edition of Fly on the Wall, where you can spend time spying on us and hearing all those little conversations we’re having in our house that sometimes are even amusing. 

Each month I partake in this special group event.  All of the participants write their posts and they all go live at the same time!  It’s like a marathon of your favorite TV show just much, much better!

For those of you who know how prolific a writer I used to be, thanks to a busy schedule and a major depressive episode that has now dragged on for far too long I have not been able to write much of anything.  This is the one thing that I have been able to stay active in as a blogger, and I just wanted to give a shout out to Karen of Baking in a Tornado for being understanding and not telling me to go away.  Will I ever get back to writing on a regular basis?  Will I ever feel funny again?  That remains to be seen…

Now, read the nonsense and foolishness that goes on in my house and then be sure to see what goes on in my friend’s houses by clicking on the links at the bottom of the post!

 

We have entered the dreaded stage of childhood in my house where everything inappropriate is funny.  It does not matter, if it contains the word underwear or toilet in it, it is HILARIOUS to my children.  I’m talking rolling on the floor laughing because a song had underwear in it.  So the cuteness doesn’t exactly abound in my house because my children are too busy trying to make each other laugh by saying inappropriate words:  poop, butt, fart, you name it.

As a humor writer whose most famous posts involve peeing my own pants and being a poop detective, yeahhhh… not so funny.

I am easily amused by brand names. I truly think this is one of the best names ever. Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants…

Evil Genius: “FINALLY! I got turned into a vampire. Now all I have to do is make my imaginary friend real and turn him into a werewolf so I can marry him and get on with what I’ve been trying to do.”
He’s been playing the Sims.  What did you think he was talking about?

From the living room I can hear what sounds like screams of torture from the backyard.  I go outside to see both kids sitting on the swings, screaming at the top of their lungs.
“HEY!  Knock that off!”  I yell.
“But mom, we’re doing burps!”
I might want to rethink what kind of food I’m serving my family…

Evil Genius:  “Leave some milk for morning. I eat my Fruity Pebbles like a MAN! With milk!”

I told the kids for every minute that they played outside this afternoon, they could play Minecraft. It was tough, but they stuck it out and played for a whole HOUR in the great outdoors.  Guess what?  They didn’t die!

This is part of what I do for my paid job. These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval. All in the name of science, right?

Evil Genius:  “I hope we have enough sugar.”
Me:  “I just bought you a new thing of sugar, it’s sitting on the counter!”
Evil Genius:  “Yeah, but it’s only five pounds, and I’m making a cheesecake.”

Memorial Day weekend:  There was racing on all day and we were making fried food.  According to The Professor it was the best day ever.

Evil Genius:  “By the way, there’s an egg in the butter.”
The Professor: “Why is there an egg in the butter?”
Me: “Didn’t you know, it’s reproducing. Butter lays eggs.”
Just a little normal dinnertime conversation in our house…

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park. Priceless.

Take any noun and insert it in the blanks:

“Why did the guy put the _________ in the refrigerator?”
“Because he wanted a cool_________.”

Now, repeat 700,000 times in a row, inserting a different noun EVERY time you tell it. Make sure to laugh hysterically EVERY time.

My children. That’s right, they will never be comedians.

The Professor tried out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

I almost missed going to the gym because my husband was out shopping for shoes.  Then he came home and made a cheesecake… backwards?

Did you know I’m famous?  Good things happen when you share recipes with friends.  I’m sharing this on here, because my friend Amy is awesome and so is this recipe!  http://funnyisfamily.com/2014/06/crock-pot-chicken-and-noodles.html

Don’t forget to visit these other homes and buzz around a bit!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                  Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://dinoheromommy.com/                               Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com                         Black Sheep Mom

http://www.gomamao.com                                Go Mama O

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                            Battered Hope

http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes

http://elleroywashere.com                                      elleroy was here

Weekly Wrap-Up: Weak Week

It did seem a bit like a weak week to me.  My husband was on death’s door for at least two days (and missed work for three) while I’ve been suffering a bit, um, mentally (damn PMS).  But I did get new glasses this week, which was very exciting to me.  The picture is a bit blurry, but let’s just pretend that it’s on purpose, shall we?

Monday  The ADD Kitchen 4:  Baby Its Cold Outside But We Want to be Healthy Edition  Baking when it’s cold outside makes the house warm!  Some stuff that actually worked for me for once!

Tuesday  Insomnia:  It’s Nothing to Lose Sleep Over  I’m a zombie, RAWR!

Wednesday  I am “Loded”  It’s not like it sounds at all.  This is what happens when you are all out of “v”s.

Thursday  Theme Thursday:  The ADD 80s Child Looks at 80s Teen Movies  Jenn challenges me to figure out which member of The Breakfast Club I am.  All I can think about is Sixteen Candles.  Here is the scary result.

Friday  Fly on the Wall January 2013:  The Princess Edition  Find out what man cans and lady cans are.

Saturday  The Flake Award:  The Please Don’t Hate Me Because I Forgot About My Award Post  I’m a flake and how I’m trying to make up for it.

My favorite posts this week:

(Is it sad that I really don’t remember much from this past week?  I haven’t been drunk or anything, honest!)

Depression-S*&T That Everyone Should Know  Nicole Knepper-Finally, someone who explains depression in language that I can relate to, in poop terms.  Well you know, sometimes you just feel like poop…  This is a must read!

ALL the Fly on the Wall posts this week!

Best Search Terms This Week:

Mr T Cooking-I pity the fool!

She wants my zamboni-Is this something like “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” or more like a penis reference?

What does batman eat for dinner-It really sounds like there should be a punchline.  Now I’m wondering, WHAT?

Abby’s Flying Fairy School lyrics-Look up high, in the sky, it’s a school, it can fly!  Um… I used to know all the lyrics… A quick search reveals that you can find the lyrics HERE.  So if you’re looking, now you know where!

Coming Up Next Week:

I have one very exciting thing to share:  I’ll be guest posting over at Menopausal Mother!  Yahoo!  But enough about me, go enjoy your weekend!

New Years Resolutions or Lack Thereof

My husband and I resolved early in our marriage to never do the same thing twice on New Years Eve.  While Christmas and other holidays in our family tend to be somewhat rooted in tradition, we have tried to keep this particular one tradition free.  Later on we expanded it to not making New Years Resolutions.  We used to make them.  One year I recall  putting them on paper in an envelope so that we could see if we actually kept them.  Now that I think about it, I bet we never even found the envelopes.

The idea behind the resolutions is a good one.  The idea of a new year is a fresh start.  Who wouldn’t want to start off with a clean slate?  I myself could really use a fresh start.  In years past when I have attempted said resolutions, the year got underway and by February those resolutions went by the wayside.

I’m not changing my mind about it.  It’s not that I don’t plan on making some changes.  Rather than resolutions I have instead set some goals.  Is that the same thing?  Perhaps, but by not calling the resolutions I may be more apt to stick with them.  And these are things that I have already started.  No sense in waiting for a new year to kick in.

Eat Healthier-I’ve been to the edge and back, baby.  With depression comes some crazy comfort food.  But one can only subsist on dark chocolate and sugar for so long.  What I really need is a spell.  I need to go all Harry Potter and somehow cast a spell upon myself that the health food I once consumed regularly is the best thing for me.  This week I have consumed more vegetables.  I always eat whole grains, that is a no brainer.  But this love affair with sweeteners both natural and artificial has to be put to a stop.  More veggies, more fresh fruit, less diet pop, less junk.  Consuming less of everything-it should be simple, right?

Move-As in getting moving, not as in moving to another town (though that would be nice).  Fatigue, cold weather, frustration with schedules, complaining children, and an uncooperative canine has made this not a priority to me.  I don’t have to do this to excess, simply getting back into walking some every day would be peachy.  I’ve done some yoga the last two days.  I’ve attempted to lift weights.  Last night my husband walked in the door and I walked out-not because I hate him, but because I needed to take a walk alone.  It’s less about losing the coffee cake top, more about just taking care of moi.

Attitude-The longer I’m unemployed, the more “losery” I feel.  Supposedly the state I live in has a great unemployment rate-and them proclaiming this just makes me feel that much worse.  Thanks, so glad everyone else is finding a job.  I have a feeling those numbers are greatly skewed.  I need to snap out of it and try to just feel better.  Whether or not I have a job shouldn’t define who I am.  What I do as a mom and wife should be more important.  I know, it’s all about that damn forest through the trees!  It’s hard to feel good when you’ve sent out over a hundred job applications and have had one interview, and then they took over a month to get back to you in an email.  For a cashier job.  At Lowes.

Honestly, is finding a part time job going to make me happy?  No, but being financially secure would be nice.  Can I make a job fall out of the sky?  No.  But I can try to control my attitude about it.  Take care of myself (you know, like showering and stuff).  Embrace the free time.  Appreciate what I have.  Play more with my kids.  Write more.  All the stuff I should have been doing all along.

So that’s what I’m working on, even if I don’t call them resolutions.  Be sure to laugh at me six months from now.

I’ve seen several alternatives to making resolutions online.  My favorite is a jar with little slips of paper.  Every time you find something good, write it down on a slip of paper and put it in the jar.  At the end of the year, wouldn’t that be great to open up and read all of the good things that happened? This of course would require effort and thinking on my part.  So it’s probably not going to happen…

I’ll wrap this up with my husband’s whole take on the resolution thing.  I know he wants to try to get back into shape as well, but I’m not sure if he’s really calling it a resolution.  We were talking about me writing this post last night.  He said “My resolution is to have a good looking wife and two kids and a dog.”  Hey, he called me good looking.  I’m willing to support that.

This post was written in part because I am a follower and want to be liked, or something like that.  Actually, I wanted to start participating in Theme Thursday over on Something Clever 2.0.  Jenn was nice enough to actually write about my blog this week.  She even was kind enough to point out how much I use poop and pee in my posts.  Please come on over there and read what other folks have to say on the matter, or other matters, and read Jenn’s blog too.  It’s a win win, no matter what you do.  Good stuff, Maynard.

Dude, Where’s My Love? Oh THERE It Is…

Words to live by.

I’ve shared several times that I’m the person that, well, never quite fits in.  Never have.  I’ve always been a bit odd.  I wish I could say that it doesn’t bother me because I’m older and wiser now and blah blah blah.  But more often than not it does bother me.  Which is too bad, because if I’m still having teenage angst at 38, that doesn’t bode well for my middle aged years.  What age is considered middle age these days, anyway?  I just read an article about Brad Pitt and how introspective he’s been as he approaches 50.  So maybe it’s 50?  I didn’t have the attention span to finish the whole article anyway…

I’ve tried to fit in, and it just never quite works out the way I’d like it to.  I tend to stick out like a sore thumb, which is interesting because that sure doesn’t stop people when I’m in groups of parents from pretending I’m totally not there.  Sometimes I want to turn to them and say, “You know, I may not be 100 pounds and have my hair perfectly styled and wearing the skinny jeans and the too tight sweater, but I’m a perfectly nice person.  You act like I’m going to wipe a booger on you.”  I really wouldn’t do that, but I certainly wouldn’t put it past my son.  I think I may have referred to good old Winona playing Lydia Dietz on Beetlejuice, which is still one of my favorite movies.  She comments:  “I too am strange and unusual.”  That’s for sure, I could probably win some prizes for strange and unusual!  I’ll take cash, please.

My whole life is a darkroom. One big dark room.

Being part of the whole blogging world has been pretty darn good for me.  Yesterday was EPIC!  I exceeded the number of people that are my “Fans” on Facebook.  I won’t tell you how many of them that are actually my family and friends, but I will say I about bet they are really getting tired of all the crap I have been posting.  I also managed to get the most page hits ever (AGAIN) on here.  This was due to two factors.  1)  I kept relentlessly peddling my story about peeing my pants at Wal-Mart.  I think people finally started reading it so maybe they wouldn’t have to see it, but then realized that it was actually pretty funny.  2)  I am technologically impaired, and spent two hours fighting with WordPress about images.  I almost burned my I ♥ WordPress shirt over the whole deal.  No I DON’T want to put all of my image at the top of my blog post.  Why?  Because I think it looks stupid.  The result was that I totally put everything on my blog post wrong.  Each picture got an individual hit when viewed that counted toward my total visits for the day.  Ooops.  I may accidentally make that mistake again…

I’ve been going through this whole glorious depression thing which in itself is not very interesting or much of a tale to tell.  Unless you like stories about people who cry at the organic grocery store.   But that’s not why I’m writing this.  This is my public service announcement to the world about just giving people a little bit of understanding.

Not that kind of pubic service announcement, but do you remember these guys? “We’re not candy! Even though we may look fine and dandy…”

I’m still new to the blogging world because, well, I just am.  I read a lot of different blogs.  One humor blog that I have recently started reading was having a hard time.  Bad decisions, bad luck.  She obviously needed someone to listen.  I commented and left her some real words of encouragement, and that I understood all too well how it feels when life sucks.  I didn’t offer advice, I just wanted to let her know that we are all human.  Every stinkin one of us, and that we are not perfect.  She was really touched.  I’m not writing to tell you all that I am a fabulous person that changed somebody’s life, because I didn’t, I just know how it feels to be there and no one seems to care. You just want some understanding.

I’ve been there, many times in my life, and I have felt very alone many of those times.  One great thing about this online world is that you aren’t ever really alone.  I haven’t exactly had a lot of support for this blog from the homefront.  It’s not that he doesn’t care.  He’s busy, the last thing he really wants to hear is that somebody commented on this or I have this many followers or whatever.  My daughter would rather I throw my computer out the window so I can spend more time doing nothing but cuddling with her.  Luckily I have had a lot of support from the others who do the same thing I do, and that has been wonderful.  I’ve had people help me fix up my blog, tell me where I need to go to get more exposure, and just let me know that they genuinely like how I write and are loyal followers.  Aw heck, this week I have even agreed to do some guest posts on some great blogs!  You have no idea how much that means to me.  The feeling that I am successful at doing something is huge.  Now if I can only get those people who do the “Freshly Pressed” page here at WordPress to get that (hint, hint folks, show me some loooooooove.)

This is to all of the people who’ve been so awesome to me in this here blogging world.

One thing I’ve struggled with the last couple of years is exercising, and with the being an unemployed bum AND not being able to get out and move around I have really sunk into the depths of bummerdom.  I already don’t feel wonderful about other things, so the extra smooshiness around my middle (not a muffin top, more of a coffee cake) is certainly taking some of its toll on my self esteem.  One fabulous blogging friend reached out to me and let me know that she too has been there, and has been very supportive of me throughout the flab and the anxiety.  It made all the difference.  I’m not going to name her, but she knows who she is!  😉

It’s getting better.  I’m feeling a lot better the last few days.  I’ve gotten out, I’ve moved around, I’ve done some stuff.  Now I’m still unemployed and feel like a big losery loser, but I’ve got a lot more hope than I’ve had.  The candle is still flickering in there!

I’m thinking back to when I was employed, however, and working around toxic people all of the time, and thinking that in a way maybe I am better off NOT working.  One woman in particular had the nerve to tell all of my coworkers during an organization wide meeting in the room that I was weird.  ALOUD.  Right in front of me.  It had to be the most backhanded compliment I had ever had in my life.  If I wasn’t so nice, I would have thrown my pizza at her.  But I sat and took it.  People like that, well, I hope they get what they deserve.  Thhhhhhpt!

Are you wondering if I forgot what my point was?  No, I’m still doing my little public service announcement.  If you see someone who is usually pretty funny have a heartfelt blog post, and you can relate, just take a moment and share that with them.  It’s so good to know that you’re not alone.  Or maybe there’s a mom who is a little different and doesn’t seem too comfortable around other parents.  Take a moment and say hi, you may be glad you did.  People like to be approved!

We constantly quote this, I didn’t even know what it was called until I accidentally found it.  I was APPROVED!!!!

The Approval Center (Click to view)

So hey, it’s the holidays.  Share the love.  Come on people now, smile on your brother (or sister).  Just because I’m feeling pretty good about this, I’m going to share this classic commercial, because I can.  And because I REALLY want a Coke.  Peace man.

Coca-Cola Hilltop Commercial.

Again, my apologies for no image to go with this.  I only had the above images because I had this post almost done before they did whatever that they did that I am too ADD to figure out.  Anyhooooo….  Last minute additions have no visuals!

The Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge-Blogging:The Why and the What

I’m participating in the Getting to Know the Blogger Challenge sponsored by A Little Unhinged.

10)  Why did you start blogging and what is your blog about?

Not quite like that, but I sure love this cartoon.

It was pretty simple.  I started blogging because my brain was full.  I started a blog as a way to put all of the stuff in my head down on paper.  With all of the crappy stuff that was going on job wise, I was really depressed and dealing with severe anxiety.  My out of control ADD didn’t help matters.  I felt like my life was out of control.  I was dealing with one child with lots of issues including behavior problems and my other who was extremely strong willed.  My husband had just been hired on full-time after graduating from engineering school the past December.  Here he was following his dreams and being successful at it, and I felt like I had no hope and no future because I had made school and career choices that didn’t work out.  I felt like my life was over while his was just beginning.  When I started writing it started out as a diary of whatever stuff was coming out of my addled brain.  When my husband started receiving his insurance benefits for his job, I went on anti-anxiety medication because I couldn’t face another day feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack every minute of the day.  I wasn’t proud of this, but it had to be done so I could be functional.  I did it for my kids.

When this occurred, something happened.  A part of me that I knew existed but had been gone for so long came out, and I started writing humorous stuff.  As I gained more confidence, I started using social media and all of a sudden I had followers.  In total I have over 100 followers now, as opposed to just a handful when I started truly promoting my blog.  Considering I started it back in June, I think that’s not too shabby.

I blog about “STUFF”.  Mom stuff, ADD stuff, family stuff, Anxiety stuff, finding myself stuff, life stuff.  I hate to put myself into any sort of category, because I tend to be all over the place some weeks.  I just put down what is in my head.  I try to be funny, but sometimes I just have to be serious.  Just like life.

(It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t put that in there!  You should have seen that coming!)

Previous Blogger Challenge Posts-This Could Be Fun:  I’m Doing The 15 Day Getting To Know The Blogger Challenge, Where I Grew Up, Favorite Childhood Memories, School, Work, Life, Friends, Family

XPMS: Extreme Pretty Miserable Syndrome (No Beings Of Any Kind Were Harmed In The Writing of This Post)

No, it’s something far more terrifying.

DISCLAIMER!  WARNING:  Cease and desist reading if you are one of THOSE guys who just rolls his eyes or gets ill when your girlfriend/wife/bff/sister/lizard/etc starts talking about menstrual type stuff.  Just close this window and walk away.  Pretty please with beer on top?

Have you ever seen the commercial about PMDD?  (The purple acronym is a link to the commercial, just in case you don’t know what I mean or have forgotten it by now).  Imagine me in my serious announcer voice as I explain:  “PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.  PMDD is a severe form of Premenstrual Disorder (PMS).  Like PMS, PMDD follows a predictable, cyclic pattern.  Anxiety, anger, and depression may occur.  The main symptoms may be disabling.  And BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Because I have PMS, this is annoying me and I don’t want to read the rest of it.

DISCLAIMER:  If you have PMDD, and you are getting very angry reading this because you think I’m about to make fun of you (which I’m not), please close the window and walk away.  I don’t want anyone to hunt me down and kill me or put a hex on my blog.

I don’t think I have PMDD, I think I have EXTREME PMS!  It’s not like regular PMS, because I swear it lasts about two weeks.  And I never know when it’s going to strike, because I’m not, um, regular (in sooooooo many more ways than I’m implying here.)  I get so bloated that I think that something is seriously wrong. Clothes that fit two days before no longer fit.  I’m miserable.  This can last anywhere from three to fourteen days, depending on the month.

I feel fat. I feel like this. And I don’t even like eating frogs. I bet there’s Diet Sunkist Lemonade in that drinky thingie.

DISCLAIMER:  If you are a hutt, don’t hate me.  Please.

Not only do I feel like Jabba, I also want to eat everything in sight.  In other words I have slightly less willpower than I usually do.  Evil Genius knows he can get away with certain things without me trying to kill him, at least right away.  There have been multiple *Peanut Butter Bars incidents in our house, where he has made these delectable homemade treats that can best be described as an eight pound Reeses Peanut Butter cup.  They are filled with crack, or meth, or some kind of drug.  I can’t stop eating them.  I have been known to ok the making of these under the influence of XPMS.  Then after I have eaten most of it and come to my senses I force him to take what is left out of the house and feed them to his coworkers.  Tonight I made homemade apple crisp, because I wanted it.  I never do that (bake something for me).  And I ate it.  WITH vanilla ice cream.  The justification of this was a) I made it with whole wheat flour and b) it was light vanilla ice cream.  This was after I devoured tater tot casserole, something I also almost never make.  That wasn’t nearly as good, since the tater tot portion was freezer burnt.  More justification for the Apple Crisp, right?

*I’ll post the recipe for the crack, I mean, Peanut Butter Bars, in an upcoming edition here soon.  I promise.  Just in case you have PMS and want to hate yourself too.

On top of having the moves like Jabba and eating my house, I also get a bit moody.  It’s most just deep dark depression and lots of crying for a couple of days, but I also get kinda bitchy.  But mostly it’s crying, and anything sets me off.  Luckily, unlike the other crap, this only lasts for a day or two.  Although I’ve never killed anyone that I care to admit, I think that She-Ra also suffered from XPMS (click the link to watch). When you have XPMS and a sword, people had better run.

The last part of this great phase that makes it all especially fun is the Migraine.  I have told all about my fun with migraines in a previous post, Brains on the Floor.  I get a really fabulous headache with all of this, it just really makes it extra great.  When you have kids, you have to get them to try to understand that Mommy is out of commission for awhile.  I have to lay on the couch with the lights off and the curtains closed and pray for sweet death.  My daughter kisses me on the head and tells me she is going to take care of me, and then gets out the musical instruments that make the most noise.  Honey, you said you were going to take care of me, not cause my brains to ooze out of my ears.

It just really sucks, being a girl sometimes, you know?  And then the shit really hits the fan when that’s over and the fun really begins.  CRAMPS!  Yay.  Take an Advil, grab a heating pad, and curl up under a blanket for a few hours.  Oh yes, and by the way, those commercials where the lady is doing yoga and wearing all white, that’s a myth.  You can’t do that.  At least I can’t, because it would be really messy and gross.

The best thing about being pregnant, aside from being able to eat whatever I wanted, was the fact that for a couple of years of my adult life I didn’t have to deal with any of this stuff.  I’m not saying that labor was a picnic because it wasn’t, but I’m talking about the rest of the time…

It’s not like we really get a break from feeling lousy aside from that.  I understand once you finish having all of this fun you get a whole new set of stuff to deal with, like hot flashes.  Oh wow I can’t wait!  To paraphrase Frank Barone from Everybody Love Raymond, “What lottery in hell did I win?”  What did we women do to deserve all of this every month?

What, me irritable?  I’m just getting warmed up… somebody pass me a Gas-X.  Now let’s have some Apple Crisp and forget it all ever happened.

Oh did somebody invent that yet? Maybe I need to get on that. Men all around the world would thank me. Or maybe make more Peanut Butter Bars.